"Situation" by Yaz

Sunday: Thanks to the other students in class that still have midterms I am granted more time to work on my methods section. Thank God! This gives me more time, at least a week. But then I didn’t expect my laptop to die. Long story short after bringing it today to apple it looks like that quite possibly the video card died. Seems like I have some curse on me that makes video cards die. Maybe I pissed off some gypsie woman and she put some curse on me so that video cards die. Well it should be repaired and ready for pickup by tomorrow, or Tuesday. I am praying they don’t erase my hard drive. Really don’t want to have to be busy reinstalling all this shit back on the computer.

Funny thing is that the day I make the blog for the craziness that goes on on the train, the computer dies. It was like a sign that it was maybe a bad idea? Still something I want to do with Milly and Jessica.

Also on Friday, I spoke to Milly and found out that Mobruka really wasn’t honest when it came to certain things in regards to what went on between her and Rico. Its like more develops in regards to her and what happened. Apparently she called him and left him a nasty voice mail. Not something she told me, but then again would she want to? There are always two sides to a story, but when things get heated people tend to forget this. I think when this happens we pay more attention to the story that is more convincing, or makes most sense to us when we are provided with certain facts. Just gives me more reason to keep my distance when it comes to certain things.

"Where Is My Mind?" by Pixies

Tuesday: My mother always told me that “there is always one person that ruins things for everyone else” I always make sure that this isn’t me. It also helps to identify the person that is the one that ruins things to either tell them to stop or just to know so you can have an idea of what to expect.

In an office setting there are different personalities, some mesh, some work cohesively together, and some just are polar opposites that need to be avoided at all costs. I feel that our office mixes well, but it seem that some people tend to think who they are and that they can do what they want. On Friday I walked into the aftermath of an office fight. Mobruka was pissed and saying that her ears were on fire. When I asked what happened she explained the mess that just transpired. When she came in, a few minutes before I, she was locked out of the lab so she called Rico to let her in. He caught an attitude, though he has said in the past to just call him if you need to get into the lab. So she just went to security and they let her in. When Rico strolled in, who also does not work on Fridays but spends time in the lab doing his shit such as talk on the phone and take up space, he went into the mac lab. When he went inside she started to blast his music on one of the computers and closed the door to the lab. The pc lab was having issues and for some reason the internet was slow. A student complained about the internet and Mobruka told her to go to the mac lab and use the computers there. So the girl did so, and Rico told her to leave because he was playing his music. When she went back to the pc side, Mobruka asked her what happened and she said that he asked her to leave. So Mobruka told her to go back since the students pay to use the lab with their tech fee. He said that he didn’t want her in there due to playing music and its distracting. He said this when the girl went back into the lab. So Mobruka was pissed and said it was bullshit for him to do that, which is true. This isn’t his house and he isn’t allowed to tell students that. She called Mayra and told her, who was also on her way to lab since she was proctoring an exam, and she threatened to go to the head of the dept and report him. She was really angry and I don’t blame her. What he does is really bullshit. He only can put in 20 hours and with the amount he puts in technically by Wednesday he is done for the week, but he says there until Friday. When Mayra came in she heard the crap he had playing in the lab. Students were in there, and when he was in the lab before letting students in he had that grad student in there that I had a fight with earlier in the semester. Just seemed a little strange. So yesterday things seemed off but I didn’t know that Mayra didn’t talk t him until she made the comment that she needed to talk to him. Mobruka today said that he wasn’t talking to her. So I guess it was discussed. As I told Mobruka, I am not going to take sides, but I know the difference between right and wrong and what is selfish and what he did was selfish and wrong.

Today class was canceled with Anna. I was leaving and talking to another student about things in class and actually bumped into Anna coming in late. I ended up talking to her for a bit and found out I was actually reading the wrong chapter for class, and wasn’t the only one. I discussed some things with her about my methods section for the upcoming paper, and I feel so scrambled. Since we have been working on this in pieces, I feel that the information is just leaving my head when there are gaps in between submissions. She tends to point me in a direction but it doesn’t really seem to resonate when I have to think about things. It also doesn’t help that I pick difficult topics to work on. I think I set myself up for a difficult mission to complete. Maybe I just like setting high standards for myself and then see if I can live up to the challenge? That isn’t a bad thing, but while I’m trying to complete it it just seems like a lot. Which makes me feel overwhelmed ugh. I know I have been feeling that lately…

