"Prove Me Wrong" by Class Actress

It's a little sad that I don't remember where I left off here. Life has resumed back to it's somewhat chaotic state. I am still waiting to find out if I got into grad school. I feel like this is some form of cruel karmatic torture because I didn't do this sooner. So I am being punished for waiting so long. When I saw Maia last she said that I should have heard from the school already. I told her that I am sure they are going to use the hurricane as an excuse for not reviewing me sooner and she said that the next thing would be them using Thanksgiving as an excuse. Yeah, I feel she is right and it is going to come to exactly that. I am afraid that I am not going to get in, but doesn't everyone feel that way? I invested so much time into that fucking GRE for what?! From what this girl told me, that came to my office looking for a professor, the school looks at your GRE score first and the students that excelled there are first admitted then the others. I hope that those that did stellar on the GRE are not only looked at for their grade on that alone. That wouldn't be fair if they did phenomenal on that and then their gpa sucked and they didn't have enough letters of recommendation. I need to not worry about it, but that isn't easy for me...

I need to focus on other things too. Especially since I got that report done at work finally. It was hell and dragged on. Finally I got it done at work though that is out of the way. I can focus on writing this portion of this journal article so it can be published. I am totally going to have a party for this! I wanted to have something published before I went to grad school to put it on my application but that didn't work out the way I had planned. I can settle for publication after though.

I was thinking about something tonight, in relation to my father. I know at times I wonder what qualities I get from my parents. I know that the creative side comes from my mother. The only thing I think I got from my father isn't even something genetic. It's more something learned and really it is undesirable. I am thinking about how my mother told me that my father would create drama and i feel that maybe that applies to me. Then again I think that in most situations it isn't like that. The best situation that fits that is the one with this baseball player at my school. He has come to the lab plenty of times and has been an asshole. Now he just acts like a total fuck and ignores me when I tell him to sign into the lab. Mobruka thinks i am making a big deal and that I am making things worse due to me already previously disliking him. Honestly, there might be some truth there but I don't want him there anymore since he is so inconsiderate. I suggested her be in the room when I talk to him, but she feels she should talk to him. The bottom line is this which I told her, regardless of what you tell him I am telling him that if he cannot respect the rules of the lab, and the faculty and other students he is not welcome in the lab and cannot be there. He will not be allowed in the lab thats it. I am going to talk to Joanne about this and hear her thoughts.

"Claudia Lewis" by M83

The anticipation of hearing from someone at the office was getting to me, especially since the head of the department did not respond to the email I sent him. I was talking to Jessica on the phone about the trains and trying to figure out a way to get in. I decided to text Milly to find out if she had a hard time after a few texts back and forth she ended up calling me. It worked out better, though I was getting frustrated trying to explain that the train wasn't running by me. She gave me two alternative routes, the problem with one is if the train isn't running I am screwed. The other route involved me transferring to three other trains which I did not like. I realize my straight ride to work on one train spoiled me, but three trains seems horrible. I ended up speaking with Mobruka later on and told me that she wasn't going to the exhibit tomorrow. Later I would find out that the only person going other than myself is Mike, but that's fine though I had interest in going with a group to enjoy and experience it. Mobruka was telling me she saw my train running though she didn't know if it was coming to my area or not. I told her I was going to ask the token booth person at the platform in a bit to find out whats going on since the MTA info wasn't clear, or as clear I wanted it presented.

Well shit don't I feel a little foolish. When I got up to the token booth I asked the woman there about the train finding out though the service is a little different, it will take me straight to where I have to go. So I could have gone in today. Oh well... I got back home and my mother wanted to go on the crusade for gas. Before she did I said I would walk over to the station and find out if they had any and I am glad I did. There were cars scattered all over with people waiting inside almost as if they were frozen in time. I asked the gas attendant and he told me that they didn't have any gas today but tomorrow they will. It was a good idea I walked.

