Friday: This week emotionally has been exhausting. So much going on in such little time. I was waiting for Jessica to come home to talk to her about things. There are some things that I just feel that with her I can talk about better since we are currently dealing with something. I know I can go to any of my friends to talk, but she just understands more. I believe it was Tuesday night into the morning where I wrote her an email saying how much I missed her, it probably would be the first thing she would see when she got off of the plane. She saw the email and told me to put my vagina away, I hope she appreciated the email though. Wednesday I couldn’t help but be overly emotional and I didn’t know why. When I sat down to think about things, I realized it’s the second anniversary of Michelle’s death. When Jessica landed and was settled I asked if I could come over for an hour, I felt that I needed to be around someone. I went over and she had stuff from Italy which was exciting. I also got to tell her about the drama that had gone on in our high school which I know she was dying to hear about. She brought me back a leather bound journal, rosary beads blessed by the pope, and a seal with my initials on it and sealing wax. I was surprised with the seal since that is something I would use and have wanted. I left shortly after since I had class on Thursday and needed to get home to sleep.
Thursday I met with my film prof to talk about the film festival I’m working on with him. He told me what’s going on with the short vids that were selected and I need to write a 2-3 sentence blurb on the video I am watching. I discussed the lab with him since Dr. Lanzone told me how he was trying to get the lab for the video production class and the music class. He asked how I found out and I told him through Dr. Lanzone. He said that there are people in the lab now that are not professional and that they treat the lab as if its their home. I didn’t know what he was talking about at first and I felt that if I asked him to clarify. But he did that as we continued to speak. I told him how in the lab n one knows how to use the mac os and he said that is unacceptable. I am the only one there that knows mac os so when students come in everyone else refers them to me. Its great for me but not when I’m not there. The students think I am there at their beck and call. When I’m not there they make a big deal and make it seem like I am just irresponsible. I don’t think they realize that I am a student there just like they are. I told Davies, the film prof that and he said that he would want me to work in the lab when it was set up. I would have to be trained in the software and I told him I already know photoshop. He said he taught his film production course on Fridays and I asked who was in the lab. The look on his face explained it all and I said “Rico” and he nodded and I said he didn’t have to tell me anything else I already know what goes on there. He pretty much uses the office as his own which is interesting since Dr. Lanzone kicked people out of the office after that whole Shelain thing involving my time sheet. I wish I could talk to someone there as a friend to see what they would say just about everything, but I can’t. I can’t talk to Milly even if she is my friend since she works there and knows the people there longer than she knows me. So I feel her loyalty is with them not me. We ended our conversation with him saying he would talk to Dr. Lanzone about things involving me in the lab. He surprised me with saying that he would want it to be me since doesn’t think anyone else there should do it, and said how Mobruka is annoying. That I didn’t expect since they seem to be friendly and always talk, but I guess he sees through her friendly demeanor and sees “annoying” when she is there.
