"Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns N' Roses

So as much as I don’t want to think about tomorrow, I am. Dreading to see what is going to happen with this new semester starting. I have been talking to my mother about how I don’t want to walk in to find Milly in my office because I will have to bite my tongue and not be nasty to her. To add to things, Mobruka didn’t help much. She was sending me texts asking when I am coming in tomorrow and then on how I should be there before her and not repeat what I did last semester. What the fuck? Seriously, I only have a certain amount of hours, and I am going in late and leaving late why should I be in early and work longer? Yes I am studying for the gre with Maia but still? I really feel like I have to hold back from telling her to shut the fuck up. I don’t want to go in tomorrow with a huge attitude since I have things to take care of. I laughed when she wrote how things need to change, I felt like saying its in the works since I am going to make sure my door’s lock is changed. But first tomorrow I need to get that desk removed, and then I can focus on other things. I’m going to ignore what she says about not removing it and just get it the fuck out. It needs to go. All it does it just take up room and have mouse shit collect on it.

This is all stuff to talk to Joanne about. I know that I am stressed with having to take this test, so I have put some things on the back burner so that I am not overly anxious and upset. Unfortunately my temper then gets the best of me and I’m angry easily. Especially in situations like this where I would be irked normally now makes me want to just yell at the person and say do me a favor and don’t talk to me. Make believe I don’t exist, I’m not here. I’m the wind. And I can’t say tomorrow, hey I am not in the mood to talk because then automatically then the other person is going to wonder why. What is the problem? So tomorrow I need to go in with all smiles on my face, everything is right with the world, though it isn’t. I think I will have to just stress to Dr. Lanzone that I need the lock changed as soon as possible, and I realize the semester is just starting so things will be crazy. 

"Lucky You" by Deftones

So I made up my decision as to if I am going to my cousin's wedding and I can't make it. I can't go for a number of reasons and the biggest one is I cannot afford it. It's going to run me over a thousand to travel and get every thing I need to go. I don't feel comfortable asking Jessica to completely split things with me even if she were to go with me. Unlike with the California research conference trip where we are all splitting things so that we can all go. My cousin sans writing me this week and I asked to exchange numbers with her. As I discussed with Jessica, I wanted to talk to my cousin about the wedding but I didn't want to minimize the event. A wedding is a big deal, it's just not something I can afford now. Comparing the two events to each other, both important, one falls way outside of my financial situation. Even if my cousin knows where I am coming from I don't want her to think I am choosing to not go to her brother's wedding for other reasons. One reason being, that my aunt will be there, but that also is a contributing factor as to why I'm not going. I discussed this all with Jessica, and she said that as we get older there will be weddings we go to where we don't know people at our table. She compared it to a wedding she went to with her boyfriend and it was not the same. She was his date of course she didn't know anyone there, but this is a family event and I should know more people there than uh three? And those people really aren't going to spend the whole night with me. On a side note even though I am not going to this wedding I need to continue to save money which is not working out in y favor. Save money and lose weight... Okay well save money, lose weight, and study for the GRE. Let's see if I can do all that.

And speaking of the GRE I am still studying obviously. Maia from the research project is also. I think it is interesting that we never really spoke, I have known her for possibly over a year but never made a connection with her to talk to her. The only one I really talk to like that is Selma. Then again I had class with Selma and also have been working on this project with her for close to two years now. So Maia has been meeting me at work and we study spending three hours on math and she thanked me letting me know it's helping and I agree. I just have to see how this will work out with classes starting up soon. I am aiming to take this test before September 25th which is when the next Warcraft expansion comes out. This way I can invest my time in the game and not worry about the test. 

And finally the office... With the return of Dr. Lanzone things are going to change. Not that they hadn't with Davies doing things, but with her doing stuff it will happen. My fear is the head slacking off with taking care of the lab due to the fact that the lab isn't really under the departments control. When I was talking to Dr. Lanzone about the key situation, she wasn't aware that Mayra was giving keys away to people as if they were candy. Too many people have keys to my office and the main doors which changed when the locks were changed. But still my office is open to those with the key. This bothers me. This bothers me and the fact that Milly goes in there before I am at work and is on the computer. It isn't her office she shouldn't be in there when I am not there. The biggest problem with this is that when Milly and I both started working for the department we came in at the same level. We were both tutors and as time passed, that changed. I was more for software and hardware of he computers and she remained a reading tutor. So now that I am in a position of authority she doesn't see it. Whatever I may say, whether it is something I'm changing or something coming from a professor in charge, she will not pay any mind to it. Same problem I had with Tiffany working for me until I spoke to her and said I would not have the head of the dept sign her time sheets if she kept acting like a shit. So I have to rearrange my office and Dr. Lanzone will work on having the locks changed so that no one is I my office without me being there, which is what she wants, I want, and the way the office is supposed to be run. If I let someone in it's because I am there. I wanted to talk to Mobruka about this but I feel I can't. It's probably best if she doesn't know what is going on and just walks into it all.

