"New Moon" by Bear in Heaven

I really wish there was a way to turn off my mind that or yell up to the heavens and ask for all these things that are distracting me to go away. They can bother me when this damn test is over. Or never. Never works for me. I don't need anything taking up my mental space filling it with crap to think of from work, to social relations. I feel like everything is a distraction. If I look at Facebook the crap there is a distraction to make me think about things. It's like shit should I just not go on and post or anything? Just kinda fizzle out until this is over? But what about the work crap. I can't ignore that as much as I'd like. I hate how some things there jus confuse me. It makes me feel like such an idiot and when people have to really explain things they wonder how I'm even able to function. Maybe if things were explained better to me at the appropriate time I won't have my head explode. It doesn't help that human resources doesn't explain things until the last minute or assume I know things. Don't they know what happens when you assume?

I haven't really spent time with Mike which I don't know if that is good or bad. He is dealing with financial issues and also working to try to make up for it. On top of that he has to take care of his car and registration. He can't drive around until that is resolved which also adds to me not seeing him. I saw him yesterday which was the first in I think a month. He lost some weight which he said is due to not having money to buy food, not really comforting. His school was having a film festival and he was nominated and won for editing which he was shocked about. I could feel how anxious he was waiting and how his heart was racing. I could feel it though he was sitting next to me. He won software worth 3,000. Pro editing software not to say that final cut isn't but getting avid and pro tools for free makes it a bigger deal. We had a good time and then I was off to home. I wasn't in the mood to really do exercise last night it was late and then I felt like crap after so I went to bed.

My mother is having issues with her wrist on the hand that is swollen. She is in pain and my father seems to just add to the mess. I told her I didn't want to be home and then not have time to study and she promised that wouldn't happen yet I am not seeing that not happen.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

"Give In" by The Bravery

I'm finding it difficult to take time to stud, and when I do find time I get distracted easily. It's rather frustrating honestly since I know it's something I have to do and then can't due to something else taking up my thoughts. Yesterday things would have worked out better if the minister wasn't in the yard being a dick torturing the cats. He doesn't want them in his hard, even though they don't stay in his yard very long. I didn't go outside to see what he was doing, it sounded as if he was shaking something or banging a pole against something. The sound it made was irritating and I filled my bull horn with air, but my mother pointed out blowing the horn will only chase the cats from our hard out and at least if they are in ours they are safe from him. He has done horrible things before like thrown rocks and hurt them so this isn't something new. I wish we could get him on film doing what he does and then put it on YouTube. There was a video a whole ago of some woman putting a cat in a garbage pale in England I think that what he is doing is far worse and people should see what this "minister" is doing.

But, as I was pointing out, this was taking up my mind. Thinking about going into the hard and yelling at him asking him to stop making distracting noises. Yes I could have closed my hard door and it would have muffled his stupidity. It just didn't help it was so warm out, so the now cooling night air was welcome in the house and as a consequence so was the sound he was making.

I thought of when I had that testing done at school to see if I did have ADD. I don't, but a report was written up that the school offered to give to any therapist I was seeing at my request. I am thinking tomorrow I may call and tell them to send it to Joanne. Maybe it will help with me focusing.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

"Control" by Garbage

To my surprise, I apparently can work for free. Okay well there is a reason for this. I have enough sick and annual leave combined to equal about a month and a week. If I don't use it I will lose it. It would be great to just be home and stuff for this stupid GRE and not have to stress about going not work trying to study there and then being upset that I didn't. When I was telling Mobruka I regretted it. She said she was upset because if she had the same deal with this time she can't use it since the semester for her is over. She told me that since there are days I came in late I should put that time there to use it. I really don't want to do that since I said already I was there on time. Now I'm going to go and say "oh yeah I lied now I am going to use this to make up for it." No thank you. When I tried to explain it to Seth, the head of the dept, he pretty much didn't hear me or acted like he didn't. He was saying since the lab is quiet now that I can work for their secretary, or two profs depending on if they need me. If not I can sit in the office in the dept and help people if they come in. This time I have is vacation time, as Joanne put it why would I work on my vacation? She suggested that I talk to him again the next time I see him and explain the situation. My biggest fear of being home and trying to study is that I won't get any studying done.

