Tuesday: The Borders by my school always has celebrities there signing autographs and making appearances. I haven’t officially gone to any of them, just watched from a distance as people meet and great and snap photos. I went to my first official one though, to meet Ozzy. I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks since it leads up to the events for my birthday. Just thought it would be another awesome event to go to. Vanessa wanted to go with me to meet him, the other people I asked to go weren’t going though. They either lost interest or had other things going on that was preventing them from going. I also didn’t even know if Vanessa was even going to go since she tends to flake out. So yeah I asked my mother to come with me to meet the Prince of Darkness… She likes him anyway so I didn’t think it was a big deal. When I got to the mall where Borders is, I saw the line was short, I was misled. I didn’t realize that inside the mall the line actually was formed, or started to form. The line that I was on, outside of Borders, of course attracted the most attention. People that were curious to know what we were online for were coming over to ask. After a while it got out of hand, the guy behind me just was saying random things to see people’s reactions telling them Jay Z was there, and Taylor Swift. Vanessa did meet me though and we all stayed on line. We waited about possibly an hour, maybe less. Out meeting with Ozzy wasn’t as long though. If we stood in front of him for a minute that was a lot. He wasn’t singing names to the people’s book just his own and that was it. We both were able to take pictures standing in front of him, sadly both of our pictures were blurry due to not being able to use flash.
After meeting Ozzy my mother wanted to go to Sephora, obviously I am not going to object. I wanted to see if the bitch that causes me grief would be working but she wasn’t. An extremely nice Sephora worker asked my mother for help and I approached her after to ask her what to do and told her about the woman that is the grief bringer. She was upset to hear that I deal with this, and said that the woman is a manager. I believe that she was a manager as well. She advised me to go to the website and write something about the manager and discuss how she acts when I’m there and I think I will. And get friends to do the same. I would apply to Sephora, and Jessica pointed out that I should have mentioned that this woman working there is preventing me from applying. Jessica reminded me this, I told her I felt that including that would just be to much to add.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
"Combat" by Deftones
Thursday: My mother had been dreading this day for a while, but it was finally time for her to get the biopsy on her breast to find out what exactly this thing is that came up on the sonogram. We left early and sat in the office, for them to call her name. People strolled in and out, but no one was there for a long time… except us. I was sitting there with my coat on being thankful I didn’t wear just a hoody, yet I was still cold. My mother got up to go into the room and she put her coat on top of me to keep me warm. I was falling in and out of sleep waiting for her to come out and finally it was done. All is well and there is nothing to worry about, though she had a funny story. She told me how the doctor could not find this infamous “nodule” that we have been hearing about for the past 2 months or so. Apparently they can just float on away and disappear. The pathologist wanted her films to see where this nodule was since he couldn’t find it. He said how this other woman was there earlier and waited an hour to see him only to leave without him finding anything. He couldn’t believe he had 2 patients in one day with the same problem, and he asked my mother if he could do a biopsy on her thyroid after finding 2 nodules there. Both were fine but she was in a lot of pain. She was talking about how it was painful to swallow and it reminded me of the throat infection I’m dealing with. We went home and I went to lay down for a few and warm up since I felt like I was sitting in a meat locker.
While I was out with her walking home I stressed how I didn’t know still where to have my dinner. How I was waiting for Jessica to get back to me, since I emailed her earlier, about eating at Fonda tomorrow night. My mother asked me why I didn’t ask her to go and pick up food and we could try it together, so that is what we did. I don’t know why I didn’t think of asking her if she wanted to go, and felt silly for not thinking of it sooner. We placed the order and went there and I was very happy with what I tried. I had the Pollo del Norte which was delicious and the grilled Chorizo with cheese was something I would definitely eat again. The only thing that I didn’t like is that I became full easily. I still am not sure if that I due to the symlin I am taking or something else going on. I will call tomorrow or Saturday and make the reservations for 10. As of right now I have 9 people going. I also invited Mike’s friends so I will see how this works. With my luck watch I’ll go and 18 people are standing there chillin waiting for me to seat them all. I think that’s when I smack the other 10 and ask them why they didn’t rsvp sooner so I could take it into consideration.
I spoke to Aisha about the whole thing with Isadora and how I felt that she was going to not show. When I explained how she seemed to be pointing out how its not a good idea to go to the Ian event and then have another one hours away, Aisha said if it is something I can handle I would know. So I will have to see how this all pans out.
