"Heads Will Roll" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

This week was truly not something I wish I dealt with. If I could go into a time machine I would warn myself to go take another route and not continue through it. Unfortunately I cannot do that though. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and form grudges.

To start things off lets start out with what happened in September. I remember the semester starting and Mobruka pointing out to me, how I should save this date November 20^th. It is her birthday and she begged me to be there to celebrate, Milly too. Please come to my birthday she asked pointing out how I would be meeting her friends. I agreed though I was iffy, I am not that close with her though we have dealt with some things together and have helped each other out. But a birthday, with people I don’t know other than her. I wasn’t to sure. As the weeks followed, and months, she told me about her friends. About this one’s wedding, and how that one has a boyfriend that doesn’t treat him how he should be treated. I listened, wanting to meet some of them, and she assured I would at her dinner. Finally it was here, and I did not want to go. My mood shifted I thought about things better and honestly, her indecisive plans as to not being sure whether she wanted to have it up down, or down town, or even queens did not comfort me. All I knew was I wanted Mike there if I went, but no he was busy finishing up the dvd for the movie he was working on. I asked Jessica, and she had plans. So with this information my desire to attend had diminished further. I did not want to go, and I was presented with a great opportunity. She informed me the night before that it would be in queens, I was off the hook and made other plans to go out with Maia. I discussed with her how Mobruka was having it in queens and it wasn’t easy for me to get there. It was also insulting that I was only invited to get drinks after with her and her friends, but not the dinner like everyone else.

Maia and I had a great time, the highlight of the week really. We discussed a lot about the project and also about how Selma apparently is freaking out over the fact that Maia and I are as friendly as we are now. Seriously, I have no interest in either of them physically it isn’t some bizarre love triangle. I think Selma feels I spend more time with Maia now and it makes her jealous cause I am not that way with her. But she works and is so busy doing her thing, working day shifts alternating nights, she doesn’t make me feel like she is coming to spend time in Brooklyn like Maia so I just don’t ask. I have to keep the mantra in my head that my mother’s friend Ronny told me some years ago where I shouldn’t expect anything from friends this way I am not disappointed. Maia told me about all the shit she dealt with in regards to Yuki being nuts. She really expressed to me how she is still upset over everything and I don’t blame her. Brett is really a hard nut to crack and the fact she was having conversations with him that were on a friendly basis seems almost unbelievable. For whatever reason Yuki ruined it all since she felt Maia was being inappropriate. She also told me how she hated how Brett took Yuki’s side or seemed that way. After she explained how Selma went and spoke to Brett about how it was unfair to Maia that Yuki was behaving that way. So Maia just does her work and that’s it, she really doesn't have time for anything else to deal with.

Sunday I made the chicken parmesan for Mobruka with my mother. Since she is Muslim she can’t have pork in the sauce, but she doesn’t care about the chicken. So Sunday the cooking began. After everything was done and put in the fridge, with even a soy alternative for Maia, I got a text around Midnight. This is where my week started to get horrible. Mobruka asked if it was possible to have the food on Tuesday. Previously we discussed how Tuesday was bad due to her teaching schedule and also added I was having a research meeting. I pointed out how this was a bad idea and how I had a meeting but in my hasty texting, I messed the message up and she asked why Tuesday was out. Apparently one of her friends came to see her from Australia and she wanted to spend time with them. So in frustration I just said fine and ended things. I was livid. Honestly I didn’t know what to do I was so angry. The best way I found to deal with this is to sleep on it, but that didn’t work. Even the tirade I had talking to my mother didn’t help either I just was angry. I went into work and was still upset. Not as upset as I was but upset. To add to this as I left for work my mother saw bills from the health insurance billing me for doctor’s appointments and accidently opened the letter with my Gre score. I just took it and left, I was going to review it later. I left the office to go to graduate admissions and find out if they received the scores as well. This way also I was hoping that Mobruka would leave since she pointed out that she was in such a rush to leave and that was why she couldn’t have lunch. When I got to admissions I was told they didn’t receive anything and to call the testing company, and to add to this if the letter was still sealed they would have taken in. Thanks mom… when I got back to the office, I saw Mobruka sitting at my desk. I didn’t want to look at her. A student was visiting her and left as I entered. She asked me how I was doing and if everything was alright. In all honesty I don’t know what came over me. It was as if I took a step back from everything and was watching myself just erupt on her. I said to her “I could not be any more pissed off at you right now, I am so upset its not even funny. Please leave the office now!” My voice was raised, I was not yelling. No one really knows what I sound like when I yell, I don’t do it often. I was not yelling in this situation. We discussed things and honestly as I continued I felt better and better. As the words came out of my mouth I felt more relieved but I was still angry. We ended things calmly and understanding both sides. After that all ended and she left I sat at my desk and just relaxed. Denae came in and we spoke for a little as I continued to cool off still in shock at how I went off. That has not ever happened to me before where I had no control over what I was saying.

So my week continued to be shitty, now on top of that Mobruka is acting a little weird. She said she didn’t like that I yelled at her and I pointed out if I yelled at you, you would know. I didn't like that she called me emotional either. I am not emotional, if I was I would have cried. I discussed how I needed to get a hold of this work study Annie, and I came in early but she wasn’t there. Funny thing is she ended up coming to me. Apparently she is an idiot. But I should know this that she is exactly that. She used all her hours up and so now I don’t have anyone there to cover the times she is supposed to be there. I am working on arranging things but honestly I am happy her ass is gone since she was causing problems talking to her friends. Turning the front of the lab into a social event. But whatever, my week got better after that.