"Rococo" by Arcade Fire

Wednesday: This whole situation with school really has me down. I really don’t know what else to say about it because it really sucks. I am forced to sit and just wait for people to get back to me. It makes me really hate being there, and the fact that the lab won’t be there next semester and I won’t have a job makes me not want to be there either. Registration is almost over, well I honestly don’t know its just blah. The classes I probably would need are more than likely full and since I am not getting clear answers I don’t know what to do. Dr. Lanzone said to register for classes and if I don’t need them to just then drop them but I don’t know what to take which is the problem. I don’t really have a clear set as to knowing I need to take xyz and then I could just do what she said. Its more like just up in the air. This guy in registration did not get back to the head of anthro yet, I have been checking my mail and have yet to see a response. I need to see the head of anthro anyway to ask questions about the A.T.I. drug treatment programs for research, I just haven’t been in the mood. Yeah I’m depressed and I am not ashamed to admit to it. I wish I could get an answer soon. In hopes to get some sort of relief I tried to make an appointment with the head of counseling to see if she could help but I have yet ot hear back from her. I have a feeling she isn’t in a lot since she is pregnant. I am going to try to go tomorrow and see if I can get someone to help me.

This week blew by and I have yet to find any answers. Only answers I did get back were, no you aren’t getting the deposit back for coming in and scheduling for a tattoo and no I am not going to be working, more than likely, in that lab next semester. Friday I am still going for this tattoo by this new artist, though the design he kinda “finalized” on I am not a big fan of. He changed some things based off of what I said and I don’t really like the changes. I am sure I’ll hear from him tomorrow about it and hopefully we can figure something out. I am hoping dinner with Cathy and Lara is still on, it would be nice to see them and to relax before I have to start this huge paper for Anna and finish it. I was hoping she’d change it due ot her not feeling well, only is more work for her. And more work for me…

"The Outsider [Frosted Yogurt Mix]" by A Perfect Circle

Sunday: Well I am not ashamed to admit that I am depressed. It started with all the shit with school, the fact its being dragged out this long is not helping. Its not helping me one bit. Jessica said that that day I bumped into Randi I should really take her up on her finding me a therapist, which I certainly can do. There are some things I really don’t feel like getting into with someone new, starting from such a huge high and then going into other things. I wouldn’t say it’s a high, but something monumental? Something I’d say probably might not be received well from the beginning I guess is what you can say, not to start with. I am hoping that tomorrow, Monday, resolves all of my woes. Mainly the shit with school, but I have a feeling it won’t be. I don’t think the head of psych will really know what to tell me. Maybe sit there with his thumb up his ass and stare at me drooling on himself. I think that is more of what will happen. Then again who knows, he could know something I don’t and I am blown the fuck away. But I think the first of what I said is more likely to be what will transpire in that small room.

I am reminded of the quote inside of the short story “Guts” in the story “Haunted” by Chuck Palaniuk when the leak started near my desktop. “I need a hole in my head like I need teeth in my asshole.” That sums it up right there, something else I definitely do not need on top of the other shit. Though one of the few things I’m dealing with is my fault, and I am aware, I just need to resolve it fast. As for the leak its in such an awkward place that I am just afraid of the plumber moving the desk with the computer on it. It’s old and needs to be replaced like now. Which my family knows and we are looking into moving the computer to another location in the house. that is definitely going to take some getting use to.

I think everyone is dealing with something stressful honestly, Bessy is dealing with this guy she literally just started to date who decided to take another girl the next day to the bar Bessy works at. And pretty much just be stupid with her and make out with her, though we don’t know how true that is. Jessica is dealing with something really horrid. Her family has been taking care of this little annoying dog for about 7 years, which is their neighbors. The family is quite attached to it and its not doing so well. So instead of having it put down due to whatever is wrong with it, they are dragging this poor thing around to different vets. The owner keeps dropping it off at her family’s house. Jessica is really upset with this and I don’t blame her honestly, I think that the dog needs to be put down and they are just making it suffer. Every day is bringing something new. Not to mention the crap she is dealing with with this new guy she is dating. Whether its something she needs to discuss with him further on their communicating or this is just him she needs to figure out what to do. I think she wants to move on from dating the bird and thinking of him so whatever does that for her she’ll do. I really think she needs a break from everything but she won’t listen to me and will do what she wants. So just have to leave her be.

"Rivière" by Deftones

Wednesday: Today didn’t go the way I really expected it to, and it started last night with me passing out and not taking a shower. I got up this morning and was running late, I also didn’t care that I was. I feel horrible cause I keep making plans with Karen to hang out and talk about the shit at school. She wrote me on fb and pretty much said that we suck at meeting and gave me her number, funny thing is I have had it… seems to happen a lot where I have people’s numbers but don’t actually use them. My meeting with the head of psych got canceled due to him being sick. It was really windy today, I think he is made of sand and was afraid of getting blown away. I tried to make an appointment with him, but he said he isn’t free… which is fucking fabulous cause I am dragging this shit out he is only free next week Monday or Tuesday the earliest. Ugh so I tried to get in contact with the head of anthro so I could ask him what he thought but he was out to a meeting.

I got myself into a real jam though with this tattoo artist. I went with Milly to see Chris and got lost in the process. The area did not look familiar like last time, but it was just due to the area. Apparently if you come from one direction its walking through Chinatown and the other direction is the ghetto. When I got to the shop, I had to wait for Chris to take a break from his current client and see me. He did not remember my name even though I just wrote him a day ago. He kept insisting my name was Jason, I had to clear it up that it isn’t. I also had to do that a few times because he has the memory of someone suffering from Alzheimer’s or Amnesia. I gave him the design I was interested in and told him what I wanted, also showed him the location. I left him a deposit of $80 and wanted to set things up for a specific date, but he couldn’t. So I just made it for a Wednesday as much as I didn’t want to. The thing that caused me to be so uneasy right now, is the question I should have asked as soon as I walked in the door. “What is your hourly rate?”, but I asked him last as I was leaving. He told me that for 3 hours it comes to $500, about $160 an hour. So not what I paid last time and I told him that. he said it was due to being at another shop, meaning Hand of Glory. But that’s not true, since I came to him in the city and it wasn’t that much when he had to finish what he started on my arm. So I said alright and left only to think about it, and regret leaving a deposit. When I spoke about it to Milly it had me thinking… so when I was taking the train home instead of getting off my stop to go home I just stayed and went to HOG instead. I called Mike and he said it was to much money and that I should see if Chris would be up for negotiating lowering the price. Especially since I would have to go for 2 sessions and I don’t feel like spending $1,000 on something the size of my fist when I have spent that much for a half sleeve. So I went to HOG and asked them if they could tell me which artist did the design, which I had saved on my phone. They told me his name, his rate is $125 and he will be in tomorrow. So I’m going to call him tomorrow before I hang out with Bessy before her date. I feel horrible though canceling this with Chris since I wanted to get it done by him, but it’s probably better for me to get it done by the person that originally designed the design instead of someone else. I just feel like, asking for my money back is going to cause shit. I am going to just have to explain that I wasn’t expecting to pay that much and that if I get this done I will not have the money to finish this tattoo any time soon, nor start on the one on my side. Hopefully he understands…

"Walking In My Shoes" by Depeche Mode

Tuesday: So I am dealing with major drama at school. I don’t even know if major is the right word… it all started last week when I found out that I needed to take 5 credits to graduate, when I was told that I didn’t. So I called the woman in registration from the office phone, since this all happened while I was at work. Turns out in this one section of the degree requirements I need one more class. Thing is I have taken 2 they are only accepting one she says. So fine I go to look for another class only to find I have actually have taken 3. So I called this Mrs. Pringles woman back and probably made her hate her phone by the end of the day. Or hate me, either way I called her a lot. So ask about the other courses and she gave me some bullshit answer saying my first degree is closed and I can’t take anything for that and how nothing will transfer. Okay so whatever, I look up all the other classes and they are at ungodly times. So there has to be a way to get around this. Pringleiscious isn’t helping me much so I need to talk to the head of psych to figure out wtf is up. Karla then met me right after and it old her all of this bullshit. They are actually doing something stupid with her as well where they before accepted her credit for science and now they aren’t. Great school huh? Pulling shit last minute to keep you there longer. I want to progress to another degree not be working on this fucking degree until my ball hair is down to my knees and whiter than virgin snow. I got the phone number and email for the head of psych and set out to email her on Sunday…

After having a great day of shopping with Jessica I went to email the psych head. She actually wrote me back later on Sunday night or Monday, and informed me she stepped down and got me in contact with the new guy that took over. I already know he won’t have a clue as to wtf is going on with me since I seem to be an entity of its own. In trying to see if I can do a course substitution since I have problems with the other courses I asked Brett about the course he is offering that coincides with the research project on women’s centers and he said it would probably not help me. So I asked about his other class he said that I need the prerequisite. I mentioned I took sex and culture he wasn’t sure if that helped so I was off to see Dr. Trinch to ask. She wasn’t in and I don’t know her hours, and the stupid secretary that took over for Gwen wasn’t there. She probably fell over with her gimp leg and was on her back rolling around like a turtle. So I went back to the office to tell Mayra only to find out that Dr. Murry walked in the office and stole my diet gingerale. I was ready to beat her down but just stormed out pissed and got a drink. Mayra told her what she did and she gave me money for taking my drink and apologized. She said as a peace offering she would offer me the other things in the fridge the other sodas, funny thing is one she offered me was already mine… I went back to see if Dr. Trinch was back, she wasn’t, nor was gimp the secretary. Mayra pointed out how I should go to the head’s office and ask him, so I did. Best thing I could have done really.

