"Deeper Well" by Nada Surf

Thinking about some things, I have come to a few conclusions. Or maybe it is really just one. I realize now why it is easier to think the worst case scenario over any others. If someone were to think about the positive in a situation and then the outcome is the opposite you are just disappointed. If you think the worst and the outcome is better or not as bad, you feel better about it. Silly even, to think that you thought something so horrible could have happened. Thinking about this conference in California, I am thinking the worst. On top of that I am doing the same about my application to grad school which reminds me I should check on that tomorrow and if my grades were received. Tomorrow at the research meeting I am just going to tell them that I am not going to go. This is not going to be the last trip to California in existence, nor will it be the last presentation we will be presenting at. It will just make things easier for me to say no, so I am not stressing over packing and getting medical letters, then to stress for the ride home and God knows whatever else. It will just be done and over. It will spare me from over thinking. I still have yet to really feel completely relaxed and stress free. Everything I seem to do is just temporary, just temporary fixes for something that isn’t going away. Due to me feeling this way I am super irritable and little things set me off. What is funny is that before I was letting a lot of things just blow over, now I feel like I am just snippy with everything. I am really trying not to be, but there are times where I just don’t care and if you cant deal with it its just to bad.

To add to all of this I am also not really having the best time when it comes to sleep. It probably is mostly my fault too. I am noticing that there are nights where I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back to sleep. Then there are nights I am at the computer and close my eyes for a second to wake up a few min after and horribly exhausted to the point where sleeping on the floor right there doesn’t sound like a bad idea. I tend to fall asleep on the train and last week did so and missed my stop at work adding 20 min or so to my commute. This is probably something I should probably talk to Joanne about which is going to have to wait until next week since she is on vacation starting Wednesday.