"976-Evil" by Deftones

I had spent time thinking about how I didn't make any plans for my birthday. I think now i see why I make them so much in advance. When it gets closer I lose interest. I see that this year I regret not planning something though i always could for the future.

Friday I got a call from Anthony. I haven't spoken to him in 2 years due to his mother and her being up my ass. I backed off, and took a huge step back. It wasn't until I saw him at the clinic I go to for therapy where he is trying to start talking to me again. I don't have anything against him, I just realize he is not the same person I knew years ago. It also isn't his fault. When he called I wasn't sure who it was and was surprised to hear it was him. Apparently, he thought I was posting on twitter that I saw him in the clinic and it was on his mind. I didn't do that and wouldn't. I did tell Jessica though, that was what I was doing on my phone. I assured him I did not post on twitter. He continued to talk to me about nonsense which I honestly wasn't in the mood to talk about. I was on my way out from getting my hair cut and I just wanted to get home and eat. I also didn't want to hear his mother contributing to the conversation in the background, but she did not. I don't even know if she was there. From the bits of information he told me, he has a roommate. I am not sure if he is still living at home but taking up the apartment or if he is on his own. Thinking of him on his own is a scary thought. It would make me wonder about him taking his meds… We ended our conversation and it left me feeling that it wouldn't be the last I heard from him. I try to avoid seeing him at the clinic, but that is just more luck than pure avoidance. I don't know his schedule nor would be provided with it to avoid him. I just hope that the times I go, he is either not there that day or that time.

Saturday I went to have my "Lion's Share" tattoo finished. I honestly did not expect to be laying there for 2.5 hours but I did get to watch a few episodes of Six Feet Under. I always say that whenever I get something done, whether it is a tattoo, piercing, or have surgery, I would write about it. This way I can go back and use it as a reference and say oh wow yeah when I had the inside of my arm tattooed last time it didn't hurt and this time it was worse than death. Well, I felt that my leg was a little sensitive in some areas. I believe that in the past i have waited about a month before having any other work done to complete a tattoo. I also tried to be more talkative with Brian than last and the previous times. I felt like he was saying like Ruth, the mother in Six Feet Under, where she was thinking in her head how her co worker should shut up when talking at dinner. He did say last time to me that the next time I came maybe he would be up for a conversation since he wasn't this time due to him being in pain from his impacted wisdom tooth. I think that talking to him is actually what slowed down what he was doing, then again he added A LOT of color. More than I expected, and to areas I wasn't really wanting color. I didn't notice all the fine detail he put in until the next day when I was washing it. He did an excellent job, though I feel something about it is off. I said to my mother earlier that I felt that he did all of that to make up for something. She just looked at me blankly.  After Brian finished, I went with Jessica and Mike to Moim for dinner. Mike didn't feel like he may be up for it and felt he was coming down with a cold, but he felt better after he ate. I could have beaten him though for using his chop sticks in the salad I ordered. If looks could have killed he would have burst into flames. I just looked at him when I realized what he was doing and stopped eating it. Jessica later said that that is what happens in a relationship you get sick from each other. Sometimes I wonder if she takes a pill that makes stupid shit pour out of her mouth or if she chooses to say these things. After we ate, and had coffee we left.  The odd thing was, I was not anywhere near being tired after the tattoo and being out. I was up pretty late surprisingly. That was a first for sure.

Today was an interesting day back. I was so blah over things with it being my birthday, but that changed seeing the posts people left on my wall on Facebook. I walked into the office and was greeted by Mobruka with a hug, and Milly trailed in after her. She put me in a headlock and wished me a happy birthday. I told her she shouldn't have gotten me from behind when she did it and she got embarrassed and walked out of the room. I was way to busy today and due to me running around and putting pressure on my right leg, it totally made my knee act up. Towards the end of the day the pain was getting pretty bad and I needed to rest. One thing I wont forget, other than how socially awkward the people in ITSS are, is the comment I made to Milly about the new cleaning woman. I pointed out that the one we had, Rhonda, is no longer on our floor and we now have Susie Wong. Milly said "well when you see Susie, please tell her…. wait her name isn't really Susie is it?" and I said no, she walked away saying "and this is why I can't stand you." But of course she was joking.