Ric offered to help me and has shown me that he really wants to help. He doesn’t find what I am going through fair and will do what he can. He told me today to write a letter and he sent it to someone in the registrars to see what they have to say. Hopefully with doing this first before talking to the new head of psych I can see what can be done. As I told Anna some of the stuff going on she said its great I can have a head of a department to advocate for me. If I can get two its even better, but I won’t count my chickens.

As for her class I worry, she is still suffering from health issues and doesn’t know what’s going on. I wonder if she might let up or be lenient with grades. I am hoping so.

"Beat Your Heartbeat" by The Kissaway Trail

Sunday: Jessica came over last night which she said she never was over my house before. She wanted to go to Starbucks to work on her paper, and I work on mine. She just didn’t want to have to deal with distraction like she would deal with at home. I felt I wouldn’t get anything done at Starbucks so I just said, come over. I’d say it worked out really well and it’s something I would do again. It helped with bouncing ideas off of each other, to see what sounded right. She ended up with 5 pages, I with 1. Not saying I didn’t do any work, it took me a while to figure out what I wanted to say using a previous paper as a model. She was writing about herself as a personal statement.

I spent my day, starting from my shower to when I went out, thinking about what has been on my mind bothering me in regards to making friends. I find it horribly funny how I am worrying about this, someone who never had to. Aisha called me last night and I wanted to talk to her so badly, and discuss things with her but I have Jes over and couldn’t. More so because my parents were there. Today I texted her and said that maybe we can talk on gtalk. It’s not the same as a call, but at least I’d have privacy. I was thinking about what I would be looking for in finding new friends, a wish list. But I don’t want it to seem like I’m being picky. Some things I know I am looking at based off of previous experience, but I have to keep in mind people do not come with warning labels. The first thing on my list would have to be they would have to be accepting of me for who I am and the choices I have made in life. Thinking about the way I just phrased that makes me feel like I am a junkie… Next I obviously don’t care about their sexual orientation for obvious reasons. I don’t care about ethnicity, and as for age i would say 10 years is fine. Anything more than that is to much and even with 10 it seems like a lot. I would like to be able to talk to them and relate to things and not have to deal with the age gap. Mutual interests would obviously be a huge plus, can’t really have a friendship with someone when they don’t like things you are into. Lastly they can be attractive, or mildly but I know what that causes with me and I don’t really want to have a friendship where looks play a hand in things.

This matter has me contemplating therapy again. Makes me miss Randi, even if she did fall asleep a few times and sometimes I felt like her as a resource was exhausted.

"All The Kings Men" by Wild Beasts

]Friday: The conversations I have been having with Jessica have been followed with some self reflection lately. Today, after getting into work and waiting for the office to be clear I called Jessica. I was supposed to work on my paper, but after having some difficulty with one journal article I just lost interest. Hopefully I can get it taken care of this weekend. Well I have to get it done, its due Tuesday night. I spoke to her about friends and she pointed out to me that if I knew I didn’t have many guy friends I should have worked on that when I started going to college. When I first started going to college I thought that the friends I made in highschool would continue to talk to me. Most do, but they aren’t all living in the same state. I guess a lot of us didn’t realize that that was what was going to happen with us. When I started college I also had guy friends, 3 actually: Basem, Jose, and Rich. As I explained to Jessica, Rich got annoyed cause I didn’t like his girlfriend, she came off with an attitude when I met her, Jose left the school since his gpa literally stayed at 0, and Basem just moved on with college and whatever. Since then, I met James but like I stated in my pervious entry he doesn’t live near by so it makes things difficult to hang out. She was trying to think of places to go to meet people and she said gyms and we agreed that that wasn’t a great place and bars aren’t a good place for meeting anyone. When I pointed out that that is the reason why I wanted to become friends with her friend John we discussed that it might not work due to our interests. I don’t think we have the same ones, other than drinking and I value my liver. I mentioned the movie “I Love You Man” and the man dates to her, and she said maybe I should consider that, but it was a joke. I forget what it was we exactly got into but basically it was a point of the conversation that we got to where she said that she knows that a problem I might have with making guy friends is that some might not want to be friends with someone that has the lifestyle that I have. This is something else that I have kept in mind and also sucks. Maybe this is why I am so reserved with things even with my girl friends. I just feel that it isn’t something I need to discuss with people other than with those I am close with.

On a side note, still not use to staring at a screen with dead pixels and pixel distortion on the sides.

"Bloody Cape" by Deftones

Thursday: I keep forgetting to see Seth, the professor that owes me money for designing the poster for Orestes for him. I realized of course now, that I should have seen him today since we got paid. If I remember tomorrow I can ask him. I keep forgetting to put it in my calendar on my phone to remind me. So the day will end and I’ll be remembering to late, or remember at school and its the wrong day.

I’ve been trying to read for class and lately I have been having issues. Maybe I’m just not use to reading notes on a Kindle yet, or the material is just not gripping enough to hold my attention. I find myself reading and being bored, so I fall asleep while reading. When I get myself together and continue I then end up focusing on the words more than the content so I am just left with empty words without meaning. I spoke to Anna about this since I am taking quizzes and find myself now worrying about my grades. She said I could write 1 page responses to the readings and she’ll accept that. I’m grateful, I just need to set time aside for that so I can do it and submit it to her. So I really just need to get through the readings and then submit it to her after class. Hopefully this works out better than taking those quizzes, I don’t think I would have many opportunities like this, like she offered, from many other professors at the school

At least she is understanding…

I was reflecting on some things Jessica and I were discussing previously, on various occasions. How I really need some guy friends. I don’t know why its easier for me to talk to girls and develop friendships with them. It has worked out great with some friends, and has been a mess with others. I think of how when I was in therapy Randi pointed out how I had so many friends and that I didn’t need people like Isadora in my life to cause me grief. When I thought of my friends then, I felt she was right; looking at things now I don’t think I feel the same way. Yeah I have some strong friendships with Jessica and Aisha, but at times I feel like that’s it. I rarely hear from Patrice. She makes an effort now to keep in contact through texts, but then those dwindle and I don’t hear anything. When I think of other friendships, like my relationship for example, I find it to just be in a different category. I would really like to feel that he is my best friend and more, but I don’t feel it. After 5 years you think you’d feel something like that. I look at the male friends and currently, I don’t have many. I might on facebook but just because they are there, doesn’t mean much. People from high school now littered in states not close by making it different to really have any bond more than just maybe text on a screen somewhere. Anthony was close by, but that was a mess. I felt that friendship wasn’t mutual in the sense where there was a give and take. Actually I think there was a give and take of just each other’s company and the enjoyment of that. There wasn’t any “hey I have a problem” and the other helping the other out. Plus his mother was overbearing and the friendship I wanted with him, I had in her. It wasn’t conducive and just didn’t seem ethically right. My friendship with Adu sucks. I was so close with him in high school and then as we started college I did what I could to hold on to that, even after. But he’s in Africa now just because his family has property in Ghana and its cheaper. The cost of living is really cheap there, unlike here which is very attractive to someone that doesn’t have a job and wants security in life. The only other male friend that I have is Joseph. I rarely ever get to see him though, just because he is far. If he were closer, I would make an effort to spend more time with him. The only time I really see him is on my birthday since it’s a trek out here from where he is. Working in the lab I met Dontay and as I explained all this to Jessica, I would develop a friendship with him but I don’t. Just because he is planning on moving out of the country to go to school and then live. He doesn’t want to stay in the U.S. anymore. So even if I were to develop something with him, I would be back where I am now. Of course I meet some women at work and I become friends with them in a heartbeat and the friends from last semester’s classes I’m friends with. It makes me wonder what signals am I sending out that is making me only attract women as friends.

Thinking of this makes me think of the movie “I Love You Man” where he has all these women friends and needs a guy friend. I feel like I’m going to resort to man dates to find someone. The problem with my major is that its predominately all women. I think that is also a problem with me meeting people that don’t have vaginas. I think I need to spend less time thinking about this, though it’s constantly on my mind because it’s a fact. I don’t know what to do to change it, as of now…

"Situation" by Yaz

Sunday: Thanks to the other students in class that still have midterms I am granted more time to work on my methods section. Thank God! This gives me more time, at least a week. But then I didn’t expect my laptop to die. Long story short after bringing it today to apple it looks like that quite possibly the video card died. Seems like I have some curse on me that makes video cards die. Maybe I pissed off some gypsie woman and she put some curse on me so that video cards die. Well it should be repaired and ready for pickup by tomorrow, or Tuesday. I am praying they don’t erase my hard drive. Really don’t want to have to be busy reinstalling all this shit back on the computer.

Funny thing is that the day I make the blog for the craziness that goes on on the train, the computer dies. It was like a sign that it was maybe a bad idea? Still something I want to do with Milly and Jessica.

Also on Friday, I spoke to Milly and found out that Mobruka really wasn’t honest when it came to certain things in regards to what went on between her and Rico. Its like more develops in regards to her and what happened. Apparently she called him and left him a nasty voice mail. Not something she told me, but then again would she want to? There are always two sides to a story, but when things get heated people tend to forget this. I think when this happens we pay more attention to the story that is more convincing, or makes most sense to us when we are provided with certain facts. Just gives me more reason to keep my distance when it comes to certain things.

"Where Is My Mind?" by Pixies

Tuesday: My mother always told me that “there is always one person that ruins things for everyone else” I always make sure that this isn’t me. It also helps to identify the person that is the one that ruins things to either tell them to stop or just to know so you can have an idea of what to expect.