Earlier today Vanessa decided she wanted to text me and inform me that Vampire Weekend was going to be in the city at Union Square in a Barns and Nobles performing or something. She didn’t flat out tell me though, it was more along the lines of telling me through 1 word text messages that really drove me insane! As I explained to Aisha, I am not on the best terms with Vanessa well I shouldn’t really say that. I tried to get in contact with her months ago and was ignored. I called her, wrote her emails and on facebook, text her, and never received anything back. I commented that she was ignoring me and she just twisted it around to make it seem like it was my fault. So I really am not happy with the situation and honestly don’t know what to make of it. I can’t bring it up at my birthday because that would be extremely awkward. I will have to find the right time and ask her what exactly is going on and why she was so evasive. If she blames it on me I think beams of firely light will shoot out of my eyes and vaporize her.
While I was out with her walking home I stressed how I didn’t know still where to have my dinner. How I was waiting for Jessica to get back to me, since I emailed her earlier, about eating at Fonda tomorrow night. My mother asked me why I didn’t ask her to go and pick up food and we could try it together, so that is what we did. I don’t know why I didn’t think of asking her if she wanted to go, and felt silly for not thinking of it sooner. We placed the order and went there and I was very happy with what I tried. I had the Pollo del Norte which was delicious and the grilled Chorizo with cheese was something I would definitely eat again. The only thing that I didn’t like is that I became full easily. I still am not sure if that I due to the symlin I am taking or something else going on. I will call tomorrow or Saturday and make the reservations for 10. As of right now I have 9 people going. I also invited Mike’s friends so I will see how this works. With my luck watch I’ll go and 18 people are standing there chillin waiting for me to seat them all. I think that’s when I smack the other 10 and ask them why they didn’t rsvp sooner so I could take it into consideration.
I spoke to Aisha about the whole thing with Isadora and how I felt that she was going to not show. When I explained how she seemed to be pointing out how its not a good idea to go to the Ian event and then have another one hours away, Aisha said if it is something I can handle I would know. So I will have to see how this all pans out.
Earlier today Vanessa decided she wanted to text me and inform me that Vampire Weekend was going to be in the city at Union Square in a Barns and Nobles performing or something. She didn’t flat out tell me though, it was more along the lines of telling me through 1 word text messages that really drove me insane! As I explained to Aisha, I am not on the best terms with Vanessa well I shouldn’t really say that. I tried to get in contact with her months ago and was ignored. I called her, wrote her emails and on facebook, text her, and never received anything back. I commented that she was ignoring me and she just twisted it around to make it seem like it was my fault. So I really am not happy with the situation and honestly don’t know what to make of it. I can’t bring it up at my birthday because that would be extremely awkward. I will have to find the right time and ask her what exactly is going on and why she was so evasive. If she blames it on me I think beams of firely light will shoot out of my eyes and vaporize her.
"Pink Cellphone" by Deftones
Wednesday: This morning I found this application for the iphone that I think is pretty cool. Its called Momento, and its like a mini journal for your thoughts and also documents pictures and locations. I think I will use it in conjunction with my iam page entries. I wish I could upload what I write on momento to my blogger, not sure how that would work though.
I wrote in momento how I found it interesting how in the session when I mentioned the test I took and how I didn’t like how there seemed to be a miscommunication she wanted me to explain things better. So basically if comes down to this: when I took the test Aaron said that people don’t really understand diabetes and the stress and anxiety that goes with managing my health. He conveyed to me that there was an understanding of my illness, what he told her or what she got out of it seemed like I don’t take care of myself. And so she just blamed him for it which I knew was what she was going to do.
Today I went to get my eyes checked and yeah the reason I have the gooey discharge in my eyes is due to me not cleaning the eye liner off and going to sleep with it. I’m great aren’t I? so I need to make sure I do that when I wear it.
I really need to figure out my plans for my birthday. I want Mike to let me know if its ok to invite a few of his friends. Also if Jessica says she is free Friday I want to go with her to Fonda and see if it is worth it. I think if I go and it blows I’ll know right there if I am going to go there or not. Just screws up my plans if I don’t go and what I will do after. I have a feeling Isadora is going to cancel on me though. Her conversation tonight didn’t really assure me of her going, like her previous ones. I understand that if I go to meet Ian Somerhalder I will have to go to jersey an it is at 3pm. Assuming it takes 2 hours, if I tell people to be there by 7:30pm by the time I am out I should be half way there or back by then. She said its not a good idea to do both, honestly I don’t know I planned on only doing one but since its so early I could manage both I imagine. I just hope Jessica goes out with me Friday night.