I really need to get myself to bed, even though I got up late and attempted a nap. I got this thing from thinkgeek that is suppose to simulate fireflies on a plant. It hangs from the ceiling which I did not know. My room ceiling isn't really something I want to drill holes in so instead I mounted it with command strips. While laying under it, the lights were hypnotizing but honestly I am not afraid of this thing falling on my head. Probably should have had it moved over some but it's to late now. the command drips adhered and seem as if they turned into cement. Both good and bad if I want to move it. When I got up I got a late start to my workout and also discovered a flea on Teddy's face. There shouldn't be anything on the cats after using frontline so this was odd. I ended up trying to capture them and putting flea powder on them since you cannot use frontline until a month passes. I am hoping this issue gets resolved without using something serious like a flea bomb ugh. We still so not know where the fleas came from since my cats do not go outdoors.

"Holocene" by Bon Iver

My plans for Sunday did not go as I hoped. I wanted to go for a walk, that didn't happen. I found myself just being exhausted, which i am assuming is what will happen tomorrow as well. I decided to not make any attempts in going to the office. There isn't a clear explanation as to if the service has changed for tomorrow. As of this current moment I believe my commute will be hell. The trains are all divided into going to only stops in Brooklyn and then after you pick up a shuttle bus, the trains then resume in Manhattan. But the thing is, they only run starting at 34th street. Trying to find another train to deliver me into the city just proved to be more annoying. I do not wish to take 4 trains or more to get into the city and then worry about doing the same to get home. As much as I like having a reason to not go into work, I hope that by tuesday it's all resolved. I want to go to this living room event and see if it is as special as it is supposed to be.

I emailed the head of the department earlier explaining that my commute will be difficult. If he were to be up my ass about it I would be surprised. I am also expecting to receive a text later from Mobruka asking me if I am coming in. Just thinking about it makes me wish I could do something on my phone to make it so I wouldn't see it. But even doing that would make me wonder if she wrote me or not. I think I'm still a bit irritated...

"Apartment Story" by The National

I was talking to Jessica earlier today, discussing the whole situation with finding gasoline. It's crazy how its so difficult to find due to the hurricane and worrying about it could make someone develop an anxiety disorder. She said how she is worried that her car will run out of gas, but more so her boyfriend running out. There isn't a dire rush for my family to go anywhere, so we aren't in need of gas as of right now. Hopefully alternate side does not go in affect which would cause my mother to have to move the car. She only has quarter of a tank left, and trying to find parking in my area will definitely make you burn through that.

I was talking to Aisha briefly through texts, and she left her job. Her boss was treating her unfairly and she had enough. I don't blame her, and I hope she does something on her way out of the company due to her mistreatment. I mentioned to her Mobruka's stupidity and how she is being thoughtless. I think that Aisha agrees that people are being totally insensitive over this whole situation involving the hurricane. Not everyone has been affected the same way, some worse than others. I know that i have been lucky and I am grateful that things here did not go down hill. And despite all of that, the biggest problem I have is traveling into the city. I explained things to Joanne and she said that everyone knows that right now it's difficult to get into the city. I don't know why Mobruka was acting as if I decided that maybe I just wasn't going to go in because I didn't feel like it. Other than simply ignoring her stupidity, if it comes to her really bothering me about it and the transportation situation is the same I simply am going to say "it is near impossible for me to get into the city at this time." Joanne suggested that, and it does make things clean and simple. It just makes me continue to find Mobruka to be thoughtless.

I don't think saying that being home, though I have been out shortly, is causing me to go stir crazy. When I spoke to Mike we discussed how trying to remember what day it is seems to be a difficult task. If I were going out with Jessica tonight it would be easy to just call car service and go home, but they aren't answering. The one I normally use definitely is not answering and as for the others from what I heard are not either. Last night my mother wanted to go grocery shopping which is not anything different that what normally takes place. While I was waiting for her to bring the car around a woman came over asking if I had called a car service. She was calling several and wanted to know if I had one, but I told her I was just waiting for my mother. I offered the car service I use but she said she tried them already. I doubt that tonight would have been any different, so I stayed in. I do need to save money anyway. Tomorrow if I get up at a decent time I will maybe consider taking a walk or something. I just don't want to feel like I am wasting the day, like I did today.