In an office setting there are different personalities, some mesh, some work cohesively together, and some just are polar opposites that need to be avoided at all costs. I feel that our office mixes well, but it seem that some people tend to think who they are and that they can do what they want. On Friday I walked into the aftermath of an office fight. Mobruka was pissed and saying that her ears were on fire. When I asked what happened she explained the mess that just transpired. When she came in, a few minutes before I, she was locked out of the lab so she called Rico to let her in. He caught an attitude, though he has said in the past to just call him if you need to get into the lab. So she just went to security and they let her in. When Rico strolled in, who also does not work on Fridays but spends time in the lab doing his shit such as talk on the phone and take up space, he went into the mac lab. When he went inside she started to blast his music on one of the computers and closed the door to the lab. The pc lab was having issues and for some reason the internet was slow. A student complained about the internet and Mobruka told her to go to the mac lab and use the computers there. So the girl did so, and Rico told her to leave because he was playing his music. When she went back to the pc side, Mobruka asked her what happened and she said that he asked her to leave. So Mobruka told her to go back since the students pay to use the lab with their tech fee. He said that he didn’t want her in there due to playing music and its distracting. He said this when the girl went back into the lab. So Mobruka was pissed and said it was bullshit for him to do that, which is true. This isn’t his house and he isn’t allowed to tell students that. She called Mayra and told her, who was also on her way to lab since she was proctoring an exam, and she threatened to go to the head of the dept and report him. She was really angry and I don’t blame her. What he does is really bullshit. He only can put in 20 hours and with the amount he puts in technically by Wednesday he is done for the week, but he says there until Friday. When Mayra came in she heard the crap he had playing in the lab. Students were in there, and when he was in the lab before letting students in he had that grad student in there that I had a fight with earlier in the semester. Just seemed a little strange. So yesterday things seemed off but I didn’t know that Mayra didn’t talk t him until she made the comment that she needed to talk to him. Mobruka today said that he wasn’t talking to her. So I guess it was discussed. As I told Mobruka, I am not going to take sides, but I know the difference between right and wrong and what is selfish and what he did was selfish and wrong.

Today class was canceled with Anna. I was leaving and talking to another student about things in class and actually bumped into Anna coming in late. I ended up talking to her for a bit and found out I was actually reading the wrong chapter for class, and wasn’t the only one. I discussed some things with her about my methods section for the upcoming paper, and I feel so scrambled. Since we have been working on this in pieces, I feel that the information is just leaving my head when there are gaps in between submissions. She tends to point me in a direction but it doesn’t really seem to resonate when I have to think about things. It also doesn’t help that I pick difficult topics to work on. I think I set myself up for a difficult mission to complete. Maybe I just like setting high standards for myself and then see if I can live up to the challenge? That isn’t a bad thing, but while I’m trying to complete it it just seems like a lot. Which makes me feel overwhelmed ugh. I know I have been feeling that lately…

i know I have been wanting a weekend, now for a while where I can just not do anything and relax. I had that this past weekend though I didn’t feel well. I took a walk with Jessica and discussed things with her, and felt that maybe I should consider going to find a counselor at school since it was suggested to me when I was seeing Aaron. It would help to just clear my mind and not think about crap. Talking does help, especially if its to the right person. I put off going to counseling, just because I felt I needed some time to think about if it’s something I wanted to do. After seeing Randi I thought that maybe it would be best to take some time off from therapy and when I felt it was time to go back I’d know. Or maybe it was Aaron that said that to me, that there wasn’t a rush. Which is very true, there isn’t a rush, but its good to have someone to talk to before things get out of hand. This weekend, though I really didn’t do anything, I feel that I want another weekend of this. This causes problems especially with Mike. I know he wants to go out and I don’t feel like it, it makes me feel like I am being selfish. Jessica said she knows what that is like, the pressure of feeling like you have to go out. At least someone knows what its like, but that doesn’t really help me much. Also, it looks like the research group I signed up for is starting soon. I have an option of working in two at once. Not really sure if that is something I want to do since I feel overwhelmed as it is, but it would be impressive if I can do both. I will not want to go out and do things if I have work, or it might work out where I need to go out and just decompress. I will have to see how this all unfolds. I am half way through the semester and sometimes I feel that I am being smothered.

"Hands All Over" by Soundgarden

Monday: This semester is just flying by… To me it still feels like it started, but it is nearly almost November. The weeks are over before I even know it and the weekends are in a category of their own. I blink and they are over. It’s so difficult to just not worry about things. I feel horrible when it comes to spending time with Mike as well. I just want to do absolutely nothing and relax. Sit and play WoW, or read, or just sleep and not worry about students coming in for tutoring or reading assignments for class. I guess I’m asking for to much. When this research project starts I will probably feel just as overwhelmed if not more, trying to make hours in the lab, go to class, and then do whatever I have to do for the project.

I do enjoy working in the lab, though at times I feel like I don’t have anything to do. But when I have things to do, I am lucky if I have any time for myself to just take a breath. Friday the lab was dead. None of the classes came in to use the lab, and random stragglers wondered in to use computers. If 4 people were in the lab, that was a lot that day especially when the lab can be to the point where we have to ask people to leave due to both labs being full. While I was in the office reading, Mayra came in to have lunch before proctoring the CPE. She was just making small talk with me and then discussed how there is a possibility that the lab could be closing due to funds. I don’t know who else she discussed this with, but I am not talking about it with anyone that I am friendly with other than her. It makes me wonder if others know and they just aren’t discussing it with me because they don’t know if I know. I have discussed it with friends though, spoke about it with my mother as well. Her comment was “so you’re going to lose your job? That sucks…” and yeah it does suck but there isn’t much I can do about it. I can look for something else but I don’t think there are many jobs that will be so lenient with me strolling in when I want to and then working. I think if this were something serious, I would have been fired a long time ago.

I spoke about it with Mike on Friday I believe, among the other things such as the pointless thoughtless construction on the street in front of my house. its pointless and thoughtless due to the fact that the people that decided to do so did not plan it out better. The logic behind it makes sense but at the same time all aspects of the plan were not thoroughly thought out. This is the deal, I live on a very busy street and there is lots of traffic due to the stores in my area getting deliveries so there is lots of double parking. To eliminate that, dividers are being put up with flower pot planters and trees. They said they wanted to have that like that to eliminate the double parking, but there isn’t enough room for cars to normally park. The trucks that normally make deliveries now will double park down the side streets adding congestion there. There is still speculation of them making the street in front of my house a huge one way street leading to the hospital but I don’t think that will happen. My mother wanted to place a complaint and we found out today that it still isn’t clear what exactly is being planned for my area, but there is going to be room for parking. Honestly there can’t be cars parks with the trucks, vans, and all the other shit that comes down the block to exist and not cause accidents.

When Mike and I went out to dinner and then kept things like I ended up wanting to go to my house and mess around in the hall way which is something we have been doing for years now and it’s fine. Well when I got close to my house Jessica called me to inform me there was a fire somewhere. She wanted to know if I smelt anything, which I did as soon as I rolled Mike’s window down. It smelt like burnt rubber which was really strong. She said she was heading over to my house, but I didn’t take her serious. I was messing around in the hall with Mike and my parents knew I was there but my father decided he wanted to go outside because he didn’t pay attention to the things I say and wanted to go outside. So yeah he caught me making out with Mike but I don’t think he really saw what happened because if he did I think he would have made a bigger deal. Mike felt embarrassed and left and with that Jessica arrived and he left. I asked Jes to come in, since she had that horrible dog her family baby sits, cause I wanted my mother to see it and if my father said anything I could be like… well Jessica was here maybe you were seeing things. Jes and I then went for a walk after that and Mike informed me that the horrible smell was due to a tire fire in Jersy.

On the walk with Jessica she told me about how she is moving on from the Bird which is great. Her last encounter with him was fucked up and honestly pissed me off but I am sure it pissed her off as well. She told me about the new guy which strangely enough some things that she keeps informing me about in regards to him seem to be coming true based off of a dream I had. Yeah I have dreams every once and a while that predict upcoming shit, I’m not going on any tv shows or anything over it or starting a psychic hotline. The first thing was that there was going to be this guy wearing plaid that was a hipster, and Rob is that… the other thing that I dreamt was that he had a huge dick which apparently she tells me is true. And in all honesty its something I really don’t need to know about. When it comes to things like that I tend to be very sensitive mainly due to the fact that I am self conscious of myself. When I think about it I think of how she talks about it and how its something that she remembers someone by. I feel that that is not something memorable that would be remembered if I were to get into another relationship and Mike thought back about me. Or even if it was with anyone that I was with in the past, not that there is anyone, but its still something I think of. Jessica mainly stirred up that thought. I know I have better qualities that make me someone, someone would want to be with. I guess I’d prefer to be “that guy who had the elephant dick” than “I felt comfortable with and could open up to about anything” or “He was so supportive in my times of need I regret losing him for that.” but no, I’d rather be referred to as the one who was hung like a whale. Isn’t that fucking pathetic?

"Alison" by Elvis Costello

Thursday: Today truly started off like something from a sitcom. I got myself ready and left my house, only to be a block away and realize I left my insulin home. I called my mother and she met me by the door where I took the pens from her and headed to the train. As I reached the stairs to the train, the train pulled in. I ran up 3 flights of stairs only to have my ipod fall out of my hoody pocket and bounce its way to the edge of the tracks. Here I am like a fool running after my ipod as it makes a mad dash to the ledge and I’m following with my arms open. Thank God it didn’t fall down the little gap between the train and the platform falling to its 3 story death, shattering itself all over the damp street. As soon as I grabbed my ipod I looked up and the train doors were closing. After all this I was not going to miss my train, so I shoved my arm inside. The doors then reopened and I was on my way to school. With a day starting like this I avoided those graitings that ventilate the subways. I couldn’t chance possibly falling down one since that is already a huge fear of mine.

