Wednesday: Today turned into a little bit of a disaster which started last night. Jessica had a removal and ended up in a psych ward with the child she removed. This led to her getting home late, not as late as some other situations she has been in, but late enough. Today when I woke up I asked her if she was coming tonight, she said things didn’t look good. So I weighted my options and after taking a shower I asked my mother. She wasn’t prepared to go, and then just felt guilty for not going. I told her that plans just didn’t fall into place the way they were supposed to. So I got myself ready and left and was talking to her on the way to the city. She said she felt bad and hoped that Jessica was able to make it for me. When I got to the city, I waited 25 min for a cab and the one I got into smelt like death. I was worried about my stomach would act up and I’d end up running off the stage in the middle of talking. When I got there I spoke with the other members from the group and surprisingly enough Jessica made it to the city and asked me where the college was to find it. She arrived shortly after the refreshments were served. I was hesitant to eat but I ate with her and then just hung out and waited. When the award presentations started I was all anxious as were the other members in the group. The auditorium could have held over 100 people, there were maybe 70 there? It was unclear, but all I knew was I was going to be in front of people and talking… So, it was our turn and we walked on stage. After Sharleen spoke it was my turn. I read from my ipad and was just nervous and at a point I pretty much was like fuck this and read my interpretation of the notes I had. I don’t think I did horribly but I think it was noticeable that I was nervous. But at least I didn’t run off stage needing the bathroom! The only thing I did that was embarrassing was walk on the wrong side of the state when the awards were being given out. But that wasn’t really all my fault. I kept telling Selma that we were next and that we had to go on stage and she kept saying no. Finally when we were called I just looked at her and walked up the other way. Whatever though, we got our awards and took some pictures. When it was time for us to leave, Selma had to run to the bathroom. I don’t really talk to Sharleen and after this point of the night I really am just disliking her a lot more now. While Selma was in the bathroom an elevator opened and she said “well I am going guys later” and Maia and Yuki ran after her saying they were going too after they said they’d wait for Selma. I told her what happened when she came out and she just looked at me. We don’t really like Sharleen and I know she hates that the girl comes off as perfect.
I took a walk to hunt down a starbucks since I felt better and left with Jessica. I passed out shortly after watching Happy Endings. I am just happy that the night went well and its over. I was to stressed. I just need to conquer a final, 2 papers, and a performance for crisis ugh.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
"Modern Man" by Arcade Fire
Tuesday: Knowing that I am finally graduating is exciting, but I wonder if it’s contributing to my stress level. My classes are officially over, but I still have 2 papers in one class due with a final and a final in my other class where I actually have to be in front of people and have to perform. Added, my research group has been acknowledged for our work in gender research and receiving an award. I am in charge of the presentation and also will be speaking in front of possibly 100 people. My nerves are shot and one of the three rhea sisters is visiting me. Well she was today anyway which was not pleasant at all!
My film professor keeps assuring me not to worry about my grade, telling me how I have done exceedingly well. Then again he did call me special today… I don’t think he meant it in a mentally challenged way, well I hope he didn’t anyway. In Crisis we practiced our final in front of the class which was well received. The professor made small criticisms which we are taking into account for the day we actually perform in front of the class. I believe that is Tuesday.
There was a meeting today about the reading lab the same time as my research meeting. I don’t think in the fall I will be working in the lab because of what is going on with the lab being under new ownership. I am hoping the film professor is able to get me to work there for the spring though to help with his course and the other media courses offered by my college. When I ran to the research meeting the professor had the presentation I worked on open and had made some changes. I think the look on my face was that of a deer in the head lights. I would say it was more so that way after another research student, Yuki, made some changes thinking that I had accidentally screwed something up and wanted to help and change things. Instead she made a mess… In the meeting I mentioned it and looked at her. She is lucky she didn’t burst into flames from the look I gave her heh.
I told Selma, when we left the meeting, that I saw Anna. I didn’t get into details as to why I saw Anna though. I was talking everything over with Jessica, and its times like these that I really wish that I was still seeing someone for therapy. Given, that I feel I out grew Randi’s advice I do miss her at times. It just isn’t really productive when you are seeing a therapist and you don’t feel completely comfortable discussing certain things with them. That was the case with her, and I can honestly say that it was how I felt from the beginning. I think I expected to get over that with time, but by now I realize that if I don’t feel comfortable talking about things with someone, it isn’t really going to change much. Jessica offered to help me find someone since she has access to information on clinics in the area. I remember when I was asking for help from school and they told me about 2 locations that didn’t work for me. One I felt wouldn’t really understand some of the issues I am dealing with, and the other was in an awkward area and would take to long for me to get there. I have this time over the summer to go and find someone though and I think I am going to take advantage of that. I know I have Anna to talk to incase something is really bothering me, and I have my friends too. It just really isn’t the same and I need an objective point of view. I remember that when I bumped into Randi last semester she said she would help me find someone if I gave her the list of therapists under my plan. I think I am afraid if she helps she will tell the new one some things about me. Can they do that? I think it only works that way if the new therapist asks for notes to be released to them or asks for information other wise it can’t be offered. Then again I am not familiar with how that works.