"Whose Authority" by Nada Surf

Yesterday was a mess trying to travel through Brooklyn to just buy some fruit. The traffic was unbearable but it was all due to people scrambling for gas. The line was so long you would have thought that they were giving it away for free. It was nice to see some families celebrating Halloween, not letting all of this crap that has gone on hold them back. My mother entertained the thought of bringing food home from one of the restaurants but they were all crowded. Starbucks was insane as well, and I decided it would be best to just go.

While I was home I made sure to email the head of the department. He was understanding and isn’t even sure as to what is going on with him. He put me at ease, despite the email that went out from the school stating that people that work for the college should come back Thursday, today. Honestly, even though some train service is back I don’t know how I would do that unless I could fly. There aren’t trains connecting me to the city, only half way. Jessica said I would have to take a shuttle and honestly I don’t want to cause I know they will be packed. Is it really worth it to travel into the city when you will commute for a longer time than you are actually working? 

This morning Joanne called me and let me know she is at the clinic so I will see her tomorrow. We can talk about all of this crazy nonsense then. One thing that really irritated me is that Mobruka sent me a text in regards to how I should be at work today. There isn’t any way, and honestly I don’t want to entertain the thought of traveling in since its not an easy process. You can argue that I don’t take my job seriously. Honestly, the job isn’t that serious to think about traveling in. Lives aren’t at stake, the world will not fall apart, yes I am not bothering in the least. Considering how I blew up on Mobruka last time, I wasn’t really prepared to deal with her inconsiderate comment. All I said to her was “I have no way to get in, I told Seth. And I wont until trains go from Brooklyn to the city.” I wanted to say other things but I didn’t bother. I will vent about this in my session tomorrow which Joanne will ask me  why it bothers me. It bothers me that she is inconsiderate and her statement was insensitive. Thoughtless, thoughtless fucking comments that's what it was. Ugh, so happy I can talk about this tomorrow. 

"Hurricane" by Bush

I feel as if I am in some strange alternate universe. My area is so quiet except for random emergency service vehicles that pass by.

When hurricane Sandy hit I wonder if it was really expected to be this horrible. My area doesn't seem to be affected terribly, but I know others have been. The only thing I am without right now is the Internet which is slowly making me lose my mind. I want to go on the computer in the worst way but I can't. Monday, Brett emailed everyone about the presentation being completed. I asked him if I should make it fancy and he said that would be great. It was so time consuming but I wanted to get it done as soon as I could. I'm glad I did that since I don't have Internet now. So at least that is all done though I don't know if this trip they are taking to California is even happening. The trains here aren't even running which means I can't, and others, can't get to work. They are setting up buses that will hp transport people but seriously why do I want to go deal with all of that hassle? I've just been lucky that the campus is remaining closed and it should. I don't know how many students would really want to try and travel to a bus then try and get a train.

I was speaking to Jessica earlier. I haven't spoken to her on the phone in a couple of days because of the storm. Last I heard was a commotion while I was talking to her due to electrical wires in her yard catching fire. She told me that a fire tuck stayed on her parent's street incase of anything and that when her father came home he kept insisting on putting the power on. She had to then go to a friends house. I can't imagine walking in that even if her friend's parent's house is down the block.

I wish I could get the Internet so I can email this tattoo artist back. I can do it from my phone I just need to plan it out better in my head. Brian I m sure told him I was around and I was inquiring about the cemetery piece. Honestly, I find myself in a situation similar to Jessica's. She waited a while and now is torn as to placement and size. Also doesn't help that her boyfriend is telling her she doesn't need anymore. She only has one small tattoo by her ankle. I don't have that problem, but a monetary one. I also don't know if I still want it, I think money plays a huge role due to it being such a large tattoo on my back. The artist, Robert, also said that since this was a large piece it would take a few designs and time to plan. I don't know if he forgot this but in his email he said he usually does drawings for that week not to far in advanced. I guess I will have to email him about that.

