I expected, that after completing the GRE, I would be stress free. That is not the case...
I wonder if I am possibly more stressed than I was before. I feel as if I have not had a breath of fresh air, or time to relax since I started studying for this test. I took it on the fifth of October and my experience with the test was less than desired. Based off of my previous experience with this test, I learned that having the special accommodations is really important if you have a health or learning disability. The time I made sure I filed everything so that I could have my blood machine, and if I needed venture to the bathroom more than once, I could. It just is such a huge turn off that they treat you as if you are in a prison. Maia defined it this way, and told me how she needed a cough drop and the "warden" had to okay it. They wouldn't let her enter with it in her pocket or in her hand, it had to be in her mouth when she entered. For me, every time I had to use the bathroom I needed to bring my id. When I would enter the test room again I was required to have my pickets emptied, which they were, and then had a mental detecting wand waved over me. The test wasn't fun and I blame the stress of the writing portion on my performance which was not up to the level I was expecting. After completing all those quizzes and tests I should have done equally as well. But no... Honestly I wasn't so happy with my score, I did barely ok. The interesting thing is that Maia scored very close to me.
From this point on I just have to wait for my college to let me know how I did. I keep asking Maia how she feels, if she feels like she should study and take it again. If she has this feeling of uncertainty, if we need to take it again and the answer is yes. She said she was happy that I said this to her so she knows she isn't alone in how she feels. Misery does love company especially when the GRE is concerned. So I have to wait 10-15 days for the school to get my grade and then wait another 2-3 weeks for them to review. I really hope that they like everything else from me because if it goes by just this grade and I have to take it again, I am screwed. If I have to take this again I don't know what I will do since it will take a while for me to get d test day, and then it's waiting almost a month for everything to be sent and reviewed. This will set me back so much. By I need not think about this and as Joanne suggested maybe I put my eggs all in one basket. I should look at some other programs.
Joanne assured me I did all I could do and to relax. That was the main theme behind Fridays sessions, relax. I am stressed and I hoped that I wouldn't be anymore. The big fucking thing that is stressing me now is this trip to California. I want to go and as much as I want to go I don't. Th fear of getting on a plane for the first time is killing me. Joanne told me that I need to make the decision, but know if I don't go at some point in my life I will have to. I have this fucked up thought of how I will die on the flight. The likely hood of this happening is slim but I feel the more I tell myself this, the more it will happen. My luck the first flight I get on and I die. I feel like people will look at me like "he had to go on this flight he couldn't have missed it, if he did he would be alive now." Which I know is a fucked up way of thinking. And as someone pointed out to me if I died would I care at that point? Be it as I may it still is causing duress. What the fuck do I do? And time is running out they will need my decision. Joanne was trying to nudge me to go mentioning two things to me. One was how comfortable do I feel with someone else presenting the work I have done, would they be taking credit for it. And two is about this psychological technique called flooding. You are afraid of something and you dive right in to get over it. I don't know how I feel about this I just wish I could make a decision, cause I know what comes with decisions. If I go I will be nervous and worrying about the ride home and being somewhere I don't know. And if I am home, my regret for not going.
But separate from this there was drama in the house the next morning after the GRE. So happy it was NOT the night before the test. Apparently the tenant on the third floor was at a party where her husband was drunk. Really drunk to the point of vomiting all over. She as embarrassed and left the party early, he followed half an hour later. He got home and wanted to have sex and she did not so he beat the fucking shit out of her and ripped her clothes. Their three children were home and saw all of it and heard it. She ran down to the second floor tenants and the cops came and arrested him. Things have been quiet here since he isn't home though I wonder what will happen with them. Earlier in the week the cops came but when my mother spoke to the husband he acted as if he didn't know what happened. But we found out that he told his wife while she got ready for work that since she will or relieve him he will do it himself. And stripped in the living room and jerked off. He grabbed her, and tried to make her jerk him off but she recoiled which led him I bend her fingers back. As she tried to escape he beat her and yelled for someone to call the cops. When they got there she was gone and he wasn't going to admit what he did so nothing happened. Makes things so difficult with the people here because it makes my mother want to get rid of both tenants it just sets us back money wise and sucks in regards to the mortgage.
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