I wrote in momento how I found it interesting how in the session when I mentioned the test I took and how I didn’t like how there seemed to be a miscommunication she wanted me to explain things better. So basically if comes down to this: when I took the test Aaron said that people don’t really understand diabetes and the stress and anxiety that goes with managing my health. He conveyed to me that there was an understanding of my illness, what he told her or what she got out of it seemed like I don’t take care of myself. And so she just blamed him for it which I knew was what she was going to do.
Today I went to get my eyes checked and yeah the reason I have the gooey discharge in my eyes is due to me not cleaning the eye liner off and going to sleep with it. I’m great aren’t I? so I need to make sure I do that when I wear it.
I really need to figure out my plans for my birthday. I want Mike to let me know if its ok to invite a few of his friends. Also if Jessica says she is free Friday I want to go with her to Fonda and see if it is worth it. I think if I go and it blows I’ll know right there if I am going to go there or not. Just screws up my plans if I don’t go and what I will do after. I have a feeling Isadora is going to cancel on me though. Her conversation tonight didn’t really assure me of her going, like her previous ones. I understand that if I go to meet Ian Somerhalder I will have to go to jersey an it is at 3pm. Assuming it takes 2 hours, if I tell people to be there by 7:30pm by the time I am out I should be half way there or back by then. She said its not a good idea to do both, honestly I don’t know I planned on only doing one but since its so early I could manage both I imagine. I just hope Jessica goes out with me Friday night.
"Ever (Foreign Flag)" by Team Sleep
Tuesday: I went to sleep horribly late this morning around 8am. My mother was trying to get me to go to my dentist to check out my throat but I just told her she was nuts and how I wasn’t getting out of bed to go to see him. I got myself together in the afternoon to see him before I went to my last session with Randi. I walked in and he asked what was wrong and I told him my throat is bothering me. When he checked he asked me “What the fuck did you do?! You were just here and everything was fine!” and honestly I have no idea what he fuck it was that I did but I know that my throat was killing me. He told me I have a massive infection in my throat and put me on some antibiotics to get rid of them. When I got home I took the first dose immediately. Mike called me and reminded me that I still have yet to make plans for my birthday and said “well if you don’t know what you’re doing then I guess you won’t want these 2 tickets to meet Ian Someralder” normally I think I would have screamed, being my throat was inflamed yeah that wasn’t happening. I think I probably won’t realize what is happening until he is in front of me and then I pass out. I need to finalize my plans for my birthday, send out the messages again on facebook since half the people didn’t answer me or do anything, and then enjoy the day. Hopefully I’m 100% by then.
I will admit, my last session was a bit sadder than I thought. A lot of the things we discussed in those 45 minutes could have been topics of discussion over the past remaining weeks I was there. Why they weren’t I’m not sure. I sometimes wonder if therapists do things like that on purpose, make it so that you never really have things resolved and need to keep coming back for more discussions. She discussed how I need to work on my anger issues, she said that I seem to carry a chip on my shoulder. I never was taking it out on her, she said, but I seemed to be angry with the world which maybe due to me thinking things should work out a certain way. I told her how there were certain topics that I didn’t really discuss with her in detail, that I minutely discussed it. And she said that now isn’t really the time to talk about it since we only have 45 minutes and we wouldn’t be able to cover everything. She said that I have grown since I first met her when I was 16 and that I am continuing to mature. She said that in therapy if I continue, that I should spend more time speaking about myself instead of others. “Its easier for us to talk about other people, than talking about our selves. It brings up things that are difficult to deal with.” she said. I know that if I go to someone else, which I know I will, I hope that I can get some sort of closeness in the way where I can feel that I am able to open up to them, like how Mike is with his therapist, unlike how things were between Randi and I. She found it interesting, what Jessica said about how I possibly viewed her as a friend and that is why I discussed things a certain way with her. She didn’t really agree with it, she said maybe with someone else they will give another point of view. I told her how Dr. Lewis at school and Aaron both have this very detached way of handling discussions. If I make a joke they don’t laugh, they look almost as if they are afraid they are going to crack and shatter into pieces. She said that she definitely wasn’t like that, and that depending on the methods they use they may have a different style. She said she was definitely not afraid to laugh at my jokes and said that my sense of humor is how I handle things and its “charming”. I told her I wanted to use constructive criticism, I didn’t want to point out to her how she seemed to be money hungry at times, and about the few occasions she decided to use our session as nap time. She said that I would grow mentally more if I were to spend more time out of the house. “Some people like to be indoors but since you don’t live alone I think that might be a problem. You will take in the problems of your parents.” She pointed out which is true. Taking the information she gave me, she wished me the best of luck with my school career and told me to keep her updated from time to time. I then shook her hand, and thanked her. She wished me a happy birthday and I was then on my way to new things in life.
