"All At Once" by Pete Yorn

Saturday: I haven’t updated for a while due to me not feeling so great. Last week Sunday I started to feel my throat bothering me, which led me to stay home on Monday. I thought that I was just having another throat infection or something and that I needed a day to rest, apparently I was wrong. Monday night I felt horrible which led me to stay home on Tuesday. Tuesday night I felt even worse. I tested my temperature and found out that I had 102 fever and emailed my professors telling them what is going on and that I would be out. Anna, the lab assistant, wrote me back and told me to bring a note. This pushed me to see my doctor on Wednesday which was a great decision since we were getting hit with a snow storm on Thursday. My doctors visit revealed that I have Bronchitis and he put me on some serious antibiotics and cough medicine with codeine. I didn’t realize that this combination of meds was going to have me so drowsy all the time. I wanted to study for the upcoming test I had in psych but I couldn’t. I was to busy sleeping and being drowsy. To make things worse my cough would keep me up all night.

My goal was to get better by Friday, well not significantly better but better so I can go out to the first concert of the 3 I have coming up. It was for the Wild Beasts. I wanted to see them again so badly and hopefully get a picture with them. I also have a new camera that records in high definition. I was so excited to see them and record them and possibly meet them. It would have made my horrible week better for sure. Sadly I had fever Friday night plus the mountains of snow that accumulated over Thursday into Friday didn’t help with me getting there. I was hoping that the concert would be canceled, I could get my money back, and that I would be able to go another time. Sadly that didn’t happen. I thought Mike was pissed at me, but he just fell asleep which is what I did since I wasn’t going. Mike told me though that they are going to be playing again in Brooklyn on Sunday, but would I be well enough to go? The snow causes problems of its own though, its horrible to find parking and to climb over. I am just really torn. I am upset that I haven’t done any work since I was home, especially study. I need to finish my photography project as well. If I go tomorrow Mike would get the tickets and then we would have to figure out how we were getting to the place. It just upsets me so much. I really wanted to go to see them, I feel like I should just wait until next time. I just don’t know what to do.

"Social Development Dance" by Pete Yorn

Sorting things out with this upcoming research project for experimental seems to be coming along. Well coming along for the fact that I will have a set group of people to interview, as to what I am going to be writing it on and conducting interviews on I have no idea. Karla said that maybe we can do something on income and grades and the relation between the two. When I wrote Mr.I he said that I would have to do what I expected, which was call Mr. Brancato and tell him what I plan on doing and from there have permission slips. Mr.I offered his honors class for me to interview so at least I have a group. Just not sure how long it will take to complete the interviews.

Last night, again, I was talking to Jessica about Isadora and about things. I just feel that now, whether what happens with her is true or not, that its all excuses. I think she might know that I am a little upset and back off. I know she deals with a lot with her family, but I really wonder with her sometimes. I can’t always complain to her about her, cause then she gets fucked up. No one likes to hear reasons as to why they are fucked up. I know that won’t make someone feel great about themselves, makes you wonder what you think of them. I feel like after I tell her she gets better, but it’s a temporary fix.

My father does a really good job of making me hate him. Being around him is like being with that kid in school that always has to have what you have, and do what you do. He has whatever aches and pains in his body and takes advil or whatever anti inflammatory to help with that. I don’t want to take advil all day or any of those other chemicals. I was recommended to take zyflamend, a natural one and it works amazingly for my knee. My mother suggested to him to try one, just one and he was taking 4 a day. I only take 2, one twice a day and it helps. He got the runs from taking such a large dose. When I heard him mention that he was taking it I got upset because they aren’t cheap and I want to enjoy the bottle I have for as long as I can so I don’t need to run and have surgery on my knee. When I commented on him taking it he went off into how my mother has a big mouth about things, which isn’t something new. He knows he is doing something wrong and then gets defensive. I also hate that he dumps things on me, that I have to do all this work. He sleeps all day still and expects me to do everything in the house. Whenever I am on the computer, he says I am busy “saving the world” referring to me playing Warcraft. I don’t do that all day, I do it at night when I have free time. I write papers and send emails out that are important and he has to act like a dick whenever I have to do something on the computer. It infuriates me, and the only thing I know that will upset him as much as it upsets me is to act like a 5 year old and say “you’re mother.” But to get back at me for saying it cause it bothers him is he has to bring my mother in it which pisses her off. He told me he’d stop bringing her into it if I stopped saying things. Sadly its going to be a cycle that just keeps going around and around due to how he is.

