"I Found A Whistle" by MGMT

I feel like by the time someone else is appointed to me to continue sessions with me until Felicia returns, she will be back. That sounds selfish of me. I am sure there are patients that have more serious psychological issues that need to be helped, which take top priority over what I am going through. I am hoping they are seeing someone by now. If they aren't it isn't very fair to them either to have to wait for someone to contact them. When I called and asked about things they told me that the matching process takes a while. They are looking for someone that can fit my needs and also is available when I am. Jessica asked me if I would want to see someone else. I won't like, I did put some thought behind that idea and it seems like a pain in the ass. It is difficult finding someone to confide in. You have to start off hearing a little about them, and then feel that when you discuss your problems you don't feel like they are forcing you to tell them things. It has to be natural. Given, with Felicia I tend to push myself. I feel that I can and I am in a safe place. Who knows, if I did this I might just find someone even better. The biggest problem with this is that when this semester ends and I am no longer working, I lose my insurance. Unless I am working over the summer, but I doubt it. I would then have to go back to health plus and if they don't take that insurance I have to go and look for someone new. It doesn't seem worth it over all to me. I'll just wait. Wait and make a list really of things so when I go back I can say "Hi so I have 304320483423 issues that I need to discuss." And then the say oh really and open the window and jump out. They won't get far, its only about 3 stories the building… maybe 4…

This past week at work I have been getting in early. I should say I am getting in the time that I am scheduled instead of at 11. I found a method that works for me with getting up. I use my last iphone as an alarm, as I use my current, and have it placed across the room so I have to get up to shut it off. The funny thing is the film professor comes to the lab when I am not there and is looking for me. Usually after 10 am. I have been getting in around that time and the funny thing is he doesn't come. When I did talk to him this week I helped him with the dilemma of finding a way to store the film equipment so that students would be able to access it more easily, especially the new professor teaching film production. We had this 7ft tall closet delivered which might as well have been made out of tooth picks since it was so poorly made. All you need is someone to push it away from the wall and kick the back in and you can steal whats inside. So I suggested the black filing cabinet like the one I keep the supplies locked in. I found the key and he tested it and really liked the idea. So I cleaned it out and was raped by the folders giving me paper cuts left and right which felt lovely. All I needed was some lemon and salt.

I was trying to talk to Jessica this weekend and talk about things going on but it was pretty rough. She wasn't feeling so great most days, or out late for work, or on a date with that Anthony guy she is seeing. She is trying to cram as much time as she possibly can into seeing him before this coming weekend since that god forsaken wedding is coming up. I look forward to it being over so I don't have to hear anything else about it. She asked me to go, kinda, and I told her if she needed me I would go. Honestly I would just be doing it for her. I know that if I did go with her, I wouldn't be spending much time with her since she'd be up and doing other things since she is part of the bridal party. It wouldn't be fun, she told me that. So tonight and yesterday I tried to make the most of the time I got to speak with her. I told her about my glasses, the new ones I got, and how I have to keep going back for them to fix them. First time I got them the lenses were all scratched how can I see with that seriously? Then the frames fall off my face when I eat. Now they seem fine. Lets hope it stays that way. Then there is the mater of the bracelet I got from The Great Frog, and no I will not discuss the price either. It's a toggle clasp and I discussed with Chris, that works there, that I was afraid of losing it. He assured me that wouldn't happen and I believed it since the other one I have doesn't come loose or undone. Well yeah guess what, it fell off last night while I was out and thank God it was right in front of me.  After spending hours googling toggle clasps there is literally nothing out there. Today at least I found something though. There can be a chain that is attached for safety reasons that prevents the bracelet from completely falling off incase it opens, or you get it tightened so it is closer to your wrist. I think I need to have the chain shortened so that it doesn't come undone. It was way to expensive for me to just lose somewhere thoughtlessly.