The lab was busy, and I just made myself comfortable at the front desk and told people to sign into the lab. I was busy reading the article I had on Judges, when an older woman walked in rambling about signing in and all this stuff. She saw Mobruka and suddenly became excited since she saw a familiar face. They spoke for a while before she trotted into the Mac lab. While in there I heard her talking to Mayra and then get quiet. Milly walked out angrily and said how there was an older student that had her at wits end. The student wanted to burn a cd with documents on it, and when Milly asked where they were she said she didn’t type them yet. So Milly’s head then started to explode. She also said the woman didn’t know her name so she called her 3 different names in the course of 10 min, which I found hysterical. So for the rest of the day any name that popped into my head I called her. I think I’ll do this for the next few weeks…

When I got home, after dinner I spoke to Jessica about the fire that transpired the night before. The smell was so strong that we both smelt it from our houses but didn’t know where exactly it was coming from. She was telling me about how she took the bus the other day and a crazy person was on the bus, when they got off another came and replaced them. I told her how the other day while going to the art store I walked down a block full of lunatics. Homeless lunatics to be exact. There was the cup cake van parked in front of a Starbucks and as a woman was placing an order, a homeless guy was busy blowing his nose on the side walk. He was pushing so hard you would have thought he was trying to expel a demon or something from himself. The cup cake vendor guy and the woman both looked at the homeless man with horror. I walked down the block avoiding the snot blobs to find the homeless guy that looks like a dirty Jesus ranting in a pay phone booth with a Dunkin’ Doughnuts cup about how he loves the city. When I was done in the art store and was heading home, a toothless guy noticed my plugs in my ears and decided to talk to me. If I could tell you what the conversation was about, I’d seriously love to, because I have no idea what it was about.

I then told her about the kittens in my yard. The stray that is in my yard finally brought one of her litters over into my yard. My mother thinks its because she wants them to fend for their own since she is possibly pregnant again. For some reason out of all of them, one seems to have stayed in my yard. I heard it this morning before all the chaos ensued. I heard it from my bathroom, which isn’t even close to my yard. It wasn’t meowing loudly, it was more of an exhausted meow of despair. When I looked in the yard I found the mother but no kittens. It wasn’t until my mother woke up and pointed out that there was one in the airy way, which led me to jump down and get it. The kitten jumped and climbed and got out before I could even grab it, but now is still in my yard. We put something out for it to lay in but its not having it. I think it wants its mother and she is off doing whatever somewhere. Not hearing its cries, so it pretty much is staying in our yard especially since it can’t figure out how to leave the yard. It isn’t a terrible thing, but I find myself worrying about it and becoming overly emotional. I noticed that that is something that happens with me lately, I am overly emotional over certain things. I think it has to do with certain things in my life that I never let out any emotion. Mainly dealing with the losses of certain family members. The only ones that come to mind immediately are my grandparents and my uncle. I can’t say I hold back emotions when it comes to Michelle, though that is different. It is still something I really have a hard time dealing with and it gets to me. But for now, the source of my emotional strain is this kitten in my yard. I just don’t want to open my door and find it dead, huddled in the corner somewhere. My mother isn’t really wanting to take it in, not yet anyway. So I will just continue to hope for the best.

"Tiny Japanese Girl" by Nerd Folia

Sunday: “I think that’s what the guys called her as they fucked her” Me, referring to my aunt…

The weekends go by so quickly. Just as they begin, they are over. If I wasn’t working I would have more time on my hands, but to do what? More than likely nothing. So I am more productive having this job and doing things. Friday, I was extremely busy. I feel as if as soon as I got into work, I was leaving. I was helping the students with their papers, editing them. These are these are the students that Rico is tutoring. I believe he is working with Seth, the professor that owes me money for the poster I designed for him. Seth decided to make his students read Frankenstein and Plato’s Republic. I don’t know how their heads didn’t explode. When I walked in on Friday Mobruka was ecstatic to see me. Two students were there for me and I worked on their papers as fast as I could. I felt that I spent more time on one of the girls than the other, but there is only so much I can take when it comes to reading papers on the allegory of the cave. Karla came and helped me somewhat. She explained part of the story to this one girl so she could write her paper or understand it at least. The girl kept trying to get me to write the paper for her, which I picked up on and was not feeling it at all. She then went to Mobruka when I didn’t help her. So, with an hour left I helped 3 students and then 3 more came in. Apparently I should have realized that freshman are going to put their papers off until the last fucking minute. I did the best I could and kept the lab open a little later as I waited for Karla. I need to talk to Rico about the students making appointments with me. I am happy to help them since I am not doing anything else. They just need to make appointments with me so that they all don’t walk in and then want time.

Saturday was fairly relaxing, went to dinner with Mike. Today I went to the cemetery and just felt so eh. I feel like I have artists block and don’t feel creative lately. I need something to hit me so I can just be on the ball again. Must be all these boring readings I have about juries and bullshit.

Hopefully tomorrow I can get my work done.

My parents were talking in the living room about my aunt. Its like when something happens with my aunt and my mother finds out through my cousins, its as if they have to sit and talk about everything to now. My mother and father that is. They can start to talk about how my aunt had the idea of selling the house and all that. It’s like they can pinpoint the moment in time when she started looking for a house upstate, but didn’t tell anyone. Or I should say didn’t tell my mother about it until after she found the house. She expected my mother and us to move upstate. I really don’t feel like extending my commute to the city by another 1.5 hours or more. What sparked all this talk now is that my cousin is getting married. My mother was talking about it before with one of her friends or someone, I think. And she said how my cousin is in his early 40s and his fiancé is in her late 20s. They are not the same age, is it gross that the age difference makes me want to vomit a little? Not that my cousin looks horrible for his age, he definitely doesn’t look it. Well when I saw him last he didn’t that is. But the idea just is eh. I always feel that when people get married that I know, and it’s worse when its family, that I am looked at as if its weird why I am not setting a date and getting married tomorrow. Even if my situation is different. It’s something that just bothers me. My mother was talking about my aunt and how she had this nick name of “Phoenix”. It bothers me that that was her name, because I associate myself with that mythical bird. Mainly because I have a tattoo of one on my arm. I don’t really feel that I am arising from ashes of some former disaster, trying to reinvent myself. Its nothing like that. I guess it mainly has something to do with the tattoo. Hearing my mother in the living room discuss this I made the vulgar comment of “I think that’s what the guys called her as they fucked her” and my mother laughed. She said “maybe it was.”

"Us and Them" by Pink Floyd

Wednesday: I guess I should start this on a positive note, since the rest of this isn’t going to be happy. Dontay, who is a work study in the lab I work at, informed me that the professor we had last semester is assembling a research team. So I sent Dr. Stoudt an email expressing my interest and got into the team. This is something I wanted to do for while which definitely looks great for grad school applications and resumes. I have had interest in doing research since Shea mentioned it when we were talking about grad school.

Jessica called me yesterday all upset to tell me how she placed a child from a foster home to a foster parent. The child is 2 and how she was holding the kid. The foster parent called Jessica yesterday to inform her that the child has scabies. She asked me if that was the one that sailors get and I pointed out, no that’s scurvy. She then realized that scabies are the ones that burrow under your skin. I told her they are highly contagious as well. I could hear in her tone she was ready to cry, and or possibly vomit on herself. She said she would go to a doctor to see what preventative measures there are for her. I am not going near her for a long while. Unfortunately she has my copy of Rant…

My mother informed me how, when she was coming home from taking a walk with my father, that she saw the son from upstairs in front of the house smoking. So she pulled the car up in front of the house, and let my father out. The son, Kevin, looked up and realized that my mother saw him and said “Oh shit” and ran into the house. My mother wanted to email his mother and say that she saw him smoking, that she knows those cigarette butts that were found in the yard were his. But my father advised her to not do that. When we discussed it last night, my mother wasn’t really sure why but basically we think the reason why he doesn’t want her to tell his mother is because nothing is going to be done over the situation. So I told her that I think that she should just take into consideration all these things and tell her that the end of January or the beginning of February, that if her son doesn’t leave her lease will not be renewed. Yeah, it’s harsh, but he didn’t sign the lease his mother did and he is violating all of these rules that are set up which are cause for eviction.

I am also starting to think that my macbook needs to be repaired. Well just the monitor anyway. The sides of the monitor have this weird marking down it resembling water marks. When I clean the monitor I don’t use a lot of cleaner so I doubt its my fault. The monitor also has a dead pixel that has been harassing me for over a year now that needs to go. So hopefully if I call I get this set up sometime soon. I will miss having this computer around for a few days. But I need to get this done before my warranty ends. I guess I’ll get this taken care of in a week or so, maybe a month.

"Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne

Thursday: To say the least about today, it was gray. A bright shade of gray before a storm, before rain.

I didn’t feel like getting out of bed, but struggled to and rushed off to work. I was too distracted with what happened the night before to really read for class or read for entertainment’s sake. I was more disappointed, at this point, in Jessica than angry. I walked into the office and found Shelain, Mayra, and Milly sitting talking about something or making copies. I wanted their opinion and told them the story. Milly sat looking at me with a look on her face expressing “what the fuck?” Shelain’s face wasn’t much different. Shelain suggested blocking his number, which is pretty much what was decided, but I’ll get to that. The thing we are wondering is if it will continue after we block his number. It was getting close for me to have class and I spoke to Dr. Lanzone quickly. I told her what happened and she said that if its easier for me to say I had a low and was with her to say that. I didn’t have to though.

I went to class and made sure I was there early, 10 minutes early actually. Anna came in the class and closed the door literally as class started. So basically you need to be in class early or just don’t bother at all. After finishing the quiz on a reading I read 3 times and still didn’t grasp anything from, Anna mentioned something about an assignment due. I went up to her after class and asked her what was due. She told me the girl Isabel should have contacted me and I looked at her as if she were nuts and said that this never happened and that I hoped to exchange info with her since I wanted to have a contact. She was upset that I didn’t get the information but said that my hypothesis and research question was due and to submit it when I got a chance. I went to her office to talk to her more about that and she actually said she liked my 15 sentences the most in the class. Also said that me citing things counts towards participation since no one did that and it showed that I cared about what I submitted. After I asked that I asked her opinion about the situation with the bird to see what she’d think. She said that I should block the number, and then if he keeps calling from another to then go to the police. The reason I told Anna is because she is gay as well and I thought maybe that she’d maybe point me in the direction of going to the police now or waiting to see what happens. But I felt better after talking to her since I felt such unrest after being asked to leave the classroom.