I will admit, my last session was a bit sadder than I thought. A lot of the things we discussed in those 45 minutes could have been topics of discussion over the past remaining weeks I was there. Why they weren’t I’m not sure. I sometimes wonder if therapists do things like that on purpose, make it so that you never really have things resolved and need to keep coming back for more discussions. She discussed how I need to work on my anger issues, she said that I seem to carry a chip on my shoulder. I never was taking it out on her, she said, but I seemed to be angry with the world which maybe due to me thinking things should work out a certain way. I told her how there were certain topics that I didn’t really discuss with her in detail, that I minutely discussed it. And she said that now isn’t really the time to talk about it since we only have 45 minutes and we wouldn’t be able to cover everything. She said that I have grown since I first met her when I was 16 and that I am continuing to mature. She said that in therapy if I continue, that I should spend more time speaking about myself instead of others. “Its easier for us to talk about other people, than talking about our selves. It brings up things that are difficult to deal with.” she said. I know that if I go to someone else, which I know I will, I hope that I can get some sort of closeness in the way where I can feel that I am able to open up to them, like how Mike is with his therapist, unlike how things were between Randi and I. She found it interesting, what Jessica said about how I possibly viewed her as a friend and that is why I discussed things a certain way with her. She didn’t really agree with it, she said maybe with someone else they will give another point of view. I told her how Dr. Lewis at school and Aaron both have this very detached way of handling discussions. If I make a joke they don’t laugh, they look almost as if they are afraid they are going to crack and shatter into pieces. She said that she definitely wasn’t like that, and that depending on the methods they use they may have a different style. She said she was definitely not afraid to laugh at my jokes and said that my sense of humor is how I handle things and its “charming”. I told her I wanted to use constructive criticism, I didn’t want to point out to her how she seemed to be money hungry at times, and about the few occasions she decided to use our session as nap time. She said that I would grow mentally more if I were to spend more time out of the house. “Some people like to be indoors but since you don’t live alone I think that might be a problem. You will take in the problems of your parents.” She pointed out which is true. Taking the information she gave me, she wished me the best of luck with my school career and told me to keep her updated from time to time. I then shook her hand, and thanked her. She wished me a happy birthday and I was then on my way to new things in life.
"Rich" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Monday: My throat has been bothering me all day and its pain to swallow. I figured it wasn’t anything to serious, it wasn’t until I got in from being out with Jessica that I saw that it looks like I have a throat infection. I guess after trying several remedies and not being able to find something to help resolve the issue I needed to look in the back of my throat to see what was going on. Tomorrow I’ll go to the doctor and get some antibiotics to help with this.
Today I finally applied for health insurance, which as my mother put it, took a huge weight off of our shoulders. Hopefully I get approved for health plus so I don’t have to stress out. The office was empty, mainly because of the holiday which worked out great for us. We went rather late, but the process took all of 20 min and then we were out.
I went to meet Jessica to get some dinner. I was really wanting to try the restaurant Fonda, but of course with my luck the place was closed. More than likely it was closed just for the holiday but knowing that area it could be closed for rent. I told Jessica how I didn’t particularly care for Mike’s friend who got us the tickets to see Eddie Izzard this past Saturday at MSG. I think everything was fine until she came over to me, lock her arm into mine and asked me why I was with Mike and then referred to herself as a “fag hag”. “They still use that term?” Jessica asked me and I replied with “apparently.” I really don’t like people that consider themselves that, it was a huge turn off. Mike’s friend made a comment about me not saying much and he blamed me on being shy. Jessica said “if only she got to know you” and I said well I told him that it was due to the comment she made, he was surprised she said it and didn’t hear her say it. Over dinner we discussed things, she told me about her job and some of her cases and I spoke about, I the tenants and other crazy things going on.
I brought up how in therapy there are topics that I really just never felt like I could discuss with her. Jessica feels that I got very close with my therapist and saw her more as a friend than a therapist. I really don’t know how true that is because it can be looked at in 2 different ways. She can either be the close friend that I share everything with, which is what I would have wanted. Or she is the friend that I just tell things about my day to and not really have anything valid to talk about. Jessica agreed that as we get older in life and our tastes change that we would naturally find someone else to talk to, why I didn’t know this I don’t know why. I feel that her questioning the topics I wish to discuss during sessions really made me not want to share a lot with her and to tell her that in my last session I don’t know if that is really constructive criticism or destructive. I guess I will see how I feel when I talk to her. I know that when I asked Mike about his therapist and hoe he feels about her, if he could tell her anything, he said he could. I wish I had that with Randi.
As the night ended with Jessica, and we were in a cab being driven home of course she saves things that I find really important to talk about for the very last couple minutes before we go our separate ways. We were discussing grad school and she mentioned her ex. I asked her if she still spoke to him and she told me she does, but not recently and that is one of the reasons why she is so agitated. When I asked her what happened she said that it was a long story and she really didn’t have time to get into it, but I pointed out we had a few blocks left before I had to leave and to tell me. Long story short she was over his house for his birthday and their dog rolled off the couch and fell on the floor. He was across the room and yelled at Jessica as if she did it on purpose. His family said Jessica didn’t do it on purpose, but that didn’t matter. She said that when he drove her home they had some words and she said to him “what are you going to do? Hit me like your father use to hit your mother?” I sat there and didn’t know what to say. She said that she was going to see Wicked with him and didn’t know how that was going to work out. I asked her if he tried to get back with her and she just made a face. Obviously this is something I want to discuss with her, but I know that she is the type of person that needs to learn from her mistakes. There isn’t much I can say to persuade her or make her not want to continue to associate herself with him.
I just want the best for her...
Today I finally applied for health insurance, which as my mother put it, took a huge weight off of our shoulders. Hopefully I get approved for health plus so I don’t have to stress out. The office was empty, mainly because of the holiday which worked out great for us. We went rather late, but the process took all of 20 min and then we were out.
I went to meet Jessica to get some dinner. I was really wanting to try the restaurant Fonda, but of course with my luck the place was closed. More than likely it was closed just for the holiday but knowing that area it could be closed for rent. I told Jessica how I didn’t particularly care for Mike’s friend who got us the tickets to see Eddie Izzard this past Saturday at MSG. I think everything was fine until she came over to me, lock her arm into mine and asked me why I was with Mike and then referred to herself as a “fag hag”. “They still use that term?” Jessica asked me and I replied with “apparently.” I really don’t like people that consider themselves that, it was a huge turn off. Mike’s friend made a comment about me not saying much and he blamed me on being shy. Jessica said “if only she got to know you” and I said well I told him that it was due to the comment she made, he was surprised she said it and didn’t hear her say it. Over dinner we discussed things, she told me about her job and some of her cases and I spoke about, I the tenants and other crazy things going on.
I brought up how in therapy there are topics that I really just never felt like I could discuss with her. Jessica feels that I got very close with my therapist and saw her more as a friend than a therapist. I really don’t know how true that is because it can be looked at in 2 different ways. She can either be the close friend that I share everything with, which is what I would have wanted. Or she is the friend that I just tell things about my day to and not really have anything valid to talk about. Jessica agreed that as we get older in life and our tastes change that we would naturally find someone else to talk to, why I didn’t know this I don’t know why. I feel that her questioning the topics I wish to discuss during sessions really made me not want to share a lot with her and to tell her that in my last session I don’t know if that is really constructive criticism or destructive. I guess I will see how I feel when I talk to her. I know that when I asked Mike about his therapist and hoe he feels about her, if he could tell her anything, he said he could. I wish I had that with Randi.
As the night ended with Jessica, and we were in a cab being driven home of course she saves things that I find really important to talk about for the very last couple minutes before we go our separate ways. We were discussing grad school and she mentioned her ex. I asked her if she still spoke to him and she told me she does, but not recently and that is one of the reasons why she is so agitated. When I asked her what happened she said that it was a long story and she really didn’t have time to get into it, but I pointed out we had a few blocks left before I had to leave and to tell me. Long story short she was over his house for his birthday and their dog rolled off the couch and fell on the floor. He was across the room and yelled at Jessica as if she did it on purpose. His family said Jessica didn’t do it on purpose, but that didn’t matter. She said that when he drove her home they had some words and she said to him “what are you going to do? Hit me like your father use to hit your mother?” I sat there and didn’t know what to say. She said that she was going to see Wicked with him and didn’t know how that was going to work out. I asked her if he tried to get back with her and she just made a face. Obviously this is something I want to discuss with her, but I know that she is the type of person that needs to learn from her mistakes. There isn’t much I can say to persuade her or make her not want to continue to associate herself with him.
I just want the best for her...
"Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd
Sunday: I had plans with Jessica to go out to dinner since she is off tomorrow. I rarely get to really see her since she works and when I go out on the weekend. If I am going out on a Saturday for some reason I don’t bother to go out on a Friday, unless she asks me but she doesn’t. Last night when I went to sleep I didn’t expect that I was going to have a low blood sugar in the morning that would wake me out of my sleep. I should have just stayed up since it was only an hour before the time I normally wake up, but I just went back to sleep after I had something to eat. And sleep is what I did all day. I didn’t finally roll out of bed until 6:30pm hearing my mother yell for me cause there was drama on the desktop. I really don’t know where she goes to find those online things that say they are scanning your computer to find viruses. I am just glad she didn’t click anything. I always ask her what she was doing to bring that up on the screen because it’s a virus and that I really don’t need shit on the desktop. I also mentioned how she should always call me and not click on anything because it will make things worse.
