"Soldier On" by The Temper Trap

Saturday: I think I get horribly lazy when it comes to updating this, or I just get distracted by other things. My summer is not really going how I planned, I know I am still surprised I graduated. Okay, that sounds horrible. I knew I was going to graduate, I just didn’t know it was going to be now. I expected my school to put up more of a fight since they have in the past. They have kept me there longer than I originally planned. The second degree was going to be quick and it definitely was not. What is funny, is that I remember reapplying and going back as if it were yesterday. I remember the drama I went through, and how horrible I felt. Then again the reason why I feel this way is because Bessy is going through the same thing I did. So I am pretty much reliving this through her. I also am advising her in what to do since this is something that not many students do at my school, or not many advertise that they have done. She is a mess over this and I am trying to advise her the best I can in what to exactly do so that she doesn’t feel so overwhelmed. I remember feeling that way among other things. I hated that I didn’t take things as seriously as I should, that I didn’t drop classes that were dragging me down, and that I didn’t make friends with people in the classes to help me with picking courses. The friends I made were in electives, which didn’t help me as much. But, now that I am finished I really need to figure out what I am going to do with myself. All I am hearing from friends is “so what are you going to do in the fall?” Honestly I am not sure. If things don’t fall into place with me working at my high school, I’ll have to find something to do job wise. Sadly I won’t be working at my college like I have been unless it’s a design position for a professor. That is pretty much it. Other than that I was planning on taking the gre and a prep class so I can apply for the spring’s grad program. Whenever I think of grad school now, I have the conversation I had with Dr. Murray stuck in my head. She is friend with one of the graduate admissions people, I believe he is the one in charge. Dr. Lanzone told me this so I mentioned it to her and she told me how her and Bill always talk about graduate admissions. She told me he has a lot of pressure put on him in regards to changing the requirements for the program. How the bar needs to be raised and he feels it is high enough. If someone else gets his job they are going to make it so you are required to walk on fire and shit gold bricks at the same time. If that is the case, I sadly, cannot do either of those things. Dr. Murray pointed out that I should take a prep class, but the way she said it, made me feel that I am stupid and that I am doing something I can’t do. Maybe it’s just me, or maybe I just feel guilty cause my book bag attacked her when I was outside of the office, ensnaring her leg forcing her to bust her ass.

All I know, is that this week has really been stressful, enough to give me a full head of gray/white hair. I discussed it with Jessica tonight over dinner, telling her how my father hadn’t been feeling well starting on Tuesday. He went out for a walk to return being in pain in his lower abdomen. At one point he was trying to throw up, but that didn’t last very long. He said the pain left him the next day but it returned shortly after that. My mother and I honestly did not know what it could be and we had various ideas going through our heads. All we knew was that he needed to go to the hospital asap. Well, he put up a fight alright with that and refused to go even thought he pain became exponentially worse. Finally he agreed to go Thursday night on Friday. My mother walked him to the car with me trailing behind locking up. One of our neighbors which we cannot stand for various reasons was out and watching us like a hawk. I told my mother this later on and she said that she will probably contact my aunt and tell her what’s going on since my cousin’s wedding was this weekend eh. (My family was invited, but this doesn’t mean we were going. My mother is still not really a big fan of my aunt due to all the drama with the house. I didn’t feel comfortable going because of that tension and how my aunt would act with me there. Not negative but just up my ass and being a pain. Also my mother wasn’t to happy that my other aunt and cousins were going as well and hiding it from my mother by just not mentioning it and being avoidant. When my cousin and mother spoke my mother said my father wasn’t feeling well, which was when he was dealing with all the issues with his kidneys. She said that my father needed to go for tests and such the week before the wedding and we didn’t know if we could go. My mother didn’t know this was going to happen with my father though…) We waited in the ER for my father to be taken in. He was diagnosed with an appendicitis but we didn’t know how serious it was until later on that day. When we left the veterans hospital we were told he was going to be operated on Saturday. That changed though, by the time we got home he called me to tell me that he was going to be operated on that night. A doctor called at night telling my mother she needed to come to the hospital now, not that anything happened. He just said that we should be and be there for when my father comes out of surgery. My mother asked if she could come in half an hour but the doctor started to get very testy and yell telling my mother that she needed to leave now. So we did, and we also waited because they were not finished when we got there. We took our time too.

When the surgeon came and met us in the waiting room he told us that his appendix proliferated. He also added that if my father didn’t come in today to get it removed he would be dead Saturday. We went upstairs to wait for him to come out of the operating room. We waited about 45 minutes before he was even wheeled up there and then he still wasn’t ready to see us, but my mother wanted to go since we were already waiting. We stopped in, but he was out of it. He told us to come tomorrow well through a series of blinks and nods we pretty much figured we would come tomorrow.

Today when we visited him he had a nurse keeping watch over him which sounded exactly like my mother’s friend Arlene. To make things funnier she is also a QVC junkie, just like my mother’s friend. I think it was her long lost sister. Anyway, my father was breathing erratically, which the nurse warned him about. He needs to stop doing that other wise he will get pneumonia and be there long. He also needs to move around so fluid doesn’t collect for the same reason. I have to say that in my 27 years of existence, I have not seen my parents hold hands ever that changed today. My father was in distress and breathing as if he had run a marathon. He extended his hand for my mother’s and she gave it to him. I had to hold back from getting emotional especially after hearing that he could be there long for pneumonia. I am not close with my father, and he is a pain in my ass, but I realize I only have one and that this is something that wasn’t serious that turned serious due to him not going to the hospital sooner. He relaxed after he was given morphine and also ate. I don’t know how long we stayed but he told us we could go so we could see him tomorrow. From the information we got finally as we were leaving, it looked like his appendix ruptured when he first began to have pain. I guess he didn’t realize how serious it was, though I have heard that the pain from a ruptured appendix is unbearable. I don’t know how he slept with that…