Last night I had a dream that really freaked me out. I had a dream Mike and I were getting married. My family wasn’t there, but all of his was. It was really intense followed by some running around. Not like Benny Hill running around, but running around from things. Really was something intense that made me uneasy when I woke up.

"Passive Aggressive" by Placebo

Wednesday: I can’t believe that classes just started and I am already making plans for final papers and up coming projects. I guess this is a little taste of how it is in grad school, though I am not there yet. In class groups can’t be larger than 3 students. Anna, the lab instructor, told Karla and I that we need to figure out what to do without group since we have 4 people in our group, so we just split it. I don’t know if Bessy would pull her weight, sadly we lost Enchantment with doing that. Karla and I discussed the project and we really aren’t sure what we are going to do. I offered going to my high school to conduct interviews, and she liked the idea, but we don’t know what we are doing our project on. We overheard some of the students in the class discussing what they wanted to do their projects on, and quite a few want to work on deviance. I really don’t want to do, but I don’t want to do something that 30 other students in the class are doing let alone the ones in my lab class.

In photography we finally received our syllabus and what he is wanting in the class does and doesn’t seem like a lot. There are four major projects and some seem more fun than others, obviously. There are two museum trips and then just the readings in class. The class only meets once a week so hopefully the readings don’t interfere with the ones I have with experimental. I am already planning what I want to do with the assignments in the class, and since I am allowed to treat them with photoshop I am not to worried about that really.

I still haven’t heard back from Isadora. Jessica and I discussed it since we were snowed in yesterday. She asked me why I haven’t discussed things yet with Isadora yet and I told her that it’s due to me not wanting to have unnecessary attitude with her. I just find some things really suspicious with her and her screen name. She was only visible on one of my screen names and after I asked her about it she said she didn’t know and that she only saw one of my names on and then shortly after now I don’t see any of hers on. As I explained to Jessica I really feel that she is socially retarded. After living closed off from really having a big social life, and then going to college and having an explosion of friends, she doesn’t know how to treat them. She also accuses everyone of being passive aggressive if they have any sort of anger or agitation against her. When I was discussing with Jess, Isadora’s weird stare off my mother said that that might be the reason why she wasn‘t hired by the company she was working for. Her boss might have needed her for something and caught her on occasion staring off into space and didn’t want her working there. This is a possibility but of course I can’t bring this up to her, not now anyway. If I were to discuss it with her, now after the problems we currently are having, she would say I am being passive aggressive.

"Pigs (Three Different Ones)" by Pink Floyd

Thursday: The days seem really long with these 3 hour classes, especially when the professors don’t give breaks in between. Even small breaks I’d be happy with. I’m not looking for anything epic to make the classes longer, but 15 minutes would make me very happy. Just enough time for me to actually enjoy my sandwich, soda, and a short conversation. I tried that on Wednesday and the lab instructor, Anna, was cool about things. I really need to pick up the letters from disabled students so I don’t hear anything about how I eat in class, especially in photography since he doesn’t seem to give breaks, then again I only had one class so far. After a short class full of, introduce yourself and tell me something interesting where I couldn’t think of anything meanwhile I like to hang out in cemeteries, and filled out some papers Anna asked me about the research methods class I took before this class. We discussed that it is better for me to stay in this current class since it was a while since I had that research class and since that professor sucked, there are things I am not really sure how to do. When I left I headed to the com lab with Enchantment and then headed home. My knee didn’t bother me, or I should say hasn’t. I think its due to the anti inflammatory I am taking zyflamend, which is a herbal supplement. I hope that it continues to do its job because I really don’t want to think about surgery especially if it takes 3 weeks to heal. My mother’s friend Stacey had surgery on her knee and wasn’t allowed to walk up and down stairs and sadly for me to get to the train station, or ones near by, I need to go up and down stairs I can’t avoid it. at school I could but still leaving the train station at school I still need to walk up a flight and go down the same when I leave. I am thinking that if I need to have any surgery I will wait until the middle of May when classes end. This way if I need time to heal I will have the rest of May and June so I can then work in the summer program in July.