As the day went on, I wanted to talk to Snajdr but he was busy in his office. A line was building from the gym that stretched down to the lab. I saw the other student in the anthropology office that said she applied to the internship program. Her and I were the ones that ran there together, she told me she didn’t get it either. I tried to go to him again and just got frustrated because of the job fair line. The students stood there like zombies and the fact I wanted to pass them to go to the lab they seemed so annoyed and irritated. It was close to closing time and Rico turns into a dictator when the lab closes and wanted me out of the office. He says how Dr. Lanzone wants everyone out of there and all this shit and its like you know what its not my fault its your’s and Shelain’s so you can thank yourself for being stupid and having this privilege taken away. But I don’t want to start more shit, I also don’t want to let them know I know what happened, and I can’t go to Dr. Lanzone to say anything because I shouldn’t be there in the office to begin with. He was more annoyed that this student that comes in there leaves his shit and steps out since he never worked there. So he doesn’t have a right to have his belongings there, unlike us. So of course I had to tell him and be the bad guy when he returned and say hey look I’m sorry you can’t have your stuff here anymore. So anyway I went to the diner to have dinner since it was getting late. I watched Six Feet Under and then headed back to the classroom to continue but we were having to go watch a play on Muslim American Women instead. There I saw Prof. Strobl who I feel like I had inadvertently avoided but it’s not by choice. She asked how I was, and I told her briefly what was going on. I will stop by her office this week and talk to her about things to update her since she did help me before when I was dealing with the whole having to do another degree. Before the play started, I was talking to Glenny about Michelle telling her that I had that on my mind and it was rough. She stopped me to say how this sounded all familiar and asked me if Michelle went to our college and if her killer did. I said yes and she told me how in her Spanish class they were discussing it. That is one of my biggest fears at my college, hearing about Michelle as just a person that was killed that went there. If a situation like that came up I would tell the professor and class that if they are going to continue talking about this I am going to leave because she was a close friend and I don’t want to think of her that way. When we got out of class my friend Fidel was there for the job fair, I haven’t seen him in a few years and we hung out for a bit. I don’t know if its something that happens to people when they have children at a young age, but it seems almost like they never grow up. They always retain this child like way about them and its not cool. It makes me think and wonder and not really want to talk to them much. With this said, it makes me wonder what Vanessa’s problem is.
On a side note, I am wanting to make a session with a counselor at school. Sadly, the one I normally see is out on maternity. Instead of talking to a complete stranger I asked Anna if I could talk to her. She is in on the alternating days I am there which sucks so I have to give up Monday to go in. I am going to use the day to make up the hours in the lab since spring break cut my days short. The thing I hate is that how sleep can really take the edge off of things. I still am in need of someone to talk to, Suzanne helped me somewhat but I still would like someone objective and separated from my friends for their opinion
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
"Out From Under" by Incubus
Wednesday: Well, the past few days have been shit. Okay this isn’t all true, they did start off quite nicely. I finally went to go get those sleeveless hoodies that I wanted from Nasty Pig with Mike on Tuesday. It was when we went to Okeanos for dinner that things started to suck. I checked the new email I made for professional use and noticed that I received an email in regards to the internship I applied to. I was waiting for this and had been checking every day to find out what exactly was going on. Sadly I didn’t get the internship and wondered what to do next really. I was also wondering why I didn’t get it, if there was a reason and also did the other girl in the research group that applied get it. I wanted to email my professor but I didn’t. Mainly due to not knowing what to say to him, though it’s easy to say “yeah I didn’t get it” its still difficult. Also my internet has been severely fucked due to the rain. I’m on and offline every minute which makes it difficult to do anything on the computer other than just not be on it. I started to play Diablo 2 again just because I was so bored. I spoke about things with Aisha and Jessica. Both thought it would be a good idea to find out if the girl in my group got the internship or not and if so find out why she got it and not I. Of course this is all easier said than done and things change. I got an email today from my professor that pretty much informed me that Sharleen did get the internship and he inquired on why she got it over me. He said he was told that it was due to when we are graduating and since she has a longer time at the college she got it, but they were impressed with my application. The one thing I didn’t like that he said in the email was that she deserved it, and that I did too. It made me feel like he was commenting on how she deserved it and then realized that I applied and said oh yeah well you did too… Regardless, the news put me in a sour mood. I wished Jessica wasn’t going off to Italy so I could talk to her about things further than just a few text messages. From our conversation through texts, the only thing that stands out the most is that I said that I learned I don’t handle rejection well and she responded with “who does.” Saying this makes me feel like I am not being an adult and am being immature, but I feel like taking a step back from the project. Not that I mainly was doing this work for the internship, I wasn’t even going to bother if Snajdr and Brett didn’t really motivate me like they did. I still want to talk about things with Aisha though and see what she has to say and see what she thinks about how I feel. I pointed out to my mother earlier that this means now I could have the surgery on my knee in June since I won’t be working in the internship. I’ll have to wait until next week when I go back to school to talk to Selma about all of this. I know she doesn’t like Sharleen much, wonder how she feels about her getting the internship…
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
"Everybody Wants The Same Thing" by Scissor Sisters
Tuesday: Last week thursday a student from my crisis class approached me after class. As I walked down the train station steps is when he asked me what my major was and when he found out we had the same major he asked me if I would help him. Apparently he was an engineering student and transferred over and wanted to work on forensic psychology. he wasn't serious about things and put just did things half assed. In doing so it led to him dropping courses several times and getting unofficial withdrawals. He told me his gpa was horrible, and i know what that is like to have a gpa that isn't that great. He was hesitant to tell me but told me it was a 1.4 which makes me wonder what he was doing at school. I agreed to help and told him to come to the lab on tuesday and that we would discuss things. He thanked me and we went our separate ways. I spoke to Glenny from class through email telling her what happened and she told me to just be careful since she had Gizelle kinda approach her the same way but not ask her for help, just the subway thing was similar.