I spoke to Mike earlier and be is in a mess of a situation. He went on a trip for the movie he worked on and got stuck in Manhattan now. He can't get home though he doesn't want to since they don't have any electricity or anything. So he is in the city for how ever long. He reminded me we have the Columbus exhibit next week. He didn't want to bring it up but when he mentioned it I told him I thought the same thing. As I told Jessica I don't know if its even still standing and how I would get there. This is such a mess...

On top of this, I am impatiently waiting for my graduate application to be reviewed. This is only setting things back further since I know no one is there on campus doing anything.

"Heads Will Roll" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

This week was truly not something I wish I dealt with. If I could go into a time machine I would warn myself to go take another route and not continue through it. Unfortunately I cannot do that though. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and form grudges.

To start things off lets start out with what happened in September. I remember the semester starting and Mobruka pointing out to me, how I should save this date November 20^th. It is her birthday and she begged me to be there to celebrate, Milly too. Please come to my birthday she asked pointing out how I would be meeting her friends. I agreed though I was iffy, I am not that close with her though we have dealt with some things together and have helped each other out. But a birthday, with people I don’t know other than her. I wasn’t to sure. As the weeks followed, and months, she told me about her friends. About this one’s wedding, and how that one has a boyfriend that doesn’t treat him how he should be treated. I listened, wanting to meet some of them, and she assured I would at her dinner. Finally it was here, and I did not want to go. My mood shifted I thought about things better and honestly, her indecisive plans as to not being sure whether she wanted to have it up down, or down town, or even queens did not comfort me. All I knew was I wanted Mike there if I went, but no he was busy finishing up the dvd for the movie he was working on. I asked Jessica, and she had plans. So with this information my desire to attend had diminished further. I did not want to go, and I was presented with a great opportunity. She informed me the night before that it would be in queens, I was off the hook and made other plans to go out with Maia. I discussed with her how Mobruka was having it in queens and it wasn’t easy for me to get there. It was also insulting that I was only invited to get drinks after with her and her friends, but not the dinner like everyone else.

Maia and I had a great time, the highlight of the week really. We discussed a lot about the project and also about how Selma apparently is freaking out over the fact that Maia and I are as friendly as we are now. Seriously, I have no interest in either of them physically it isn’t some bizarre love triangle. I think Selma feels I spend more time with Maia now and it makes her jealous cause I am not that way with her. But she works and is so busy doing her thing, working day shifts alternating nights, she doesn’t make me feel like she is coming to spend time in Brooklyn like Maia so I just don’t ask. I have to keep the mantra in my head that my mother’s friend Ronny told me some years ago where I shouldn’t expect anything from friends this way I am not disappointed. Maia told me about all the shit she dealt with in regards to Yuki being nuts. She really expressed to me how she is still upset over everything and I don’t blame her. Brett is really a hard nut to crack and the fact she was having conversations with him that were on a friendly basis seems almost unbelievable. For whatever reason Yuki ruined it all since she felt Maia was being inappropriate. She also told me how she hated how Brett took Yuki’s side or seemed that way. After she explained how Selma went and spoke to Brett about how it was unfair to Maia that Yuki was behaving that way. So Maia just does her work and that’s it, she really doesn't have time for anything else to deal with.

Sunday I made the chicken parmesan for Mobruka with my mother. Since she is Muslim she can’t have pork in the sauce, but she doesn’t care about the chicken. So Sunday the cooking began. After everything was done and put in the fridge, with even a soy alternative for Maia, I got a text around Midnight. This is where my week started to get horrible. Mobruka asked if it was possible to have the food on Tuesday. Previously we discussed how Tuesday was bad due to her teaching schedule and also added I was having a research meeting. I pointed out how this was a bad idea and how I had a meeting but in my hasty texting, I messed the message up and she asked why Tuesday was out. Apparently one of her friends came to see her from Australia and she wanted to spend time with them. So in frustration I just said fine and ended things. I was livid. Honestly I didn’t know what to do I was so angry. The best way I found to deal with this is to sleep on it, but that didn’t work. Even the tirade I had talking to my mother didn’t help either I just was angry. I went into work and was still upset. Not as upset as I was but upset. To add to this as I left for work my mother saw bills from the health insurance billing me for doctor’s appointments and accidently opened the letter with my Gre score. I just took it and left, I was going to review it later. I left the office to go to graduate admissions and find out if they received the scores as well. This way also I was hoping that Mobruka would leave since she pointed out that she was in such a rush to leave and that was why she couldn’t have lunch. When I got to admissions I was told they didn’t receive anything and to call the testing company, and to add to this if the letter was still sealed they would have taken in. Thanks mom… when I got back to the office, I saw Mobruka sitting at my desk. I didn’t want to look at her. A student was visiting her and left as I entered. She asked me how I was doing and if everything was alright. In all honesty I don’t know what came over me. It was as if I took a step back from everything and was watching myself just erupt on her. I said to her “I could not be any more pissed off at you right now, I am so upset its not even funny. Please leave the office now!” My voice was raised, I was not yelling. No one really knows what I sound like when I yell, I don’t do it often. I was not yelling in this situation. We discussed things and honestly as I continued I felt better and better. As the words came out of my mouth I felt more relieved but I was still angry. We ended things calmly and understanding both sides. After that all ended and she left I sat at my desk and just relaxed. Denae came in and we spoke for a little as I continued to cool off still in shock at how I went off. That has not ever happened to me before where I had no control over what I was saying.

So my week continued to be shitty, now on top of that Mobruka is acting a little weird. She said she didn’t like that I yelled at her and I pointed out if I yelled at you, you would know. I didn't like that she called me emotional either. I am not emotional, if I was I would have cried. I discussed how I needed to get a hold of this work study Annie, and I came in early but she wasn’t there. Funny thing is she ended up coming to me. Apparently she is an idiot. But I should know this that she is exactly that. She used all her hours up and so now I don’t have anyone there to cover the times she is supposed to be there. I am working on arranging things but honestly I am happy her ass is gone since she was causing problems talking to her friends. Turning the front of the lab into a social event. But whatever, my week got better after that. 

"Deeper Well" by Nada Surf

Thinking about some things, I have come to a few conclusions. Or maybe it is really just one. I realize now why it is easier to think the worst case scenario over any others. If someone were to think about the positive in a situation and then the outcome is the opposite you are just disappointed. If you think the worst and the outcome is better or not as bad, you feel better about it. Silly even, to think that you thought something so horrible could have happened. Thinking about this conference in California, I am thinking the worst. On top of that I am doing the same about my application to grad school which reminds me I should check on that tomorrow and if my grades were received. Tomorrow at the research meeting I am just going to tell them that I am not going to go. This is not going to be the last trip to California in existence, nor will it be the last presentation we will be presenting at. It will just make things easier for me to say no, so I am not stressing over packing and getting medical letters, then to stress for the ride home and God knows whatever else. It will just be done and over. It will spare me from over thinking. I still have yet to really feel completely relaxed and stress free. Everything I seem to do is just temporary, just temporary fixes for something that isn’t going away. Due to me feeling this way I am super irritable and little things set me off. What is funny is that before I was letting a lot of things just blow over, now I feel like I am just snippy with everything. I am really trying not to be, but there are times where I just don’t care and if you cant deal with it its just to bad.

To add to all of this I am also not really having the best time when it comes to sleep. It probably is mostly my fault too. I am noticing that there are nights where I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back to sleep. Then there are nights I am at the computer and close my eyes for a second to wake up a few min after and horribly exhausted to the point where sleeping on the floor right there doesn’t sound like a bad idea. I tend to fall asleep on the train and last week did so and missed my stop at work adding 20 min or so to my commute. This is probably something I should probably talk to Joanne about which is going to have to wait until next week since she is on vacation starting Wednesday. 

"Conversation 16" by The National

I expected, that after completing the GRE, I would be stress free. That is not the case...

I wonder if I am possibly more stressed than I was before. I feel as if I have not had a breath of fresh air, or time to relax since I started studying for this test. I took it on the fifth of October and my experience with the test was less than desired. Based off of my previous experience with this test, I learned that having the special accommodations is really important if you have a health or learning disability. The time I made sure I filed everything so that I could have my blood machine, and if I needed venture to the bathroom more than once, I could. It just is such a huge turn off that they treat you as if you are in a prison. Maia defined it this way, and told me how she needed a cough drop and the "warden" had to okay it. They wouldn't let her enter with it in her pocket or in her hand, it had to be in her mouth when she entered. For me, every time I had to use the bathroom I needed to bring my id. When I would enter the test room again I was required to have my pickets emptied, which they were, and then had a mental detecting wand waved over me. The test wasn't fun and I blame the stress of the writing portion on my performance which was not up to the level I was expecting. After completing all those quizzes and tests I should have done equally as well. But no... Honestly I wasn't so happy with my score, I did barely ok. The interesting thing is that Maia scored very close to me. 

From this point on I just have to wait for my college to let me know how I did. I keep asking Maia how she feels, if she feels like she should study and take it again. If she has this feeling of uncertainty, if we need to take it again and the answer is yes. She said she was happy that I said this to her so she knows she isn't alone in how she feels. Misery does love company especially when the GRE is concerned. So I have to wait 10-15 days for the school to get my grade and then wait another 2-3 weeks for them to review. I really hope that they like everything else from me because if it goes by just this grade and I have to take it again, I am screwed. If I have to take this again I don't know what I will do since it will take a while for me to get d test day, and then it's waiting almost a month for everything to be sent and reviewed. This will set me back so much. By I need not think about this and as Joanne suggested maybe I put my eggs all in one basket. I should look at some other programs. 

Joanne assured me I did all I could do and to relax. That was the main theme behind Fridays sessions, relax. I am stressed and I hoped that I wouldn't be anymore. The big fucking thing that is stressing me now is this trip to California. I want to go and as much as I want to go I don't. Th fear of getting on a plane for the first time is killing me. Joanne told me that I need to make the decision, but know if I don't go at some point in my life I will have to. I have this fucked up thought of how I will die on the flight. The likely hood of this happening is slim but I feel the more I tell myself this, the more it will happen. My luck the first flight I get on and I die. I feel like people will look at me like "he had to go on this flight he couldn't have missed it, if he did he would be alive now." Which I know is a fucked up way of thinking. And as someone pointed out to me if I died would I care at that point? Be it as I may it still is causing duress. What the fuck do I do? And time is running out they will need my decision. Joanne was trying to nudge me to go mentioning two things to me. One was how comfortable do I feel with someone else presenting the work I have done, would they be taking credit for it. And two is about this psychological technique called flooding. You are afraid of something and you dive right in to get over it. I don't know how I feel about this I just wish I could make a decision, cause I know what comes with decisions. If I go I will be nervous and worrying about the ride home and being somewhere I don't know. And if I am home, my regret for not going. 

But separate from this there was drama in the house the next morning after the GRE. So happy it was NOT the night before the test. Apparently the tenant on the third floor was at a party where her husband was drunk. Really drunk to the point of vomiting all over. She as embarrassed and left the party early, he followed half an hour later. He got home and wanted to have sex and she did not so he beat the fucking shit out of her and ripped her clothes. Their three children were home and saw all of it and heard it. She ran down to the second floor tenants and the cops came and arrested him. Things have been quiet here since he isn't home though I wonder what will happen with them. Earlier in the week the cops came but when my mother spoke to the husband he acted as if he didn't know what happened. But we found out that he told his wife while she got ready for work that since she will or relieve him he will do it himself. And stripped in the living room and jerked off. He grabbed her, and tried to make her jerk him off but she recoiled which led him I bend her fingers back. As she tried to escape he beat her and yelled for someone to call the cops. When they got there she was gone and he wasn't going to admit what he did so nothing happened. Makes things so difficult with the people here because it makes my mother want to get rid of both tenants it just sets us back money wise and sucks in regards to the mortgage. 

