"Medication" by Garbage

To help with my anxieties, Joanne suggested I see the nurse practitioner at the clinic. She could help with prescribing me something to calm me down. I met with her and her recommendation is that I should take this drug called Propranolol. She assured me that it isn’t addictive, and that it won’t conflict with any other medication or cause side affects if I drank. It sounded pretty awesome, but there is one side affect I found out that isn’t awesome. Of course this side affect doesn’t affect everyone, just diabetics. Lucky…Me… This drug is a beta blocker, in low doses it calms people. Slows their heart rate down, and lets them relax. When someone is diabetic and has a hypoglycemic episode, a low, their heart races. So now by taking this drug, I will have a hard time knowing when exactly I am having a low. I have been hyper vigilant with checking my blood sugar and trying to see if I am in fact having a low. Strangely enough I have been finding that I am having more highs than usual, which isn’t good. I know that I would have to have high blood sugars for a while for it to affect my A1C reading since that is an average of the three months, so something must be up. When I saw my endo my A1C was up to 7. something. Not really going in a direction I want, I would prefer it to go down a little than up. Especially since I want to go get another tattoo. It isn’t going to help me if my blood sugar is high and I get work done. It will only make the tattoo heal slower and more prone to infection since the bacteria will be feasting on the sugar in my blood.

So I have been taking this drug for what will be two weeks this coming Friday. I needed to get a physical for the nurse and was able to go get that done today. When I met with her I told her that I needed it. Maybe it’s me, and I should have given her more information from the start. She continued to hit me up with a myriad of questions that seemed to only confuse her more, and myself. When I explained it was for another doctor, again she was still confused. Finally I said that it was for a mental health clinic and a doctor I was seeing. From her reaction, apparently the fact that I see a psychologist on my own volition is bizarre. I have to apparently be forced to go by someone and kick and scream every time I be there. Or I need to be drooling on myself and not able to function due to some schizoid bipolar issue. Anxiety doesn’t cut it nor does “I just want someone to talk to.” It wasn’t comforting… I felt that I wasn’t viewed as being in need of seeing someone. I should just deal with my issues like she probably does, talks to her significant other and friends and leave it at that. When we moved past this and she examined me, when I presented her with my blood work she went through it quickly. Suggested I take a multi vitamin, my cholesterol was low, and that I should have my diabetes under better control. She stated that I am too young to not have it under control. I didn’t want to take this to much to heart since I already have an endocrinologist that just focuses on that for me and will let me know if things are out of control. I know that if my primary doctor was there, his head would have been spinning and made me feel that I am not taking care of myself and am on a spiraling path leading to eminent death. I’m not. (On a side note which I am not sure if I ever mentioned, my primary care physician has it out for me. All because when I was in my teens, one day I didn’t have my blood sugar under control and had candy before I saw him. He tested my blood, saw this, and threw a shit fit calling my endo at that time and raising a stink. I didn’t hear the end of this for a few years, until I stopped seeing that endo that asked me why doctors were calling him. If he pulled that now I think I probably would not hold my tongue and say I understand your concern but I didn’t sit and inhale 398 snickers bars and washed it down with 483454 bottles of soda and tell him to stop treating me like I threw his mother in front of a bus.) So I am happy that he wasn’t there, then again I may have to go back to have the paper work for the physical filled out Monday and see him. If he says anything I can talk to him about it, and tell him that I really don’t appreciate feeling this way when I come here, I come here because he is good doctor I don’t want to come here and feel like I am a drug addict and not taking care of myself. Then again if I were maybe the other doctor wouldn’t think I was weird for seeing a psychologist when I am not mentally ill and just have some anxiety issues. But before I forget she suggested I get off the Propranalol as soon as possible and seek another medication since it masking the hypoglycemic episodes is not good.

I don’t know if this medication is even calming me. I honestly feel overwhelmed, then again I am dealing with my graduate applications going out and time is ticking away. I don’t know when I will get them in. One I need Mike to drive me to the campus and show me where to submit them. I don’t know it since I don’t go there and he does. I wanted to go before classes started but again that doesn’t seem to be happening since I have yet to finish my damn personal statement. I really hate them, especially ones asking detailed information. Why can’t I just write “pick me!!!” but then wouldn’t everyone write that? On Friday when I see this nurse I need to tell her what is going on and hope that I can figure out what to do then. As Joanne pointed out, one of my major problems might be that I don’t know what exactly is causing the anxiety in my life so how can I address it when itls not clear.