"Heads Will Roll" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

This week was truly not something I wish I dealt with. If I could go into a time machine I would warn myself to go take another route and not continue through it. Unfortunately I cannot do that though. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and form grudges.

To start things off lets start out with what happened in September. I remember the semester starting and Mobruka pointing out to me, how I should save this date November 20^th. It is her birthday and she begged me to be there to celebrate, Milly too. Please come to my birthday she asked pointing out how I would be meeting her friends. I agreed though I was iffy, I am not that close with her though we have dealt with some things together and have helped each other out. But a birthday, with people I don’t know other than her. I wasn’t to sure. As the weeks followed, and months, she told me about her friends. About this one’s wedding, and how that one has a boyfriend that doesn’t treat him how he should be treated. I listened, wanting to meet some of them, and she assured I would at her dinner. Finally it was here, and I did not want to go. My mood shifted I thought about things better and honestly, her indecisive plans as to not being sure whether she wanted to have it up down, or down town, or even queens did not comfort me. All I knew was I wanted Mike there if I went, but no he was busy finishing up the dvd for the movie he was working on. I asked Jessica, and she had plans. So with this information my desire to attend had diminished further. I did not want to go, and I was presented with a great opportunity. She informed me the night before that it would be in queens, I was off the hook and made other plans to go out with Maia. I discussed with her how Mobruka was having it in queens and it wasn’t easy for me to get there. It was also insulting that I was only invited to get drinks after with her and her friends, but not the dinner like everyone else.

Maia and I had a great time, the highlight of the week really. We discussed a lot about the project and also about how Selma apparently is freaking out over the fact that Maia and I are as friendly as we are now. Seriously, I have no interest in either of them physically it isn’t some bizarre love triangle. I think Selma feels I spend more time with Maia now and it makes her jealous cause I am not that way with her. But she works and is so busy doing her thing, working day shifts alternating nights, she doesn’t make me feel like she is coming to spend time in Brooklyn like Maia so I just don’t ask. I have to keep the mantra in my head that my mother’s friend Ronny told me some years ago where I shouldn’t expect anything from friends this way I am not disappointed. Maia told me about all the shit she dealt with in regards to Yuki being nuts. She really expressed to me how she is still upset over everything and I don’t blame her. Brett is really a hard nut to crack and the fact she was having conversations with him that were on a friendly basis seems almost unbelievable. For whatever reason Yuki ruined it all since she felt Maia was being inappropriate. She also told me how she hated how Brett took Yuki’s side or seemed that way. After she explained how Selma went and spoke to Brett about how it was unfair to Maia that Yuki was behaving that way. So Maia just does her work and that’s it, she really doesn't have time for anything else to deal with.

Sunday I made the chicken parmesan for Mobruka with my mother. Since she is Muslim she can’t have pork in the sauce, but she doesn’t care about the chicken. So Sunday the cooking began. After everything was done and put in the fridge, with even a soy alternative for Maia, I got a text around Midnight. This is where my week started to get horrible. Mobruka asked if it was possible to have the food on Tuesday. Previously we discussed how Tuesday was bad due to her teaching schedule and also added I was having a research meeting. I pointed out how this was a bad idea and how I had a meeting but in my hasty texting, I messed the message up and she asked why Tuesday was out. Apparently one of her friends came to see her from Australia and she wanted to spend time with them. So in frustration I just said fine and ended things. I was livid. Honestly I didn’t know what to do I was so angry. The best way I found to deal with this is to sleep on it, but that didn’t work. Even the tirade I had talking to my mother didn’t help either I just was angry. I went into work and was still upset. Not as upset as I was but upset. To add to this as I left for work my mother saw bills from the health insurance billing me for doctor’s appointments and accidently opened the letter with my Gre score. I just took it and left, I was going to review it later. I left the office to go to graduate admissions and find out if they received the scores as well. This way also I was hoping that Mobruka would leave since she pointed out that she was in such a rush to leave and that was why she couldn’t have lunch. When I got to admissions I was told they didn’t receive anything and to call the testing company, and to add to this if the letter was still sealed they would have taken in. Thanks mom… when I got back to the office, I saw Mobruka sitting at my desk. I didn’t want to look at her. A student was visiting her and left as I entered. She asked me how I was doing and if everything was alright. In all honesty I don’t know what came over me. It was as if I took a step back from everything and was watching myself just erupt on her. I said to her “I could not be any more pissed off at you right now, I am so upset its not even funny. Please leave the office now!” My voice was raised, I was not yelling. No one really knows what I sound like when I yell, I don’t do it often. I was not yelling in this situation. We discussed things and honestly as I continued I felt better and better. As the words came out of my mouth I felt more relieved but I was still angry. We ended things calmly and understanding both sides. After that all ended and she left I sat at my desk and just relaxed. Denae came in and we spoke for a little as I continued to cool off still in shock at how I went off. That has not ever happened to me before where I had no control over what I was saying.

So my week continued to be shitty, now on top of that Mobruka is acting a little weird. She said she didn’t like that I yelled at her and I pointed out if I yelled at you, you would know. I didn't like that she called me emotional either. I am not emotional, if I was I would have cried. I discussed how I needed to get a hold of this work study Annie, and I came in early but she wasn’t there. Funny thing is she ended up coming to me. Apparently she is an idiot. But I should know this that she is exactly that. She used all her hours up and so now I don’t have anyone there to cover the times she is supposed to be there. I am working on arranging things but honestly I am happy her ass is gone since she was causing problems talking to her friends. Turning the front of the lab into a social event. But whatever, my week got better after that. 

