Sunday: Well I am not ashamed to admit that I am depressed. It started with all the shit with school, the fact its being dragged out this long is not helping. Its not helping me one bit. Jessica said that that day I bumped into Randi I should really take her up on her finding me a therapist, which I certainly can do. There are some things I really don’t feel like getting into with someone new, starting from such a huge high and then going into other things. I wouldn’t say it’s a high, but something monumental? Something I’d say probably might not be received well from the beginning I guess is what you can say, not to start with. I am hoping that tomorrow, Monday, resolves all of my woes. Mainly the shit with school, but I have a feeling it won’t be. I don’t think the head of psych will really know what to tell me. Maybe sit there with his thumb up his ass and stare at me drooling on himself. I think that is more of what will happen. Then again who knows, he could know something I don’t and I am blown the fuck away. But I think the first of what I said is more likely to be what will transpire in that small room.
I am reminded of the quote inside of the short story “Guts” in the story “Haunted” by Chuck Palaniuk when the leak started near my desktop. “I need a hole in my head like I need teeth in my asshole.” That sums it up right there, something else I definitely do not need on top of the other shit. Though one of the few things I’m dealing with is my fault, and I am aware, I just need to resolve it fast. As for the leak its in such an awkward place that I am just afraid of the plumber moving the desk with the computer on it. It’s old and needs to be replaced like now. Which my family knows and we are looking into moving the computer to another location in the house. that is definitely going to take some getting use to.
I think everyone is dealing with something stressful honestly, Bessy is dealing with this guy she literally just started to date who decided to take another girl the next day to the bar Bessy works at. And pretty much just be stupid with her and make out with her, though we don’t know how true that is. Jessica is dealing with something really horrid. Her family has been taking care of this little annoying dog for about 7 years, which is their neighbors. The family is quite attached to it and its not doing so well. So instead of having it put down due to whatever is wrong with it, they are dragging this poor thing around to different vets. The owner keeps dropping it off at her family’s house. Jessica is really upset with this and I don’t blame her honestly, I think that the dog needs to be put down and they are just making it suffer. Every day is bringing something new. Not to mention the crap she is dealing with with this new guy she is dating. Whether its something she needs to discuss with him further on their communicating or this is just him she needs to figure out what to do. I think she wants to move on from dating the bird and thinking of him so whatever does that for her she’ll do. I really think she needs a break from everything but she won’t listen to me and will do what she wants. So just have to leave her be.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
"Rivière" by Deftones
Wednesday: Today didn’t go the way I really expected it to, and it started last night with me passing out and not taking a shower. I got up this morning and was running late, I also didn’t care that I was. I feel horrible cause I keep making plans with Karen to hang out and talk about the shit at school. She wrote me on fb and pretty much said that we suck at meeting and gave me her number, funny thing is I have had it… seems to happen a lot where I have people’s numbers but don’t actually use them. My meeting with the head of psych got canceled due to him being sick. It was really windy today, I think he is made of sand and was afraid of getting blown away. I tried to make an appointment with him, but he said he isn’t free… which is fucking fabulous cause I am dragging this shit out he is only free next week Monday or Tuesday the earliest. Ugh so I tried to get in contact with the head of anthro so I could ask him what he thought but he was out to a meeting.