All today I kept hearing about this snow storm and how it is approaching with an indefinite amount of snow accumulation. I have a feeling it might be something intense, and I don’t feel like going out. I have a reading for experimental that I really want to get done and also would like to do some work in photoshop as well. I have a lot to do tomorrow, Friday, but I decided to just write an entry before I go to sleep and empty my head and also tell a somewhat short story that I think I possibly wrote about before if not a few times.

This kid that went to my grammar school, John, I have had dreams about which started in high school. Nothing dirty or crazy just would see him, we’d talk, and that was it. I hadn’t heard from him since he left the 5th grade and always wondered what happened to him. My mother made attempts to find his family to see how they were doing since my mother did help them with some of their financial endeavors which I didn’t know about until later on in life. Mainly didn’t find out this information until after I started college and mentioned finding him. After facebook got up and running and I joined I tried to find him and was not successful, but I found his sister right around the same time my mother found his mother in some search. I wrote his sister and asked if she had a brother named John, just to make sure and she did. My mother called shortly after and she spoke to his mother once. Apparently she had a funeral to go to, I still don’t know how true that is I just think she didn’t want to talk on the phone. She said she would return the call and that never happened. I would write his sister randomly and ask how she is doing. She gave me his aim screen name and his cell number but I felt weird calling him out of the blue. Seriously what do you talk about after all these years? The last time I spoke to him was in the 5th grade, but anyway. So not long ago, before I decided to write this, I saw that his sister’s birthday is coming up so I went to her page. I was going through her pictures and saw a picture of an older man, their father, and went to his page. I went through his pictures to be nosey and finally after all this I finally saw John, and he is on facebook as well. I feel weird adding him. Though I have to admit I feel like I died a little inside seeing he is engaged. For some reason it kills me seeing people I went to school with getting engaged/ married. I think Jessica is the only one that will understand.

"My Life as a Circus Clown" by Matthew Good

Tuesday: So I wanted to get to school early to talk to Dr. Lanzone and ask her if they needed anyone to help with the new Mac lab they have. I got there about 30 min early and walked as slow as I possibly could since my knee was still sore from the previous day. When I got there she had her class for a remaining few minutes and I just hung out with Mayra and Milly waiting. Finally the class was gone and I walked in and she gave me an excited hello. I told her how I wanted to come the previous semester to see her but I never got her answer. I told her how I had problems with registration and she asked me the details of what happened. So from now on I would tell the registra I work for Dr. Lanzone regardless if I do or not, she said she would say I do. Wheni mentioned the Mac lab she was way ahead of me. She said she is going to try and see if she can find hours for me so I can work on Fridays with this professor that works in that lab.

I ran to my photography class and walked into a huge room. Since the students were so spread out, 20 students looked more like 30. I did not expect the professor to give a full blown lecture in class. I began to get extremely hungry. I watched a girl just leave half way through the class, I didn’t blame her for leaving I wanted to do the same. The professor walking around made it difficult for me to text Milly and tell her to meet me for lunch but I finally sent her one and she met me outside the room. As we waited for the elevator, Milly informed me that Dr. Lanzone asked Mayra to find hours for me so I can work. She told me that she was also trying to find time for her to work as well, so I guess they are trying to find it in the budget. We sat and ate as she watched her stats class wait outside for the room to empty. We both were looking at the same time and laughed at the girl standing by the door joking about how she must think we are looking at her and not waiting for the room to empty. When it finally did she threw her things inside and I went to get myself together and leave. I left with Mayra who also informed me about working on the Friday and would keep me posted she was going to try and get me hours.