"Your Legs Grow" by Nada Surf

I have to say that my stress level has possibly gone down,
or maybe it’s down at this moment. But it also can be the result of the drama
with the GRE. No, no, I did not take it yet. And what happened is honestly
ridiculous. A week ago, I received an email from ETS the testing company. They
sent it to my personal email and said something about how I should rate my
experience with taking the new GRE. I didn’t take it and why did I get this
email here? So I called them to ask what this was in regards to. I told them
that I put in a request through disabled students and was waiting to hear a
reply. Turns out the spelt my last name wrong after I clearly gave them my
email. The “okay” saying that I am allowed special benefits went out two weeks
after I had it faxed in. So, yeah I could have taken the test more than likely
when I wanted to. But how would this affect me getting into gradschool? Well
yeah it isn’t good. The head of the masters psych programs decided that they
had enough applicants and close the program a month before they normally do, so
I can’t apply for the fall just the spring. So that screws up my plan so far
with going to the conference in California. If I go, instead of having grants
to pay for my trip I have to pay out of pocket which leads to other issues…

My cousin is getting married the end of October and I wanted
to go. I wanted to go since we got the save the date card. When I mentioned it
to Jessica before I could even finish asking if she would go with me she said
“I have the perfect dress!” so yeah she’d be my +1. Literally right after the
wedding is this conference in California. It's the beginning of November. So I don’t
know how this is going to work unless I do not buy anything for a while, which
lately as I mentioned isn’t easy. Oh did I mention I am also having a tattoo
drawn up for my back? So how the fuck am I going to do all of this?! Jessica
said that I can put the tattoo off it is not a rush and I totally agree. It wasn’t
even something I should sit and rethink. It is something that will have to
wait. The money I save, I am also afraid won’t be enough to cover both. I
really don’t know what to do in this situation, but as I pointed out to Jessica
I know one situation, event, that will make things worse.

I will discuss this all with Joanne tomorrow when I see her
let alone the other issues that are on my mind. 

“Passport Radio” by Broken Social Scene

After talking to Jessica about what recently happened with Matt, I thought maybe it would be good to write about him and how I know him. Especially because I remember everything as if it were yesterday when we started speaking which is really weird since it was way longer than that.

Honestly, I don’t remember when Matt and I first started speaking. I know it was some time ago, a long time ago I should say. Looking back on how I have been in a relationship for 7 years now how I met Matt way before Mike even came into the picture. I think that I met Matt right after I first started talking to Joseph online. I remember it was the fall and I was on IAM, which was a site I had a membership to that was only for people with body modifications and tattoos. Someone new has posted on there and after going to his page I remember I found him really cute. Blonde, that was what I was drawn to then like kryptonite. I was hesitant to write him, but I was that way with everyone on there. I had spoken to quite a few people, whether it was someone I was attracted to or someone just to talk to and had experienced the good and the bad. Some people didn’t want to know me because I didn’t have, what they felt, enough tattoos or piercings and I was beneath them. It seems so ridiculous to even write that but it was true. When I discussed it with Stephanie, who I am still friends with, she told me that some people were like that. But I hoped this guy wasn’t. He didn’t have a ton of pictures on his page, but what I saw, I knew I liked. I believe we spoke for a while and either one of two things happened next, I may just have the order wrong. On this there was this thing called IAM:Crush. The way it worked was if I liked someone on the site, since it was such a small community of people on there unlike facebook, I would put their name in this application. If by some random stroke of luck they liked me too it would send us both notifications saying guess what they like you too. I know at some point I put Matt in mine and I think what happened was I was surprised to see that he liked me and that led me to talk to him about it.