When I left I headed to Starbucks to get a drink. I called Aisha and spoke to her about what I said in the previous paragraph about blocking the bird’s number. I walked as fast as I could to Starbucks as the heavens growled. The thundering was constant and really eerie with flashes of lightening. I wanted to get my drink and run to the train but couldn’t because of the down pour. So I just waited and called home. I lost service in the middle of telling my mother I was staying in the city till the rain passed, but my father was to busy being an asshole when he answered the phone that I couldn’t even get that far in the conversation. When I called back my mother said she kept trying to get me and that I should stay in the city since my area was under tornado warning. I remember a time in my life where bed bugs and tornados were not things I worried about. When the down pour subsided I ran across the street, past the mob of people waiting for the rain to end because they are made out of sugar, down the subway steps. On the ride home I read about a page of “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” and then fell asleep. When I got in I told my mother that its best to block the bird, she said she wants to see if he calls again and then she will.

On a side note, the professor I had last semester is trying to get a research team. Dontay told me about it and I emailed the professor, after seeing him in the hall and expressing my interest to him, saying that I want to be involved. It would look great on my resume, and when I apply for grad school.

Apparently Park Slope got hit with the tornado, Jessica apparently wasn’t far. The weather was a reflection of how angry I was yesterday, or that is how I saw it. And what it meant to me. As Anna, Shelain, Mayra, and Milly all pointed out, this is her fault that he has my number. Why she didn’t clear her personal information from the phone escapes me. But the fact that he has my number is her fault. Whether or not he is maliciously doing this, I don’t know. I can only think that it is since that is the only thing that makes sense. How can you call someone you don’t know, by accident for 3.5 months? I really wanted to go out and spend time with Jessica this weekend, but I know it will come up in the conversation. And that it was very thoughtless of her to do something like that.

"Empty (live)" by Ray LaMontagne

Wednesday: I have still been thinking about this whole situation dealing with Anna and the class. I spoke to some friends about it and still really just don’t know what to do. I am hoping to discuss it with Dr. Lanzone tomorrow and tell her what is going on. I am dealing with some ethical issues because I don’t find what Anna did to be fair. She made me miss an entire class over 1 minute. It literally had just struck 3:36pm and she had the door closed. I keep thinking I was more than 1 min late but I wasn’t wrong for thinking what time I got there. I am so tempted to blame my lateness on having a hypoglycemic episode and that is why I was late. But I don’t want to lie. I really feel that the longer I stay at this school that the only way to get anything done or taken care of is if I lie. There have been to many events where I felt that I only hurt myself more by telling the truth. Then again with my luck, I lie this one time and it bites me in the ass. Dr. Lanzone said that she would email Anna and tell her that I got there late to class because I was talking to her. I just feel like I am putting her in an awkward situation where she shouldn’t be. Hopefully when I talk to her tomorrow we can come up with some sort of conclusion to this that makes the best sense. I think that when I hand Anna the letter from disabled students it might que up questions from her as to if my lateness was due to medical reasons.

i want to take this time to vent about something but I don’t even know how to exactly get into this. Its such a really odd story, but I am furious over it. I haven’t been this angry in a while, wait didn’t I say that not long ago about something else? Or in regards to someone else?

For the past month, maybe longer, this random person has been calling my house and has the wrong number. Always confused as to how he dialed the number, or just hearing them talk in the background. I think I answered once or twice and didn’t get an answer so I just hung up. The thing that sucks more than the random calls is the times that they come in. They aren’t always at the same times, sometimes it’s a normal time like 5pm or 8pm. But then there are when they are at 6am, or 4am. I remember once a call came through at like 8am and I was furious. Actually now that I am thinking about this, it has been going on for a really long time. I remember working over the summer and getting a call at 8am and being pissed since I was sleeping. So tonight I was in the middle of a raid and the phone rang and my mother said how its that wireless caller and my parents were busy talking about it. I passively listened and over heard my mother say that she was calling the vmail and how it was the vmail of Chris F…. I don’t know what the expression on my face looked like, but I just know that it must have been an “oh shit” look on my face or something of shock. Because the person that has been calling my house for around 3 months now is Jessica’s ex boyfriend Chris the bird piece of shit. I texted Jessica and asked her if he had my number and how when my mother called it had his name on the vmail. She said no, then asked the name on the vmail and probably then read what I said again and after I sent her the phone number she flipped out and said how he has her old cell number. So why didn’t she erase my number? And that he accidently dials me when he sits on the phone since that is what she use to do to me all the time. Meanwhile in the living room my mother is busy leaving nasty voicemails screaming, by the by at this point I didn’t say anything to her that this was Jessica’s ex. So I then told my mother and told Jessica she needs to call my house and settle this because my parents are pissed. So she called and my mother told her how annoying it is and he needs to stop calling. So to make things I guess worse, or to piss me off more. Jessica says I should block his number. Why should I do that? He should delete my number. I am really just furious with her because I don’t understand why she didn’t delete my information from that phone. I find it a little too coincidental that he is calling me, someone he dislikes due to the fact that I’m gay. I honestly don’t feel like talking to her for a while. I want to point out to her that he has been calling for over or around 3 months now and its really fucking annoying and that she needs to do something. I just don’t know what the hell to say or think right now.

"(I Don't Want to Go To) Chelsea" by Elvis Costello

Friday: Lately at night I have been feeling really blah. I don’t know if its due to what happened with Anna in the class and her asking me to leave or what. But all I know is I feel like shit at night and really just want to be left alone. I find myself being so bored with warcraft, I just don’t want to do anything.

Jessica got me out of the house the other day, since she had to pick tickets up for her ex from a friend. Someone I wanted to meet for a while, due to just thinking they were attractive and just wanting to friend them. I notice that now when I try to make male friends I go by looks which doesn’t always work out for the best. Anyway I met him and said to Jes he was welcome to add me. I am really trying to make non female friends just because I have so many and want to have guy friends to talk about whatever with. Though I do that with my girl friends I just feel that I need male friends. Not that I am not going to talk to people if they are girls but I just want to not only have female friends.

When I spoke things over on Wednesday with Shelain I think it is a good idea to email Dr. Lanzone, which I did. I just told her what happened with me getting to class late and that if anything comes up that she remembers that I was with her. I don’t want her to intervene in the situation but I just want her to know that if Anna doesn’t believe me, that if Dr. Lanzone is questioned she will say yes I was with her. I know that this situation makes me wonder what would have happened if I was late due to having a low blood sugar or something happened to me due to being diabetic. I guess I’d just have to go to disabled students and they would have to take care of the situation.

On a separate note, UPS must fucking despise me right now. And yes I am talking about United Postal Service. Wasn’t referring to some other group like United Pygmy Society or anything. I placed an order with Tarina Tarintino and it was a huge mess. This is the second time this happened with them due to the jewish holiday, or a jewish holiday. I tried to order with expedited shipping but was unsuccessful since it still got held up in the shuffle of things. When I called UPS to find out if it would get caught up in the holiday I was assured it wouldn’t, and was told that if it did I could go pick it up from the center. When I tracked it on Thursday, it got caught up in things and when I inquired about picking it up they kept telling me no. It was like pulling teeth and they would not let me pick it up. I kept telling them I was ready to leave and get it and they kept telling me no. Why was I told before to do this and now I am being advised not to? This is really ridiculous. So the last I heard from UPS was I was being told that Friday I would get the package, yeah well how about a big fat fucking no again! So when I called to find out what the problem is now they told me that the company I ordered from said I can’t pick it up. so I called them, which UPS told me to do and they investigated and basically they have a room full of all these packages that are all held up and there are about 1000 and mine is in there. So I can’t go get it cause they didn’t sort it and won’t until next week. So the shipping I paid for was worthless since its taking forever!!!!! So the company was nice enough to resend an over nighted box to me which I should get Saturday in a matter of hours since I am up late typing this. Sadly one item I wanted they had to change… but whatever. This whole experience was from hell!

"Alabama Motel Room" by Matthew Good Band

Wednesday: Yesterday was a horrible mess. It seemed as if the day just exponentially kept getting worse. When I came into work in the afternoon I printed the notes I needed to read, since I didn’t get much reading done while I was home. I really need to invest in Kindle, so I don’t have to rely on being at school to print out my readings. Not that I don’t own a printer at home, I just don’t want to waste paper when I can print at school. I did as much reading as I could and fought off falling asleep. On Friday I had drama in the lab. A grad student that comes in apparently has a deal with a co worker where she can stay here late and do her work after the lab closes. She is trusted to do so and I don’t know how long this has been going on. I was never told of such an agreement, so when I was in charge of closing the lab I asked her to leave. She bitched and moaned about how she normally is allowed to stay and I apologized, I wasn’t told that she was allowed this. I just didn’t’ appreciate the comment she made about how she is a grad student and takes her work very seriously. It made me feel as if all the work I have done or do doesn’t mean anything since I’m not a grad student. I wrote Milly and Shelain about it and they both said I did the right thing. I told Rico about it and he discussed things with the girl. When she apologized to me she gave me a really half ass apology as well saying she was sorry and then saying how she felt she didn’t give me any attitude…

This should have been a sign to me of how crap the day was going to turn out. I went to go see Dr. Lanzone to ask her about discounts since I’m staff and we got caught up in a conversation. I left early since I had class at 3:35 but time started to fly by and I told her that I had to get to class before I was locked out. I ran to class and was a minute late. The door was closed, but I still walked in and found everyone taking the quiz. I said hi to Anna and she pointed out that the door was closed. I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she agreed and made a turn around and leave motion with her index finger and I did that. I went back to the office and told Shelain and she was just shocked that that happened. I mentioned that I was thinking of emailing her but she said only to do that if I am going to say sorry and it won’t happen again. I don’t know why she doesn’t want me to mention that I was talking to Dr. Lanzone. I’ll have to ask her when I see her in a few.