At least during my train rides home I can learn some vocabulary thanks to the apps I have on my phone and iPod. I tend to remember the meaning but not the word which doesn't help me much then again who knows. I feel like whenever I need I need to study for this test something comes up. Always something at home to prevent me. I don't want to jump to conclusions and for all I know my mother will respect that I am trying to study and only ask me for something if she really needs it. I just wonder how much my father is going to do to help her so I am not needed.

Jessica has been helping me with grocery shopping and my mother really does appreciate it. She wasn't in the mood yesterday which is understandable she had a horrible week. I wasn't pressuring her though today she really just pissed me off. I'm trying to not let it get to me. I feel that the things Joanne tells me I really try to think of it when I am not in her presence. Don't let things bother you... Easier said than done. Everything is easier said than done for example when you are anxious or nervous, just relax. If it were that easy there wouldn't be medication to help with that. We are going out tonight, which seems to be the norm since Mike is still unable to drive his car due to its inspection. She asked me about grocery shopping after dinner which to me translated to an early dinner or rushed and then shop and that's the end of the night. I have one day out of the week I don't have to stress about work or anything why can't I enjoy it? I understand she volunteers at the zoom, which I find to be something that eats up time she can have for herself instead of just giving herself one day to rest. So I know she is tired and will want to crash after a long day but it's like you an cut this out of your life it is not helping you in any way with your professional career. So I told her I wanted to enjoy myself and go out which led her to pretty much mention there is a grocery store in the area and I just point out we can do that when we call it a night. She kept going on mentioning grocery stories and finally asked if my mother had along list. I told her that I didn't fucking know and she then shut up. I went to tell my mother and I regret that I did. She was in the shower and telling her about Jessica irritating me led her to cry. She apologized for getting sick, as if it is her fault when it is not. I started to yell saying I wasn't blaming her I was telling her about Jessica being an asshole and she stopped and said that she understood. I am sure there are times when I unintentionally come off annoyed and make her upset, I know my father does a great job of it which leads my mother to say how she is sorry she got sick. She has gone off on my father about it.

She would bing up how we rushed him to the hospital a few times and how we took care of him. It's like he forgets all of this or says we didn't. I don't know if he really did forget due to the delirium he was in at the time. But he just seems so ungrateful and ends up dumping things on me. Recently my mother and I were talking and said in unison "why do things always have to be on me?" so I guess she feels the same way I do when it comes to my father who feels like he does everything. As Joanne put it, since my father does things and when he does them wrong we reprimand him he then doesn't want to do anything. So it could be the reason why he then chooses to do nothing and sleep...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