After dinner, my mother had the banana carmel creme pie I like from Sweet Melissa waiting for me. I wanted that over a birthday cake.

Happy Birthday to me.

"The Tourist" by Radiohead

Friday: That mental game I play with myself, where I try to prepare myself for things that may or may not come true is a real mind fuck. I was telling Aisha last night about some things that I think, mainly about one thing actually. I told her how I was worrying that Shelain may go work for seek. She worked for them originally and I feared that possibly she would go for her old job back. Aisha didn't think of that, then again not many people would.

I had been disgusted with thinking my mother may have been swayed by the people on the third floor. I want them to leave so badly, but I also don't want my mother to be hurting financially if they leave. After she spoke with her lawyer the best solution she could come up with is; they renew their lease for one more year, but the lease states that when it expires they will have to move. Hopefully they respect this and they go. Their rent will also be raised as well to help pay with the expensive water bill that we have thanks to them.

I emailed Brian, Wednesday night to ask him what he had left to do with my tattoo. He said he had to do some color on the filigree and some other work. I asked if he was going to add more to the lion's face and he said he would. He then asked me if I could take a quick cell phone picture of my leg to send to him. I had a picture I took the beginning of that week when things were bothering me and I sent that to him. He said to me that it looked good and that I should prepare to have my mind blown when he is finished. I hope he is right, cause I definitely feel it needs to be blown.

When I was in session with Felicia and talking about Jessica. We were talking about me telling her how I worry about her and I mentioned how Jessica brought up how there are worse things for a girl to get than being pregnant. She made it seem like it wasn't a big deal. Felicia asked me what Jessica considered a big deal since having a child isn't one. She asked if her getting an std or worse would be. I don't know if I discussed this with Felicia, but I know I thought about it. Jessica tends to just settle, and so do I, but not int he same way. When I was a child if I really wanted something and couldn't have it, I would get something else just to have something. I tend to still do that, but  I try not to. Jessica tends to settle when she can't have a guy. Best example I can give you is with that hipster shit Rob. He isn't looking for a relationship, just casual sex with (random) women. So since Jessica can't have him to date, she'll settle for sleeping with him. I don't know if she realizes that she is doing this or not and if it is pointed out to her I really don't know how well she will respond to it.

Today work was interesting. I walked into my office and had this strange feeling as if someone had been in there. Of course I thought this was just me, but I couldn't be sure. I started to take things out of my bag that I brought for the office and noticed that the privacy filter screen on the desktop was missing… I knew it was there when I left in december. I looked at the floor thinking maybe it fell off since I had knocked it down a few times, but it wasn't there. It was on the desk in the corner with shit piled  up on it which proved someone was there in the office. I thought about Mobruka telling me how I should take pictures of the office before I leave since things move, but I didn't think of doing that when I left in december. When I went to log into the computer I saw Rico's name come up proving that someone was there and it was him! One of the professors using the lab also asked me about the printer, when I went over and saw some papers printed and read them it proved further that he was there. The film professor came into my office and asked if I had time to talk, either now or later and I told him that now worked for me. He told me about how Rico and Shelain were both fired and I pointed out how Rico was using the office and shouldn't have been since he was let go. He agreed and told me the college isn't happy with him over it, but what the college has done in response to it is unclear. We discussed some things that need to be taken care of right away, and what could wait. It looks like this week I will definitely be busy with trying to clear things out of the office which is fine with me. I just wish I had a work study to help me with everything.

While all of this was going on, I was also interacting with this guy Rocky that I had class with. He isn't a bad person, but I get this really negative vibe from him and I don't like it. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. Glenny warned me about him when I told her things that went on with him. Like how he caught me one day leaving class and asked me to help him pick his classes then acted like that never happened when we had class the next time. He saw me in the elevator and we were talking about class. He mentioned then his job and when i said that i did graphic design he said he could have work for me. I thought immediately of the flyer I designed for one of Mike's friends who never paid me. Not to say that this will be like that, I just… pick up on something from Rocky that I don't like. I feel like If I were to ignore it I could only be hurting myself. He introduced me to some site where people offer services for $5 and it could be mostly anything. You can ask people to touch up a picture for you, or give you some health benefit advice, or just do something pointless like dance in a hot dog suit for 2 minutes to any song you want. I thought about that one, I may wish to see that with the "Milkshake" song. I know this week I won't have any time to do anything if he comes to me and says he has work. I'm not sure about the future either. I just felt that he knew what to say to me, he told me exactly what I wanted to hear. Thinking about it I could hear Aisha in my head telling me to run. When I showed him my artwork he said how he knew someone that had a gallery in the Bronx. I hope I am not the only one that thinks this all sounds weird...