"Rain" by Mika

Saturday: So tonight my mother went out with her friends and I went as well. Any excuse to eat in this greek restaurant is reason enough to go. So we went and ate and spent time there enjoying the food and conversation. At one point the owner looked as if he were annoyed we were there after 2 hours so we packed up and left and went for desert. We stayed until the place was about to close and then went our separate ways.

When we got home, my mother noticed someone going into the abandoned, uncompleted building behind my house. A squatter more than likely is what the person was. This building that I behind my house was never completed for reasons that are unknown. The best guess is that it was due to zoning laws in regards to the height of the building. So it has been abandoned of construction and of human contact other than the drunks that now occupy the steps of the building and the people now possibly living inside illegally. I need to call up and report this since I worry about what might go on in there and if they will try to get out and try to break into my house. Something we definitely don’t need.

It reminds me of the dream I had the other day where my house was being robbed. I beat 3 of the robbers with a bat and texted a bunch of friends with my address asking them to please call 911. No one wanted to, and people responded saying no… Great dream…

On another note I changed my schedule for the last time. That one psych class I really need, is also being taught by Anna who I had last semester and loved. I know I will have to work my ass off but I know that with her she is very understanding if I am having a problem and will work with me. Unfortunately I am going to have to leave Bessy hanging since she can’t switch to the class I am in now. The good thing about this switch is that I will now be able to have more time to work in the lab.

"Medication" by Garbage

Thursday: Today went by pretty quickly and so much went on. I had my first day of class and I honestly didn’t expect a heavy work load from this professor. But isn’t that always how it is? You go to a class and the professor acts as if their class is the only class you have so they dump tons of assignments on you. After class I went to the communications lab and signed some paper work, then headed over to HR and took care of the paper work there. After having lunch with Milly by the fountain and shopping in the mall we went back to see Mayra where I finally asked what the job entailed. I thought I would be tutoring students, I was sadly mistaken. Well no, sadly isn’t a good word. More like jubilantly mistaken since the job is me being in charge of the Mac lab which is great. I can sit and do whatever assignments I want and if someone needs me I can then help them.

When I got home my mother wasn’t feeling well so I couldn’t get that anti-inflammatory for my knee. Milly asked me about it and I told her how I put it off, she said I shouldn’t have and it could get worse. I honestly don’t think it could get worse than it was…

I was dreading talking to Isadora. I didn’t know how the conversation was going to unfold, though it was pleasant. She said that she wasn’t finish dealing with the situation mentally and I understand. I can only imagine what she is going through. We left things on good terms, which is what I wanted. Though I think she is expecting me to write her emails 39463947942 times a day. It’s not going to be like that. I really honestly don’t plan on writing her. She also told me the reason why she removed Aisha. She felt she would contact her asking her why she isn’t talking to me, I know this isn’t true, and Aisha said that she wouldn’t have done that even if I asked. I knew this, but Isadora was terrified that Aisha was going to do this. Oh and also afraid she’d invite her to hang out with us. But whatever if that is how she felt I can’t do anything about it other than deal with it now and tell her that she is wrong. She reminded me to look up one of the classes I am taking, need this semester and found out that Anna is going to be teaching a section and I really want it. It changes my schedule and keeps me there later, but honestly I really don’t care. I just know that I can focus and do work for Anna. I wrote her and asked if that was her teaching the class and if so I want in badly. I hope I hear from her soon.

"My Name is Mud" by Primus

Wednesday: I have felt uneasy ever since that last conversation with Isadora. I have been trying to think of what the right thing to do is in a situation like this, but since I was never in one like this I don’t know what to do. I’ve been channeling my past therapist Randi mentally and not really knowing what she would say in this situation. I feel she would have left it up to me to do what I felt strongly about. The thing is, I didn’t really feel strongly about contacting her.

So I’ve just been doing other things to just take my mind off of the situation. But this situation really feels like something that is just going to keep haunting me. Maybe its due to the fact that I didn’t end the relationship on a horrible note with screaming yelling and an obviously clear presentation of us moving on. I really did not expect her to pursue fixing things, but that’s my fault for making it seem that it was what I wanted. I just feel that whatever she does it’s just temporary. Things will get fixed and then we will then be back to this point some time in the future. More than likely when her birthday rolls around since I really don’t intend on going for reasons of me being expected to go to hers and her not going to mine.

I went to see the Scissor Sisters yesterday in concert and they were amazing! I have wanted to go for a while now but they sell out really fast, especially in NY. I told Mike my trick on how to get tickets to shows that sell out really quickly. I put videos on youtube and have to put some others up on there as well. The method of trying to send them while I leave doesn’t always work since some tend to get errors and cancel which is great. So it only leaves me to do it at another time. Uploading slows my connection down grossly so its not like I can just do it when I’m on the computer doing other important things for school or playing WoW.

I saw last night after the show that Isadora wrote me, she says she wanted to talk. I felt relieved because I felt that it was all on me due to what happened. Only thing is picking a time to talk. I really don’t want her calling me late at night especially if it is going to aggravate me and I have to go to bed. I’ll end up not sleeping, being furious, calling Aisha to calm me down and not getting any sleep. This doesn’t really sound like something I want to deal with. I just will do what Aisha said to do and listen to what Isadora has to say. I wanted to tell her in my reply that if something is delicate, since she said she wanted to talk about it over the phone than email, she doesn’t have to talk to me about it. I honestly don’t need to know and never did. Aisha said maybe she wants someone to talk to about it now. I just feel that I am only really needed by her when she has something to talk about. I guess she might say it’s the same with me as well. But I don’t make myself unavailable to talk when something is up…

On a positive note I got a call from Mayra, looks like I am quite possibly going to be working this semester too. Which is great! I need the money badly. I’ll find more information out about the semester soon enough, I start class tomorrow.

"Where Is My Mind" by Pixies

Sunday: Looks like I haven’t updated since I had the hair drama, figures.

I feel like so much has gone on yet nothing at the same time. This summer was really interesting I have to say. It went by so quickly, and I feel like all the things I wanted to accomplish I didn’t. I still have yet to have my knee worked on, which isn’t good. I haven’t had any pains in it, but lately I have been having some pain. I don’t think I am on it more than before which would cause it. I would say I am on it an equal amount or a little less. I just don’t want to deal with how it was, where just walking up 3 steps seemed impossible for me to do. I’m more than likely going to have to have it done over the winter, or see how long I’ll be out of commission and do it during the semester.

Months ago Jessica told me that I should just talk to Isadora and get things over with her. I know I was thinking about what happened with her a little to much, as I always do. It was time for me to figure out what happened to lead to her to stop talking to me. I wrote her finally on fb and asked if she wanted to get together and she did. She said she wanted to catch up but when I wrote her back to find out about what it took her a week to get back to me with the excuse of her not being able to read it at work due to being busy. It wasn’t until I texted her and asked her what was up that I got a response. We had to make plans for Tuesday, which I hated since I had to miss a raid over meeting her. I’d rather raid… well when it comes to meeting her anyway since how I felt with the way our friendship has been going. I wanted to go to Tarina on Tuesday since I really don’t go to the city much unless I am in school. So to kill two birds I went to Tarina then to meet her. The train schedule was messed up and I ended up getting to meeting Isadora later than I wanted. She called me while I was in Tarina and when I told her where I was in the city she got all stupid with me saying how I said I would be in midtown and how I was somewhere else. I don’t know, I hate people that don’t listen to me. She told me to go to this place, this restaurant and I had to find directions on my phone real quick and then rushed my ass there since she already was there.

When I found the place she was in the back moving around the remains of her salad with her fork with a half empty class in front of her. She didn’t get up to greet me, but said hello from where she was sitting and obviously was tipsy. I wondered how many drinks she had since it use to take her numerous drinks to get her even buzzed. We sat down and made with the small talk, with random bouts of awkward silence where I just sat there and ate. I had a few drinks due to happy hour and then a beer to keep my buzz going. I felt that this probably would make things easier for me to talk to her about how she has been a shitty friend. It wasn’t until after we ate and discussed things going on in our lives and after I emptied my bladder that I was able to discuss things with her. I asked her why I haven’t heard from her and I could see she expected it, but didn’t. She said a few times that night that “so much has gone on” and “how she had been through a lot” since we last spoke. She wouldn’t say what, but some of the answers she gave me were just so blah. She couldn’t remember exact details, or just really, anything. Jessica warned me this in a joking manner prior to me meeting Isadora though. After the restaurant closed, we took the conversation outside and spoke while tourists snapped pictures with the police. She mentioned how in the past year she has forgotten things and it makes her feel as if she has Alzheimers. I pointed out that when I think of her that’s what I think of, someone with alzheimers, I think of my grandmother with dementia not remembering who I am. I might have a great memory for conversations and small things, but I also think that she remembers what’s important to her. if she feels its not worth remembering she just doesn’t bother. She said that I was at an advantage remembering things where she didn’t. Prior to meeting her, about last week, I made the decision to delete her on facebook. I decided to do this because I feel the trust is missing. Especially if something was so horrible for her to deal with she couldn’t come to me to discuss. But, I cannot make someone do something they don’t want to do nor do I wish to. I ended things with her on a positive note, the same way I ended it with Lissy. She could contact me when she felt she could commit to friendship and not be distant and pull her shit.