I got up so early on friday so i could make an attempt to get tickets to see a Perfect Circle. I managed too and spent probably way to much on the tickets but I got them none the less. Chrissy and I would talk about how we wanted to see Maynard in concert so badly but it just never happened. The only down side is the tickets I got are not near each other. I don't know what was going on with the tickets really but I couldn't get tickets near each other. Buying 2 together was not happening but 1 and then another 1 separately worked but not together. What upset me more was the fact that a ticket in 34 H was offered and then 20 minutes later 35 H was offered. I asked Chrissy if she would like to go, since they would mean more to her than to Mike but she couldn't make it due to just a lot of drama going on right now with family and friends and apparently now she has a boyfriend. It has been so long since I have seen her last that anything really is possible.
Today was honestly a mess. I knew that when I got home i wouldn't be in the mood to work on the damn paper for class since I'd be tired. So my only bet is to work my ass off on wednesday to get this shit done. I wanted to work on it while I was at the office but that did NOT happen. When I got to the office I told my coworkers that a student was coming to see me with help with his schedule. I had to tell them since last time a student was coming to see me from Dr. Lanzone's class, Rico told them misinformation and they left thinking that I wasn't there and went home meanwhile I was busy running around finishing the paper work for my internship. So I ate lunch in Mayra's office and waited for Rocky, the student. Mayra told me that Dr. Lanzone needed to talk to her about something in private and so I would have to step out, which is fine. When she came in she pointed out she needed the room and privacy. She did not look happy and looked really stressed out. I ate next to Tiffany and asked her how class was going. Dr. Lanzone came out of Mayra's office and asked me if I ever discussed my salary with Shelain. I was so confused as to what that was about but replied with "uh no." It was never a topic of our discussion. With that the two of them went back into the office to talk and then they disburse. I didn't know what was up but I saw Selma coming down the hall. We spoke for a bit about research and she went to go work on the computers. Mayra called me in her office and informed me that what happened was that monday, Shelain went into Mayra's office for something and saw my time sheet. In doing so she saw how much I made which pissed her off. She called Dr. Lanzone and questioned it which infuriated Her and caused her to tell Mayra that no one is allowed in her office and that we have to keep our coats and bags outside of her office. This fucks things up for me so much. I hang out in there when everyone leaves and Rico is going to be a dick and make sure that I am not there when Mayra leaves. He will be really strict and enforce this shit. So I needed someone to talk to and tried to get Jessica and ran to the bathroom since I had to go. I spoke to her and told her what happened and how it was fucked up. She said that it isn't my fault and that I shouldn't worry. I felt that things were really tense in the office though. I was the 800lb gorilla in the room and no one wanted me there. Rico and Shelain walked back and forth and discussed things since Shelain stepped out when most of this drama was going on. Rico told me to take my stuff out of the office and I just left it on the chair Tiffany was sitting on earlier. I couldn't wait for the research meeting to get the hell out of the office. I even felt awkwardness from Milly which made me want to jump out the window. I couldn't discuss it with her since she is friends with Shelain and she knows her longer than she knows me.