i know I have been wanting a weekend, now for a while where I can just not do anything and relax. I had that this past weekend though I didn’t feel well. I took a walk with Jessica and discussed things with her, and felt that maybe I should consider going to find a counselor at school since it was suggested to me when I was seeing Aaron. It would help to just clear my mind and not think about crap. Talking does help, especially if its to the right person. I put off going to counseling, just because I felt I needed some time to think about if it’s something I wanted to do. After seeing Randi I thought that maybe it would be best to take some time off from therapy and when I felt it was time to go back I’d know. Or maybe it was Aaron that said that to me, that there wasn’t a rush. Which is very true, there isn’t a rush, but its good to have someone to talk to before things get out of hand. This weekend, though I really didn’t do anything, I feel that I want another weekend of this. This causes problems especially with Mike. I know he wants to go out and I don’t feel like it, it makes me feel like I am being selfish. Jessica said she knows what that is like, the pressure of feeling like you have to go out. At least someone knows what its like, but that doesn’t really help me much. Also, it looks like the research group I signed up for is starting soon. I have an option of working in two at once. Not really sure if that is something I want to do since I feel overwhelmed as it is, but it would be impressive if I can do both. I will not want to go out and do things if I have work, or it might work out where I need to go out and just decompress. I will have to see how this all unfolds. I am half way through the semester and sometimes I feel that I am being smothered.

"Hands All Over" by Soundgarden

Monday: This semester is just flying by… To me it still feels like it started, but it is nearly almost November. The weeks are over before I even know it and the weekends are in a category of their own. I blink and they are over. It’s so difficult to just not worry about things. I feel horrible when it comes to spending time with Mike as well. I just want to do absolutely nothing and relax. Sit and play WoW, or read, or just sleep and not worry about students coming in for tutoring or reading assignments for class. I guess I’m asking for to much. When this research project starts I will probably feel just as overwhelmed if not more, trying to make hours in the lab, go to class, and then do whatever I have to do for the project.

I do enjoy working in the lab, though at times I feel like I don’t have anything to do. But when I have things to do, I am lucky if I have any time for myself to just take a breath. Friday the lab was dead. None of the classes came in to use the lab, and random stragglers wondered in to use computers. If 4 people were in the lab, that was a lot that day especially when the lab can be to the point where we have to ask people to leave due to both labs being full. While I was in the office reading, Mayra came in to have lunch before proctoring the CPE. She was just making small talk with me and then discussed how there is a possibility that the lab could be closing due to funds. I don’t know who else she discussed this with, but I am not talking about it with anyone that I am friendly with other than her. It makes me wonder if others know and they just aren’t discussing it with me because they don’t know if I know. I have discussed it with friends though, spoke about it with my mother as well. Her comment was “so you’re going to lose your job? That sucks…” and yeah it does suck but there isn’t much I can do about it. I can look for something else but I don’t think there are many jobs that will be so lenient with me strolling in when I want to and then working. I think if this were something serious, I would have been fired a long time ago.

I spoke about it with Mike on Friday I believe, among the other things such as the pointless thoughtless construction on the street in front of my house. its pointless and thoughtless due to the fact that the people that decided to do so did not plan it out better. The logic behind it makes sense but at the same time all aspects of the plan were not thoroughly thought out. This is the deal, I live on a very busy street and there is lots of traffic due to the stores in my area getting deliveries so there is lots of double parking. To eliminate that, dividers are being put up with flower pot planters and trees. They said they wanted to have that like that to eliminate the double parking, but there isn’t enough room for cars to normally park. The trucks that normally make deliveries now will double park down the side streets adding congestion there. There is still speculation of them making the street in front of my house a huge one way street leading to the hospital but I don’t think that will happen. My mother wanted to place a complaint and we found out today that it still isn’t clear what exactly is being planned for my area, but there is going to be room for parking. Honestly there can’t be cars parks with the trucks, vans, and all the other shit that comes down the block to exist and not cause accidents.

When Mike and I went out to dinner and then kept things like I ended up wanting to go to my house and mess around in the hall way which is something we have been doing for years now and it’s fine. Well when I got close to my house Jessica called me to inform me there was a fire somewhere. She wanted to know if I smelt anything, which I did as soon as I rolled Mike’s window down. It smelt like burnt rubber which was really strong. She said she was heading over to my house, but I didn’t take her serious. I was messing around in the hall with Mike and my parents knew I was there but my father decided he wanted to go outside because he didn’t pay attention to the things I say and wanted to go outside. So yeah he caught me making out with Mike but I don’t think he really saw what happened because if he did I think he would have made a bigger deal. Mike felt embarrassed and left and with that Jessica arrived and he left. I asked Jes to come in, since she had that horrible dog her family baby sits, cause I wanted my mother to see it and if my father said anything I could be like… well Jessica was here maybe you were seeing things. Jes and I then went for a walk after that and Mike informed me that the horrible smell was due to a tire fire in Jersy.

On the walk with Jessica she told me about how she is moving on from the Bird which is great. Her last encounter with him was fucked up and honestly pissed me off but I am sure it pissed her off as well. She told me about the new guy which strangely enough some things that she keeps informing me about in regards to him seem to be coming true based off of a dream I had. Yeah I have dreams every once and a while that predict upcoming shit, I’m not going on any tv shows or anything over it or starting a psychic hotline. The first thing was that there was going to be this guy wearing plaid that was a hipster, and Rob is that… the other thing that I dreamt was that he had a huge dick which apparently she tells me is true. And in all honesty its something I really don’t need to know about. When it comes to things like that I tend to be very sensitive mainly due to the fact that I am self conscious of myself. When I think about it I think of how she talks about it and how its something that she remembers someone by. I feel that that is not something memorable that would be remembered if I were to get into another relationship and Mike thought back about me. Or even if it was with anyone that I was with in the past, not that there is anyone, but its still something I think of. Jessica mainly stirred up that thought. I know I have better qualities that make me someone, someone would want to be with. I guess I’d prefer to be “that guy who had the elephant dick” than “I felt comfortable with and could open up to about anything” or “He was so supportive in my times of need I regret losing him for that.” but no, I’d rather be referred to as the one who was hung like a whale. Isn’t that fucking pathetic?

"Alison" by Elvis Costello

Thursday: Today truly started off like something from a sitcom. I got myself ready and left my house, only to be a block away and realize I left my insulin home. I called my mother and she met me by the door where I took the pens from her and headed to the train. As I reached the stairs to the train, the train pulled in. I ran up 3 flights of stairs only to have my ipod fall out of my hoody pocket and bounce its way to the edge of the tracks. Here I am like a fool running after my ipod as it makes a mad dash to the ledge and I’m following with my arms open. Thank God it didn’t fall down the little gap between the train and the platform falling to its 3 story death, shattering itself all over the damp street. As soon as I grabbed my ipod I looked up and the train doors were closing. After all this I was not going to miss my train, so I shoved my arm inside. The doors then reopened and I was on my way to school. With a day starting like this I avoided those graitings that ventilate the subways. I couldn’t chance possibly falling down one since that is already a huge fear of mine.

The lab was busy, and I just made myself comfortable at the front desk and told people to sign into the lab. I was busy reading the article I had on Judges, when an older woman walked in rambling about signing in and all this stuff. She saw Mobruka and suddenly became excited since she saw a familiar face. They spoke for a while before she trotted into the Mac lab. While in there I heard her talking to Mayra and then get quiet. Milly walked out angrily and said how there was an older student that had her at wits end. The student wanted to burn a cd with documents on it, and when Milly asked where they were she said she didn’t type them yet. So Milly’s head then started to explode. She also said the woman didn’t know her name so she called her 3 different names in the course of 10 min, which I found hysterical. So for the rest of the day any name that popped into my head I called her. I think I’ll do this for the next few weeks…

When I got home, after dinner I spoke to Jessica about the fire that transpired the night before. The smell was so strong that we both smelt it from our houses but didn’t know where exactly it was coming from. She was telling me about how she took the bus the other day and a crazy person was on the bus, when they got off another came and replaced them. I told her how the other day while going to the art store I walked down a block full of lunatics. Homeless lunatics to be exact. There was the cup cake van parked in front of a Starbucks and as a woman was placing an order, a homeless guy was busy blowing his nose on the side walk. He was pushing so hard you would have thought he was trying to expel a demon or something from himself. The cup cake vendor guy and the woman both looked at the homeless man with horror. I walked down the block avoiding the snot blobs to find the homeless guy that looks like a dirty Jesus ranting in a pay phone booth with a Dunkin’ Doughnuts cup about how he loves the city. When I was done in the art store and was heading home, a toothless guy noticed my plugs in my ears and decided to talk to me. If I could tell you what the conversation was about, I’d seriously love to, because I have no idea what it was about.

I then told her about the kittens in my yard. The stray that is in my yard finally brought one of her litters over into my yard. My mother thinks its because she wants them to fend for their own since she is possibly pregnant again. For some reason out of all of them, one seems to have stayed in my yard. I heard it this morning before all the chaos ensued. I heard it from my bathroom, which isn’t even close to my yard. It wasn’t meowing loudly, it was more of an exhausted meow of despair. When I looked in the yard I found the mother but no kittens. It wasn’t until my mother woke up and pointed out that there was one in the airy way, which led me to jump down and get it. The kitten jumped and climbed and got out before I could even grab it, but now is still in my yard. We put something out for it to lay in but its not having it. I think it wants its mother and she is off doing whatever somewhere. Not hearing its cries, so it pretty much is staying in our yard especially since it can’t figure out how to leave the yard. It isn’t a terrible thing, but I find myself worrying about it and becoming overly emotional. I noticed that that is something that happens with me lately, I am overly emotional over certain things. I think it has to do with certain things in my life that I never let out any emotion. Mainly dealing with the losses of certain family members. The only ones that come to mind immediately are my grandparents and my uncle. I can’t say I hold back emotions when it comes to Michelle, though that is different. It is still something I really have a hard time dealing with and it gets to me. But for now, the source of my emotional strain is this kitten in my yard. I just don’t want to open my door and find it dead, huddled in the corner somewhere. My mother isn’t really wanting to take it in, not yet anyway. So I will just continue to hope for the best.