"You Do You" by Bear in Heaven

When I spoke to Felicia I said to her that I mentioned the are sometimes sessions when I come and feel I don't have anything to talk about. Today was not one of this days. I asked her about tardive dyskinesia and told her that, since I am a forensic psych major there will be times where I'll ask her psych questions since I can't get these answers from my professors. They are more research based and don't really have a lot of experience with clinical. She didn't know a lot but after telling her some of the twitchy symptoms my father has she said it is possible. Tardive dyskinesia is involuntary movements in someone's face and can affect their appendages and is caused by taking certain medications for a long period of time.

Another thing I spoke about was what was going on with how I felt about my tattoo. I had issues before I went with how happy I was with the design, I mean after seeing it how I felt about the design. The rough draft I loved, the second I didn't and after pointing it out to him and him making changes I was then happy to see how he cleaned things up. The experience I had when I was finally getting the tattoo was not as I imagined as well. Brian was an hour late, he looked exhausted and when I found out why which was due to him having an impacted wisdom tooth I was afraid he wouldn't be able to do things properly since he had taken so many Motrin to deal with the pain. My friends tell me how the design came out great and yes I realize it isn't finished, but I still have this negative view of it. What didn't help the situation is what happened with Aisha. She was telling one of her coworkers that she is going with me when I have my tattoo finished. The guy seemed all interested and she asked if he wanted to see the design. She showed him and with that he said that the tattoo looked like shit. Yeah totally what I wanted to hear. It reinforced how I have been feeling. To make things worse, not that it really had any affect on me, he offered to draw something up for me since he is an "artist" but expects me to pay him $100. How about no! When I spoke about this with Jessica she said to me how this is an issue that I should discuss with whatsherface, meaning my therapist Felicia. I told Felicia all of this in a trail of how the whole thing with my tattoo was bothering me. I didn't realize that I did to her what Aisha did to me. Tell me something that wasn't really a nice thing that someone said about her. Felicia said to me that it wasn't really necessary for Aisha to tell me even though she did not have any malicious intent. It still wasn't necessary for her to tell me.

I also spoke about things going on with Jessica, how she says she wants to move slow with this guy Jeremy but she is off fucking this cop and giving handjobs to that guy that treats her like a cum dumpster. I don't understand how you can say you want to move slow, but then be so loose with others. Felicia didn't have much to say, but feels I need to tell Jessica that I worry about her. I am afraid to see what is going to develop with Jessica now since Jeremy just wants to be friends. Well he said through a series of texts that he feels that she wants more and he wants to pretty much see other people and that he wouldn't mind being friends with her. He didn't think it would be fair to her for him to see others and her. So she pretty much ended that and said that she keeps going back to the whole "why wasn't it me." I told her that the more she dwells on that, the more she is going to become upset and settle for people that she shouldn't be settling for. She didn't have anything to say about the situation, but its true. That guy Rob is a great example. She can't have him as a boyfriend, so instead she'll settle on being just one of the girls he sleeps with. I wish that she would listen to me about things so atlas i could possibly try to help her, but I don't think I can. You cannot help someone that doesn't ask for it.

"I Can See Now" by Dead Can Dance

After telling Felicia during our session about Jessica she pointed out how this must create anxiety and stress for me. I agreed and said that this is why I am here discussing it with her. She made a few good points, though one suggestion she made stands out amongst the rest. She said I should tell Jessica how much I worry about her. She started off by asking me if Jessica knows how much I worry and with my response of no, she said I should tell her. I pointed out how I wish I had a time machine to go back to Monday when we were at the Great Frog together and that it was the perfect time. Felicia said that those opportunities will present themselves to me again.