After the research meeting Selma and I ate in the diner and I filled her in as to what exactly was going on. Shelain was pissed that i make more than her since she is a teaching assistant and has been there longer than I have. I work 2 days out of the week, she works 1. The reason why my amount was increased wasn't due to me offering something more beneficial to students than her. It basically had to do with me having to earn a certain amount of money during the week over so many hours and if I was earning 12 an hour it wouldn't work out that way so they increased it a little. I don't know why she is so upset anyway she is a full-time nurse in a hospital and this is the only source of income I have. It's not like i'm sitting on a fortune and just taking advantage. I guess it seems that way though. When i went back to the lab and sat and waited for my class to start I just made believe I did not know anything. Jessica suggested it, to play stupid. So that is what I did. I will also continue to do that and hope that things just blow over and we move on. I wish I could talk to Milly about things but it will on my make things worse. I can't talk to anyone in the office about it. I mentioned it to Tiffany but that is due to her not really being employed there, she is a work study which is different. The only person I could talk to is Mobruka, but if I talk to her about it it will only start shit. She will not be happy hearing I make more than her especially since she has a masters and I don't. So I will just keep it to myself.
On a side note, is it weird that I am getting another tattoo when I got one not long ago? Well I made the appointment at Hand of Glory with another artist there to get this skull I really like that she designed on me. The thing is, I am not sure where to put it. It's between my calf and my shoulder, both on my left side. With my shoulder I feel like no one will see it unless I am wearing a tank top or I'm shirtless, as for my calf when I have shorts which is fine. Just sucks that I have a red scratch mark from where Teddy scratched me that day he had a nightmare and flipped and got me. Mia, the artist said not to worry about it as long as it is healed. I don't know, it just concerns me that its red. I am putting cocoa butter on it hoping it goes away, I might grab mederma and see how that works though I am getting this done in a little over a week. Hopefully by then I reached a definitely decision as to where I want this thing.
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I got up so early on friday so i could make an attempt to get tickets to see a Perfect Circle. I managed too and spent probably way to much on the tickets but I got them none the less. Chrissy and I would talk about how we wanted to see Maynard in concert so badly but it just never happened. The only down side is the tickets I got are not near each other. I don't know what was going on with the tickets really but I couldn't get tickets near each other. Buying 2 together was not happening but 1 and then another 1 separately worked but not together. What upset me more was the fact that a ticket in 34 H was offered and then 20 minutes later 35 H was offered. I asked Chrissy if she would like to go, since they would mean more to her than to Mike but she couldn't make it due to just a lot of drama going on right now with family and friends and apparently now she has a boyfriend. It has been so long since I have seen her last that anything really is possible.
