"My Name is Mud" by Primus

Wednesday: I have felt uneasy ever since that last conversation with Isadora. I have been trying to think of what the right thing to do is in a situation like this, but since I was never in one like this I don’t know what to do. I’ve been channeling my past therapist Randi mentally and not really knowing what she would say in this situation. I feel she would have left it up to me to do what I felt strongly about. The thing is, I didn’t really feel strongly about contacting her.

So I’ve just been doing other things to just take my mind off of the situation. But this situation really feels like something that is just going to keep haunting me. Maybe its due to the fact that I didn’t end the relationship on a horrible note with screaming yelling and an obviously clear presentation of us moving on. I really did not expect her to pursue fixing things, but that’s my fault for making it seem that it was what I wanted. I just feel that whatever she does it’s just temporary. Things will get fixed and then we will then be back to this point some time in the future. More than likely when her birthday rolls around since I really don’t intend on going for reasons of me being expected to go to hers and her not going to mine.

I went to see the Scissor Sisters yesterday in concert and they were amazing! I have wanted to go for a while now but they sell out really fast, especially in NY. I told Mike my trick on how to get tickets to shows that sell out really quickly. I put videos on youtube and have to put some others up on there as well. The method of trying to send them while I leave doesn’t always work since some tend to get errors and cancel which is great. So it only leaves me to do it at another time. Uploading slows my connection down grossly so its not like I can just do it when I’m on the computer doing other important things for school or playing WoW.

I saw last night after the show that Isadora wrote me, she says she wanted to talk. I felt relieved because I felt that it was all on me due to what happened. Only thing is picking a time to talk. I really don’t want her calling me late at night especially if it is going to aggravate me and I have to go to bed. I’ll end up not sleeping, being furious, calling Aisha to calm me down and not getting any sleep. This doesn’t really sound like something I want to deal with. I just will do what Aisha said to do and listen to what Isadora has to say. I wanted to tell her in my reply that if something is delicate, since she said she wanted to talk about it over the phone than email, she doesn’t have to talk to me about it. I honestly don’t need to know and never did. Aisha said maybe she wants someone to talk to about it now. I just feel that I am only really needed by her when she has something to talk about. I guess she might say it’s the same with me as well. But I don’t make myself unavailable to talk when something is up…

On a positive note I got a call from Mayra, looks like I am quite possibly going to be working this semester too. Which is great! I need the money badly. I’ll find more information out about the semester soon enough, I start class tomorrow.