I was shocked to find out that he was gay, but as he explained so would most of his friends. He wasn’t out to anyone, except to those who he was interested in. He told me how if he told anyone he was friends with they would laugh and not believe him. However he managed to have relationships with guys without his friends knowing, I will never know. He told me that there were some girls mixed in, but that was mainly due to him getting drunk and ending up in bed with one. Apparently there were a few. He had told me about how his parents were separated and how he had moved around a lot. When I think of DC, Boston, and NY I think of him. Those are the places that stick in my head when I think of him. He told me how in previous relationships he never went anywhere romantic. I remember him telling me how one boyfriend took him to McDonalds and that was about as classy as it got. I pointed out if I was given the chance I would take him out, and I knew where too. Funny thing is it was Pizza Plus, which is the first place Mike and I went on a date to.

Eventually things got to a point where I was wanting his phone number and I was so hesitant to even ask. Previously I had asked someone from match.com for their number and I was shut down. The answer was no due to their poor cell reception, but I knew that was all bullshit. But with Matt, he gave it to me without any hesitation and was so nice about it. I remember that we would text randomly, and I wanted to not come off to strong though I was so excited to think about how this guy that I was attracted to that was attracted to me wanted to talk to me. Our conversations then turned into phone conversations. We would talk about a lot of different things mostly music and things we were into. At the time since he was majoring in graphic design, I think he was with a lot of art people and would smoke pot and drink. Then again I wasn’t dorming away so I wouldn’t know what exactly went on. He is the one that got me into Broken Social Scene, and he told me his favorite song of theirs was “Passport Radio”. It was around this time that he was telling me about a friend of his named Renee and how they would have such great times together. I know that I automatically thought of my cousin and wondered if it was possible that she knew him. I remember one Christmas she came with my aunt and we were talking about Broken Social Scene and how our friend Matt got us into them. Wait… we both looked at each other saying you have a friend named Matt that introduced you to Broken Social Scene? Matt what… But no, it wasn’t the same Matt.

There were nights we would call each other and just talk for a bit, maybe an hour or two and it was awesome. I remember there was a day I had to call him and wake him up and he was surprised that I did that. He asked me to and I guess he just wasn’t expecting me to do that. I remember how he was busy stretching his ear lobes up and got up to an inch, he had posted a few pictures at that time of himself with them large.

Thing were progressing and we were still talking. I remember that when I first met Joseph for the first time Matt came up in conversation. I don’t remember if it was a period of time where I was happy with Matt or not. There was a holiday coming up where Matt was planning to come to NY and I hoped that I would get to see him. He said that he would stay with friends on his visits so I had the idea of him staying over. And through luck at the time, my aunt was going away for the weekend so if I wanted Matt to stay over he could. What a great idea, but I would hope this idea would fly by my mother, so I slowly started to mention him. Work him into the conversations and it seemed to work. I mentioned that he would be visiting and it was fine with her that he would stay over up at my aunt’s. He said that that worked for him and I remember I was online the day he was coming down. I kept my laptop on almost all day just to see what was going on. His screenname was on but he wasn’t there. I didn’t want to be up his ass but eventually did call or text him since it was getting late. He didn’t have the money for the trip and so he didn’t go. Yeah big let down. I was hoping things would have worked out.

We continued to talk despite that set back. The summer rolled around and I use to see him going on old screen names of his. I don’t exactly remember how this happened but I found out he was going into gay chats. Really wasn’t comforting, though we weren’t really in any committed anything so he could do whatever. The summer ended, and his major changed to Sociology since the whole graphic design thing wasn’t working out. He had a professor that pretty much was a huge negative influence on him. He told me some story about how there was an assignment due and how the professor wanted something done a specific way, well more like he didn’t tell them how he wanted it done and since it wasn’t how he wanted it he was pretty much overly critical. Shortly after this I believe he then had surgery on his ear lobes to repair the damage he did going up to an inch. Calling him to find out after his surgery he was a little out of it due ot the pain killers he was given, and he took a little over the recommended dose. I remember talking to him about how I felt about him again and I know there are times is till feel that there are feelings there that were never truly extinguished. But as he put it, he isn’t into the whole long distance thing. I think if I were able to hang out with him and if I didn't like what he presented it would change how I felt or make things worse. For example when I met Jackie, the attraction I had to him was thrown out the window. He did make a comment that if he was in NY in the future that if we were both single we would see where things would go. Is it weird that imagined him coming to NY and being homeless?

