"Memorial" by Explosions In The Sky

I have been planning on writing on here, but just haven't been setting time aside to do so. I am sitting here thinking about things. This entry really isn't about anything going on in my life other than the fact that I miss Michelle...

When I was talking to Mike earlier about some things he is dealing with, he mentioned that his mother passed away four years ago. I couldn't believe it has been four years. This also means that Michelle has been gone for four years since she was killed a month after Mike's mother. It seems like such a long time. I honestly cannot put into words how I feel thinking about this let alone how I feel horrible for not keeping the promise I made to her when I first visited her grave. I promised I would visit her once a year and I had stuck to that promise. Then two years ago I wasn't able to visit her in the summer and went in the fall close to halloween since I had a day off from work. That bothered me that I had put things off until then and this makes me feel worse, not going for a year. I felt that I had to make that promise to her since making plans with her when she was alive didn't work. I put things off and had excuses that it was to late to see her since she got out work when I was finished with class, and then make excuses about the weather. I regret that I did that and it's something I have to live with...

It is really strange thinking about someone that passed away, especially if it is sudden. I remember her, things she said, things we did, but when it comes to remembering her face the only thing that comes up immediately is the picture that is her main one on facebook. It was the picture used by all the news agencies as well. When I look at pictures of her on her memorial page, it almost feels like I am looking at someone I don't know. Someone I hardly remember. When I talk about her passing, it isn't easy. I have to invest so much energy in making sure I don't burst into tears that I wonder if it is even worth me mentioning. The only place, other than in private, that I really allow myself to lose it is when I am in session. I remember just crying when I told Felicia about it, and when I discussed it with Joanne I did become emotional.

There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think about her and how I miss her. Sometimes I feel that her death is the reason why Chrissy didn't go back to school to finish her degree. Her major reminds her of Michelle, and how they would spend hours together working in the lab with others and see each other every day. I sometimes wonder if I am dwelling, though I feel I talk about it, as helpful as that may be, I wonder if I will ever be able to move on.