"Bad Things" by Cults

I am still studying with Maia, and our test dates are approaching quickly. Maia has only a week left and I have two. I can say that I am probably just as anxious as she is. Talking to Mobruka, and Maia in the office, Mobruka asked about going out after the test. Maia explained things so well, with saying how it’s difficult to think about making plans after the test since it blocks all thought. The idea of a time after this test seems unfathomable right now, but I obviously look forward to not having to worry about this test and studying. My stress level is going to go up more than I care to deal with, I just need to keep calm and go on about my business. Unfortunately I have a road block coming up that is going to stress me which is this movie Mike edited. The movie’s premiere is the 28^th, the day that Maia is busy taking the GRE. I really am not looking forward to this, being around all the people and then going to more than likely a gay club or bar after. I asked Mike to make a deal with me, we could go but only for half an hour because I will feel uncomfortable and want to leave. He said sure, but honestly I feel like he will keep me there longer past that. I also have no idea what I am going to be wearing to this mess either. I just know that I look forward to the next day, going to the Chili Pepper Fiesta and seeing all of my friends and just relaxing. I wish it was after the GRE and not before since that would work out nicely with blowing off steam by drinking away what went on the day before.

Tonight I had to go for a walk with my mother. She was on the couch telling me about stuff that went on the past few days and today, with my father. It was to much to try and play the game “read what I’m mouthing so you’re father doesn’t hear me talking about him.” So the walk was a better decision.

Before I go any further I should mention something about my father. More than likely this is due to him having post traumatic stress disorder and stressors contribute to this. I know my father has had episodes of depression in the past, and when at jobs when he is around people he tends to have episodes. When I was in high school, he had one where he said this woman was following him and harassing him. There was a woman, was she harassing him? No, she probably didn’t even know he existed. When he first came to me, I was in my sophomore year of high school I believe, and he told me about it. It freaked me out which led me to tell my mother who knew that it wasn’t real. He hasn’t had any issues since, there haven’t been any factors that triggered anything with him to cause such a response. Until now… I Know that the asshole son upstairs is a fucking menace. He feels like he can do whatever he wants. He doesn’t think and is impulsive flying by the seat of his pants. Hence all the stuff that has gone on up to this point, it is all quick thinking, but not really thought out well. We already know that if my father says he hears them saying something upstairs, we take it with a grain of salt. More than likely it's just in his head and not something that is actually happening. Unfortunately that is the way it goes with him, when he is under such duress. My mother told me that my father has been really easy to anger lately. Things that he would brush off, well his version of brush off, he isn’t. He is getting loud and yells, which I have heard but I haven’t heard him have any temper tantrums. My father said he saw the son upstairs go to the house across the street and he knew one of his friend’s names. How he knows that, we don’t know, but more than likely it’s something he has made up. My father suggested how he was going to take the air conditioner in from their bedroom, but my mother knew it was for other reasons. He sat looking out the window for half an hour watching to see if the son would go to the house or not. When my mother tried to reason with him saying that more than likely he knows someone that lives there, my father became agitated and started to carry on yelling. To stop talking about it, which they did. She said she was able to calm him down in the car, but unfortunately its something that isn’t going to just go away. it won’t clear up until the family leave, and even after that it might be still to late where a psychotic episode is already taking place.

My mother told me about how when they were young, there were times my father would just go up to people and punch them in the face cause they looked at him, or my mother. She told me that one time a guy looked at my mother and my father punched him in the face and broke his jaw. She yelled at my father for what he did saying that he can’t do that. Whatever happened to that poor guy that didn’t do anything. I can’t say that I have ever experienced him do anything like that in front of me but with this situation you never know. Hearing that it made me think about how I have a short tempter, though I can’t say I felt the compulsions to punch someone in the face it makes me wonder giving me plenty to think about…