I called Jessica trying to get her, I actually think I called her earlier and she was out. Apparently she made plans today to help her cousin move. When I finally got her on the phone I said that I had my phone off and that if she tried to get me she could always try the house but since she didn’t I didn’t get up. So we continued to talk and made plans for tomorrow, which hopefully happen. We discussed the weird dreams we had, and I had 2 that were a little strange. One took place in the cemetery and I was inside some building where there was a fountain with giant turtles playing in it. When I left I ended up in some bar and the guys in the bar all looked like her disgusting ex boyfriend and they all spoke in unison saying how they didn’t like me or want me there. The other dream I had I spoke to her about briefly. I don’t really like talking about things that come up that bring my emotions out about Michelle in the house in front of my parents. I don’t know why but its something I just don’t like getting into. I think it is because it makes me feel like a little kid crying over something and I just don’t want them to become upset seeing me crying over something, even if it is something that is understandably painful for me to deal with. The dream is unclear right now but I remember that she was in the hospital unconscious and dying and had all these tubes running in and out of her body which contained blood flowing in or out of her body, maybe both. I remember not being able to think about it in the dream how it was so painful to think about. I also was confused and was thinking I knew her sister and that Michelle really wasn’t dead but it was her sister but as I awoke and still was confused, things became clear. I am sure I will discuss this with Jessica tomorrow when I see her.
I called Jessica trying to get her, I actually think I called her earlier and she was out. Apparently she made plans today to help her cousin move. When I finally got her on the phone I said that I had my phone off and that if she tried to get me she could always try the house but since she didn’t I didn’t get up. So we continued to talk and made plans for tomorrow, which hopefully happen. We discussed the weird dreams we had, and I had 2 that were a little strange. One took place in the cemetery and I was inside some building where there was a fountain with giant turtles playing in it. When I left I ended up in some bar and the guys in the bar all looked like her disgusting ex boyfriend and they all spoke in unison saying how they didn’t like me or want me there. The other dream I had I spoke to her about briefly. I don’t really like talking about things that come up that bring my emotions out about Michelle in the house in front of my parents. I don’t know why but its something I just don’t like getting into. I think it is because it makes me feel like a little kid crying over something and I just don’t want them to become upset seeing me crying over something, even if it is something that is understandably painful for me to deal with. The dream is unclear right now but I remember that she was in the hospital unconscious and dying and had all these tubes running in and out of her body which contained blood flowing in or out of her body, maybe both. I remember not being able to think about it in the dream how it was so painful to think about. I also was confused and was thinking I knew her sister and that Michelle really wasn’t dead but it was her sister but as I awoke and still was confused, things became clear. I am sure I will discuss this with Jessica tomorrow when I see her.
"Barrel of a Gun" by Depeche Mode
Saturday: Thinking of how I want to handle the situation with my last session of therapy becomes a little problematic. I do not want to come off as putting her in her place, or only thinking of the negative that has gone on in our sessions. She has helped me with things, but I should have realized when I went back to her that I am older, wiser, and my personality and thinking is different than it was before. So the methods she has used before might possibly not work as they did before. I would point out to her how it would upset me that when I would start with telling her what is going on, and my story would twist and turn and go down a path leading to the main idea and be full of different elements, when she would cut me off to question why I was discussing what I was it would turn me off. It would make me feel like not talking about things with her. I know that there have been topics that have come up, well technically not come up since I never discussed them. Some things have been issues and I never spoke about it with her. I just didn’t feel comfortable. I didn’t feel she would judge me, its just that based off of previous things that had gone on during sessions I really wonder how I would be advised. She has pointed some things out to me and I keep them in my head in a folder under “important” and I will not forget them because I feel that they are really important for me to remember in life. I just wish I could have gotten more out of her, and shared everything and not cared. But then I always felt that me being there came down to money. That came up years ago, before I started to go to her again and it was something that did come up especially when she mentioned how I was the only one on cigna that she had as a client since they were so horrible with paying her eh. And last the fact that she fell asleep on me 3 times is also an issue. Something that really isn’t good at all. I think if I mention this to her it probably would be a lot. I know I am going to bring up how I didn’t like how she questioned my thought process and that maybe I should have considered going to someone else but I didn’t since I felt that she would help me like she had before. I should also add that after I was tested for ADD and found out that I just have stressors that bog me down and create problems with me completing work that I don’t think she really understood the test results. After Aaron explained them to her, I think she just wasn’t to sure about things which made it upsetting for me when she would always bring up the fact I was diabetic then make it seem like I don’t take care of myself.
