"Modern Guilt" by Beck

"So you're having Easter dinner in a diner?" Me

"Yup, we are eating dinner at a diner on the day Jesus died for us." Jess

After talking to Mike and Jessica I see that I am not the only one that feels this Easter isn't like the others. Over time they stop feeling the same, it's what you make of it. But then again that can go for any holiday. As families grow or shrink, family pass away, we make new families, things change. I'm not really the biggest fan of chance, but in recognize that it happens. It's something we can't avoid. While Jessica is having Easter dinner in a diner, Mike told me that his family wasn't celebrating this year. He told me his father's girlfriend invited him over though. He just wasn't sure if he should go or not. I thought about inviting over to my house for the holiday but I didn't know if I should. I would have to clean up the kitchen table and make sure things were in order since they aren't now. Being home on break I've really seen how little my father does in the house, how I am expected to take over where he left off. Not really something I want, especially if I get into grad school. I don't want what is going on now to continue, which is something I told my mother some time ago.

My spring break is over Tuesday and in feel like now its crunch time to enjoy what I have left of it. Not to say I haven't already, just some last things to do. Tomorrow I am taking the school'a photography club to the cemetery. I always get excited taking someone new there and this definitely is overload since it's more than one person. I believe it's thirteen. Then Tuesday I am going with Mike to see the Game of Thrones exhibit before it closes Wednesday. If I knew it was here I would have been there already. I am excited none the less to go and experience all that with him. Then once I am back at school I have to plan this photoshop seminar which is exciting and scary.

"Memorial" by Explosions In The Sky

I have been planning on writing on here, but just haven't been setting time aside to do so. I am sitting here thinking about things. This entry really isn't about anything going on in my life other than the fact that I miss Michelle...

When I was talking to Mike earlier about some things he is dealing with, he mentioned that his mother passed away four years ago. I couldn't believe it has been four years. This also means that Michelle has been gone for four years since she was killed a month after Mike's mother. It seems like such a long time. I honestly cannot put into words how I feel thinking about this let alone how I feel horrible for not keeping the promise I made to her when I first visited her grave. I promised I would visit her once a year and I had stuck to that promise. Then two years ago I wasn't able to visit her in the summer and went in the fall close to halloween since I had a day off from work. That bothered me that I had put things off until then and this makes me feel worse, not going for a year. I felt that I had to make that promise to her since making plans with her when she was alive didn't work. I put things off and had excuses that it was to late to see her since she got out work when I was finished with class, and then make excuses about the weather. I regret that I did that and it's something I have to live with...

It is really strange thinking about someone that passed away, especially if it is sudden. I remember her, things she said, things we did, but when it comes to remembering her face the only thing that comes up immediately is the picture that is her main one on facebook. It was the picture used by all the news agencies as well. When I look at pictures of her on her memorial page, it almost feels like I am looking at someone I don't know. Someone I hardly remember. When I talk about her passing, it isn't easy. I have to invest so much energy in making sure I don't burst into tears that I wonder if it is even worth me mentioning. The only place, other than in private, that I really allow myself to lose it is when I am in session. I remember just crying when I told Felicia about it, and when I discussed it with Joanne I did become emotional.

There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think about her and how I miss her. Sometimes I feel that her death is the reason why Chrissy didn't go back to school to finish her degree. Her major reminds her of Michelle, and how they would spend hours together working in the lab with others and see each other every day. I sometimes wonder if I am dwelling, though I feel I talk about it, as helpful as that may be, I wonder if I will ever be able to move on.