My winter break is dwindling down and I can't say I have done anything that amazing in regards to persuing grad school. I have other things on my mind and when I think of how I will fit a GRE course into my schedule it just seems impossible. I would have to really adjust the work schedule I have and see when I could go. I don't want to sit in a class I spent a significant amount of money on to just fall asleep. I saw how exhausted I was when I would leave the office last semester. I don't know if it will be the same for this, I think that maybe the bullshit I had to put up with there also contributed to my exhaustion. And my lack of sleep... Though I really don't know if I would be any less tired if I got more sleep. Only one say to find out right?

Jessica knows how I feel about about my birthday and I think she is trying to push me with making plans while trying to not to about to be. It's a little frustrating since I really just am not in the mood. But she keeps saying things like "aren't you happy you didn't plan it for his weekend since it snowed?" and "you can always have it next weekend" which is true but I am having my tattoo finished. Not to say that Mike hasn't been either which now that I think about it does make me feel better. I feel like no one really cares since I haven't heard anything from people expressing interest but I guess I have been so caught up in that that I have been ignoring the people that have been showing interest. I can always plan something in March or so though next week I guess will feel like I am going to celebrating after I get my tattoo. Just going to be seeing some people that expressed interested in watching me get tattooed since they haven't seen it before such as Aisha. I guess we will see what happens next week and with how I feel if I want to do something in march when I know snow isn't a majors issue like it is now.


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"Love Me Two Times" by The Doors

I look forward to therapy tomorrow, I feel I have a lot on my mind I need to vent about. Starting with Jessica, and her stupid friends. I find them stupid because they treat her like crap and she is going to hang onto their friendship because she wants to be part of their family in the worst way. Well that is how I see it anyway. Jessica went to a ore party for the one twin getting married. She was pretty drunk and treating guys approaching her like shit. When Jessica called her out on it she threw all this crap in Jessica's face about how she isn't happy she is getting married. When I told Mike this he said that everyone feels that way. To no one is happy for them when they should just be happy for themselves. The twin pointed out that the night she became engaged that Jessica left early cause she wasn't happy for her. Jessica told her the reason was because of her grandmother being rushed to the hospital and this only made things worse. The twin felt that Jessica should have been there more for the father when he was sick in the hospital and there really wasn't much for Jessica to do since she did visit him quite often. I told Jessica when my parents we're in the hospital recently that her calls asking about them were more than enough. Jessica said she was going to wait and see if she apologizes to her about things and asked me to not text her the rest of Saturday night.

I didn't see her until yesterday when I got a call from Christ as The Great Frog that new pieces came in. I called her and asked if she wants to go and she met me. After buying two rings we went over to some Japanese restaurant were she checked the menu out. This tall young gay guy says talking about marriage and how it's so difficult to see his straight friends get married. Jessica turned to look at me and I said, loudly I thought, "I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels the way." Sadly no conversation was sparked between us, I guess he was really into his rant. We spent a long duration of time at that table, not all by choice... The service was horrid, but it gave Jessica and I plenty of time to talk. Though I wasn't happy to hear that she gave Rob a handjob on Saturday and then slept with the cop on Sunday. I can't say that when I was single I had such an active dating... Active dating... Um... Interactions I guess is the best word. Not to say I would really want one like that where I just become a cum dumpster. Sex only complicates things. I promised to not judge her, I was more disgusted with the cop for not wanting to use protection. He already has a kid did he forget how they are made? Web we escaped that Japanese restaurant we went for coffee where she told me about the shower and all the gifts the twin got. She said it was hard to get her all dressed up and keep things a surprise but they managed to do so by telling her it was an anniversary party for one of the mother's friends. Jessica told me that she tried to call her but she ignored the call on Sunday since she is a terrible liar and wouldn't be able to not let it slip out about the shower. She said the twin apologized and said how they put Jessica on a pedestal and expect a lot from her since she has always been the for their family. It's funny because Jessica puts them on a pedestal. Is it possible for 2 people to expect so much of each one and think of each other as role models? It seems like such a disaster. As we got ready to leave Starbucks she asked me about my birthday which actually before that we some of Alicia's wedding.