Today was honestly a mess. I knew that when I got home i wouldn't be in the mood to work on the damn paper for class since I'd be tired. So my only bet is to work my ass off on wednesday to get this shit done. I wanted to work on it while I was at the office but that did NOT happen. When I got to the office I told my coworkers that a student was coming to see me with help with his schedule. I had to tell them since last time a student was coming to see me from Dr. Lanzone's class, Rico told them misinformation and they left thinking that I wasn't there and went home meanwhile I was busy running around finishing the paper work for my internship. So I ate lunch in Mayra's office and waited for Rocky, the student. Mayra told me that Dr. Lanzone needed to talk to her about something in private and so I would have to step out, which is fine. When she came in she pointed out she needed the room and privacy. She did not look happy and looked really stressed out. I ate next to Tiffany and asked her how class was going. Dr. Lanzone came out of Mayra's office and asked me if I ever discussed my salary with Shelain. I was so confused as to what that was about but replied with "uh no." It was never a topic of our discussion. With that the two of them went back into the office to talk and then they disburse. I didn't know what was up but I saw Selma coming down the hall. We spoke for a bit about research and she went to go work on the computers. Mayra called me in her office and informed me that what happened was that monday, Shelain went into Mayra's office for something and saw my time sheet. In doing so she saw how much I made which pissed her off. She called Dr. Lanzone and questioned it which infuriated Her and caused her to tell Mayra that no one is allowed in her office and that we have to keep our coats and bags outside of her office. This fucks things up for me so much. I hang out in there when everyone leaves and Rico is going to be a dick and make sure that I am not there when Mayra leaves. He will be really strict and enforce this shit. So I needed someone to talk to and tried to get Jessica and ran to the bathroom since I had to go. I spoke to her and told her what happened and how it was fucked up. She said that it isn't my fault and that I shouldn't worry. I felt that things were really tense in the office though. I was the 800lb gorilla in the room and no one wanted me there. Rico and Shelain walked back and forth and discussed things since Shelain stepped out when most of this drama was going on. Rico told me to take my stuff out of the office and I just left it on the chair Tiffany was sitting on earlier. I couldn't wait for the research meeting to get the hell out of the office. I even felt awkwardness from Milly which made me want to jump out the window. I couldn't discuss it with her since she is friends with Shelain and she knows her longer than she knows me.
After the research meeting Selma and I ate in the diner and I filled her in as to what exactly was going on. Shelain was pissed that i make more than her since she is a teaching assistant and has been there longer than I have. I work 2 days out of the week, she works 1. The reason why my amount was increased wasn't due to me offering something more beneficial to students than her. It basically had to do with me having to earn a certain amount of money during the week over so many hours and if I was earning 12 an hour it wouldn't work out that way so they increased it a little. I don't know why she is so upset anyway she is a full-time nurse in a hospital and this is the only source of income I have. It's not like i'm sitting on a fortune and just taking advantage. I guess it seems that way though. When i went back to the lab and sat and waited for my class to start I just made believe I did not know anything. Jessica suggested it, to play stupid. So that is what I did. I will also continue to do that and hope that things just blow over and we move on. I wish I could talk to Milly about things but it will on my make things worse. I can't talk to anyone in the office about it. I mentioned it to Tiffany but that is due to her not really being employed there, she is a work study which is different. The only person I could talk to is Mobruka, but if I talk to her about it it will only start shit. She will not be happy hearing I make more than her especially since she has a masters and I don't. So I will just keep it to myself.
On a side note, is it weird that I am getting another tattoo when I got one not long ago? Well I made the appointment at Hand of Glory with another artist there to get this skull I really like that she designed on me. The thing is, I am not sure where to put it. It's between my calf and my shoulder, both on my left side. With my shoulder I feel like no one will see it unless I am wearing a tank top or I'm shirtless, as for my calf when I have shorts which is fine. Just sucks that I have a red scratch mark from where Teddy scratched me that day he had a nightmare and flipped and got me. Mia, the artist said not to worry about it as long as it is healed. I don't know, it just concerns me that its red. I am putting cocoa butter on it hoping it goes away, I might grab mederma and see how that works though I am getting this done in a little over a week. Hopefully by then I reached a definitely decision as to where I want this thing.
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"It's Working" by Mgmt
Saturday: I really hate giving Teddy his meds, but I do want him to get better. I am assuming they are working for him since he seems to be better. I just hate that he has tantrums when I try to give him the antibiotic. He screams as if i am torturing him. I feel I am doing more harm than good, I dint need him being mire stressed out.
School is going by pretty quickly. I think Mobruka mentioned that there are only 8 classes left for her. Which means that there are only 8 classes left for me as well. I didn't think about counting how many are left honestly since i am just letting the semester ride out. I am not really in a rush for it to end since there is a lot to be done.