"Medication" by Garbage

To help with my anxieties, Joanne suggested I see the nurse practitioner at the clinic. She could help with prescribing me something to calm me down. I met with her and her recommendation is that I should take this drug called Propranolol. She assured me that it isn’t addictive, and that it won’t conflict with any other medication or cause side affects if I drank. It sounded pretty awesome, but there is one side affect I found out that isn’t awesome. Of course this side affect doesn’t affect everyone, just diabetics. Lucky…Me… This drug is a beta blocker, in low doses it calms people. Slows their heart rate down, and lets them relax. When someone is diabetic and has a hypoglycemic episode, a low, their heart races. So now by taking this drug, I will have a hard time knowing when exactly I am having a low. I have been hyper vigilant with checking my blood sugar and trying to see if I am in fact having a low. Strangely enough I have been finding that I am having more highs than usual, which isn’t good. I know that I would have to have high blood sugars for a while for it to affect my A1C reading since that is an average of the three months, so something must be up. When I saw my endo my A1C was up to 7. something. Not really going in a direction I want, I would prefer it to go down a little than up. Especially since I want to go get another tattoo. It isn’t going to help me if my blood sugar is high and I get work done. It will only make the tattoo heal slower and more prone to infection since the bacteria will be feasting on the sugar in my blood.

So I have been taking this drug for what will be two weeks this coming Friday. I needed to get a physical for the nurse and was able to go get that done today. When I met with her I told her that I needed it. Maybe it’s me, and I should have given her more information from the start. She continued to hit me up with a myriad of questions that seemed to only confuse her more, and myself. When I explained it was for another doctor, again she was still confused. Finally I said that it was for a mental health clinic and a doctor I was seeing. From her reaction, apparently the fact that I see a psychologist on my own volition is bizarre. I have to apparently be forced to go by someone and kick and scream every time I be there. Or I need to be drooling on myself and not able to function due to some schizoid bipolar issue. Anxiety doesn’t cut it nor does “I just want someone to talk to.” It wasn’t comforting… I felt that I wasn’t viewed as being in need of seeing someone. I should just deal with my issues like she probably does, talks to her significant other and friends and leave it at that. When we moved past this and she examined me, when I presented her with my blood work she went through it quickly. Suggested I take a multi vitamin, my cholesterol was low, and that I should have my diabetes under better control. She stated that I am too young to not have it under control. I didn’t want to take this to much to heart since I already have an endocrinologist that just focuses on that for me and will let me know if things are out of control. I know that if my primary doctor was there, his head would have been spinning and made me feel that I am not taking care of myself and am on a spiraling path leading to eminent death. I’m not. (On a side note which I am not sure if I ever mentioned, my primary care physician has it out for me. All because when I was in my teens, one day I didn’t have my blood sugar under control and had candy before I saw him. He tested my blood, saw this, and threw a shit fit calling my endo at that time and raising a stink. I didn’t hear the end of this for a few years, until I stopped seeing that endo that asked me why doctors were calling him. If he pulled that now I think I probably would not hold my tongue and say I understand your concern but I didn’t sit and inhale 398 snickers bars and washed it down with 483454 bottles of soda and tell him to stop treating me like I threw his mother in front of a bus.) So I am happy that he wasn’t there, then again I may have to go back to have the paper work for the physical filled out Monday and see him. If he says anything I can talk to him about it, and tell him that I really don’t appreciate feeling this way when I come here, I come here because he is good doctor I don’t want to come here and feel like I am a drug addict and not taking care of myself. Then again if I were maybe the other doctor wouldn’t think I was weird for seeing a psychologist when I am not mentally ill and just have some anxiety issues. But before I forget she suggested I get off the Propranalol as soon as possible and seek another medication since it masking the hypoglycemic episodes is not good.

I don’t know if this medication is even calming me. I honestly feel overwhelmed, then again I am dealing with my graduate applications going out and time is ticking away. I don’t know when I will get them in. One I need Mike to drive me to the campus and show me where to submit them. I don’t know it since I don’t go there and he does. I wanted to go before classes started but again that doesn’t seem to be happening since I have yet to finish my damn personal statement. I really hate them, especially ones asking detailed information. Why can’t I just write “pick me!!!” but then wouldn’t everyone write that? On Friday when I see this nurse I need to tell her what is going on and hope that I can figure out what to do then. As Joanne pointed out, one of my major problems might be that I don’t know what exactly is causing the anxiety in my life so how can I address it when itls not clear. 