And what led to that was the ring I bought of a dead native chief. We were thinking about her wedding and how I would have to buy a ticket and who ever I went with would have to as well, then buy clothes, hotel, and a gift. Jessica said that she thinks that if you travel you don't have to give one cause being there is an expense. Don't know how true that is but me on a plane scares me since I have yet to be on one. I also spoke about Vanessa and Raymond and how I hate when people say we should get together and it's all up to me to make plans. I don't like being the one always making plans. I told her I didn't know what I was doing for my birthday since in falls on a Monday. I can't do it the 28th because I'm getting my Lion's Share tattoo finished. She said to do it the weekend before which is this weekend and I pointed out I have a concert so no. She said I can have it after and I said he's but I don't know what I want and I really am not feeling up to planning anything I don't have any interest. Thinking about this depresses me and when I got off the phone with Mike he was kinda surprised and said "you don't want to just have dinner with friends." and I don't even remember if I said no, or I have no interested, or I haven't spent time thinking about it. I am having a severe lack of interest.


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"Safe Place" by Staind

This past weekend I went to Brian to get my "Lion's Share" tattoo. I was afraid of running late, and Mike wasn't close to being by my house so I ended up leaving the shop myself. When I got there, I found out that Brian wasn't in. Turns out Brian was running late, really really late... He didn't get to the studio until 1pm and our appointment was at noon. On top of that, he had an appointment after me and someone after that appointment. When he got in I asked him to please tell the person after me he was running late. I was doing that hoping that he would be able to finish this tattoo for me. We would have started sooner, but I wanted the banner fixed and some other small things that needed to be evened and fixed. Brian looked exhausted and it worried me. I was telling Jessica since we were talking on the phone while I was waiting for him to get there, and I was texting her while I could since reception there is horrible. She told me if Brian looked out of it that I should be concerned. I found out why he looked the way he did as he got ready to start working on me. He had an impacted wisdom tooth and was in pain. I could tell from what he was telling me it is something that keeps him up at night. As he was working on me we were talking about it, and I told him how I had two removed. The first one wasn't fun and he didn't really want to hear that, but it is something you can get over. He was having surgery on Tuesday, so by now he should be better or somewhat better. I am sure it will help especially since the shop is having their Friday the 13th tattoo event. Sadly Brian was not able to finish the design but majority of it is complete. For some reason, don't ask why, I have this idea or view in my head that the tattoo looks like crap. I don't know why, I wish I had a reason. Well I kinda do. The design that Brian did initially had the lion's face a little different and I liked it. The second design I did not like at all so i told him that and he fixed it for the last design and cleaned things up. I just keep feeling like something is off, maybe because it isn't finished I feel that way. Those that i do show the tattoo tell me that it looks really good, but I continue to have this negative view in my head. Maybe I'll feel differently after it's completed. I would hope so...

After my tattoo session I went with Mike out to dinner and to exchange gifts after. He was excited to give me what he got me since he said that this year it was really difficult to shop for me. It wasn't intentional, but that is how it was this year. I told him when he was shopping for me to get me practical things that he knows I would use. His idea of this was to get me things to use in the office, but I quickly put an end to that. I really didn't want things for my office because it's not like this is going to be my office for another 8 years. What will I do with the items after that? I was anxious to see what he got me. I wasn't expecting him to get me anything elaborate since he really isn't working. The part time job he has isn't giving him tons of money but it helps him pay his bills. I am working so I went nuts, cause I would. This is probably the most I have ever spent on him, his past birthday came close though with all the stuff I got him from Art of Shaving. For Christmas I bought him a Kindle touch 3g, leather lighted case, two year insurance, and an actual hard cover book of some of H.P. Lovecraft's writings about Cthulhu. When we finally exchanged, I knew of one item he bought me since we were discussing it as he got it for me from the store, which was a hoody. He bought me 2 long sleeve shirts which I initially didn't like but after wearing one I like them, a really difficult puzzle, a card game for us to play when we are out, and a remote control rat that he thought I would play with with my cats. Well out of all the things he got me only the shirt, and the hoody that was on it's way were the only practical things. I am sure I will play with the puzzle at times as for the rat, I really don't know. Oh and yeah I was a dick, and made a comment about the amount of money we spent on each other. Apparently he was under the idea that I bought him some discounted Kindle touch, but when he realized I didn't he was upset. I told him it wasn't about money, but really couldn't you have gotten me things I could use and not play with once and then put somewhere to never look at again? It just upset me that he did that. This of course I know makes me seem like a dick and I would have preferred one thing that I would use over and over than 10 things that I will look at once. The things I did after that I feel were all to make him feel like he didn't waste his money and I was appreciative. I took a picture of one of the two shirts he got me, made a small video of the cats running from the remote controlled rat, and a picture of the puzzle he gave me after "solving" it. I am sure he was happy to see that I was using what he gave me as I was happy to hear about all the things he was doing with the Kindle. But sadly it doesn't change how I feel about what I got completely...

The end of last week and beginning of this week I had to deal with running around to get health insurance. While I was getting my tattoo I kept thinking about how I didn't have any health insurance and what would I do incase something happens. The insurance I had, Health Plus, dropped me due to me making to much money. What started all of that is the insurance company failing to receive my renewal. When I went down to the office to submit things in person the woman that was helping me failed to take the proper pay stubs from me and was being a bitch when I offered her more. So the insurance said I made to much money. When I went down to the office by me, I was told the same thing yet again. This is because I am only allowed to receive a certain amount of money per month. They don't go by year. If they were to they would see that I do not work an entire year. I just work 8 months out of the year. So I needed to find a new insurance, which my mother was helping me with. I was getting disgusted with the whole thing, I would have to pay now unlike before. My mother offered to pay half which was great but at what cost. She was telling me that because of this she might have to keep the dipshit tenants on the third floor. Not something I wanted to hear since I want them gone in the worst way. I was so miserable over the whole thing. For some reason I wanted to discuss this whole thing with Mobruka, who told me that I should get insurance through the school since I work there. "It wouldn't hurt to ask" she told me, and she was right it didn't hurt because when I spoke to this woman in human resources I found out that since I work over twenty hours a week that I am eligible. So I set everything up and was able to keep all my appointments with doctors and I was set. Funny thing is I dropped the paper work off this Monday at 1:30pm and by the time i got home which was 3pm I was all set up and had an i.d. and everything.

The good thing about having the insurance kick in so quickly is I can resume sessions with Felicia. When I saw her and told her everything that was on my mind, I felt that I had gotten all of the pressing matters off my mind and now I could take some time to work on my flaws. I told her this, and how I now want to work on things. And the first thing I am working on is this problem I have where I create stories. Not stories in the sense of I'm a compulsive liar, it's not even remotely close to that. When I am presented with a situation, I tend to just try to predict what will happen next and how I can resolve the problem. My reasoning for this, as I told Felicia, may be due to the fact that I do this with friends and I am able to help them with what to anticipate when they are dealing with something. It is something I have done for a while, and my mother does the same thing. Though I don't know if she lets it stress her or not, it is something that I possibly just picked up from her. What sucks is that since I have been doing this for years it's going to take me a while to get over it. When I left and walked home, I found myself questioning things I was thinking so that I wouldn't make myself try to predict what will happen next. As I explained to Felicia there were situations that I felt that I had to do that. For example when shit would go on with Shelain. I had to keep my guard up with her, as soon as I let it drop she would act like a huge cunt and make me feel like shit. With her, what would often happen is she would be a bitch, my guard would go up and then next time I would see her she was quiet and not say anything. As soon as I calmed down, she would be a bitch. I know that Shelain isn't returning but while I was telling Felicia this I was thinking about things and saying that maybe Shelain would go to the SEEK dept and try to work there and how she would return. Felicia said that I really need to talk myself out of doing that. It's going to take some time...

I know that the next time I go see her I am going to spend some time talking about Jessica. If I were seeing Randi I already could hear her in my head saying that I should just let Jessica be. How she isn't a good friend, and how I shouldn't be concerned with what she is doing and focus on myself. All good, but it's difficult when you are close with someone and they are just waiting to get hit by that bus. You want to warn them to move, or push them, but they insist on standing there waiting. What she is doing with herself, Jessica that is, is dating a few people and instead of leaving at that she threw someone else into the mix. That fucking guy Rob, and by saying that alone I think I did a good job of describing him. All he wants to do is fuck. She said that it takes her mind off of things, not the fucking just him in general. She said she gets crazy when she talks to guys and it's due to her ex. She wants to constantly hear from them, and with the Bird he would always be texting her non stop. So she expects them to do that with her. This one guy she is dating that seems really nice, she is just going slow with. That is perfectly fine, but Rob shouldn't be part of it. I had to point out how it was bothering her that he was sleeping with others when he was with her and she said that when that comes up again she will deal with it then. I tried to advise her minutely, since I know whatever efforts/attempts I make doesn't result in her doing anything positive anyway. Her answer to this was "I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions." Ugh I am so mad at myself for not responding with "and you're proving to do such a great job of that." I know that isn't something she would want to hear but I feel it's what she needs to hear. Her decisions suck and I think that when she finally realizes that, the bus would have already hit her and 16 more are heading straight for her before she can even pick her head up.


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"New Years" by Kissaway Trail

I normally don't go out for New Year's Eve. I associate the holiday with people drinking, and that you shouldn't drive at night because of car accidents due to people drinking. Last year Mike went to his friend Jesha's house and told me that next year I should go. I just don't like the whole sleeping over thing, but I realize it's that or chance being killed on the highway. This year Mike's friend Kristina, the actress that was in Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween, was having a party and invited him. So that persuaded me. I rarely see her since she is in school and traveling around doing signings and fan events for Halloween. I asked Jessica if she wanted to come and if she had plans, she said she didn't and I was happy she was coming. I really didn't know what to expect, and I didn't feel like being up Mike's ass the whole night so this gave me a chance to just do my own thing. He rsvped for us, and I picked out what I was wearing. He wasn't wearing anything overly fancy, a black button up, and my mother just gave me one for Christmas so I decided on that. That night, I saw Jessica wore a dress and some obnoxious heels that were murder to walk in. We took the train and got there earlier than expected. She didn't greet us at the door but one of her guests did, also the same person that was taking pictures that night of everyone that Jessica nearly beat to death over that and who I think she is dating. Anyway walking into her house after dropping off the drinks we brought, I immediately felt under dressed. Severely... under... dressed... Looking around at men in suits and women in fancy dresses I felt like the 1000 lbs gorilla in the room. As I continued to scan the room I did see some people just wearing whatever so it really was a mix of fancy and casual. Mike's friends Ted and Johnny were there, and this woman named Kat. Jessica picked up on it right away that she was clinging to Ted. I told Jessica about these two friends of Mike's so she knows Ted is in an open marriage. I also told Jessica as a warning because I don't want her to see them find them attractive and then get herself into something that she didn't want to be in. As the night unfolded, and we had some drinks, it was clear Jessica and I were not going to be getting tipsy or drink since we ate there and were pacing ourselves with the Coke and marshmellow vodka. Mike on the other hand was getting inebriated and I hate when he is like that. Also after seeing how he was that night I really don't want to be around him when he drinks because he is super bitchy, and just not pleasant to be around. I felt he reached his limit and he kept pointing out its a holiday and he kept drinking. He wasn't sloppy, just really fucking annoying. Jessica spend time hiding from Kat as well... She was really nice when we first met her, but as the night went on and she kept drinking she got sloppier, and her hair got bigger and more disheveled. From what we pieced together from the bits of information she gave and Ted gave; she answered an add on Craigs list and met him and they were going to fuck. The whole thing was gross, if I could have warned her to run I would have but by the time it was all clear it was to late. She was trashed from just drinking and anything we told her would have been pointless. Thanks to the garden being open we were outside most of the time. Jessica was smoking and we just talked about whatever as we were watching people come out and doing their own thing. At one point this androgynous asian woman joined us at the big table in the back and asked if we were doing any drugs. She pointed out she did a line prior, then finished her food quietly and vanished. A few points in the night, the way I felt pressured to dance ugh... I felt i was going to be pressured into doing some illegal substance, but thankfully that didn't happen. Not to say this party was in a crack den, it was far from it, but the people there just chose to do things.

