"Control" by Garbage

To my surprise, I apparently can work for free. Okay well there is a reason for this. I have enough sick and annual leave combined to equal about a month and a week. If I don't use it I will lose it. It would be great to just be home and stuff for this stupid GRE and not have to stress about going not work trying to study there and then being upset that I didn't. When I was telling Mobruka I regretted it. She said she was upset because if she had the same deal with this time she can't use it since the semester for her is over. She told me that since there are days I came in late I should put that time there to use it. I really don't want to do that since I said already I was there on time. Now I'm going to go and say "oh yeah I lied now I am going to use this to make up for it." No thank you. When I tried to explain it to Seth, the head of the dept, he pretty much didn't hear me or acted like he didn't. He was saying since the lab is quiet now that I can work for their secretary, or two profs depending on if they need me. If not I can sit in the office in the dept and help people if they come in. This time I have is vacation time, as Joanne put it why would I work on my vacation? She suggested that I talk to him again the next time I see him and explain the situation. My biggest fear of being home and trying to study is that I won't get any studying done.

At least during my train rides home I can learn some vocabulary thanks to the apps I have on my phone and iPod. I tend to remember the meaning but not the word which doesn't help me much then again who knows. I feel like whenever I need I need to study for this test something comes up. Always something at home to prevent me. I don't want to jump to conclusions and for all I know my mother will respect that I am trying to study and only ask me for something if she really needs it. I just wonder how much my father is going to do to help her so I am not needed.

Jessica has been helping me with grocery shopping and my mother really does appreciate it. She wasn't in the mood yesterday which is understandable she had a horrible week. I wasn't pressuring her though today she really just pissed me off. I'm trying to not let it get to me. I feel that the things Joanne tells me I really try to think of it when I am not in her presence. Don't let things bother you... Easier said than done. Everything is easier said than done for example when you are anxious or nervous, just relax. If it were that easy there wouldn't be medication to help with that. We are going out tonight, which seems to be the norm since Mike is still unable to drive his car due to its inspection. She asked me about grocery shopping after dinner which to me translated to an early dinner or rushed and then shop and that's the end of the night. I have one day out of the week I don't have to stress about work or anything why can't I enjoy it? I understand she volunteers at the zoom, which I find to be something that eats up time she can have for herself instead of just giving herself one day to rest. So I know she is tired and will want to crash after a long day but it's like you an cut this out of your life it is not helping you in any way with your professional career. So I told her I wanted to enjoy myself and go out which led her to pretty much mention there is a grocery store in the area and I just point out we can do that when we call it a night. She kept going on mentioning grocery stories and finally asked if my mother had along list. I told her that I didn't fucking know and she then shut up. I went to tell my mother and I regret that I did. She was in the shower and telling her about Jessica irritating me led her to cry. She apologized for getting sick, as if it is her fault when it is not. I started to yell saying I wasn't blaming her I was telling her about Jessica being an asshole and she stopped and said that she understood. I am sure there are times when I unintentionally come off annoyed and make her upset, I know my father does a great job of it which leads my mother to say how she is sorry she got sick. She has gone off on my father about it.

She would bing up how we rushed him to the hospital a few times and how we took care of him. It's like he forgets all of this or says we didn't. I don't know if he really did forget due to the delirium he was in at the time. But he just seems so ungrateful and ends up dumping things on me. Recently my mother and I were talking and said in unison "why do things always have to be on me?" so I guess she feels the same way I do when it comes to my father who feels like he does everything. As Joanne put it, since my father does things and when he does them wrong we reprimand him he then doesn't want to do anything. So it could be the reason why he then chooses to do nothing and sleep...


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