"Sorrow" by The National

I though I would add more to my previous entry I just haven't had time plus that one should be separate from everything else I write.

I've been working on my applications and only have two that I am almost finished with. I wish there was someone to talk to to help me with all of this. It really sucks that the only option you have with counselors are the ones at your school which advise you to go to the college you are at and they are associated with. I wish there were general advisors that can suggest programs anywhere.

I remember when Jessica was applying to Hunter, how she was struggling with the personal statement. Now that I am trying to work on mine for them I see the problems she had. It isn't easy and they ask questions that I honestly don't know how to answer. I hate writing personal statements, I honestly don't know what to say to best sell myself. I emailed Anna for help since she helped me out the last time. Comparing the personal statement is wrote last to the one I wrote years ago, the newer one was significantly better. I haven't heard from her, but I hope I do soon so I know what to do next since I feel like I am stuck. The other problem is trying to get one application out and bringing it to the school. Since Mike went there he would know the campus best but when can we both go? Class starts next week and that means so does work for me. So when can I go? I am getting my transcripts so late I feel like they won't get it on time. For hunter I have about a week and a half and for my other application March 15. I need to still get it in soon so I can have an interview early. I need to get these done asap. Need my cold to go away just as fast too!


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"Farther" by Vacationer

I have been so busy that I have yet to really find any time to think. Of course this all started when I received the rejection letter for grad school. I pretty much put all my eggs in one basket, a basket that I thought I didn't have to worry about. I feel that I am an attractive applicant, presenting a lot to the program; with my research experience and award I felt I was a shoe in. But, I wasn't. When I scheduled an appointment to meet with the new person in charge of admissions, I didn't know what to expect. The opening question, that seems to come out of everyone's mouth that I meet is, “Do you know why you were not accepted into the program?” My response to this is, that I have an idea but please tell me so I am sure. Marisol, the graduate advisor, pulled out my application. Everything I had submitted was printed, no longer in its origional digital form all bundled together into a neat packet. Written on the pages, were notes and arrows as if it were some neat treasure map. Circled was my quantitative score on the GRE. Given, I did not do well on the overall test, the singular reason as to why I wasn't let in was my math score. The follow up question was: “Have you scheduled yourself to take the GRE again?” and of course, I did not. I did not have any plans in taking that test again nor thinking about it again. After talking to Marisol, she said I was very well spoken and it would be in my best interest to meet with the director of the program. To prepare she suggested getting a portfolio together consisting of: three additional letters of recommendation, a letter from my therapist stating I have test anxiety, and finally some samples of my writing. She these words flew out of her mouth I was already planning what I would show for my writing and who I would ask for an additional letter. I thanked her and headed back to my office. By the time I got settled, an hour had passed and the director was calling me. He asked if I knew why I didn't get into the program and I stated that it was due to my Gre score. He also pointed out that my gpa was 2.5, “but that is my old gpa, I have a new one” I stated. He replied with “yeah, yeah, I know you now have a 3.45 but you received a C in both stats and psych and law.” Yes I did, that semester was horrible for me. Dealing with Mike's mother passing and then the murder of Michelle did not help me with concentrating in school. I knew sharing this information with him would fall on deaf ears. So I finally asked him what would happen with me taking the Gre again and he answered with “Nothing.” He continued with “you are an undesirable candidate and it would be best if you looked for another college.” Honestly I didn't know what to say to him, being nasty wouldn't accomplish anything so I just thanked him for his time and hung up.

I met with Anna shortly after and told her what happened and she was amazed but not surprised. She said that the people in the psych dept treat the students like shit. So I found some other programs and I need to apply to them. As for right now, I have three programs to apply to. I just need to make time to start the applications and give the professors a heads up.

(I originally wrote this December 19, 2012)

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