As I pointed out this was the first time that Mike and I spent this holiday together, and first time I spent it with Jessica. Over all I had a great time despite Mike refusing to leave when Jessica and I wanted to. It turned into a big thing. Jessica wanted to go and so did I. She wasn't dragging me out of the party early either it was close to 2am and she wanted to leave. Mike said she should just go if she wanted to but I pointed out I wanted to go as well. We didn't leave until after we saw Kristina's short film that she did for grad school. It was pretty good, shot very well. I liked it. She wasn't so overly worried it wasn't that great though. Apparently her professors tore her a new one and were extremely critical, but apparently that is due to her actually being in films, and tv shows that that would lead them to make her feel worthless. When we left, we were talking about Ted and that woman Kat and how they were petting each other on Kristina's bed as we watched her film. Mike said he told them how it was a bad idea but they do what they want. Ted's wife apparently left the party early with some guy so they just do their own thing.

After we went our separate ways, Jessica and I were talking about the party and about Mike's friends and how they seem to just ignore him. She said that she had a difficult time trying to have a conversation with them, that they seemed to just not care. I told her that I noticed that before with them and that is why I don't really talk to them. I don't like being ignored when I talk to people so if they are going to do that I am not going to bother.

Our train ride home was pretty quick, Jessica took the train with me since she was staying at her parents. Still not use to calling her home her parent's house since it's where I have associated her living for years now. We had a fun time on the train though. This older man and his woman were getting home from a party and he wanted to play with a noise maker. It was torture because he would crank the thing slowly and then go fast and then stop. These two girls on the train sitting across from us were filming him at one point due to how obnoxious he was with it.

The next day when I spoke to Mike about things, he wasn't happy to hear how Jessica and I noticed how Ted and Johnny ignore him. Not that anyone really wants to hear that their friends don't pay them any mind, but I felt he should know it should be pointed out. He said it was because he was telling Ted to not sleep with Kat, but I told him it's something I've noticed before. As Mike pointed out before, Ted is a rude person. I hope he didn't forget the crap he pulled on his birthday with inviting his friends and spending time with them instead of Mike...


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"Ataraxia" by Team Sleep

Though this is my first entry of the new year I feel that i need to speak about last year, the end of it anyway.

A few note worthy things went on that I feel I need to mention. First I'll start off with the place I go to therapy for. I had this thought in the back of my head that maybe, Anthony goes there. I can't identify what made me think this. Whether it was the location of the clinic or possibly, it was mentioned by his mother. Honestly I don't remember which of those two things it was, but it didn't take away the surprise/shock of walking into the clinic and seeing him standing on line leaving. He was surprised to see me and called me over where we briefly spoke. Every distracting element you can think of came into play here preventing us from really having a discussion. I had to drop my booklet off so that I could get put into the system and get a room, then some random guy wanted to talk about my coat, then immediately after I was called so that I could see Felicia. He walked me to her office and told me to write him. I told Felicia all of this and hope to possibly have my appointments not correspond with him for future surprises. Unfortunately I got my wish, but more than I wanted. As I told her, I haven't spoken to him for about two years and I don't consider our brief comments on facebook as talking. I stopped because his mother got way to involved in my life and it's more than I wish to deal with. I enjoy playing therapist with my friends, it deals with what I want to do in life, but I cannot be depended on like she depended on me. She has a son for that.

Thee other thing is about me planning another tattoo. Well, it's in the process of being designed. I went to Brian, who designed the sugar skull on the inside of my arm, and asked him to design a tattoo based off of a song called "Lion's Share" by the Wild Beasts. Well it really just involves a lion and a quote from the song that I really like. The quote is, if I can remember it correctly is "Cause it's a terrible scare, but that's why the dark is there so you don't have to see what you can't bear." The quote ends with "lion's share" but I feel maybe it would be best without it since I am having a picture of a lion, but I am thinking maybe to incorporate it in a different way. I have seen what he has drawn up so far and I really like the design a lot. The only problem is, I am doubting my original decision to put it on the inside of my right calf. I have the skull Mia designed for me on the outside of my calf and feel that no one would really see his beautiful design on the inside of my leg unless my leg is sticking out. The reason why I wasn't getting anything on my other leg is because I have had this idea in my head that I would get this whole outback scene with the Maxx and the Leopard Queen on my leg and make it significant. I could do that on my right, but it would be on the inside of my leg and the same problem arises where I don't know who will see it. I feel horrible at times that Brian put this sugar skull on the inside of my arm. The design and work he did is amazing, it should be shown off not hidden in my arm. This is making me think that maybe I should get it on my left calf then.


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