"Dull Life" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Monday: I acknowledge that I am really bad at keeping up with my page. I do find it helpful with vending what is on my mind, I just get lazy.
Last week was really hell for me, or I should say the past 2 weeks. I will admit I am depressed. School really is pissing me off royally. My philosophy of art class is horrid. The professor demands us to do so much work and then is always out. Her current amount of absences is now 8 which is equal to a month. I kept putting off working on the midterm because I just felt so unmotivated in the class. You don’t know when she will be out since she doesn’t send emails out, and she always throws lame excuses into as to why she isn’t in. There use to be a pattern to when he would be in but lately that’s not happening. She just is out whenever. I have asked other professors for help and advice and all have told me to speak with the head of the department and if he doesn’t help me then go to the dean of students. When she was out the 7th time that was when I finally knew I had to go because I can’t take a class and worry about the grade all the time when I’m putting the work in and some students aren’t even bothering at all. No one shows that they really care, so why should I? I can’t afford to do poorly in this class when my goal is to pull up my gpa. So I made an appointment and spoke with the head today and he wasn’t even aware of all that is going on in the class. At times he seemed really surprised and just said “wow”. He told me to write a letter to him anonymously. In the letter I would discuss everything I spoke to him about in his office from her work load to her absences. He then said he would take the letter and bring it to her and ask what exactly is going on in her class and say a student left this in his mail box. He won’t tell her its from me which is what I wanted since I have her. He told me that if I get a grade in the class I am unhappy with that I would then have to go to the academic appeals board and appeal the grade. He said that the board usually favors in the students name and he said that from what he is hearing, that I am doing the work I shouldn’t worry. He said if it comes to that I need to do a 10 min presentation on why I should have my grade changed, and she will give one as to why I deserve the grade I received. But, one step at a time so it’s the letter first. One of the good things is I am friends with a professor that is on appeals board and I informed her already before of what was going on when I was asking for guidance as to what to dl.
My other class is so fucking weird, I think that the professor is to smart for his own good honestly. Teaching at a graduate level and assuming everyone is on the same page with him, but the nods from the students don’t really show that they understand. Its just that they don’t want to sit on the same topic all day and hope that maybe if they move on he will say something that will be like being struck with lightening and cause them to remember all of the information. I guess I’m guilty of this as well. I didn’t do well in class on the midterm. In regards to the grade he gave a speech about how there are 3 types of students in the class: the ones that passed, the ones that didn’t do as well as they wanted and don’t have to worry because they contribute a lot in class, and ones that didn’t do as well as they wanted and should worry because they don’t contribute. I don’t know how I fell into the category as a contribute, I rarely raise my hand. I think its all thanks to the notes I type up in class, they show that I pay attention in class to what he has to say. We have a paper coming up in the class that makes me want to scream. I am reminded of the midterm paper in philosophy. The paper isn’t due until the beginning of December, which at the time of him mentioning the paper gave us the month of November to work on it. He hasn’t given us the topics as to what the paper should be about but he discussed some things. All of the students in the class were buzzing about wanting to do a research paper on how music affects studying and mood. When he realized everyone was doing it he had to change it he didn’t want to read 20 papers on mood affected by music. Today in class I was so exhausted and cold… I was nodding out as he was talking and felt horrible about it. its not something I do in that class at all, but I was up earlier since I had a meeting with the department head in philosophy.
Registration is also a horrible time of the year. I think in hell that’s all they have, is registration non stop for things like being kicked in the sac by a midget in fishnets to things like being shot in the face with spit balls. All the good less painful events are taken first so you are stuck with having a midget kick you over and over in the berries. That’s what I am afraid will be what happens to me next semester. I was given a date 2 weeks after everyone registering, but relaxed when I was told that as staff at my school I can register earlier than everyone else. I went to the registration department and was denied this because I am going for another bachelors and that this doesn’t apply to me and I have to deal with the date given. So not fair, so I went to the dean of students. I hoped I could get help there but all I was given was a number to call someone in registration to discuss it. If they tell me that the reason why I was given the date so much later than everyone is due to the fact that I graduated and am going for another degree and they want the other students to go first, I find that to be bullshit. I understand they want the other students to get a degree and they get priority since I already have one, but I am doing this second degree because I was told to do this to get into the graduate program from graduate admissions. Its not like I woke up and this was something I pulled out of my ass. They have the final word on things though, hopefully if this does get resolved and they change my date I won’t have this late registration problem again, or at least as I am staff I don’t. they really should acknowledge that.