"Deeper Well" by Nada Surf

Thinking about some things, I have come to a few conclusions. Or maybe it is really just one. I realize now why it is easier to think the worst case scenario over any others. If someone were to think about the positive in a situation and then the outcome is the opposite you are just disappointed. If you think the worst and the outcome is better or not as bad, you feel better about it. Silly even, to think that you thought something so horrible could have happened. Thinking about this conference in California, I am thinking the worst. On top of that I am doing the same about my application to grad school which reminds me I should check on that tomorrow and if my grades were received. Tomorrow at the research meeting I am just going to tell them that I am not going to go. This is not going to be the last trip to California in existence, nor will it be the last presentation we will be presenting at. It will just make things easier for me to say no, so I am not stressing over packing and getting medical letters, then to stress for the ride home and God knows whatever else. It will just be done and over. It will spare me from over thinking. I still have yet to really feel completely relaxed and stress free. Everything I seem to do is just temporary, just temporary fixes for something that isn’t going away. Due to me feeling this way I am super irritable and little things set me off. What is funny is that before I was letting a lot of things just blow over, now I feel like I am just snippy with everything. I am really trying not to be, but there are times where I just don’t care and if you cant deal with it its just to bad.

To add to all of this I am also not really having the best time when it comes to sleep. It probably is mostly my fault too. I am noticing that there are nights where I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back to sleep. Then there are nights I am at the computer and close my eyes for a second to wake up a few min after and horribly exhausted to the point where sleeping on the floor right there doesn’t sound like a bad idea. I tend to fall asleep on the train and last week did so and missed my stop at work adding 20 min or so to my commute. This is probably something I should probably talk to Joanne about which is going to have to wait until next week since she is on vacation starting Wednesday. 

"Conversation 16" by The National

I expected, that after completing the GRE, I would be stress free. That is not the case...

I wonder if I am possibly more stressed than I was before. I feel as if I have not had a breath of fresh air, or time to relax since I started studying for this test. I took it on the fifth of October and my experience with the test was less than desired. Based off of my previous experience with this test, I learned that having the special accommodations is really important if you have a health or learning disability. The time I made sure I filed everything so that I could have my blood machine, and if I needed venture to the bathroom more than once, I could. It just is such a huge turn off that they treat you as if you are in a prison. Maia defined it this way, and told me how she needed a cough drop and the "warden" had to okay it. They wouldn't let her enter with it in her pocket or in her hand, it had to be in her mouth when she entered. For me, every time I had to use the bathroom I needed to bring my id. When I would enter the test room again I was required to have my pickets emptied, which they were, and then had a mental detecting wand waved over me. The test wasn't fun and I blame the stress of the writing portion on my performance which was not up to the level I was expecting. After completing all those quizzes and tests I should have done equally as well. But no... Honestly I wasn't so happy with my score, I did barely ok. The interesting thing is that Maia scored very close to me. 

From this point on I just have to wait for my college to let me know how I did. I keep asking Maia how she feels, if she feels like she should study and take it again. If she has this feeling of uncertainty, if we need to take it again and the answer is yes. She said she was happy that I said this to her so she knows she isn't alone in how she feels. Misery does love company especially when the GRE is concerned. So I have to wait 10-15 days for the school to get my grade and then wait another 2-3 weeks for them to review. I really hope that they like everything else from me because if it goes by just this grade and I have to take it again, I am screwed. If I have to take this again I don't know what I will do since it will take a while for me to get d test day, and then it's waiting almost a month for everything to be sent and reviewed. This will set me back so much. By I need not think about this and as Joanne suggested maybe I put my eggs all in one basket. I should look at some other programs. 

Joanne assured me I did all I could do and to relax. That was the main theme behind Fridays sessions, relax. I am stressed and I hoped that I wouldn't be anymore. The big fucking thing that is stressing me now is this trip to California. I want to go and as much as I want to go I don't. Th fear of getting on a plane for the first time is killing me. Joanne told me that I need to make the decision, but know if I don't go at some point in my life I will have to. I have this fucked up thought of how I will die on the flight. The likely hood of this happening is slim but I feel the more I tell myself this, the more it will happen. My luck the first flight I get on and I die. I feel like people will look at me like "he had to go on this flight he couldn't have missed it, if he did he would be alive now." Which I know is a fucked up way of thinking. And as someone pointed out to me if I died would I care at that point? Be it as I may it still is causing duress. What the fuck do I do? And time is running out they will need my decision. Joanne was trying to nudge me to go mentioning two things to me. One was how comfortable do I feel with someone else presenting the work I have done, would they be taking credit for it. And two is about this psychological technique called flooding. You are afraid of something and you dive right in to get over it. I don't know how I feel about this I just wish I could make a decision, cause I know what comes with decisions. If I go I will be nervous and worrying about the ride home and being somewhere I don't know. And if I am home, my regret for not going. 

But separate from this there was drama in the house the next morning after the GRE. So happy it was NOT the night before the test. Apparently the tenant on the third floor was at a party where her husband was drunk. Really drunk to the point of vomiting all over. She as embarrassed and left the party early, he followed half an hour later. He got home and wanted to have sex and she did not so he beat the fucking shit out of her and ripped her clothes. Their three children were home and saw all of it and heard it. She ran down to the second floor tenants and the cops came and arrested him. Things have been quiet here since he isn't home though I wonder what will happen with them. Earlier in the week the cops came but when my mother spoke to the husband he acted as if he didn't know what happened. But we found out that he told his wife while she got ready for work that since she will or relieve him he will do it himself. And stripped in the living room and jerked off. He grabbed her, and tried to make her jerk him off but she recoiled which led him I bend her fingers back. As she tried to escape he beat her and yelled for someone to call the cops. When they got there she was gone and he wasn't going to admit what he did so nothing happened. Makes things so difficult with the people here because it makes my mother want to get rid of both tenants it just sets us back money wise and sucks in regards to the mortgage.