For the research I am working on with Brett, there is a summer internship going on and they offer internships every now and again. The way the school does it though is very sneakily. They only give the students 2 weeks to get the information together and then present it. In actuality, by the time the professors get to telling the students they only really have a week. I didn't really have any intentions of working on it, not until Professor Snajdr mentioned that he would discourage me to do it since he wanted his students to get it. I think that he knew in doing so it would motivate me to want to participate in it, which it did. I told Brett and got everything together in the course of a few days. I needed to update my resume, write a biographical letter, a proposal, and then Brett had to write a letter of recommendation and i had to present an unofficial transcript. Sounds easy, but it really wasn't. The whole process was fun honestly but it was extremely stressful. My mother told me that I should ask her friend Nick for help, and he said he would when she asked him. Honestly I think the whole thing was over his head since he really didn't help much. He helped me in updating my resume, to show that I have had leadership roles since that was important to show that I had for this internship. When it came to the proposal he kept telling me to rewrite it though I explained to him several times that they are not aware of the research project and that me coping information from the professors proposal would only help me. After several yawns he said he had to go, and he would be busy the following day but I could email him a sample of what I rewrote... I didn't.
I emailed Brett instead and he directed me as to what he wanted and it actually helped better. The final touches were added the last hour before it was due, which Snajdr helped me with. A student in his office which was participating in the same internship project didn't know where to submit the work so i offered to go with her and we ran there together. Of course it wasn't in an area that was easy to find, but we got there and submitted the work. I could finally take a breath and relax. It wasn't until 5pm when I decided that it was time for dinner, which was really me just eating my lunch. I had downloaded Black Swan and was planning on watching it as I ate. I went into my bag to have my sandwich and discovered that the letter of recommendation actually hadn't made its way into my envelope of papers being submitted so I ran to submit it and thank God they let me put it in. Like I said previously, it was fun, but horribly stressful.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
School is going by pretty quickly. I think Mobruka mentioned that there are only 8 classes left for her. Which means that there are only 8 classes left for me as well. I didn't think about counting how many are left honestly since i am just letting the semester ride out. I am not really in a rush for it to end since there is a lot to be done.
For the research I am working on with Brett, there is a summer internship going on and they offer internships every now and again. The way the school does it though is very sneakily. They only give the students 2 weeks to get the information together and then present it. In actuality, by the time the professors get to telling the students they only really have a week. I didn't really have any intentions of working on it, not until Professor Snajdr mentioned that he would discourage me to do it since he wanted his students to get it. I think that he knew in doing so it would motivate me to want to participate in it, which it did. I told Brett and got everything together in the course of a few days. I needed to update my resume, write a biographical letter, a proposal, and then Brett had to write a letter of recommendation and i had to present an unofficial transcript. Sounds easy, but it really wasn't. The whole process was fun honestly but it was extremely stressful. My mother told me that I should ask her friend Nick for help, and he said he would when she asked him. Honestly I think the whole thing was over his head since he really didn't help much. He helped me in updating my resume, to show that I have had leadership roles since that was important to show that I had for this internship. When it came to the proposal he kept telling me to rewrite it though I explained to him several times that they are not aware of the research project and that me coping information from the professors proposal would only help me. After several yawns he said he had to go, and he would be busy the following day but I could email him a sample of what I rewrote... I didn't.
I emailed Brett instead and he directed me as to what he wanted and it actually helped better. The final touches were added the last hour before it was due, which Snajdr helped me with. A student in his office which was participating in the same internship project didn't know where to submit the work so i offered to go with her and we ran there together. Of course it wasn't in an area that was easy to find, but we got there and submitted the work. I could finally take a breath and relax. It wasn't until 5pm when I decided that it was time for dinner, which was really me just eating my lunch. I had downloaded Black Swan and was planning on watching it as I ate. I went into my bag to have my sandwich and discovered that the letter of recommendation actually hadn't made its way into my envelope of papers being submitted so I ran to submit it and thank God they let me put it in. Like I said previously, it was fun, but horribly stressful.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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