So when I got in, I asked my mother if it was to late for me to call Dr. Morano and ask about my MRI. He returned my call shortly after and informed me what was going on in my knee. I have this fold of skin that is behind my patella, knee cap, called a plica. When I walk it rubs and causes pain in my knee. I told him I am using the cream he gave me, and how I don’t’ know if its helping me but I noticed it makes my knee lemony fresh. He just laughed. I looked up information on google about a plica. Apparently there are 3 methods of taking care of this though only one is permanent. The first method is cortisone injections into my knee which make me think of my grandmother when she had problems with her knee. The second method is anti inflamatories, I am taking an organic herbal one but it takes a month to kick in so I’ll see how that works if things get better. The last is surgery, I need an orthopedic surgeon for that and also to find out what he thinks I need to do. How this needs to be approached. All I keep thinking is walking around with a cane, like how I saw Gwen today as I was leaving. Whatever happened to her knee she needed a cane. Well at least I can knock people out of my fucking way when I’m walking. I was thinking of te upcoming concerts I have and really don’t want to be standing in pain or be all the way in the back sitting watching from a distance. I also think of Aisha with her surgery and how the professor she had told her to type her paper with one hand after she had a shard of glass removed from it. Well then I guess that’s another instance where the cane comes in handy, to bust it over an asshole professors head.

"99% of Us is Failure" by Matthew Good part2

Monday: I was up rather early and was continuing to run early for my first day of class. When I got to the building Bessy was texting me telling me that she saved me a seat, when I walked in and saw how huge the class was I knew that there would be a large amount of students. As I approached the door I saw another student from the previous psych course that I took, named Carla. We walked in together after making hand gestures that we both were in the same room. After I saw Enchantment came into the class as well along with some other students from the previous psych class that I took. Also turns out that out of the 4 lab sections 4 of us are in it together which would make it interesting. I hope to not be the one doing all the work with Carla. When the professor was discussing what will go on in the class, he said the class would be like a research methods class and right away I wondered if that meant I could get away with not taking the course. When I asked the professor about it he told me to discuss it with him after class which I did. I am better off staying in the class since I took research methods a few years ago and might not remember what I need to exactly do in the class. After class I had to run around, get something to eat and make sure I got to disabled students to clear things up with the letter they are sending out to the professors I have. Basically I was told that the professor I had was being ignorant since all the disabled students get extra time regardless of their illness. I just told Crystal to put more details into the letter without saying I’m diabetic.

As I left the office and went to go tell Mayra I met Ian, I wondered if I should possibly include that that I have problems with my knee. Well inform the disabled students dept, but I didn’t think it was necessary. After walking around though I think I am going to reconsider since my knee acted up. it was really annoyingly painful and when I got in I put the cream on my knee that the rheumatologist gave me. All I have to say is it made my knee lemony fresh… that’s it. I will have to call tomorrow when I get home from class and find out what exactly were the results of the MRI.

