"Rain" by Mika

Saturday: So tonight my mother went out with her friends and I went as well. Any excuse to eat in this greek restaurant is reason enough to go. So we went and ate and spent time there enjoying the food and conversation. At one point the owner looked as if he were annoyed we were there after 2 hours so we packed up and left and went for desert. We stayed until the place was about to close and then went our separate ways.

When we got home, my mother noticed someone going into the abandoned, uncompleted building behind my house. A squatter more than likely is what the person was. This building that I behind my house was never completed for reasons that are unknown. The best guess is that it was due to zoning laws in regards to the height of the building. So it has been abandoned of construction and of human contact other than the drunks that now occupy the steps of the building and the people now possibly living inside illegally. I need to call up and report this since I worry about what might go on in there and if they will try to get out and try to break into my house. Something we definitely don’t need.

It reminds me of the dream I had the other day where my house was being robbed. I beat 3 of the robbers with a bat and texted a bunch of friends with my address asking them to please call 911. No one wanted to, and people responded saying no… Great dream…

On another note I changed my schedule for the last time. That one psych class I really need, is also being taught by Anna who I had last semester and loved. I know I will have to work my ass off but I know that with her she is very understanding if I am having a problem and will work with me. Unfortunately I am going to have to leave Bessy hanging since she can’t switch to the class I am in now. The good thing about this switch is that I will now be able to have more time to work in the lab.

"Medication" by Garbage

Thursday: Today went by pretty quickly and so much went on. I had my first day of class and I honestly didn’t expect a heavy work load from this professor. But isn’t that always how it is? You go to a class and the professor acts as if their class is the only class you have so they dump tons of assignments on you. After class I went to the communications lab and signed some paper work, then headed over to HR and took care of the paper work there. After having lunch with Milly by the fountain and shopping in the mall we went back to see Mayra where I finally asked what the job entailed. I thought I would be tutoring students, I was sadly mistaken. Well no, sadly isn’t a good word. More like jubilantly mistaken since the job is me being in charge of the Mac lab which is great. I can sit and do whatever assignments I want and if someone needs me I can then help them.

When I got home my mother wasn’t feeling well so I couldn’t get that anti-inflammatory for my knee. Milly asked me about it and I told her how I put it off, she said I shouldn’t have and it could get worse. I honestly don’t think it could get worse than it was…

I was dreading talking to Isadora. I didn’t know how the conversation was going to unfold, though it was pleasant. She said that she wasn’t finish dealing with the situation mentally and I understand. I can only imagine what she is going through. We left things on good terms, which is what I wanted. Though I think she is expecting me to write her emails 39463947942 times a day. It’s not going to be like that. I really honestly don’t plan on writing her. She also told me the reason why she removed Aisha. She felt she would contact her asking her why she isn’t talking to me, I know this isn’t true, and Aisha said that she wouldn’t have done that even if I asked. I knew this, but Isadora was terrified that Aisha was going to do this. Oh and also afraid she’d invite her to hang out with us. But whatever if that is how she felt I can’t do anything about it other than deal with it now and tell her that she is wrong. She reminded me to look up one of the classes I am taking, need this semester and found out that Anna is going to be teaching a section and I really want it. It changes my schedule and keeps me there later, but honestly I really don’t care. I just know that I can focus and do work for Anna. I wrote her and asked if that was her teaching the class and if so I want in badly. I hope I hear from her soon.

"My Name is Mud" by Primus

Wednesday: I have felt uneasy ever since that last conversation with Isadora. I have been trying to think of what the right thing to do is in a situation like this, but since I was never in one like this I don’t know what to do. I’ve been channeling my past therapist Randi mentally and not really knowing what she would say in this situation. I feel she would have left it up to me to do what I felt strongly about. The thing is, I didn’t really feel strongly about contacting her.

So I’ve just been doing other things to just take my mind off of the situation. But this situation really feels like something that is just going to keep haunting me. Maybe its due to the fact that I didn’t end the relationship on a horrible note with screaming yelling and an obviously clear presentation of us moving on. I really did not expect her to pursue fixing things, but that’s my fault for making it seem that it was what I wanted. I just feel that whatever she does it’s just temporary. Things will get fixed and then we will then be back to this point some time in the future. More than likely when her birthday rolls around since I really don’t intend on going for reasons of me being expected to go to hers and her not going to mine.

I went to see the Scissor Sisters yesterday in concert and they were amazing! I have wanted to go for a while now but they sell out really fast, especially in NY. I told Mike my trick on how to get tickets to shows that sell out really quickly. I put videos on youtube and have to put some others up on there as well. The method of trying to send them while I leave doesn’t always work since some tend to get errors and cancel which is great. So it only leaves me to do it at another time. Uploading slows my connection down grossly so its not like I can just do it when I’m on the computer doing other important things for school or playing WoW.

I saw last night after the show that Isadora wrote me, she says she wanted to talk. I felt relieved because I felt that it was all on me due to what happened. Only thing is picking a time to talk. I really don’t want her calling me late at night especially if it is going to aggravate me and I have to go to bed. I’ll end up not sleeping, being furious, calling Aisha to calm me down and not getting any sleep. This doesn’t really sound like something I want to deal with. I just will do what Aisha said to do and listen to what Isadora has to say. I wanted to tell her in my reply that if something is delicate, since she said she wanted to talk about it over the phone than email, she doesn’t have to talk to me about it. I honestly don’t need to know and never did. Aisha said maybe she wants someone to talk to about it now. I just feel that I am only really needed by her when she has something to talk about. I guess she might say it’s the same with me as well. But I don’t make myself unavailable to talk when something is up…

On a positive note I got a call from Mayra, looks like I am quite possibly going to be working this semester too. Which is great! I need the money badly. I’ll find more information out about the semester soon enough, I start class tomorrow.