I left feeling great, not worrying about things anymore, that I could move on. I was happy with everything and yes I still deleted her… It wasn’t until 3am on Friday that she called me, apologizing for calling me so late but wanting to know why I deleted her. She pointed out how I left things on such a positive note, which I agreed on. To sum up our conversation I told her how yes I did delete her and that it was due to lack of trust, that she lost it with the way she acted. She said that I was being vindictive, and I said that I was so angry the past few months at her for what she did that if it hurt her any way close to how she hurt me that that was the point. She said I was playing games, and I pointed out how she played games with me avoiding me, blocking me on aim and making it so I couldn’t talk to her. She said that we met and that that should count. It seemed to be the running theme, that because she met with me that that should be what matters more than what she did previously. All and all that’s great but it doesn’t make up for things. Apparently she wanted an award for getting back to me, but as I pointed it out it was only until after I texted her that she contacted me. Again this was something that she pointed out that how she got back to me and to look at that more than her not doing anything. I kept saying how she could have come to me if something happened. She could have just said she was dealing with something and she would get back to me when she could. And then I did it. My unique ability to figure things out. To hit the hammer on the head as to why someone is acting a certain way. It wasn’t intentional for me to figure it out, or to say what I said, I was just expressing that I would be understanding no matter what. I said to her that she could have told me she was pregnant, with that she said “I was”, and I continued with and you could have even said you had an abortion and she replied with “I did”. Silence filled the phone only to be broken with muffled sniffles and then her crying. She had to go. Obviously this is what was taking up her time.

It wasn’t until I discussed it with my mother that she said that she probably wasn’t upset with that I was understanding and she didn’t give me a chance, but more embarrassed. I know I won’t know what its like to experience what she went through, but that doesn’t mean I still can’t be sympathetic and supportive.

"Jesus Hairdo" by Charlatans U.K.

Monday: This weekend did not go the way I had planned… I have been looking forward to getting my hair done for the past month. I have wanted to have my hair color changed to blonde for years now and I finally felt it was time for me to do it. Why not? I have had almost every color except for blonde so it was worth a shot. I found the color I wanted and everything was set. When I got to Lee she was a little frazzled with plans she had after she cut my hair and with her appointments. She was afraid that she wouldn’t have enough time after she finished working on everyone to go to a bbq. This is obviously none of my concern but I will show you how it became my concern. She mixed the color I brought with some powder to bleach my hair, which was called quick blue. She said it was going to bleach and dye my hair at the same time. I was impressed, I remember years ago I was trying to get this Framesi color that would do just that but I didn’t know they made it so you could do it with any color. After she applied it to my hair I waited for the change to begin. Another client came and I sat in her living room, and then another woman came as well. I had an hour and a half appointment, I just figured Lee was running late. Little did I know that the two people that arrived did not have an appointment they were just walk ins and they pretty much caused my hair to become destroyed. Since I wasn’t in her sight for her to see how the color developed it made my hair a bright shade of orange and my roots an even brighter shade of yellow. Not the dirty blonde color I wanted. After she cut my hair she assured me it would look different after I put gel in it, I haven’t put gel in my hair for over 8 years…

When I got home I was disgusted with what happened and kept my hat on. I was really miserable especially after my mother commented on how I should just dye it brown or black. This would especially show Lee that I was pissed with what happened and that she fucked up my hair resulting in me dying it black. Mike called me to find out what was going on for the night since we had plans and I wanted him to got to Ricky’s for me since there is one by him and to get me color to try to fix this mess. He was able to get me color but I didn’t fix it until the next day. The bright orange was dulled but still it was not the color I wanted. Poor Aisha had to hear me bitch and moan about what happened but I explained the situation to her as to why things did not work out as to how I wanted them due to Lee trying to™ cram people in that did not have appointments. I still don’t understand why she was throwing people in when she felt she was so pressed for time and had an event later on she was worried about. I feel that her error has become my responsibility to fix. Well it is something I need to fix, its my hair. I don’t want my hair to be some bizarre freakish color. I was wanting something natural. I have had pink and purple streaks in my hair but I never had my whole head something bizarre. I am hoping that tomorrow after I style it, it doesn’t still look insane and actually is a reasonable color.

I need to go in tomorrow and sign some paper work for the summer program. Mayra was being cryptic and didn’t really explain what it was. I don’t remember doing it any previous years, and I know its not for payroll. I am up late typing an entry when I should be asleep but I can’t help it since I am not tired and my blood sugar having a low is keeping me up eh.

I also have to share this randomness. I went to watch porn, not that it really makes me want to do anything I think I just watch it just cause. I was watching this clip taken from dirty tony and it had a bunch of guys standing around. One of the looked particularly familiar, but it wasn’t the type of familiar you get from noticing someone from another movie. It was more like I know them from outside of this scenario. So as I watched and noticed a tattoo that gave it all away on the guys chest, it is this guy that Matt happens to have as a friend on fb that comments on all his shit. So I go to the guys facebook page and look at his pics and after identifying his other tattoo in the video it pretty much confirmed it was him. It kinda freaked me out, makes me wonder about people.

"Rock and Roll" by Led Zeppelin

Saturday: This summer is going by quickly and yet slowly at the same time. The new pattern for the way my days have been going is following that of the summer program. I am working at my college again as a teaching assistant. I don’t have any complaints other than my hours which are 5pm-8pm. They really kill my entire day, I can’t do anything before hand since I’d have to make sure I make it home in time to get the train and get to class. These weren’t my hours originally, I was supposed to work 9am-12pm and with a different instructor, but things changed. I don’t have any complaints about the students this semester. The class is nice and small and I really enjoy doing it. If I didn’t I would definitely not be back this year doing this.

The spring 10 semester went by actually pretty fast, which has it’s ups and downs. I’ll really miss the classes I was taking. Especially experimental psychology, not only did I enjoy the class and the students but the professor and recitation leader. I did work my ass off in that class and was speechless when I received an A in the class. I also received an A in my photography class. I really didn’t know where things were going to go with that class, but they went well which is great. The two As pulled up my gpa to 3.2 which is fantastic. I am tempted to meet with someone from graduate admissions to see what they would have to say with getting an A in one of the most difficult psychology classes in the program, and about my gpa. Obviously I need to keep my gpa this high or better and I worry about the next semester’s classes. One I am taking just as an elective and the other I need. Psych 475… I am not looking forward to the professor based on what Anna said about them. I just wish I could find someone better and then hope that Bessy can take the class with me. I know I’ll be working my ass off this coming semester, probably not as much as I did in the spring, but close.

"Apparitions" by Matthew Good Band

When you least expect it something happens. Sometimes it may be good or bad, it is the unexpected.

I have thought of Michelle ever since she was killed. I wondered for a while why I never had a dream with been exhausted. I have been having headaches due to the stress from my research project and trying to get it complete.

I fell asleep this afternoon and took a nap. I dreamt I was with Michelle and we were leaving a concert. I was going to ask her for the money for the tickets but I remembered her birthday passed and realized this was her gift. She asked me if I wanted to go to Sephora and I said yes, so we walked up a flight of stairs together and I woke up. I believe it was my father's fault for me waking up, I would have liked the dream to not end so soon, of to not be a dream. She is welcome to come visit me whenever she wants...

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In...

I feel in situations where people fuck up around me and I am in a position of being thr bad guy, I tend to feel like an adult.


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"Half Mast" by Empire of the Sun

Sunday: Ugh! I’m getting lazy with updating this again. I hate when this happens. So much has gone on lately too, I’ll have to see what sticks out of my mind.

First off, some how out of some stroke of luck, or was it fate, I bumped into Lissy’s friend John. He was in a diner not far from my house. The train station staircase I normally walk up was under construction forcing me to walk down the one on the opposing side. When I got home from class I was later than normal. I was walking down the stairs slowly due to my knee acting up and just looked down and saw inside of the diner and saw John. I called Jessica not really sure what to do and then decided to go inside. When I spoke to him, I basically found out that yeah she cut off everyone and him. He didn’t know that she had a kid or anything like that and when I shared some things that went on with her he was really surprised. I felt relieved with the new information well basically that she really did cut everyone off. I still want to see her sister and see what she has to day.

My classes are coming to an end, which I honestly can’t believe. My experimental class actually is going to pretty much end after the test Wednesday, but I will still have recitation where I am working on my research project. Things are going well with that, despite the disastrous crap that went on with the survey. I think when it comes to dealing with people and asking them to do something like help with a survey they act fucked up, or tend to not care. Karla and I analyze the results when we can in class and some things people said make you really wonder how serious they took the survey. Not very serious is, the conclusion that I came to. Still not really sure what to do with the data which makes me not want to move far from where Anna is. I know Bessy is having a similar situation though Enchantment isn’t doing much to help her.

Speaking of enchantment she is acting like an asshat. For one of my assignments in photography I had to do staged photography. So I invited Bessy and Karla, and assorted others that didn’t make it, it to this idea I had where I was taking pictures of people in the cemetery to make it seem like they were ghosts after I treated the pictures in photoshop. Anyway I didn’t get to finish the assignment and was chased out due to not being allowed to take posed pictures in the cemetery, but that’s not what I am getting at. Enchantment wanted me to invite her, but in all seriousness even though she might be a decent friend I needed someone to depend on and I know she is not dependable so I wasn’t going to invite her. Her behavior is totally similar to Isadora in the sense of getting bent over something and then acting very immaturely about things instead of directly addressing the situation.

Hello lover...

