"Where Is My Mind" by Pixies

Sunday: Looks like I haven’t updated since I had the hair drama, figures.

I feel like so much has gone on yet nothing at the same time. This summer was really interesting I have to say. It went by so quickly, and I feel like all the things I wanted to accomplish I didn’t. I still have yet to have my knee worked on, which isn’t good. I haven’t had any pains in it, but lately I have been having some pain. I don’t think I am on it more than before which would cause it. I would say I am on it an equal amount or a little less. I just don’t want to deal with how it was, where just walking up 3 steps seemed impossible for me to do. I’m more than likely going to have to have it done over the winter, or see how long I’ll be out of commission and do it during the semester.

Months ago Jessica told me that I should just talk to Isadora and get things over with her. I know I was thinking about what happened with her a little to much, as I always do. It was time for me to figure out what happened to lead to her to stop talking to me. I wrote her finally on fb and asked if she wanted to get together and she did. She said she wanted to catch up but when I wrote her back to find out about what it took her a week to get back to me with the excuse of her not being able to read it at work due to being busy. It wasn’t until I texted her and asked her what was up that I got a response. We had to make plans for Tuesday, which I hated since I had to miss a raid over meeting her. I’d rather raid… well when it comes to meeting her anyway since how I felt with the way our friendship has been going. I wanted to go to Tarina on Tuesday since I really don’t go to the city much unless I am in school. So to kill two birds I went to Tarina then to meet her. The train schedule was messed up and I ended up getting to meeting Isadora later than I wanted. She called me while I was in Tarina and when I told her where I was in the city she got all stupid with me saying how I said I would be in midtown and how I was somewhere else. I don’t know, I hate people that don’t listen to me. She told me to go to this place, this restaurant and I had to find directions on my phone real quick and then rushed my ass there since she already was there.

When I found the place she was in the back moving around the remains of her salad with her fork with a half empty class in front of her. She didn’t get up to greet me, but said hello from where she was sitting and obviously was tipsy. I wondered how many drinks she had since it use to take her numerous drinks to get her even buzzed. We sat down and made with the small talk, with random bouts of awkward silence where I just sat there and ate. I had a few drinks due to happy hour and then a beer to keep my buzz going. I felt that this probably would make things easier for me to talk to her about how she has been a shitty friend. It wasn’t until after we ate and discussed things going on in our lives and after I emptied my bladder that I was able to discuss things with her. I asked her why I haven’t heard from her and I could see she expected it, but didn’t. She said a few times that night that “so much has gone on” and “how she had been through a lot” since we last spoke. She wouldn’t say what, but some of the answers she gave me were just so blah. She couldn’t remember exact details, or just really, anything. Jessica warned me this in a joking manner prior to me meeting Isadora though. After the restaurant closed, we took the conversation outside and spoke while tourists snapped pictures with the police. She mentioned how in the past year she has forgotten things and it makes her feel as if she has Alzheimers. I pointed out that when I think of her that’s what I think of, someone with alzheimers, I think of my grandmother with dementia not remembering who I am. I might have a great memory for conversations and small things, but I also think that she remembers what’s important to her. if she feels its not worth remembering she just doesn’t bother. She said that I was at an advantage remembering things where she didn’t. Prior to meeting her, about last week, I made the decision to delete her on facebook. I decided to do this because I feel the trust is missing. Especially if something was so horrible for her to deal with she couldn’t come to me to discuss. But, I cannot make someone do something they don’t want to do nor do I wish to. I ended things with her on a positive note, the same way I ended it with Lissy. She could contact me when she felt she could commit to friendship and not be distant and pull her shit.

I left feeling great, not worrying about things anymore, that I could move on. I was happy with everything and yes I still deleted her… It wasn’t until 3am on Friday that she called me, apologizing for calling me so late but wanting to know why I deleted her. She pointed out how I left things on such a positive note, which I agreed on. To sum up our conversation I told her how yes I did delete her and that it was due to lack of trust, that she lost it with the way she acted. She said that I was being vindictive, and I said that I was so angry the past few months at her for what she did that if it hurt her any way close to how she hurt me that that was the point. She said I was playing games, and I pointed out how she played games with me avoiding me, blocking me on aim and making it so I couldn’t talk to her. She said that we met and that that should count. It seemed to be the running theme, that because she met with me that that should be what matters more than what she did previously. All and all that’s great but it doesn’t make up for things. Apparently she wanted an award for getting back to me, but as I pointed it out it was only until after I texted her that she contacted me. Again this was something that she pointed out that how she got back to me and to look at that more than her not doing anything. I kept saying how she could have come to me if something happened. She could have just said she was dealing with something and she would get back to me when she could. And then I did it. My unique ability to figure things out. To hit the hammer on the head as to why someone is acting a certain way. It wasn’t intentional for me to figure it out, or to say what I said, I was just expressing that I would be understanding no matter what. I said to her that she could have told me she was pregnant, with that she said “I was”, and I continued with and you could have even said you had an abortion and she replied with “I did”. Silence filled the phone only to be broken with muffled sniffles and then her crying. She had to go. Obviously this is what was taking up her time.

It wasn’t until I discussed it with my mother that she said that she probably wasn’t upset with that I was understanding and she didn’t give me a chance, but more embarrassed. I know I won’t know what its like to experience what she went through, but that doesn’t mean I still can’t be sympathetic and supportive.