"Where Is My Mind" by Pixies

Sunday: Looks like I haven’t updated since I had the hair drama, figures.

I feel like so much has gone on yet nothing at the same time. This summer was really interesting I have to say. It went by so quickly, and I feel like all the things I wanted to accomplish I didn’t. I still have yet to have my knee worked on, which isn’t good. I haven’t had any pains in it, but lately I have been having some pain. I don’t think I am on it more than before which would cause it. I would say I am on it an equal amount or a little less. I just don’t want to deal with how it was, where just walking up 3 steps seemed impossible for me to do. I’m more than likely going to have to have it done over the winter, or see how long I’ll be out of commission and do it during the semester.

Months ago Jessica told me that I should just talk to Isadora and get things over with her. I know I was thinking about what happened with her a little to much, as I always do. It was time for me to figure out what happened to lead to her to stop talking to me. I wrote her finally on fb and asked if she wanted to get together and she did. She said she wanted to catch up but when I wrote her back to find out about what it took her a week to get back to me with the excuse of her not being able to read it at work due to being busy. It wasn’t until I texted her and asked her what was up that I got a response. We had to make plans for Tuesday, which I hated since I had to miss a raid over meeting her. I’d rather raid… well when it comes to meeting her anyway since how I felt with the way our friendship has been going. I wanted to go to Tarina on Tuesday since I really don’t go to the city much unless I am in school. So to kill two birds I went to Tarina then to meet her. The train schedule was messed up and I ended up getting to meeting Isadora later than I wanted. She called me while I was in Tarina and when I told her where I was in the city she got all stupid with me saying how I said I would be in midtown and how I was somewhere else. I don’t know, I hate people that don’t listen to me. She told me to go to this place, this restaurant and I had to find directions on my phone real quick and then rushed my ass there since she already was there.

When I found the place she was in the back moving around the remains of her salad with her fork with a half empty class in front of her. She didn’t get up to greet me, but said hello from where she was sitting and obviously was tipsy. I wondered how many drinks she had since it use to take her numerous drinks to get her even buzzed. We sat down and made with the small talk, with random bouts of awkward silence where I just sat there and ate. I had a few drinks due to happy hour and then a beer to keep my buzz going. I felt that this probably would make things easier for me to talk to her about how she has been a shitty friend. It wasn’t until after we ate and discussed things going on in our lives and after I emptied my bladder that I was able to discuss things with her. I asked her why I haven’t heard from her and I could see she expected it, but didn’t. She said a few times that night that “so much has gone on” and “how she had been through a lot” since we last spoke. She wouldn’t say what, but some of the answers she gave me were just so blah. She couldn’t remember exact details, or just really, anything. Jessica warned me this in a joking manner prior to me meeting Isadora though. After the restaurant closed, we took the conversation outside and spoke while tourists snapped pictures with the police. She mentioned how in the past year she has forgotten things and it makes her feel as if she has Alzheimers. I pointed out that when I think of her that’s what I think of, someone with alzheimers, I think of my grandmother with dementia not remembering who I am. I might have a great memory for conversations and small things, but I also think that she remembers what’s important to her. if she feels its not worth remembering she just doesn’t bother. She said that I was at an advantage remembering things where she didn’t. Prior to meeting her, about last week, I made the decision to delete her on facebook. I decided to do this because I feel the trust is missing. Especially if something was so horrible for her to deal with she couldn’t come to me to discuss. But, I cannot make someone do something they don’t want to do nor do I wish to. I ended things with her on a positive note, the same way I ended it with Lissy. She could contact me when she felt she could commit to friendship and not be distant and pull her shit.

I left feeling great, not worrying about things anymore, that I could move on. I was happy with everything and yes I still deleted her… It wasn’t until 3am on Friday that she called me, apologizing for calling me so late but wanting to know why I deleted her. She pointed out how I left things on such a positive note, which I agreed on. To sum up our conversation I told her how yes I did delete her and that it was due to lack of trust, that she lost it with the way she acted. She said that I was being vindictive, and I said that I was so angry the past few months at her for what she did that if it hurt her any way close to how she hurt me that that was the point. She said I was playing games, and I pointed out how she played games with me avoiding me, blocking me on aim and making it so I couldn’t talk to her. She said that we met and that that should count. It seemed to be the running theme, that because she met with me that that should be what matters more than what she did previously. All and all that’s great but it doesn’t make up for things. Apparently she wanted an award for getting back to me, but as I pointed it out it was only until after I texted her that she contacted me. Again this was something that she pointed out that how she got back to me and to look at that more than her not doing anything. I kept saying how she could have come to me if something happened. She could have just said she was dealing with something and she would get back to me when she could. And then I did it. My unique ability to figure things out. To hit the hammer on the head as to why someone is acting a certain way. It wasn’t intentional for me to figure it out, or to say what I said, I was just expressing that I would be understanding no matter what. I said to her that she could have told me she was pregnant, with that she said “I was”, and I continued with and you could have even said you had an abortion and she replied with “I did”. Silence filled the phone only to be broken with muffled sniffles and then her crying. She had to go. Obviously this is what was taking up her time.

It wasn’t until I discussed it with my mother that she said that she probably wasn’t upset with that I was understanding and she didn’t give me a chance, but more embarrassed. I know I won’t know what its like to experience what she went through, but that doesn’t mean I still can’t be sympathetic and supportive.