"We Use To Wait" by Arcade Fire

Monday: I thought I had a really great system on here with writing updates on my ipad and then pasting them into IAM and then into the blogging ap so that it posts onto here. It doesn’t help when I get lazy though.

The whole ordeal with my father in the hospital was a huge mess. He is home now but while he was there it was a disaster. Due to him needing ot have his stomach drained of any of the toxic fluid from his appendix he wasn’t aloud to eat nor get any of his meds. I never thought my father was someone that needed his meds to keep him from having major psychotic episodes, but yeah I think he does need them now. He was seeing things that weren’t there and most of the time it was difficult to know what was fact or fiction. When he moved out of icu the care he received from the nurses sucked. In icu they pretty much watch everything you do and there is a nurse to every 4 patients. On a regular floor I think there are 2 nurses per floor. So the ratio is different and so is the care. One day in particular is a great example of it too, my father sat in his own shit for hours. A pile of towels and bed sheets were in the corner covered and so was he. No one bothered to come and clean him. My mother and I did the best we could and changed his hospital gown and tried to not disturb his iv. His doctors were making rounds, one of them in particular needed someone to hold him down and have someone kick him in the testicles until he lost consciousness and wasn’t able to have children. His over all attitude was shit and he acted like he didn’t want to be there and that he was God. One of the doctors with him asked my father if he still had diarrhea, which was not something new. He had it from when he first went into the hospital so I don’t know why they didn’t know this. When we pointed to the pile in the corner that doctor and the others just had an “oh” reaction. He was moved from that room shortly after and put into a room alone to prevent him from contaminating anyone with the “bug” he had. So when my mother and I went to visit him and found out we needed to wear this heavy protective gear we left. Manly due to our compromised immune systems, we didn’t really want to get anything my father had. My father was then finally being released on father’s day, we made sure to make the dinner we had that night special.

I think that the stress of everything had been getting to me. The Thursday, a few days before my father’s release, I started to have pain in my lower back which was upsetting. I have been doing exercise but this has stopped me since it isn’t really the most comfortable feeling. To make things worse the Monday after my father’s release something happened. It was about 6am and I was getting ready for bed. My mother just got up and saw me closing the computer and she went back to sleep. As my computer turned off I felt an overwhelming waves of nausea. I was going to get up to run to the bathroom but as it intensified it passed and I started to feel really strange. I grabbed my blood machine and tested at the kitchen table. I felt silly to call for my parents but I felt that if I didn’t now I would regret it and so I did. I said I needed help and I didn’t feel well and I didn’t know what was wrong. My father came into the kitchen to see what was wrong with my mother trailing behind, by the time he got there I was already falling to the floor. All I remember was testing my blood and the machine saying 9,999. I landed on the side of my face as I crashed to the ground. My mother asked me what happened and I told her I needed to do my blood. I felt like I was under water I couldn’t really move. She came back with a cold compress to put on my face, and after testing my blood and seeing it was only 97 and not this insane number I didn’t know what happened. I had some juice and felt better and went to sleep. I went to the doctor on Tuesday to get yelled because whenever I go see Dr. Hyman my blood sugar has to be insane. So I got the disappointed look from him. One thing I am happy about is he can’t contact my endocrinologist which is something he did years ago when I was younger, and did something stupid. I had eaten candy before I went to see him and he called my endo and told him which I heard about the next time I went. Its rather annoying, and pisses me off about him that he still holds that against me. When I told him that I collapsed in the kitchen he asked why I didn’t think I needed to to the ER at that point. I just looked at him and said, I didn’t pass out I just collapsed. He said the pain in my back was a muscle spasm and said that if the pain in my back wasn’t gone by that Friday I should come back and get an x-ray which I didn’t do.

The pain is going away, and I have been using a heating pad on my back whenever I can. I have go to go sleep soon since I have a research meeting tomorrow. The professor had been emailing me the whole time while all of this drama had been going on with my father and myself. I only told him about what was going on with my father. I felt that he maybe might have read to much into things and thought that maybe I was just saying these things to get out of doing work since I didn’t get the summer internship position to work with him. That is how I see it though and I didn’t want him to think that. I was also shocked that he contacted me to ask me how things were going since he tends to take on more of the role of the observer and is detached. Selma had been talking to me through texts and it looks like the survey was changed from what her and I worked on. I took the survey tonight since he sent it out and its way to long. Also some of the wording seems like someone from the 1920s came and decided to write some questions. I don’t want to be overly critical and not be taken seriously if I make comments like that but that is how I feel. I feel like someone was trying to hard to impress and did not do a very good job at it. More than likely, it was Sharleen…