"Bloody Cape" by Deftones

Thursday: I keep forgetting to see Seth, the professor that owes me money for designing the poster for Orestes for him. I realized of course now, that I should have seen him today since we got paid. If I remember tomorrow I can ask him. I keep forgetting to put it in my calendar on my phone to remind me. So the day will end and I’ll be remembering to late, or remember at school and its the wrong day.

I’ve been trying to read for class and lately I have been having issues. Maybe I’m just not use to reading notes on a Kindle yet, or the material is just not gripping enough to hold my attention. I find myself reading and being bored, so I fall asleep while reading. When I get myself together and continue I then end up focusing on the words more than the content so I am just left with empty words without meaning. I spoke to Anna about this since I am taking quizzes and find myself now worrying about my grades. She said I could write 1 page responses to the readings and she’ll accept that. I’m grateful, I just need to set time aside for that so I can do it and submit it to her. So I really just need to get through the readings and then submit it to her after class. Hopefully this works out better than taking those quizzes, I don’t think I would have many opportunities like this, like she offered, from many other professors at the school

At least she is understanding…

I was reflecting on some things Jessica and I were discussing previously, on various occasions. How I really need some guy friends. I don’t know why its easier for me to talk to girls and develop friendships with them. It has worked out great with some friends, and has been a mess with others. I think of how when I was in therapy Randi pointed out how I had so many friends and that I didn’t need people like Isadora in my life to cause me grief. When I thought of my friends then, I felt she was right; looking at things now I don’t think I feel the same way. Yeah I have some strong friendships with Jessica and Aisha, but at times I feel like that’s it. I rarely hear from Patrice. She makes an effort now to keep in contact through texts, but then those dwindle and I don’t hear anything. When I think of other friendships, like my relationship for example, I find it to just be in a different category. I would really like to feel that he is my best friend and more, but I don’t feel it. After 5 years you think you’d feel something like that. I look at the male friends and currently, I don’t have many. I might on facebook but just because they are there, doesn’t mean much. People from high school now littered in states not close by making it different to really have any bond more than just maybe text on a screen somewhere. Anthony was close by, but that was a mess. I felt that friendship wasn’t mutual in the sense where there was a give and take. Actually I think there was a give and take of just each other’s company and the enjoyment of that. There wasn’t any “hey I have a problem” and the other helping the other out. Plus his mother was overbearing and the friendship I wanted with him, I had in her. It wasn’t conducive and just didn’t seem ethically right. My friendship with Adu sucks. I was so close with him in high school and then as we started college I did what I could to hold on to that, even after. But he’s in Africa now just because his family has property in Ghana and its cheaper. The cost of living is really cheap there, unlike here which is very attractive to someone that doesn’t have a job and wants security in life. The only other male friend that I have is Joseph. I rarely ever get to see him though, just because he is far. If he were closer, I would make an effort to spend more time with him. The only time I really see him is on my birthday since it’s a trek out here from where he is. Working in the lab I met Dontay and as I explained all this to Jessica, I would develop a friendship with him but I don’t. Just because he is planning on moving out of the country to go to school and then live. He doesn’t want to stay in the U.S. anymore. So even if I were to develop something with him, I would be back where I am now. Of course I meet some women at work and I become friends with them in a heartbeat and the friends from last semester’s classes I’m friends with. It makes me wonder what signals am I sending out that is making me only attract women as friends.

Thinking of this makes me think of the movie “I Love You Man” where he has all these women friends and needs a guy friend. I feel like I’m going to resort to man dates to find someone. The problem with my major is that its predominately all women. I think that is also a problem with me meeting people that don’t have vaginas. I think I need to spend less time thinking about this, though it’s constantly on my mind because it’s a fact. I don’t know what to do to change it, as of now…