I am still studying with Maia, and our test dates are
approaching quickly. Maia has only a week left and I have two. I can say that I
am probably just as anxious as she is. Talking to Mobruka, and Maia in the
office, Mobruka asked about going out after the test. Maia explained things so
well, with saying how it’s difficult to think about making plans after the test
since it blocks all thought. The idea of a time after this test seems
unfathomable right now, but I obviously look forward to not having to worry
about this test and studying. My stress level is going to go up more than I
care to deal with, I just need to keep calm and go on about my business.
Unfortunately I have a road block coming up that is going to stress me which is
this movie Mike edited. The movie’s premiere is the 28th, the day
that Maia is busy taking the GRE. I really am not looking forward to this,
being around all the people and then going to more than likely a gay club or
bar after. I asked Mike to make a deal with me, we could go but only for half
an hour because I will feel uncomfortable and want to leave. He said sure, but
honestly I feel like he will keep me there longer past that. I also have no
idea what I am going to be wearing to this mess either. I just know that I look
forward to the next day, going to the Chili Pepper Fiesta and seeing all of my
friends and just relaxing. I wish it was after the GRE and not before since
that would work out nicely with blowing off steam by drinking away what went on
the day before.
Tonight I had to go for a walk with my mother. She was on
the couch telling me about stuff that went on the past few days and today, with
my father. It was to much to try and play the game “read what I’m mouthing so
you’re father doesn’t hear me talking about him.” So the walk was a better
decision.
Before I go any further I should mention something about my
father. More than likely this is due to him having post traumatic stress
disorder and stressors contribute to this. I know my father has had episodes of
depression in the past, and when at jobs when he is around people he tends to
have episodes. When I was in high school, he had one where he said this woman
was following him and harassing him. There was a woman, was she harassing him?
No, she probably didn’t even know he existed. When he first came to me, I was
in my sophomore year of high school I believe, and he told me about it. It
freaked me out which led me to tell my mother who knew that it wasn’t real. He
hasn’t had any issues since, there haven’t been any factors that triggered
anything with him to cause such a response. Until now… I Know that the asshole
son upstairs is a fucking menace. He feels like he can do whatever he wants. He
doesn’t think and is impulsive flying by the seat of his pants. Hence all the
stuff that has gone on up to this point, it is all quick thinking, but not
really thought out well. We already know that if my father says he hears them
saying something upstairs, we take it with a grain of salt. More than likely
it's just in his head and not something that is actually happening. Unfortunately
that is the way it goes with him, when he is under such duress. My mother told
me that my father has been really easy to anger lately. Things that he would
brush off, well his version of brush off, he isn’t. He is getting loud and
yells, which I have heard but I haven’t heard him have any temper tantrums. My
father said he saw the son upstairs go to the house across the street and he
knew one of his friend’s names. How he knows that, we don’t know, but more than
likely it’s something he has made up. My father suggested how he was going to
take the air conditioner in from their bedroom, but my mother knew it was for
other reasons. He sat looking out the window for half an hour watching to see
if the son would go to the house or not. When my mother tried to reason with
him saying that more than likely he knows someone that lives there, my father
became agitated and started to carry on yelling. To stop talking about it,
which they did. She said she was able to calm him down in the car, but
unfortunately its something that isn’t going to just go away. it won’t clear up
until the family leave, and even after that it might be still to late where a
psychotic episode is already taking place.
My mother told me about how when they were young, there were
times my father would just go up to people and punch them in the face cause
they looked at him, or my mother. She told me that one time a guy looked at my
mother and my father punched him in the face and broke his jaw. She yelled at
my father for what he did saying that he can’t do that. Whatever happened to
that poor guy that didn’t do anything. I can’t say that I have ever experienced
him do anything like that in front of me but with this situation you never
know. Hearing that it made me think about how I have a short tempter, though I can’t
say I felt the compulsions to punch someone in the face it makes me wonder
giving me plenty to think about…