Last week was really hell for me, or I should say the past 2 weeks. I will admit I am depressed. School really is pissing me off royally. My philosophy of art class is horrid. The professor demands us to do so much work and then is always out. Her current amount of absences is now 8 which is equal to a month. I kept putting off working on the midterm because I just felt so unmotivated in the class. You don’t know when she will be out since she doesn’t send emails out, and she always throws lame excuses into as to why she isn’t in. There use to be a pattern to when he would be in but lately that’s not happening. She just is out whenever. I have asked other professors for help and advice and all have told me to speak with the head of the department and if he doesn’t help me then go to the dean of students. When she was out the 7th time that was when I finally knew I had to go because I can’t take a class and worry about the grade all the time when I’m putting the work in and some students aren’t even bothering at all. No one shows that they really care, so why should I? I can’t afford to do poorly in this class when my goal is to pull up my gpa. So I made an appointment and spoke with the head today and he wasn’t even aware of all that is going on in the class. At times he seemed really surprised and just said “wow”. He told me to write a letter to him anonymously. In the letter I would discuss everything I spoke to him about in his office from her work load to her absences. He then said he would take the letter and bring it to her and ask what exactly is going on in her class and say a student left this in his mail box. He won’t tell her its from me which is what I wanted since I have her. He told me that if I get a grade in the class I am unhappy with that I would then have to go to the academic appeals board and appeal the grade. He said that the board usually favors in the students name and he said that from what he is hearing, that I am doing the work I shouldn’t worry. He said if it comes to that I need to do a 10 min presentation on why I should have my grade changed, and she will give one as to why I deserve the grade I received. But, one step at a time so it’s the letter first. One of the good things is I am friends with a professor that is on appeals board and I informed her already before of what was going on when I was asking for guidance as to what to dl.
My other class is so fucking weird, I think that the professor is to smart for his own good honestly. Teaching at a graduate level and assuming everyone is on the same page with him, but the nods from the students don’t really show that they understand. Its just that they don’t want to sit on the same topic all day and hope that maybe if they move on he will say something that will be like being struck with lightening and cause them to remember all of the information. I guess I’m guilty of this as well. I didn’t do well in class on the midterm. In regards to the grade he gave a speech about how there are 3 types of students in the class: the ones that passed, the ones that didn’t do as well as they wanted and don’t have to worry because they contribute a lot in class, and ones that didn’t do as well as they wanted and should worry because they don’t contribute. I don’t know how I fell into the category as a contribute, I rarely raise my hand. I think its all thanks to the notes I type up in class, they show that I pay attention in class to what he has to say. We have a paper coming up in the class that makes me want to scream. I am reminded of the midterm paper in philosophy. The paper isn’t due until the beginning of December, which at the time of him mentioning the paper gave us the month of November to work on it. He hasn’t given us the topics as to what the paper should be about but he discussed some things. All of the students in the class were buzzing about wanting to do a research paper on how music affects studying and mood. When he realized everyone was doing it he had to change it he didn’t want to read 20 papers on mood affected by music. Today in class I was so exhausted and cold… I was nodding out as he was talking and felt horrible about it. its not something I do in that class at all, but I was up earlier since I had a meeting with the department head in philosophy.
Registration is also a horrible time of the year. I think in hell that’s all they have, is registration non stop for things like being kicked in the sac by a midget in fishnets to things like being shot in the face with spit balls. All the good less painful events are taken first so you are stuck with having a midget kick you over and over in the berries. That’s what I am afraid will be what happens to me next semester. I was given a date 2 weeks after everyone registering, but relaxed when I was told that as staff at my school I can register earlier than everyone else. I went to the registration department and was denied this because I am going for another bachelors and that this doesn’t apply to me and I have to deal with the date given. So not fair, so I went to the dean of students. I hoped I could get help there but all I was given was a number to call someone in registration to discuss it. If they tell me that the reason why I was given the date so much later than everyone is due to the fact that I graduated and am going for another degree and they want the other students to go first, I find that to be bullshit. I understand they want the other students to get a degree and they get priority since I already have one, but I am doing this second degree because I was told to do this to get into the graduate program from graduate admissions. Its not like I woke up and this was something I pulled out of my ass. They have the final word on things though, hopefully if this does get resolved and they change my date I won’t have this late registration problem again, or at least as I am staff I don’t. they really should acknowledge that.
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