I got myself into a real jam though with this tattoo artist. I went with Milly to see Chris and got lost in the process. The area did not look familiar like last time, but it was just due to the area. Apparently if you come from one direction its walking through Chinatown and the other direction is the ghetto. When I got to the shop, I had to wait for Chris to take a break from his current client and see me. He did not remember my name even though I just wrote him a day ago. He kept insisting my name was Jason, I had to clear it up that it isn’t. I also had to do that a few times because he has the memory of someone suffering from Alzheimer’s or Amnesia. I gave him the design I was interested in and told him what I wanted, also showed him the location. I left him a deposit of $80 and wanted to set things up for a specific date, but he couldn’t. So I just made it for a Wednesday as much as I didn’t want to. The thing that caused me to be so uneasy right now, is the question I should have asked as soon as I walked in the door. “What is your hourly rate?”, but I asked him last as I was leaving. He told me that for 3 hours it comes to $500, about $160 an hour. So not what I paid last time and I told him that. he said it was due to being at another shop, meaning Hand of Glory. But that’s not true, since I came to him in the city and it wasn’t that much when he had to finish what he started on my arm. So I said alright and left only to think about it, and regret leaving a deposit. When I spoke about it to Milly it had me thinking… so when I was taking the train home instead of getting off my stop to go home I just stayed and went to HOG instead. I called Mike and he said it was to much money and that I should see if Chris would be up for negotiating lowering the price. Especially since I would have to go for 2 sessions and I don’t feel like spending $1,000 on something the size of my fist when I have spent that much for a half sleeve. So I went to HOG and asked them if they could tell me which artist did the design, which I had saved on my phone. They told me his name, his rate is $125 and he will be in tomorrow. So I’m going to call him tomorrow before I hang out with Bessy before her date. I feel horrible though canceling this with Chris since I wanted to get it done by him, but it’s probably better for me to get it done by the person that originally designed the design instead of someone else. I just feel like, asking for my money back is going to cause shit. I am going to just have to explain that I wasn’t expecting to pay that much and that if I get this done I will not have the money to finish this tattoo any time soon, nor start on the one on my side. Hopefully he understands…
I got myself into a real jam though with this tattoo artist. I went with Milly to see Chris and got lost in the process. The area did not look familiar like last time, but it was just due to the area. Apparently if you come from one direction its walking through Chinatown and the other direction is the ghetto. When I got to the shop, I had to wait for Chris to take a break from his current client and see me. He did not remember my name even though I just wrote him a day ago. He kept insisting my name was Jason, I had to clear it up that it isn’t. I also had to do that a few times because he has the memory of someone suffering from Alzheimer’s or Amnesia. I gave him the design I was interested in and told him what I wanted, also showed him the location. I left him a deposit of $80 and wanted to set things up for a specific date, but he couldn’t. So I just made it for a Wednesday as much as I didn’t want to. The thing that caused me to be so uneasy right now, is the question I should have asked as soon as I walked in the door. “What is your hourly rate?”, but I asked him last as I was leaving. He told me that for 3 hours it comes to $500, about $160 an hour. So not what I paid last time and I told him that. he said it was due to being at another shop, meaning Hand of Glory. But that’s not true, since I came to him in the city and it wasn’t that much when he had to finish what he started on my arm. So I said alright and left only to think about it, and regret leaving a deposit. When I spoke about it to Milly it had me thinking… so when I was taking the train home instead of getting off my stop to go home I just stayed and went to HOG instead. I called Mike and he said it was to much money and that I should see if Chris would be up for negotiating lowering the price. Especially since I would have to go for 2 sessions and I don’t feel like spending $1,000 on something the size of my fist when I have spent that much for a half sleeve. So I went to HOG and asked them if they could tell me which artist did the design, which I had saved on my phone. They told me his name, his rate is $125 and he will be in tomorrow. So I’m going to call him tomorrow before I hang out with Bessy before her date. I feel horrible though canceling this with Chris since I wanted to get it done by him, but it’s probably better for me to get it done by the person that originally designed the design instead of someone else. I just feel like, asking for my money back is going to cause shit. I am going to just have to explain that I wasn’t expecting to pay that much and that if I get this done I will not have the money to finish this tattoo any time soon, nor start on the one on my side. Hopefully he understands…
"Walking In My Shoes" by Depeche Mode
Tuesday: So I am dealing with major drama at school. I don’t even know if major is the right word… it all started last week when I found out that I needed to take 5 credits to graduate, when I was told that I didn’t. So I called the woman in registration from the office phone, since this all happened while I was at work. Turns out in this one section of the degree requirements I need one more class. Thing is I have taken 2 they are only accepting one she says. So fine I go to look for another class only to find I have actually have taken 3. So I called this Mrs. Pringles woman back and probably made her hate her phone by the end of the day. Or hate me, either way I called her a lot. So ask about the other courses and she gave me some bullshit answer saying my first degree is closed and I can’t take anything for that and how nothing will transfer. Okay so whatever, I look up all the other classes and they are at ungodly times. So there has to be a way to get around this. Pringleiscious isn’t helping me much so I need to talk to the head of psych to figure out wtf is up. Karla then met me right after and it old her all of this bullshit. They are actually doing something stupid with her as well where they before accepted her credit for science and now they aren’t. Great school huh? Pulling shit last minute to keep you there longer. I want to progress to another degree not be working on this fucking degree until my ball hair is down to my knees and whiter than virgin snow. I got the phone number and email for the head of psych and set out to email her on Sunday…
After having a great day of shopping with Jessica I went to email the psych head. She actually wrote me back later on Sunday night or Monday, and informed me she stepped down and got me in contact with the new guy that took over. I already know he won’t have a clue as to wtf is going on with me since I seem to be an entity of its own. In trying to see if I can do a course substitution since I have problems with the other courses I asked Brett about the course he is offering that coincides with the research project on women’s centers and he said it would probably not help me. So I asked about his other class he said that I need the prerequisite. I mentioned I took sex and culture he wasn’t sure if that helped so I was off to see Dr. Trinch to ask. She wasn’t in and I don’t know her hours, and the stupid secretary that took over for Gwen wasn’t there. She probably fell over with her gimp leg and was on her back rolling around like a turtle. So I went back to the office to tell Mayra only to find out that Dr. Murry walked in the office and stole my diet gingerale. I was ready to beat her down but just stormed out pissed and got a drink. Mayra told her what she did and she gave me money for taking my drink and apologized. She said as a peace offering she would offer me the other things in the fridge the other sodas, funny thing is one she offered me was already mine… I went back to see if Dr. Trinch was back, she wasn’t, nor was gimp the secretary. Mayra pointed out how I should go to the head’s office and ask him, so I did. Best thing I could have done really.
Ric offered to help me and has shown me that he really wants to help. He doesn’t find what I am going through fair and will do what he can. He told me today to write a letter and he sent it to someone in the registrars to see what they have to say. Hopefully with doing this first before talking to the new head of psych I can see what can be done. As I told Anna some of the stuff going on she said its great I can have a head of a department to advocate for me. If I can get two its even better, but I won’t count my chickens.
As for her class I worry, she is still suffering from health issues and doesn’t know what’s going on. I wonder if she might let up or be lenient with grades. I am hoping so.
After having a great day of shopping with Jessica I went to email the psych head. She actually wrote me back later on Sunday night or Monday, and informed me she stepped down and got me in contact with the new guy that took over. I already know he won’t have a clue as to wtf is going on with me since I seem to be an entity of its own. In trying to see if I can do a course substitution since I have problems with the other courses I asked Brett about the course he is offering that coincides with the research project on women’s centers and he said it would probably not help me. So I asked about his other class he said that I need the prerequisite. I mentioned I took sex and culture he wasn’t sure if that helped so I was off to see Dr. Trinch to ask. She wasn’t in and I don’t know her hours, and the stupid secretary that took over for Gwen wasn’t there. She probably fell over with her gimp leg and was on her back rolling around like a turtle. So I went back to the office to tell Mayra only to find out that Dr. Murry walked in the office and stole my diet gingerale. I was ready to beat her down but just stormed out pissed and got a drink. Mayra told her what she did and she gave me money for taking my drink and apologized. She said as a peace offering she would offer me the other things in the fridge the other sodas, funny thing is one she offered me was already mine… I went back to see if Dr. Trinch was back, she wasn’t, nor was gimp the secretary. Mayra pointed out how I should go to the head’s office and ask him, so I did. Best thing I could have done really.
Ric offered to help me and has shown me that he really wants to help. He doesn’t find what I am going through fair and will do what he can. He told me today to write a letter and he sent it to someone in the registrars to see what they have to say. Hopefully with doing this first before talking to the new head of psych I can see what can be done. As I told Anna some of the stuff going on she said its great I can have a head of a department to advocate for me. If I can get two its even better, but I won’t count my chickens.
As for her class I worry, she is still suffering from health issues and doesn’t know what’s going on. I wonder if she might let up or be lenient with grades. I am hoping so.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
"Beat Your Heartbeat" by The Kissaway Trail
Sunday: Jessica came over last night which she said she never was over my house before. She wanted to go to Starbucks to work on her paper, and I work on mine. She just didn’t want to have to deal with distraction like she would deal with at home. I felt I wouldn’t get anything done at Starbucks so I just said, come over. I’d say it worked out really well and it’s something I would do again. It helped with bouncing ideas off of each other, to see what sounded right. She ended up with 5 pages, I with 1. Not saying I didn’t do any work, it took me a while to figure out what I wanted to say using a previous paper as a model. She was writing about herself as a personal statement.
I spent my day, starting from my shower to when I went out, thinking about what has been on my mind bothering me in regards to making friends. I find it horribly funny how I am worrying about this, someone who never had to. Aisha called me last night and I wanted to talk to her so badly, and discuss things with her but I have Jes over and couldn’t. More so because my parents were there. Today I texted her and said that maybe we can talk on gtalk. It’s not the same as a call, but at least I’d have privacy. I was thinking about what I would be looking for in finding new friends, a wish list. But I don’t want it to seem like I’m being picky. Some things I know I am looking at based off of previous experience, but I have to keep in mind people do not come with warning labels. The first thing on my list would have to be they would have to be accepting of me for who I am and the choices I have made in life. Thinking about the way I just phrased that makes me feel like I am a junkie… Next I obviously don’t care about their sexual orientation for obvious reasons. I don’t care about ethnicity, and as for age i would say 10 years is fine. Anything more than that is to much and even with 10 it seems like a lot. I would like to be able to talk to them and relate to things and not have to deal with the age gap. Mutual interests would obviously be a huge plus, can’t really have a friendship with someone when they don’t like things you are into. Lastly they can be attractive, or mildly but I know what that causes with me and I don’t really want to have a friendship where looks play a hand in things.
This matter has me contemplating therapy again. Makes me miss Randi, even if she did fall asleep a few times and sometimes I felt like her as a resource was exhausted.
I spent my day, starting from my shower to when I went out, thinking about what has been on my mind bothering me in regards to making friends. I find it horribly funny how I am worrying about this, someone who never had to. Aisha called me last night and I wanted to talk to her so badly, and discuss things with her but I have Jes over and couldn’t. More so because my parents were there. Today I texted her and said that maybe we can talk on gtalk. It’s not the same as a call, but at least I’d have privacy. I was thinking about what I would be looking for in finding new friends, a wish list. But I don’t want it to seem like I’m being picky. Some things I know I am looking at based off of previous experience, but I have to keep in mind people do not come with warning labels. The first thing on my list would have to be they would have to be accepting of me for who I am and the choices I have made in life. Thinking about the way I just phrased that makes me feel like I am a junkie… Next I obviously don’t care about their sexual orientation for obvious reasons. I don’t care about ethnicity, and as for age i would say 10 years is fine. Anything more than that is to much and even with 10 it seems like a lot. I would like to be able to talk to them and relate to things and not have to deal with the age gap. Mutual interests would obviously be a huge plus, can’t really have a friendship with someone when they don’t like things you are into. Lastly they can be attractive, or mildly but I know what that causes with me and I don’t really want to have a friendship where looks play a hand in things.
This matter has me contemplating therapy again. Makes me miss Randi, even if she did fall asleep a few times and sometimes I felt like her as a resource was exhausted.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
"All The Kings Men" by Wild Beasts
]Friday: The conversations I have been having with Jessica have been followed with some self reflection lately. Today, after getting into work and waiting for the office to be clear I called Jessica. I was supposed to work on my paper, but after having some difficulty with one journal article I just lost interest. Hopefully I can get it taken care of this weekend. Well I have to get it done, its due Tuesday night. I spoke to her about friends and she pointed out to me that if I knew I didn’t have many guy friends I should have worked on that when I started going to college. When I first started going to college I thought that the friends I made in highschool would continue to talk to me. Most do, but they aren’t all living in the same state. I guess a lot of us didn’t realize that that was what was going to happen with us. When I started college I also had guy friends, 3 actually: Basem, Jose, and Rich. As I explained to Jessica, Rich got annoyed cause I didn’t like his girlfriend, she came off with an attitude when I met her, Jose left the school since his gpa literally stayed at 0, and Basem just moved on with college and whatever. Since then, I met James but like I stated in my pervious entry he doesn’t live near by so it makes things difficult to hang out. She was trying to think of places to go to meet people and she said gyms and we agreed that that wasn’t a great place and bars aren’t a good place for meeting anyone. When I pointed out that that is the reason why I wanted to become friends with her friend John we discussed that it might not work due to our interests. I don’t think we have the same ones, other than drinking and I value my liver. I mentioned the movie “I Love You Man” and the man dates to her, and she said maybe I should consider that, but it was a joke. I forget what it was we exactly got into but basically it was a point of the conversation that we got to where she said that she knows that a problem I might have with making guy friends is that some might not want to be friends with someone that has the lifestyle that I have. This is something else that I have kept in mind and also sucks. Maybe this is why I am so reserved with things even with my girl friends. I just feel that it isn’t something I need to discuss with people other than with those I am close with.
On a side note, still not use to staring at a screen with dead pixels and pixel distortion on the sides.
On a side note, still not use to staring at a screen with dead pixels and pixel distortion on the sides.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
"Bloody Cape" by Deftones
Thursday: I keep forgetting to see Seth, the professor that owes me money for designing the poster for Orestes for him. I realized of course now, that I should have seen him today since we got paid. If I remember tomorrow I can ask him. I keep forgetting to put it in my calendar on my phone to remind me. So the day will end and I’ll be remembering to late, or remember at school and its the wrong day.
I’ve been trying to read for class and lately I have been having issues. Maybe I’m just not use to reading notes on a Kindle yet, or the material is just not gripping enough to hold my attention. I find myself reading and being bored, so I fall asleep while reading. When I get myself together and continue I then end up focusing on the words more than the content so I am just left with empty words without meaning. I spoke to Anna about this since I am taking quizzes and find myself now worrying about my grades. She said I could write 1 page responses to the readings and she’ll accept that. I’m grateful, I just need to set time aside for that so I can do it and submit it to her. So I really just need to get through the readings and then submit it to her after class. Hopefully this works out better than taking those quizzes, I don’t think I would have many opportunities like this, like she offered, from many other professors at the school
At least she is understanding…
I was reflecting on some things Jessica and I were discussing previously, on various occasions. How I really need some guy friends. I don’t know why its easier for me to talk to girls and develop friendships with them. It has worked out great with some friends, and has been a mess with others. I think of how when I was in therapy Randi pointed out how I had so many friends and that I didn’t need people like Isadora in my life to cause me grief. When I thought of my friends then, I felt she was right; looking at things now I don’t think I feel the same way. Yeah I have some strong friendships with Jessica and Aisha, but at times I feel like that’s it. I rarely hear from Patrice. She makes an effort now to keep in contact through texts, but then those dwindle and I don’t hear anything. When I think of other friendships, like my relationship for example, I find it to just be in a different category. I would really like to feel that he is my best friend and more, but I don’t feel it. After 5 years you think you’d feel something like that. I look at the male friends and currently, I don’t have many. I might on facebook but just because they are there, doesn’t mean much. People from high school now littered in states not close by making it different to really have any bond more than just maybe text on a screen somewhere. Anthony was close by, but that was a mess. I felt that friendship wasn’t mutual in the sense where there was a give and take. Actually I think there was a give and take of just each other’s company and the enjoyment of that. There wasn’t any “hey I have a problem” and the other helping the other out. Plus his mother was overbearing and the friendship I wanted with him, I had in her. It wasn’t conducive and just didn’t seem ethically right. My friendship with Adu sucks. I was so close with him in high school and then as we started college I did what I could to hold on to that, even after. But he’s in Africa now just because his family has property in Ghana and its cheaper. The cost of living is really cheap there, unlike here which is very attractive to someone that doesn’t have a job and wants security in life. The only other male friend that I have is Joseph. I rarely ever get to see him though, just because he is far. If he were closer, I would make an effort to spend more time with him. The only time I really see him is on my birthday since it’s a trek out here from where he is. Working in the lab I met Dontay and as I explained all this to Jessica, I would develop a friendship with him but I don’t. Just because he is planning on moving out of the country to go to school and then live. He doesn’t want to stay in the U.S. anymore. So even if I were to develop something with him, I would be back where I am now. Of course I meet some women at work and I become friends with them in a heartbeat and the friends from last semester’s classes I’m friends with. It makes me wonder what signals am I sending out that is making me only attract women as friends.
Thinking of this makes me think of the movie “I Love You Man” where he has all these women friends and needs a guy friend. I feel like I’m going to resort to man dates to find someone. The problem with my major is that its predominately all women. I think that is also a problem with me meeting people that don’t have vaginas. I think I need to spend less time thinking about this, though it’s constantly on my mind because it’s a fact. I don’t know what to do to change it, as of now…
I’ve been trying to read for class and lately I have been having issues. Maybe I’m just not use to reading notes on a Kindle yet, or the material is just not gripping enough to hold my attention. I find myself reading and being bored, so I fall asleep while reading. When I get myself together and continue I then end up focusing on the words more than the content so I am just left with empty words without meaning. I spoke to Anna about this since I am taking quizzes and find myself now worrying about my grades. She said I could write 1 page responses to the readings and she’ll accept that. I’m grateful, I just need to set time aside for that so I can do it and submit it to her. So I really just need to get through the readings and then submit it to her after class. Hopefully this works out better than taking those quizzes, I don’t think I would have many opportunities like this, like she offered, from many other professors at the school
At least she is understanding…
I was reflecting on some things Jessica and I were discussing previously, on various occasions. How I really need some guy friends. I don’t know why its easier for me to talk to girls and develop friendships with them. It has worked out great with some friends, and has been a mess with others. I think of how when I was in therapy Randi pointed out how I had so many friends and that I didn’t need people like Isadora in my life to cause me grief. When I thought of my friends then, I felt she was right; looking at things now I don’t think I feel the same way. Yeah I have some strong friendships with Jessica and Aisha, but at times I feel like that’s it. I rarely hear from Patrice. She makes an effort now to keep in contact through texts, but then those dwindle and I don’t hear anything. When I think of other friendships, like my relationship for example, I find it to just be in a different category. I would really like to feel that he is my best friend and more, but I don’t feel it. After 5 years you think you’d feel something like that. I look at the male friends and currently, I don’t have many. I might on facebook but just because they are there, doesn’t mean much. People from high school now littered in states not close by making it different to really have any bond more than just maybe text on a screen somewhere. Anthony was close by, but that was a mess. I felt that friendship wasn’t mutual in the sense where there was a give and take. Actually I think there was a give and take of just each other’s company and the enjoyment of that. There wasn’t any “hey I have a problem” and the other helping the other out. Plus his mother was overbearing and the friendship I wanted with him, I had in her. It wasn’t conducive and just didn’t seem ethically right. My friendship with Adu sucks. I was so close with him in high school and then as we started college I did what I could to hold on to that, even after. But he’s in Africa now just because his family has property in Ghana and its cheaper. The cost of living is really cheap there, unlike here which is very attractive to someone that doesn’t have a job and wants security in life. The only other male friend that I have is Joseph. I rarely ever get to see him though, just because he is far. If he were closer, I would make an effort to spend more time with him. The only time I really see him is on my birthday since it’s a trek out here from where he is. Working in the lab I met Dontay and as I explained all this to Jessica, I would develop a friendship with him but I don’t. Just because he is planning on moving out of the country to go to school and then live. He doesn’t want to stay in the U.S. anymore. So even if I were to develop something with him, I would be back where I am now. Of course I meet some women at work and I become friends with them in a heartbeat and the friends from last semester’s classes I’m friends with. It makes me wonder what signals am I sending out that is making me only attract women as friends.
Thinking of this makes me think of the movie “I Love You Man” where he has all these women friends and needs a guy friend. I feel like I’m going to resort to man dates to find someone. The problem with my major is that its predominately all women. I think that is also a problem with me meeting people that don’t have vaginas. I think I need to spend less time thinking about this, though it’s constantly on my mind because it’s a fact. I don’t know what to do to change it, as of now…
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