We stopped talking for a while, a few months. I was talking to someone else at the time, Jim which was a mistake. It caused Matt to talk to me on occasion, out of him wondering what I was up to. Curious who this guy was writing on my IAM page. I just remember not being happy with Matt and knew he was talking ot me since I was talking to someone else. After that things get hazy strangely enough. I think we just weren’t really speaking for a while and if we were it wasn’t often enough. When I was starting to go out with Mike we spoke here and there. He said Mike was cute and we kinda left things at that. I added him on facebook and found his move to California interesting. It made me think that the only way he could be happy with himself was if he were to start over. Clean slate away from everyone that knew him and reinvent himself while away. He must have gotten his act together while he moved to take on a serious major of Nursing. Honestly, I didn't think he was that smart, he presented himself as a burn out. So based off of this, I guess you can induce that people can change, if they want to. While he was living in California before his move to Colorado, he saw that porn star that I mentioned. I remember when he was posting on Matts wall about how he spent the day with him and comment on a picture e of Matt wearing some hat with bunny ears.

He has been to NY and I still have yet to meet him though I know if the opportunity arose I would be there and trying to not come off as a creeper. When he was here last he was here with his boyfriend and then again for Halloween. It would have been nuts to bump into him while he was here since we were both out that night in the city. Me seeing Ween and him enjoying the parade. I am happy he has kept some form of contact with me, though I wish we spoke more. And him giving me his new updated cell number really was nice and showed me that he still wants to be friends. Even if I we never met… I’ll just have to try and not hit the facetime button on my iphone...

And this is everything I have to say about Matt.

(I listened to Broken Social Scene as I wrote this by the way.)

"All is a Game" by Nada Surf

It seems like everything we do in life is a form of escapism. Something that I didn't think about until after talking to Jessica about things. I mentioned previously that I have this problem now with spending money. One reason I don't have a credit card is because of this and I am probably better off that way for now. When you sit back and look at things we do that are outside of work, school, and studying it is clear that the activities we partake in are escapism. We use these fun and entertaining distractions as ways to decompress from dealing with stressful situations. We read, play video games, watch tv, movies, see friends, drink, and do drugs. Not to say I do all of those, I recognize that when I sit in front of the computer to play WoW, it is because I feel like being a rogue right now and sneaking up on people and not thinking about the upcoming GRE. Whenever that is...

I'm reading now in between studying and I wonder at times if it's to much of a distraction. I can't study 24/7 or else I will lose my mind and my brain will shut down at some point putting up internal road blocks that it can't take another math problem or vocabulary word. I have put off reading the book Snuff but finally am and am very much so into it. More so since I know everyone is reading Fifty Shades of Grey and I know that this one blows it out of the water with its graphic smutty content. It is like I have a private movie playing in my head just for my entertainment and no one else's. Taking me away from personal drama and the GRE. It is just funny how the contents came to be something to deal with yesterday.

I would say maybe a year ago or so, one night looking at random porn I recognized one of the guys in the video. I couldn't place his face but knew that he looked familiar and realized I saw him on Matt's page. There wasn't any identifiable name listed so I just passed by but knew it was someone he knew. It wasn't until another video went up where I saw the tattoo on his pelvic region and the huge full back piece of an angel and a I knew it was the same person. But does Matt know? Was it my place to say hey your friend so and so is in porn? When I presented this to Chrissy she said that it shows that maybe Matt has done something since he has a friend that has, not really a true sign but who knows. It wasn't until I posted something the other day on Facebook that made Matt comment that I felt maybe it's time to say something. His response was of shock and he told me to write him so instead I texted him and he knew who I was referring to. It was someone he was seeing for a short period of time. I know that I often talk about this with friends, what if you met someone and they were awesome but then you found out they were in porn. What would you do? Would you continue to see them and feel comfortable eve after knowing they were with someone else that day, or three other people that week? And how about when you google them and see them online in compromising poses with a bunch of dicks in their mouth or eating someone out. Can't say that would make anyone feel proud. I know that someone Mike knew was dating a porn star and that was the case, thought I'm not sure of who ending it first. But in Matt's case he didn't know and when he found out he ended things. He said that when he saw how many videos he was in, and the live cam shows he had to end it because he is jealous and wants all the attention, but who isn't in a relationship? Don't we all want to be the focus of that person's life? He ended he convo with how this guy is really nice and he would tell him I saw him. Also that I am welcome to write him anytime and I am not a bother. Yet when I pointed out how busy I feel he is he didn't reply.

And this all comes to give me ideas. I want to do standup, another way to deal with shit, and got information on where to go and do it. Something I have wanted to do for so long. Jessica said she would with me, but I want to plan what I'd say. This definitely will be a part of it. Thanks for the material Matt.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad