"Lucid Dreams" by Franz Ferdinand

Saturday: I knew that this semester would be overwhelming with work, but its good to know that I can take time and enjoy a day with Aisha and relax. Its good to vent and just get things off my mind, though I am sure anyone would agree with me on this one. So far with my psych class I feel that my group is ahead of the others. I know Karla agrees, it does appear that way. We are currently working on our survey questions trying to figure out how to phrase them.

In photography I am ahead with assignments. I submitted the second one before it was due. This also gave me time to redo one of the images that I wasn’t happy with which works out great. I asked a friend from high school that now is a photographer for some help with the staged photography that I have to do. It’s weird calling someone you haven’t spoken to in years and just pick up a conversation. Jessica agreed, and said how it would just be easier to talk through email. I explained why phone calls are better when it comes to asking questions. But I did feel the awkwardness… but that did pass. Apparently his studio isn’t that far from where I live, only a matter of minutes away. He told me to stop by and he would show me and explain some things to me in regards to the camera.

There was some drama going on in the house though, well with my family I should say. My aunt called the other day asking for a family recipe and my mother doesn’t want her to have it. not that it’s a complicated one, but she just didn’t want her to have it. I don’t blame her. Since my mother didn’t call her, she called again saying how her and my cousin wanted us over for Easter. My mother ignored that as well and warned me that I would receive a text from my aunt, which I did. She was hoping everything was alright. My mother told me to tell her that my father was in the hosp, just got home and that I am out. My aunt wrote back saying she hoped everything was alright with that and my mother eventually called her. My mother just told her she didn’t want to go up state and that it was such an inconvenience for my aunt to get us, drive us there, home, and then her go back. My mother also said that if my cousin really wanted us there he could call us, which he did this morning early. My mother was on the phone with him for a while. I woke up and took my insulin and went back to bed hearing them talk dreaming their conversation out in my head. My mother told me all about it when I was finally awake. She told me how my aunt told my cousin her version of the story, note I didn’t say side. My aunt changes things around for her benefit. So if it makes someone else look bad it really doesn’t matter. Sadly I know what its like to be at the end of her stories. My mother didn’t end up giving him the recipe which I know she wasn’t going to part with. My cousin also didn’t know my mother didn’t have any of his contact info. She lost all of it since it was on the computer that she was using for work. My cousin gave her the information and he asked my mother to call his mother, her sister, every now and again just to say hello. Apparently she has a lot of sleepless nights, thinking about everything that happened. My mother said to me, not him, that that is to bad and not her fault. She knows she put us in a fucked up situation, her losing sleep over it is the least she can do.

"Flashdance II" by Matthew Good

Wednesday: I have been busy with my power point presentation on the social interactions in World of Warcraft. I was worried all the information I would present would be like that woman from the other section that went on for 30 min about bi polar disorder and put me to sleep. I was told I snored…

My father was released on Tuesday which was odd since he was supposed to go for more tests later in the week. When I called my mother on my way home on Tuesday I was shocked to hear this. We were going to visit him and then bam! He is being discharged. When I got in we headed to pick him up. he was waiting at a bus stop and it was a mess. He came in the car and we had to shop to buy some food quickly before going home. The first thing he did was shower, but I would have done the same. It was weird having him back home but then again it was stranger without him. I did miss him even though he is a huge pain in my ass, and make unnecessary comments that really irritate me.

While we were coming home I saw my neighbor’s wife. I startled her and then told her what happened. She said nothing had come in the mail yet but they would let me know. Luckily the insurance card came today, but only the one for doctor’s visits not prescriptions so I am still screwed for now.

Today I presented my presentation and was really iffy about things. The fact the all the little animations I had in the presentation wouldn’t load due to power point running the presentation on another computer couldn’t locate the original file destination so they just “sat and looked pretty” as Jessica pointed out to me as she viewed mine. So my only option was to plug in my macbook pro and see what happened. I had to unplug the projector from the desk in the room and it worked perfectly. All I can say was perfect. Time flew by. I wasn’t expecting to e up there long and it didn’t feel long. I spoke for maybe 10 min or so but answered 40 minutes of questions! When Enchantment pointed it out to me I nearly died. I worried that I would be deducted points since the max time limit was 15 min. Anna came over and told me how awesome my presentation was and I was elated to hear that. Bessy told me I should do hers I told her I would, but I really can’t. Karla and I discussed our project and so we don’t step on any toes we are only going to use the students in class and not the students from my high school. Especially since Mr. I is taking forever to answer me. When I left I met up with Milly, went to the bank and came home.

When I checked my email I received 20/20 on my presentation and said my presentation was “absolutely fabulous” which I was beyond happy to hear. When I wrote her back and said I was afraid people would find it boring she said “That was by far the best presentation we've had and the students loved it!” I have to say that made my day.

"Generation X-Wing" by Matthew Good

Monday: I have discovered that when I’m really stressed I develop OCD tendencies. With the problem I’m having with my class and feeling like I’m behind, the research paper I am working on, and now worrying about my father I guess you could say I am having a flair up. It also didn’t help that Mike wanted me to go away and I wanted to but I can’t do my work fast enough and now I can’t leave my mother alone in the house because I know she would need someone to help her get around.

Today when I got to class Karla and Bessy were not in. Enchantment actually sent me a text prior asking where everyone was. Our lab class was combined with another class section. Unfortunately it’s going to be like that on Wednesday and of course I have a presentation that day. This student from the other section, an older woman gave her presentation with her fancy color printed hand out. I felt horrible for nodding off several times while listening to her go on about bipolar disorder and mania. She was motivated to use this topic for her presentation after her brother died of bipolar disorder. Enchantment turned to me confused and asked me “you can die from being bipolar?” and I answered with “I guess so, maybe he neglected himself and he died.” He could also killed himself, but I thought of this after. When Anna was talking about the assignment due on Monday I nearly shit my pants. My hand jetted in the air and when she called on me I couldn’t get the words out fast enough. She came over to where I was sitting to talk to Enchantment and to me. Apparently she was doing more work than she should have. Basically the assignment is I am supposed to find the 5 journal articles I will be using to write my paper and then I write about them in an introduction to my paper which would be about 5 pages. My jaw dropped because Karla did not tell me this. She made it seem like it was just summaries of 5 articles. Even though she found 3 already I still don’t know what they are, nor which I will use.

While I was printing out my journal for literature review I saw Professor Lane. I spoke to him about the summer program and he asked when I could start working. I said in July since the end of May to June I will be dealing with the surgery of my knee. Discussing who I wanted to work with I said Milly but he said she wouldn’t be doing any workshops. I said I really wanted to work with Dr. Lanzone again. He said she really likes me and asked if I wanted to work for her four days a week for eight hours and I nearly crapped my pants. Last summer I didn’t do it only because I would be getting out so late plus I had morning class. I would end up walking in the door to my house and collapsing to the floor. I told him I have time to think about it and he said he was going to email the tutors. I wouldn’t normally ask about someone else personal dealing with someone especially in a job setting but I was wondering about what he thought of Aisha. He told me he never got her resume and my jaw dropped. I told him I knew for a fact she sent it cause she was on the phone with me and he said he never got it. I called her and had to tell her she needed to send it again and she was shocked to hear that he never received it. hopefully he can place her this summer with someone, hopefully not a prof that is retarded or socially awkward.

When I got home all hell was breaking loose. All I needed was the wall to be menstruating blood and women screaming flailing their bodies to some rhythmic beat. My father had been calling my mother all day, and not making sense. He even called me while I was in class but I didn’t answer my phone. My mother said he was calling telling her what is going on with him but he wasn’t making sense. I am hoping that its just because he is sick right now and that’s why he isn’t making sense because it worries me. I really don’t know if I’d be able to take care of my mother and my father especially now. She is going to try and get a hold of the doctor tomorrow when we go or earlier in the day. She told him that when the doctor visits him to call the house and talk to her.

Anna emailed Karla and I about our research paper and really feels we should stick with college students. I am thinking I am going to do that, especially because fucking Mr. I hasn’t emailed me back yet. I really would like to talk to him on the phone about things, but apparently he thinks I want to sit and chit chat for endless hours over nonsense. If Karla feels that maybe we should stick with college students I am going to just do that. I am then going to email Mr. I and tell him that I am no longer going to conduct research at the school because he didn’t answer me when I needed it. I had a deadline and he didn’t get back to me. I know he has a life, a busy one and a busy job at the high school but he could return a phone call. Just so I could ask him a question and move forward instead of sitting stagnant in shit not knowing which way to go.

"Mammoth" by Interpol

Sunday: It was so warm out and the sun was beaming, perfect weather for taking pictures for my photography assignment. I went to the cemetery and had an actual easy time finding the “black angel”. I took a series of pictures, but was unable to see them on the lcd screen due to the sun. A wood pecker pecked away at a tree behind me as it hung upside down from a tree. The next stop was the six muses which were easier to find. I took several pictures and wished I had my tripod, though it was only a few feet waiting in the car for me to use. I extended the little metal feet to use on the ground for the angel but I didn’t. I saw a bronze statue, now oxidized and green on a marble bench and took several pictures of it as well though I don’t know if I have enough for my project. I think I do but honestly I was there for the angel, everything else was secondary. If I am really torn over what I am going to submit I could use one of the others since I am having problems picking out which pictures of the angel I will use. I need six different ones, three will not be edited and I would only use functions on the camera to manipulate them. The other three would be edited in photoshop. I’m thinking one in intense color, one in black white and grainy, and the last one I would just treat as I normally would. I would probably have an easier time with the bronze statue with intensifying the color than with the black angel.

I visited my father after and sat in the window sill. I looked outside the window that hadn’t been cleaned in at least the past five years. A boat sailed in the distance and the houses which were the homes for the military that were stationed at that ford were neatly arranged side by side. My father said that he didn’t have any fever, and he was now only with one intravenous. He still was restricted with what he was able to do though, still now showers. Parents often ask their children “if your friend jumped off a bridge would you?” and this made me think of what my father said when my mother asked him if he wanted underwear. He said no, that no one there wore any. What a horrible mental image. Old army vets sitting sickly in their rooms chained to intravenous with nothing on under those horrible hospital gowns. My father kept his leg up on the bed with half of the bed sheets covering him and yes, his goods were out. Sitting in the window was a smart move I didn’t have a view of such things, sadly my mother did. A doctor examined him but we weren’t allowed to stay in the room. When we returned we didn’t hear anything other than his temperature was 95. It started to get late and it was time to go. We left him when his dinner was arriving. I refilled his water pitcher with ice and water and left.

When we finally got home and unloading the car, Maureen the tenant upstairs, came over to the car and called for my mother. She wanted to tell her what happened while we were out. The tenant’s mother-in-law called Belize and long story short Jackie the tenant on the third floor was embarrassed not knowing why the rent wasn’t paid. She asked one of her friends to go to the bank with her ATM card and take the money out of the bank. They didn’t do it on time though and it is two days late which means they owe a late fee. My mother needs to type of a note for that to give them. After she informed my father I know he wasn’t happy with that but not much we can do about it. I know my mother would find someone else to move in but the process and all is a long one. If they had the money and didn’t have to worry I know they would ask them to leave.

"Outcome" by Beck

Saturday: Visiting my father today actually was a lot easier than it was when we first brought him to the emergency room. Security wasn’t up my ass for beeping, though I didn’t have on a big coat like I did before. We went up to where he was in intensive care and walked around the halls looking for him. We didn’t have a room number so it made things difficult with finding him. I wanted to ask a nurse but my mother said not to yet. As we walked back my father called my mother as she passed and we were about to enter his room until a nurse stopped us and said she wanted to check him or something. Standing outside his room I noticed a sign on the door warning people that they need to wear protective gowns and I believe face masks and gloves before entering. Not that we would catch anything from my father, but he might catch something from us. I read the rest of the sign which said to wash your hands before touching him and I coughed in my hand. I coughed several times and wondered if the nurse would stop me before I entered his room. After the nurse left, and told us we could enter, we did that and didn’t have to put any protective anything on. He sat in the bed still not looking like himself. Tubes and wires ran up and down his arms, one arm was intravenous the other arm was monitoring his blood pressure. He is wearing a catheter as well which I am sure isn’t pleasant at all. For some strange reason, we also didn’t notice until later on that he had some monitor on his right ear which had a glowing red led light. He said he hadn’t really eaten anything, just some jelly on some bread and I asked him if he wanted the fruit cup from his lunch tray. He ate it and I continued to ask him what he wanted in between my mother telling him about the things he is missing in the house, such as the drama with the tenants. I brought him an apple juice, and a dry looking turkey sandwich which he barely ate. My mother asked him if he was going to be moved to a room and he wasn’t sure. He isn’t allowed to have a phone due to the whole germ thing. I guess they can’t just clean the phone washing away the prior users germs so instead they just deny you one. Luckily he had his cell. We brought his charger so he could at least have some way of contacting us if he needed something or if he was getting a room instead of relying on yelling for a nurse’s attention. We stayed about an hour before we left.

He called me while we were on the road to let us know he was finally moved to a room. Tomorrow we will find him and hopefully he is feeling better. I don’t think he will be coming home anytime soon though especially if he continues to have a fever. I have to see how the rest of this week pans out with him and returning home. When he had an infection years ago he was in the hospital or 3 weeks. I don’t think he will be there as long, though it would be good to know what caused it and how long it was going on without us knowing.

While I was sitting on the couch with my mother, I brought up how he is shaky and not as lucid as he normally is. I said I hope its just because of the fever and the infection and will go away. Him being in the house and not being lucid makes me think of my grandmother. This I think would be more difficult since I would see him everyday. We’ll see how he is tomorrow and the rest of this week.

"Wake Up" by Arcade Fire

Friday: I have to admit the past 2 weeks have been really rough. I’m still trying to get over being sick and make sure I get all the work done that I missed. The test that I took in experimental seriously kicked my ass. I feel like saying I didn’t study because I was sick is me making excuses, but it is the truth. I can’t study when I’m taking medication to help me feel better and all I do after taking it is sleep. I asked Anna if there was some sort of way to make up credit and she said there will be extra credit and we all have bad days. I hope that there is something that works out soon with that, I really can’t afford to do poorly in this class. Its rather a big deal…

Tuesday my father was feeling ill, and had a 105 fever. My mother and him thought the cause of his fever was what I was getting over. His fever broke shortly after, but that is when the strange behavior started. He began to act oddly and speak oddly, reminding me of when he was sick years ago when he had the kidney infection, or even my grandmother and her dementia. It wasn’t overly noticeable in all honesty, just something weird and random. It wasn’t until Thursday where things got really weird. When I woke up to get ready, to meet Aisha in the city, I noticed he wasn’t home. I sat on the couch and ate, and my mother asked where he was and I wasn’t sure. She got worried and called him only to find out he was in some random diner drinking hot tea with lemon. My mother just told him to come home as soon as possible due to the fever possibly spiking up again. He said he would, and I rushed to get ready since I was running an hour behind. Poor Aisha waiting in the city calling me, I was surprised she didn’t kill me when I finally got there. As soon as I went up the escalator to meet her my mother called me all upset. She wished I hadn’t left and was still home since my father was acting strangely and she wanted me there to help her take him to the emergency room. I didn’t know how to explain things to Aisha but I knew she’d understand. I told her what went on as we walked to Sephora and shopped quickly. I ended up also bumping into the manager at Sephora that told me to complain about the other manager that always gives me shit when I go in the store. She thanked me for putting in the complaint and that things were taken care of. Aisha and I then ran around as I tried to figure out if I wanted to eat first or get a drink and leave. I just got a drink, left, and got home to find out what was going on in the house. My father was stumbling around, barely able to keep his balance and all over the place. My mother kept yelling at him as if he were a 2 year old to try and keep him on the couch. Finally we were ready and it was time to try to get him to the car…

This event was epic. As we got ready to leave he was busy looking for music to listen to in the car. My mother yelled for him to forget that and we had to go. He stumbled to the car as I tried to guide him and he ended up sitting in the front only to get yelled at to sit in the back. We drove him to the hospital as fast as we could and then the journey began as to getting him into the actual Emergency room. We couldn’t find it basically. Two EMTs were outside by the ambulances playing catch, we asked them where the ER was and they directed us to the entrance they go to. I walked there with my father, well more like tried to. He was stumbling all over. The EMTs did nothing but watch, they didn’t offer help or anything meanwhile it was obvious something was wrong since my father could barely walk. I walked into the entrance and the secuirity guard was saying we had the wrong entrance. I explained that the EMTs told us to come in that way and he asked for id and told us to go to the door. When we did he said that we had to wait for the EMTs to let us in and I explained they weren’t with us and that my father needed to go to the ER right away. My father continued to pull on the door which made a nurse come and ask us what was going on. I had these 2 morons breathing down my back and my father all fucked up. I didn’t know what to do. My mother came in shortly after and we explained that the EMTs told us to go in this way, they were not with us and were busy playing catch outside, my father was seriously sick and delirious and needed medical attention. They told us to leave and go in the regular ER entrance and my mother and I both pointed out my father can’t walk. It was until then that a doctor inside or who ever he was, someone that should be given a medal of kindness, came outside and asked what was wrong. He saw my father was a patient of the hospital and took him in. My mother and I had to walk around to the waiting area.

Walking through the metal detector was a fucking bitch! I took all the contents of my pocket out and placed them inside of the plastic tray. I walked through only to beep. When my pocket was wanded it kept going off. Pocket change, earmuffs, glucose tablets were inside yet after that was all taken out it still went off. The wrapper of a fruit rollup was setting it off every time. Before this revelation, I wanted to take my coat off and throw it to the ground telling them to deal with it and go see my father. I walked off though extremely frustrated and pissed at the situation. I refused to come back in the hospital because of it but I know I’ll have to. We waited in the waiting room to hear something in regards about him. Thirty minutes later a doctor came out and asked us what happened. When we informed her she said she knew something was wrong because my father seemed out of it. When we spoke to him he didn’t really want to be there and was upset that he was. No one likes to be in the hospital but something was seriously wrong with him. When we explained to another doctor what was going on, my mother told him that it could be an infection with his kidneys and that all he needed was an iv and antibiotics. When we left we headed home with plans of visiting him later on in the night, but that didn’t happen.

This morning when the doctor called and got my mother on the phone he asked her “do you want my job” confusing my mother. My father had a drastic change in his mental state after given an iv with antibiotics. When my mother spoke to him he seemed better. He also pointed out to not come by today and see him which was weird. We’re planning on going tomorrow though. I know he’ll enjoy hearing the story about how the tenants on the third floor didn’t pay the rent, its over due, and how they left to go to Belize for Jacky to meet her dying mother and leave it up to some friend to bring us the money. Which didn’t happen and it’s late. What a day tomorrow will be…