"Felt" by Garbage

If I said my stress level had decreased I would be lying. I am trying to stick to the best schedule of studying, but it teeters off of the plan more often than I would like. It makes me wonder if I am better off not doing this at home, but the idea of getting ready to run out to a library that isn't exactly that close seems a little ridiculous. Or maybe I am ridiculous or not wanting to do that. Does that show I lack motivation and the push to study? I don't think so but maybe to some it does. I honestly rather study in my house. I want to be comfortable and not worry about having to leave because the place I am at is closing and now I have to travel home. On top of that I really don't want to leave my mother alone in the house with just my father. He isn't reliable.
When I talk about him in therapy, Joanne, says "who is the one that is going to change? It isn't going to be a 63 year old man." I realize I'm the one in therapy and making an effort to improve upon myself, not my father. This statement she makes does not comfort me. It does not help me either. When she recites it, I feel like its a temporary thing. A mantra to tell myself that will excuse my father's behavior. And yes it does for the time being, but it doesn't help the situation get better. Better to me is him doing more than he does, not to say he doesn't do anything. In a time where I'm studying I should not have to feel that I will have my attention pulled in a direction that takes me away from things based off of his shitty behavior. I know that when I see Joanne on Friday I will have to discuss the outburst I had today with her. I know that me blowing up was not constructive, but it got his attention to get up and do something. One of my pet peavies is mail being around. I find it to be dirty and I don't want to touch it if I am going to eat. Of course it was littered all over the couch where I wanted to sit. That on top of having to feed the cats in the yard because my father wanted to sleep infuriated me. I was trying to fix breakfast and eat. I asked him to feed the cats and the only response I got was his slipper falling off of his foot. So I went nuts. I threw the mail and yelled and carried on destroying one of my mother's mugs in the process and spilling her meds. Innocent bystanders. So I had to clean this up and he got up. He didn't wasn't upset but did the things I complained about. It makes me think of what Joanne said. I know this is not what she had in mind, but it got a response.
But I won't tell her about this until Friday. Friday... Is going to be a mess. I have to get up early to get my time sheet signed then go to therapy, but I want to visit the Great Frog. It all depends on if I can get out at the desired time and if so I can do all of this and be in Joanne's office on time. The situation with work seems to cleared up. I will be back working there and I hope to be in school at the same time. It would really be great. Especially having medical and saving money. All pluses. I just hate that the head of the dept was so lax about things. He couldn't be bothered if you ask me and made me feel that I was just an added concern he didn't want to deal with. So he just didn't deal with it. Thank God for Dr. Lanzone helping me though other wise I'd still be waiting on him which is a huge lost cause.
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