I finally was able to play with an ipad today. I have to say I definitly fell in love. If I had the money inwould buy one, but what would I use it for? I would be terrified to use it on the train. I would worry someone would hit me over the head and steal it. I liked the keyboard that came up on the screen the most. I could see myself using that instead of bringing a laptop to class to take notes on, but I think that would be it. It has Kindle available for it but as I tried to launch it on the pad, it just kept crashing. It probably was due to so many people playing with the floor samples that it crashes. One of them was even set in Korean. It still makes me think of a giant iPhone/ itouch though. I think the kindle probably is still the better choice...



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Milksteak

I started to write an entry but it was during class. I would have finished it too if it wasn't for the professor going over the program SPSS. I started to work on the data Karla and I collected and had some issues with the program. At one point my head exploded after the program started to give weird responses. This was my fault though for saving everything to my USB drive and then removing it. Not sure why I so had a memory lapse and couldn't remember any of this. But I did after talking to the professor about what was causing the program to shit itself. I'll more than likely finish coding the data and then writing about it on Wednesday. Well I'll finish the coding part anyway.
thank goodness I printed out the survey questions and the answer choices to help code things differenly.


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Lazy

I hate when I get lazy with posting entries. I tend to get into this rut where I just keep telling myself I'll do it tomorrow and then I don't. It makes me think of Sponge Bob where the quote about doing things now instead of putting them off was mocked. "Why do today what you can do tomorrow" and basically because you don't know what tomorrow will bring. So I need to get on path and start back up again. Hopefully tomorrow...


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"Lucid Dreams" by Franz Ferdinand

Saturday: I knew that this semester would be overwhelming with work, but its good to know that I can take time and enjoy a day with Aisha and relax. Its good to vent and just get things off my mind, though I am sure anyone would agree with me on this one. So far with my psych class I feel that my group is ahead of the others. I know Karla agrees, it does appear that way. We are currently working on our survey questions trying to figure out how to phrase them.

In photography I am ahead with assignments. I submitted the second one before it was due. This also gave me time to redo one of the images that I wasn’t happy with which works out great. I asked a friend from high school that now is a photographer for some help with the staged photography that I have to do. It’s weird calling someone you haven’t spoken to in years and just pick up a conversation. Jessica agreed, and said how it would just be easier to talk through email. I explained why phone calls are better when it comes to asking questions. But I did feel the awkwardness… but that did pass. Apparently his studio isn’t that far from where I live, only a matter of minutes away. He told me to stop by and he would show me and explain some things to me in regards to the camera.

There was some drama going on in the house though, well with my family I should say. My aunt called the other day asking for a family recipe and my mother doesn’t want her to have it. not that it’s a complicated one, but she just didn’t want her to have it. I don’t blame her. Since my mother didn’t call her, she called again saying how her and my cousin wanted us over for Easter. My mother ignored that as well and warned me that I would receive a text from my aunt, which I did. She was hoping everything was alright. My mother told me to tell her that my father was in the hosp, just got home and that I am out. My aunt wrote back saying she hoped everything was alright with that and my mother eventually called her. My mother just told her she didn’t want to go up state and that it was such an inconvenience for my aunt to get us, drive us there, home, and then her go back. My mother also said that if my cousin really wanted us there he could call us, which he did this morning early. My mother was on the phone with him for a while. I woke up and took my insulin and went back to bed hearing them talk dreaming their conversation out in my head. My mother told me all about it when I was finally awake. She told me how my aunt told my cousin her version of the story, note I didn’t say side. My aunt changes things around for her benefit. So if it makes someone else look bad it really doesn’t matter. Sadly I know what its like to be at the end of her stories. My mother didn’t end up giving him the recipe which I know she wasn’t going to part with. My cousin also didn’t know my mother didn’t have any of his contact info. She lost all of it since it was on the computer that she was using for work. My cousin gave her the information and he asked my mother to call his mother, her sister, every now and again just to say hello. Apparently she has a lot of sleepless nights, thinking about everything that happened. My mother said to me, not him, that that is to bad and not her fault. She knows she put us in a fucked up situation, her losing sleep over it is the least she can do.

"Flashdance II" by Matthew Good

Wednesday: I have been busy with my power point presentation on the social interactions in World of Warcraft. I was worried all the information I would present would be like that woman from the other section that went on for 30 min about bi polar disorder and put me to sleep. I was told I snored…

My father was released on Tuesday which was odd since he was supposed to go for more tests later in the week. When I called my mother on my way home on Tuesday I was shocked to hear this. We were going to visit him and then bam! He is being discharged. When I got in we headed to pick him up. he was waiting at a bus stop and it was a mess. He came in the car and we had to shop to buy some food quickly before going home. The first thing he did was shower, but I would have done the same. It was weird having him back home but then again it was stranger without him. I did miss him even though he is a huge pain in my ass, and make unnecessary comments that really irritate me.

While we were coming home I saw my neighbor’s wife. I startled her and then told her what happened. She said nothing had come in the mail yet but they would let me know. Luckily the insurance card came today, but only the one for doctor’s visits not prescriptions so I am still screwed for now.

Today I presented my presentation and was really iffy about things. The fact the all the little animations I had in the presentation wouldn’t load due to power point running the presentation on another computer couldn’t locate the original file destination so they just “sat and looked pretty” as Jessica pointed out to me as she viewed mine. So my only option was to plug in my macbook pro and see what happened. I had to unplug the projector from the desk in the room and it worked perfectly. All I can say was perfect. Time flew by. I wasn’t expecting to e up there long and it didn’t feel long. I spoke for maybe 10 min or so but answered 40 minutes of questions! When Enchantment pointed it out to me I nearly died. I worried that I would be deducted points since the max time limit was 15 min. Anna came over and told me how awesome my presentation was and I was elated to hear that. Bessy told me I should do hers I told her I would, but I really can’t. Karla and I discussed our project and so we don’t step on any toes we are only going to use the students in class and not the students from my high school. Especially since Mr. I is taking forever to answer me. When I left I met up with Milly, went to the bank and came home.

When I checked my email I received 20/20 on my presentation and said my presentation was “absolutely fabulous” which I was beyond happy to hear. When I wrote her back and said I was afraid people would find it boring she said “That was by far the best presentation we've had and the students loved it!” I have to say that made my day.

"Generation X-Wing" by Matthew Good

Monday: I have discovered that when I’m really stressed I develop OCD tendencies. With the problem I’m having with my class and feeling like I’m behind, the research paper I am working on, and now worrying about my father I guess you could say I am having a flair up. It also didn’t help that Mike wanted me to go away and I wanted to but I can’t do my work fast enough and now I can’t leave my mother alone in the house because I know she would need someone to help her get around.

Today when I got to class Karla and Bessy were not in. Enchantment actually sent me a text prior asking where everyone was. Our lab class was combined with another class section. Unfortunately it’s going to be like that on Wednesday and of course I have a presentation that day. This student from the other section, an older woman gave her presentation with her fancy color printed hand out. I felt horrible for nodding off several times while listening to her go on about bipolar disorder and mania. She was motivated to use this topic for her presentation after her brother died of bipolar disorder. Enchantment turned to me confused and asked me “you can die from being bipolar?” and I answered with “I guess so, maybe he neglected himself and he died.” He could also killed himself, but I thought of this after. When Anna was talking about the assignment due on Monday I nearly shit my pants. My hand jetted in the air and when she called on me I couldn’t get the words out fast enough. She came over to where I was sitting to talk to Enchantment and to me. Apparently she was doing more work than she should have. Basically the assignment is I am supposed to find the 5 journal articles I will be using to write my paper and then I write about them in an introduction to my paper which would be about 5 pages. My jaw dropped because Karla did not tell me this. She made it seem like it was just summaries of 5 articles. Even though she found 3 already I still don’t know what they are, nor which I will use.

While I was printing out my journal for literature review I saw Professor Lane. I spoke to him about the summer program and he asked when I could start working. I said in July since the end of May to June I will be dealing with the surgery of my knee. Discussing who I wanted to work with I said Milly but he said she wouldn’t be doing any workshops. I said I really wanted to work with Dr. Lanzone again. He said she really likes me and asked if I wanted to work for her four days a week for eight hours and I nearly crapped my pants. Last summer I didn’t do it only because I would be getting out so late plus I had morning class. I would end up walking in the door to my house and collapsing to the floor. I told him I have time to think about it and he said he was going to email the tutors. I wouldn’t normally ask about someone else personal dealing with someone especially in a job setting but I was wondering about what he thought of Aisha. He told me he never got her resume and my jaw dropped. I told him I knew for a fact she sent it cause she was on the phone with me and he said he never got it. I called her and had to tell her she needed to send it again and she was shocked to hear that he never received it. hopefully he can place her this summer with someone, hopefully not a prof that is retarded or socially awkward.

When I got home all hell was breaking loose. All I needed was the wall to be menstruating blood and women screaming flailing their bodies to some rhythmic beat. My father had been calling my mother all day, and not making sense. He even called me while I was in class but I didn’t answer my phone. My mother said he was calling telling her what is going on with him but he wasn’t making sense. I am hoping that its just because he is sick right now and that’s why he isn’t making sense because it worries me. I really don’t know if I’d be able to take care of my mother and my father especially now. She is going to try and get a hold of the doctor tomorrow when we go or earlier in the day. She told him that when the doctor visits him to call the house and talk to her.

Anna emailed Karla and I about our research paper and really feels we should stick with college students. I am thinking I am going to do that, especially because fucking Mr. I hasn’t emailed me back yet. I really would like to talk to him on the phone about things, but apparently he thinks I want to sit and chit chat for endless hours over nonsense. If Karla feels that maybe we should stick with college students I am going to just do that. I am then going to email Mr. I and tell him that I am no longer going to conduct research at the school because he didn’t answer me when I needed it. I had a deadline and he didn’t get back to me. I know he has a life, a busy one and a busy job at the high school but he could return a phone call. Just so I could ask him a question and move forward instead of sitting stagnant in shit not knowing which way to go.