"This House Is Not A Home" by The Charlatans

My session with Joanne was interesting this week, but then again I usually say that when I leave. She gives me a lot to think about for when I leave. Unlike Felicia which gave me things to think about while I was there. I know each therapist has their own approach to things, I just need to get use to this method. I know it bugs me that she spends time talking about my father. Asking me how things are with him. I asked her about it expressing how it isn't a topic that I really care to discuss honestly. She said that the reason she discusses him is based off of our first session, where I expressed my frustration with him. So that led her to ask me about him. One thing that stands out that she said was that since she sees me and not him, and also based on his age, who is the one that more than likely be able to change? Him or me? Presented with this I see her point. I would be the one that would have to change, not him.
I told her about how I am trying to get this damn grad school application completed. How this personal statement is haunting me. Anna has been helping me and I realize she has other priorities to worry about so she doesn't get back to me as quickly as I would like at times. This thing is due on tuesday well that is the last day I can submit. I want this done and ready to be sent in by Monday the latest. I am hoping to work on everything tomorrow wrap things up. There was information I needed from Brett that Anna inquired about so I could include the research I am doing in a little better detail than I already presented. Of course Brett answered me back in the most vague manner possible. If he replied and said "I like grapes" I think it would have given me more to work with than what he had given. Ugh I had to scour through old emails so I could call his ass and ask him for the information, but at least I got it.  I have a final version I'm just waiting for the okay from Anna. I am just worried they will do a word count and see it's two words short of 250 and they will toss it.
Today I didn't do anything. I waited on Jessica to get back to me so that I could go out to dinner with her. I was trying to work on my personal statement to get it in order and my parents were up my ass. I was getting really heated over it too which didn't help at all. I hate being nasty to my mother, while my father deserves it for being a douche big enough to clean a whale's vagina. I also didn't charge my phone last night which is great on my part. Jessica was bombarding me with texts to the point I had to shut my phone off and let it charge. She ended up calling my house and I pointed out my phone died, though I lied. When we went out I wanted to go to Brooklyn Industries and get my mother something for Mother's day. I got her three shirts I think she would appreciate. I didn't know what else to get her honestly.  I was going to go to get her something from The Great Frog, but the ideas I presented her were not well received. So I just had to think of something. I didn't make my decision to go to Brooklyn Industries until I checked my email and saw the Mother's day sale.
I had a good time out with Jessica, though it pissed me off that she gets tired easily. And that she wears unsenseible shoes that make her feet hurt, so she doesn't want to walk after dinner, which I like to do. She was telling me some stuff about the current guy she is seeing. The more I hear about him, the more I feel like she is dating me and talking about me. Him and I have to many things in common, so far I can only imagine what else there is. She didn't see it and I shouldn't have said anything because I feel that she will start to notice things more now that I pointed it out to her. He seems like a really great guy too, unlike the other bags of dicks she dated before.
When I got home my mother wanted to soak her leg to help with the vasculitus that formed thanks other being off the synthroid for a month. She told me how my father made her sit on the couch for three hours and didn't bring her water. She asked him and he kept asking for more time to nap which evolved into three hours. Hearing how he doesn't do anything only frustrated me more. I was talking about it all with my mother and going by what Joanne said, how am I supposed to change? The only options I can logically think of are: 1. I just take on the role of everything and just do everything or 2. I leave as in work or move. Then that leaves my mother to deal without his shit where she is neglected. My mother pointed out to my father how when he is sick how she does everything for him and how when she is sick he leaves her. It really angers the shit out of me. I want to discuss this in therapy but honestly what can she say? I would like to know because her saying that I am the one that has to change doesn't make anything happen. How am I supposed to change in this situation? Do I not let it bother me? It's my mother so of course it is going to continue and bother me. Saying something to him is completely useless because then he becomes an asshole and won't listen even more. I guess I'll have to deal with it on friday when I see her.

"New Moon" by Bear in Heaven

I have to say my stress level is quite high lately. Between stress over my mother's health, and my own personal things it is adding up.

In regards to my mother, the situation with her and the thyroid cancer is resolved. When she met with Dr. Westfried, she found out that taking that radioactive pill was not necessary. Apparently when it comes down to treatment there are two options; taking a radioactive pill to burn out the cancer or having your thyroid surgically removed. I don't know why they made my mother do both. It isn't like the cancer was spreading, it was all contained in that area. Since she was off the synthroid for so long, it started to take a tole on her body. She has sores on her legs that are due to her body retaining water. She also gained a bunch of weight. She will lose all of it of course, after being back on the medication. She just started it so it will take a while for things to regulate.

Adding to her stress are the tenants upstairs. The ones on the third floor have been rather quiet. It pretty much has been just the people on the second floor adding to her grief. And to be even more specific, the woman on the second floor's youngest son. One morning, I went to sleep early in the morning and was awoken a few hours after by the police arriving at the house to arrest the son. He got into a scuffle with his brother and created a mess. Since no one pressed any charges he was detained for only 24 hours. My mother said that if something else happened she would go to the lawyer. She just wanted to wait until she felt better before she did that. Then the son started to climb in the window on the second floor which totally aggravated my parents. when my mother brought this to the attention of his mother she kept defending him and saying she didn't think he was doing it and how she didn't know how he could climb in the window. My mother explained that people in the neighborhood contacted her to tell her about him climbing in and how she had seen him, and so did my father. His mother still didn't believe it. Her son contacted my mother shortly after to apologize and say it wouldn't happen again. He claims that the husband on the third floor came to answer the door when he rang the bell asking him to let him in. He wouldn't let him and said how my mother didn't want him there anymore. This is all true, she never told Tony on the third floor to police the house. So to stop all this window climbing shit, my mother had bars installed on the windows yesterday. Well that window anyway, that should stop him unless he can turn into liquid or vapor to travel through the bars.

On my side I am trying to get my graduate application in. It is due the 15th of this month and the only things I have left are my personal statement and my GRE score. I also need to update my resume. I am taking a course on the GRE May 20th to mid July. When I finish I will take that horrid test and hopefully I will have everything they need. I hope that I have everything they will need for the program so I can get in. I am excited. I hope it all works out.

Also excited to see Bear in Heaven tonight and tomorrow.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad