"Man in Fire" by Edward Sharp and ate Magnetic Zeros

Sometimes I feel like I an just a huge inconvenience to the head of the dept I work at. This is something new though. Every Year, starting July 1st they are given a new budget since that is when the school hear starts. If the budget for certain things isn't used, it goes to waste. The money isn't allocated to somewhere else, it just is lost and in some cases they do not get it back. Or I should say in most or all cases if it isn't used it's gone for good. So the department is given money to hire someone to work in the lab, given the lab is going to be destroyed more than likely in December. That doesn't mean that it shouldn't be used in the meantime. It should be utilized especially since so many labs are being closed due to my college's stupidity. When I was first told about the was a possibility of them getting money I asked him to find out. This went on for a month and he didn't do anything. After discussing things with Dr. Lanzone she told me that we had the money and out of luck one day when she was there we went to speak to the person in charge and found out that it's true. We told the head and he acted as if it were amazing news. To take away from the situation going on at the time, his son was missing or I should say his son was being irresponsible and didn't let his father know he was over a friends house, but I digress. When I made arrangements for him to work on my new paf he was busy on the phone so I was forced to reschedule. Dr. Lanzone has been on top of things and constantly reminding me. It's not like I am forgetting I am not getting the help I need from him. I wish she could be in charge of it for me. So I just asked him today through email about Monday and he told me I had to be there at 10. I feel like he is purposely just trying to make it more difficult for me to be there but I'll have to show him up and be there and get this done!

My therapy session I think went well. I want to say it was just a lot of me talking about things which she said helped her understand me a little better. I spoke to her about what my mother told me and she said it was helpful. She also told me I need to relax and not stress with the GRE. As she said, "people that normally aren't stressed, stress over the GRE" so for me things are worse. She said maybe I'm putting to much time into studying and I should put time into hanging out with friends. She asked about Mike and I explained he is busy working. Things are just rough and I need some time to just decompress, but I feel when I don't study I am wasting time not doing anything. I don't see it as time to relax but as time I wasted doing nothing. Maybe I need to think of it differently, this way I won't have blood gushing out of my nose and not feel overwhelmed at times where I feel as if I am being smothered.


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"36 Degrees" by Placebo

Thinking back at this week and what my mother shared with me, that my father did I am trying to not stress about it. I don’t feel comfortable posting about his stupidity online or offline, let alone I need to see how I feel Friday when I see Joanne. It wouldn’t break the rules a therapist has as to breaking confidentiality, but I am still cautious. It is something I never discussed before with a professional, just friends. The only person I have spoken to about it is Jessica, and I shared it with her this week while I wasn’t home. Forced to go to the office for whatever reason, since Olga wasn’t in, I was able to call Jessica and tell her the situation. When Jessica saw where things were going she asked me to call her cell since she felt someone may be recording the call since its at work. She was blown away like I was at my father’s poor judgment. 

I feel like talking to Joanne about my father makes it seem like I am a spoiled brat complaining about their father being unfair. Oh poor Cinderfeller crying over how they need to do work cause their father doesn’t want to boohoo. But it isn’t like that. This thing he did caused him to feel guilty and not want to do anything and after hearing about it, I now understand why he is being the way he is more so than before. In a way when I tell her I feel like she would feel I am saying something to purposely ruin her perception of him. I feel like so many things need to be said. I know that I hate feeling overwhelmed and when I do I wish I could just magically make her appear to talk, or take a pill. Pill seems more magical than her appearing.  I know I have also thought of possibly deactivating my facebook. As Joanne explained it I am at my limit for stress, so anything ontop of that will only make things worse. So people making thoughtless comments that normally would possibly irritate me slightly now seem like a tsunami crashing on my own personal island. It also makes me feel so melodramatic over nothing. Me being a cry baby over nothing. But to me this nothing is obviously a something if I am complaining about it.

"Felt" by Garbage

If I said my stress level had decreased I would be lying. I am trying to stick to the best schedule of studying, but it teeters off of the plan more often than I would like. It makes me wonder if I am better off not doing this at home, but the idea of getting ready to run out to a library that isn't exactly that close seems a little ridiculous. Or maybe I am ridiculous or not wanting to do that. Does that show I lack motivation and the push to study? I don't think so but maybe to some it does. I honestly rather study in my house. I want to be comfortable and not worry about having to leave because the place I am at is closing and now I have to travel home. On top of that I really don't want to leave my mother alone in the house with just my father. He isn't reliable.
When I talk about him in therapy, Joanne, says "who is the one that is going to change? It isn't going to be a 63 year old man." I realize I'm the one in therapy and making an effort to improve upon myself, not my father. This statement she makes does not comfort me. It does not help me either. When she recites it, I feel like its a temporary thing. A mantra to tell myself that will excuse my father's behavior. And yes it does for the time being, but it doesn't help the situation get better. Better to me is him doing more than he does, not to say he doesn't do anything. In a time where I'm studying I should not have to feel that I will have my attention pulled in a direction that takes me away from things based off of his shitty behavior. I know that when I see Joanne on Friday I will have to discuss the outburst I had today with her. I know that me blowing up was not constructive, but it got his attention to get up and do something. One of my pet peavies is mail being around. I find it to be dirty and I don't want to touch it if I am going to eat. Of course it was littered all over the couch where I wanted to sit. That on top of having to feed the cats in the yard because my father wanted to sleep infuriated me. I was trying to fix breakfast and eat. I asked him to feed the cats and the only response I got was his slipper falling off of his foot. So I went nuts. I threw the mail and yelled and carried on destroying one of my mother's mugs in the process and spilling her meds. Innocent bystanders. So I had to clean this up and he got up. He didn't wasn't upset but did the things I complained about. It makes me think of what Joanne said. I know this is not what she had in mind, but it got a response.
But I won't tell her about this until Friday. Friday... Is going to be a mess. I have to get up early to get my time sheet signed then go to therapy, but I want to visit the Great Frog. It all depends on if I can get out at the desired time and if so I can do all of this and be in Joanne's office on time. The situation with work seems to cleared up. I will be back working there and I hope to be in school at the same time. It would really be great. Especially having medical and saving money. All pluses. I just hate that the head of the dept was so lax about things. He couldn't be bothered if you ask me and made me feel that I was just an added concern he didn't want to deal with. So he just didn't deal with it. Thank God for Dr. Lanzone helping me though other wise I'd still be waiting on him which is a huge lost cause.
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"One Love To Another" by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros

So my method for studying has worked out somewhat well. I can't say it's fool proof though it motivates me to stick to it otherwise I have to deal with other distractions at night such as my non-understanding father. I don't know if he understands that I'm taking a class that costs money and it's not that I'm taking a class that's for free when ever is there a class that is free. I feel there are so many things with my father he doesn’t understand and doesn’t choose to understand either. Another example of this is when I have a low blood sugar.

Sometimes I feel when I talk to Joanne she looks at me in a way that makes me feel as if I am possibly being judged. Yes its something I was afraid of and did not want to deal with with her. I know that when I discuss things that I tent to obsess about or things that tend to be my mind, I feel as if she wonders why that bothers me and makes me feel that it’s not important. But it isn’t always like this. A good example is over this testing results I had sent to her. She told me that it wouldn’t really do much with how she is going to treat me, and that it would just give her more info on me. That’s great but I want her to use the results to help me with studying. Maybe I am expecting magic in the notes, or that she will see something that Randi didn’t since I didn’t feel she did much with it when she was originally given the results. So, the counselor at my school contacted me and left me a voice mail saying she was mailing my results to Joanne, but through the mail. She might as well have sent it through carrier pigeon since it would probably take just as long. Why not fax, email, or give it to me to give to her? It would be so much faster. I feel that mentioning that this annoyed me to Joanne will only make her ask me why it bothered me. Especially when she told me that it wasn’t going to be something that would be that important since she already knows what the reports are going to say.

I don’t want to stress over that or over little things. I know that being at home is enough stress at times especially worrying about my mother. She toes have healed, it now is just the wound on her leg and her hand. Her hand is somewhat better and the swelling is going down each day. The only problem is she is worried she won’t be able to use her hand anymore. She can’t move her fingers as it is or I should say barely can. It is something that I have been afraid of as well. She needs to really consider malpractice, I just feel that she gets overly stressed thinking about things and things to come to want to deal with it.

Surprisingly my cousin wrote me the other day and we spoke for a while. Not counting her initial email out of the blue and then her quick response. We spoke through gtalk for a while. I wanted to ask her for her number but I didn’t know how to ask. I felt the last time I asked she just ignored me asking. It was a good conversation none the less though.

I feel like I had to add more but I don’t remember what I was thinking about putting here. I think I should go study.

P.S. I had a weird random dream with Dr. Lanzone in it only to wake up and find she called me. She was wondering if I was in and I won't until the 11th. I honestly don't even want to be there then since I am taking this time to study. I feel that there isn't any point for me to be in the lab right now since there isn't any class there. I should just take this time to focus on what is important. But I feel I may be dragged in...

"Advertising On Police Cars" by Matthew Good Band

I had my session today to see Joanne. I planned on going to TheI had my session today to see Joanne. I planned on going to The Great Frog when my session was over to pick up the custom ring I had made. I have been waiting 3 weeks for it and was excited to get my hands on it. I saw it Thursday, but for some reason when it was made it was made in the wrong size and had to be resized. My session was interesting, starting of with Joanne being busy. She was in the middle of dealing with a crisis and came to me telling me that she would be with me shortly. I didn’t know how long it would take, crisis is pretty serious so it would have taken any amount of time. I paced the hall before finally settling and pulling out the GRE book and trying to do work. I knew that the moment I made my self comfortable and sat down she would come out looking for me. I had about five minutes to look things over and answer a question or two before she came. When I sat down I asked her if the counselor at my school contacted her, I knew the answer before she said anything to me. She said that I shouldn’t obsess about it and that the information wouldn't’ really change the treatment and sessions. She just would have more information about me, that’s all. She said also that if anything was really important she knows I would have remembered it. I vaguely remember what was on it, I know I don’t have ADD that's for sure.  It made me a little frustrated that she said that though. I really was hoping she’d get it and say oh I know how to help you with this and treat me. I know that for as long as I can remember I have been a nervous person, and in some situations overly depending on the situation. Tests do not make me feel calm, and standardized tests make me shit bricks. As I said to Joanne, I don’t do well on standardized tests. She told me that that is due to anxiety and I don’t doubt it. It makes so much sense. I spoke to her about some other things, like my father since my mother and I were talking about him while he was out.

My father seems to not think, but this is not something out of the ordinary. My mother told me that the woman on the second floor, her daughter, he waits to talk to her. She tends to have her daughter with her and my father gives her candy and talks to her. The other day my father went to the bakery and also picked up a cookie for the child, my mother asked who it was for and after my father said, she said that he should be careful because they may see what he is doing in a negative way. My father was confused by this and after my mother said they might view it as him being a pedophile he got upset. She said that she knows that that isn’t what he was trying to do, and he stopped. Best to avoid any problems now than later especially since her brothers are nuts. The other thing is he was being horribly verbally abusive which almost led me to push him into the tv. He was telling my mother to shut the fuck up, because he wasn’t happy with her telling him to help clean. He was being ridiculous. She has told him to clean and he didn’t want to. One of her friends from grammer school she hasn’t seen in probably forty years. I was running around doing everything and couldn’t clean the table as well since I am mopping, and running laundry.

When I left the session I went over to The Great Frog. I spoke to Jessica as I walked to the train, the shop, and back again before heading home to have dinner with my mother and her friend Nicky. He looked like Stan Lee. I wanted to snap a picture of him in the worst way and post it on facebook saying oh Stan Lee came over for dinner. When he left I asked Jessica if she wanted to go grocery shopping. She didn’t because she was drunk. I just said to her that she has a problem. Her response was “Duh.”