"99% of Us is Failure" by Matthew Good

Monday: I had to get up early on Saturday and get myself ready since it was my birthday and since I was going to finally meet Ian Somerhalder. The ride to Jersey was really quick, but finding parking took forever. When we finally got in the mall, there were signs all over showing the event that was going on for Vampire Diaries. After Mike picked up our tickets we got on line, and I felt really old. The line was made up of 12-16 year olds and random parents. There were 2 girls behind us that were in their early 20s so that made up for things. We waited on line for an hour and it wasn’t until we got fairly close that we started to hear the girls scream, something I knew would happen. I was excited but at the same time I was trying to keep my cool since I tend to get overly excited and then get to nervous to even think. As we got closer to meeting the cast, 2 people connected with the event among the staff at Hot Topic, kept reminding us we were not allowed to take pictures with the cast, touch them, or give them gifts. I really wanted a picture with Ian, but I guess I would just have to settle for being in front of him and accepting his signature. As I approached the table, I assume it was his agent or someone close to that, came up to me and was all in my face about the policy of no pictures, gifts, touching and whatever. He stared me down and I just said “yeah I know” and looked him dead in the eye as if he was insane or thought I was deaf. When it was finally my turn, Mike in front of me, I greeted the actor that plays the vampire with blonde hair. He seemed a little cold at first but after he asked me how my day was going and what was up, after mentioning it was my birthday he loosened up and wished me a happy birthday and informed the other 2 cast members. He reached out to shake my hand and I was afraid to touch him being we are not allowed to touch the actors. I was afraid if my hand met his I would be trampled on by 3043824 security guards and then thrown out of the building. But that didn’t happen, the policy is you can’t reach out and touch them but they can initiate it and touch you. So then the female co stare then gave me 5 and then Ian gave me a fist bump. I nearly died. He literally has looks that books take pages to tell, his beauty really is something that cannot be truly captured on screen. I pointed out that I was there mainly for him and he just smiled. I don’t remember what it was exactly he said back to me but as I left the store with Mike I teared up like a little girl.

After gallivanting through the mall it was time to head back home for my dinner. I got home and had to take care of some things to get ready and had people calling me informing me they were on their way or there already. I just told them to go inside and hang out and wait for me. I was running late but at the same time I wasn’t since I told them to get there early since I know some people like to be late. Mike and I picked Jessica up and headed to the restaurant. Joseph, Aisha, and Alicia were there already and Vanessa came in shortly after. Mike I think is done with how Alicia and Vanessa act, I was just thinking about us since I was sitting with Aisha, Jes, Joseph, and Mike and almost in a way were separated from them. I sat and was waiting to hear back from Suzanne and Isadora. I sent an early message out in the day saying if you weren’t at the restaurant by a certain time that they would take the table away and they would be forced to sit not with the party. I never heard back from Isadora which made me think of what I told Aisha previously about how she was so disapproving of me going to the Ian event and how I planned to much. I don’t know if she was just really upset with my choice or what was going on. She canceled on me 3 min before the table was taken away and said that basically she was so sorry and something came up. It was on my mind all night and really pissed me off badly and turned into the only thing I could think of at times. This isn’t something new for her and I wanted to see how to approach the situation since she tends to back off until she knows I am not angry any more. I didn’t want my friends that were there to not think I didn’t appreciate them being there, because I did, it was just that I am tired of her making up stories. One year she told me the place I picked was to far, the next year she didn’t drink beer. I don’t know if she was not going because I didn’t go to her birthday, but I made plans with Mike literally months in advanced and I wasn’t going to cancel because she made plans a week before her birthday. I don’t think I will go to her birthday next year since she didn’t go to mine, I think that is only fair. It makes me feel like I am dealing with a child and that I have to stoop down to this low level to deal with her and it pisses me off. Whether or not something serious happened and she couldn’t go, the least she could have done was tell me earlier, not 3 minutes before the table was taken away.

The rest of the night went smoothly and only got better after Alicia and Vanessa left since they were holding the fun back with their immaturity level. Jessica and I discussed it the next day and she even said she doesn’t remember Vanessa acting like that previously. The rest of the night was very memorable and a lot of fun though I really think that Mike got a little out of hand with the wine he had. His tolerance is low, and then lower with the medication he is on so he was acting really unlike himself. Sadly the night had to come to an end and I have some pictures that I shared on facebook which had me thinking. Usually something happens and Isadora backs off after she doesn’t come and waits for me to say something. I am wondering if she will read the captions on my fb pictures and take offense to what I had to say. I will have to wait this one out and see what it is she tells me that happens.