On two separate notes first starting with the summer, I am thinking that I will look for a job if things don’t work out with me having any left over hours in the lab and also have the surgery on my knee. I really am not wanting to have my knee operated on, and when I think that I don’t need it any more I am in pain shortly after that and know that it’s something I need to do soon. I have dragged it out for 2 years now, I think it’s time to just get it done. As for work, I am thinking of possibly seeing if Tarina would hire me. They don’t have any men working there which is the thing that worries me. Mike said they can’t not hire me cause I am a guy, I guess we will see what happens.
Lastely, I am wondering what is going to happen with these people upstairs. This weekend there was an incident while I went out with my mother where one of the sons upstairs spilt juice in their room. It dripped down into my house, through the ceiling light fixture which made my parents concerned with worrying about the wires shorting out and a fire. My mother didn’t know what to do, and I pretty much had to convince her to talk to their mother and tell her that she needs to do something about her sons, it might be time for one of them to go, since only one is of legal age. My mother went to take a walk with their mother as I was getting ready to meet Jessica and go out to dinner. They were still out there by the time I was leaving. My mother later told me that she said she was going to talk to her children and hopefully resolve things since my mother said it made her not want to renew their lease. I hope things change…
P.S. I finally got to see the Deftones. The show was amazing and made me consider getting a band tattoo, I don’t know if I really will. I have to say they are one of my favorite bands and live they are just amazing.
My film professor keeps assuring me not to worry about my grade, telling me how I have done exceedingly well. Then again he did call me special today… I don’t think he meant it in a mentally challenged way, well I hope he didn’t anyway. In Crisis we practiced our final in front of the class which was well received. The professor made small criticisms which we are taking into account for the day we actually perform in front of the class. I believe that is Tuesday.
There was a meeting today about the reading lab the same time as my research meeting. I don’t think in the fall I will be working in the lab because of what is going on with the lab being under new ownership. I am hoping the film professor is able to get me to work there for the spring though to help with his course and the other media courses offered by my college. When I ran to the research meeting the professor had the presentation I worked on open and had made some changes. I think the look on my face was that of a deer in the head lights. I would say it was more so that way after another research student, Yuki, made some changes thinking that I had accidentally screwed something up and wanted to help and change things. Instead she made a mess… In the meeting I mentioned it and looked at her. She is lucky she didn’t burst into flames from the look I gave her heh.
I told Selma, when we left the meeting, that I saw Anna. I didn’t get into details as to why I saw Anna though. I was talking everything over with Jessica, and its times like these that I really wish that I was still seeing someone for therapy. Given, that I feel I out grew Randi’s advice I do miss her at times. It just isn’t really productive when you are seeing a therapist and you don’t feel completely comfortable discussing certain things with them. That was the case with her, and I can honestly say that it was how I felt from the beginning. I think I expected to get over that with time, but by now I realize that if I don’t feel comfortable talking about things with someone, it isn’t really going to change much. Jessica offered to help me find someone since she has access to information on clinics in the area. I remember when I was asking for help from school and they told me about 2 locations that didn’t work for me. One I felt wouldn’t really understand some of the issues I am dealing with, and the other was in an awkward area and would take to long for me to get there. I have this time over the summer to go and find someone though and I think I am going to take advantage of that. I know I have Anna to talk to incase something is really bothering me, and I have my friends too. It just really isn’t the same and I need an objective point of view. I remember that when I bumped into Randi last semester she said she would help me find someone if I gave her the list of therapists under my plan. I think I am afraid if she helps she will tell the new one some things about me. Can they do that? I think it only works that way if the new therapist asks for notes to be released to them or asks for information other wise it can’t be offered. Then again I am not familiar with how that works.
On two separate notes first starting with the summer, I am thinking that I will look for a job if things don’t work out with me having any left over hours in the lab and also have the surgery on my knee. I really am not wanting to have my knee operated on, and when I think that I don’t need it any more I am in pain shortly after that and know that it’s something I need to do soon. I have dragged it out for 2 years now, I think it’s time to just get it done. As for work, I am thinking of possibly seeing if Tarina would hire me. They don’t have any men working there which is the thing that worries me. Mike said they can’t not hire me cause I am a guy, I guess we will see what happens.
Lastely, I am wondering what is going to happen with these people upstairs. This weekend there was an incident while I went out with my mother where one of the sons upstairs spilt juice in their room. It dripped down into my house, through the ceiling light fixture which made my parents concerned with worrying about the wires shorting out and a fire. My mother didn’t know what to do, and I pretty much had to convince her to talk to their mother and tell her that she needs to do something about her sons, it might be time for one of them to go, since only one is of legal age. My mother went to take a walk with their mother as I was getting ready to meet Jessica and go out to dinner. They were still out there by the time I was leaving. My mother later told me that she said she was going to talk to her children and hopefully resolve things since my mother said it made her not want to renew their lease. I hope things change…
P.S. I finally got to see the Deftones. The show was amazing and made me consider getting a band tattoo, I don’t know if I really will. I have to say they are one of my favorite bands and live they are just amazing.
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