One of the graduate students that works in the graduate lab comes and visits me now. This guy Glen. We would always talk about him in the office because he would always come and ask for a tissue, and he has a pretty big nose. He used up one of our boxes too. Before we knew it the box was empty and we would comment about him being the cause of it. We were talking recently and discussing the GRE, my favorite topic in the world. He was telling me how the questions changed, which is what I heard. I heard it was made easier, but based off of what he told me I am surprised there aren't more people running for the hills. There are questions that ask you to pick two right answers out of the selection. That sounds horrible. I have been putting things off too which isn't what I want. I need to make a move when it comes to the fall and go to school or something. This whole working thing set me back so far and now I need to do something with myself. I think I am putting off the GRE because I am afraid of failing and being rejected. That is the only thing I can think of...

"Avalanche" by Matthew Good

Well I feel like I may have gotten hit with an avalanche recently. Some things just have gotten a little crazy and I feel I am getting distracted from what I need to do. I really need to focus on finding a gre class and getting that out of the way. I need to not focus on events and things out on, though some are stressing me out to think about. It also doesn't help that Felicia is not available to help me. I spoke to Dr. Giviens who helped me find Felicia, and she said all the concerns I have about this new person I can take up with them when we meet. She also said I should call them and tell them this is disrupting my schedule. I didn't call I really am waiting for them. I will have to call this week though since I would have missed two sessions if this was with Felicia. I still have my list of third to discuss with her, I have yet to add anything to it.

This week I had an altercation with Milly over something stupid. I understand that she may be in class and I run around doing things she might not be aware of, but I think she should pay attention more. The automatic stapler ran out of staples so I filled it. A student came in and Molly sent them to me. I pointed to the stapler and they went back to where Milly was standing only to be sent back to me. I was annoyed she wasn't paying attention and I raised my voice a little so she would wake up and asked what she was doing and I told her I filled the stapler. She said she didn't know and when she came into my office she said how I need to learn how to talk to people. I got infuriated and wanted to tell her to learn to listen, but I said nothing and just did continued to write questions for Mobruka. Questions, mind you, that were ridiculously difficult for her students to complete. It was fun though watching their heads explode as they read them and tried to answer them.

I have been trying to not over think the while situation with Milly though I noticed that she doesn't stay in the office long after her classes are over. She just leaves. Is fine with me honestly because the room gets crammed. Especially when she lets students into my office to talk to them. It's annoying. So she will leave early and not say much which is fine. I need to talk to Mobruka about it better and tell her that the reason I am not cleaning my office faster is so that they have a place to stay until her office is ready. I also like the company, not a fan of being there alone. Especially if drama ensues.

I wish I had someone else to go to concerts with since I feel I exhaust Mike with all the shows I want to go to. The most recent was Matthew Good and what made things rough with this show is the fact it didn't start at 7pm but at 9:30pm. Matthew Good didn't perform until 11 which upset Mike since he had early class the next day. When we got there and found out when he was going to perform I told Mike we could leave but he insisted on staying. I am happy we did the show was overall really good, even if I couldn't meet him after the show like he normally does since he was sick.

I wanted to write an entry sooner here but since this week sped by I didn't get a chance to really work on each day. I also get lazy and don't feel like writing here all the time and put things off. This week has been crazy too. I have this vent problem in my office that apparently I only feel. It caused me to have some sort of neuralgia where I have this pain being my eye that leads to my neck and ear. I went to see my eye doctor and he told me my vision is fine there isn't anything to worry about. Of course I expected the worst. To hear I was going to lose my vision or my eye was going to fall out. I told Mike all about this and just relaxed as we went out to dinner. I didn't want to go out by him but he asked so I agreed. Everything was fine until he had a massive anxiety attack in the middle of the restaurant. He said he wanted an ambulance and got hysterical running out the door. It made me so horribly nervious I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt as if I were going to throw up all over the place. He came back in and I talked him out of it. He calmed down finally and was able to relax. I wanted to talk to Felicia about ways to calm him but I feel I did a great job of doing so on my own. During our car ride back to his house I told I'm how I bumped into Vanessa who basically guilted me about Alicia's wedding. I didn't plan on going since its in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Mike said that I shouldn't feel pressured into that which is how Jessica feels as well especially since we don't really have the money. I know she is busy with a weddings as well. I'm tired of hearing about them honestly. I have my cousins to consider in the falls as well which will require me to get on a plane. I look forward to them being over.

And on a side note, it isn't ever fun leaving your wallet somewhere and realizing it when you are 20 min away from your house. Then turning back to get it during daylight saving time.


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