After talking to Jessica about what recently happened with
Matt, I thought maybe it would be good to write about him and how I know him.
Especially because I remember everything as if it were yesterday when we started
speaking which is really weird since it was way longer than that.
Honestly, I don’t remember when
Matt and I first started speaking. I know it was some time ago, a long time ago
I should say. Looking back on how I have been in a relationship for 7 years now
how I met Matt way before Mike even came into the picture. I think that I met
Matt right after I first started talking to Joseph online. I remember it was
the fall and I was on IAM, which was a site I had a membership to that was only
for people with body modifications and tattoos. Someone new has posted on there
and after going to his page I remember I found him really cute. Blonde, that
was what I was drawn to then like kryptonite. I was hesitant to write him, but
I was that way with everyone on there. I had spoken to quite a few people,
whether it was someone I was attracted to or someone just to talk to and had
experienced the good and the bad. Some people didn’t want to know me because I
didn’t have, what they felt, enough tattoos or piercings and I was beneath
them. It seems so ridiculous to even write that but it was true. When I
discussed it with Stephanie, who I am still friends with, she told me that some
people were like that. But I hoped this guy wasn’t. He didn’t have a ton of
pictures on his page, but what I saw, I knew I liked. I believe we spoke for a
while and either one of two things happened next, I may just have the order
wrong. On this there was this thing called IAM:Crush. The way it worked was if
I liked someone on the site, since it was such a small community of people on
there unlike facebook, I would put their name in this application. If by some
random stroke of luck they liked me too it would send us both notifications
saying guess what they like you too. I know at some point I put Matt in mine
and I think what happened was I was surprised to see that he liked me and that
led me to talk to him about it.
I was shocked to find out that he
was gay, but as he explained so would most of his friends. He wasn’t out to
anyone, except to those who he was interested in. He told me how if he told
anyone he was friends with they would laugh and not believe him. However he
managed to have relationships with guys without his friends knowing, I will
never know. He told me that there were some girls mixed in, but that was mainly
due to him getting drunk and ending up in bed with one. Apparently there were a
few. He had told me about how his parents were separated and how he had moved
around a lot. When I think of DC, Boston, and NY I think of him. Those are the
places that stick in my head when I think of him. He told me how in previous
relationships he never went anywhere romantic. I remember him telling me how
one boyfriend took him to McDonalds and that was about as classy as it got. I
pointed out if I was given the chance I would take him out, and I knew where
too. Funny thing is it was Pizza Plus, which is the first place Mike and I went
on a date to.
Eventually things got to a point
where I was wanting his phone number and I was so hesitant to even ask.
Previously I had asked someone from match.com for their number and I was shut
down. The answer was no due to their poor cell reception, but I knew that was
all bullshit. But with Matt, he gave it to me without any hesitation and was so
nice about it. I remember that we would text randomly, and I wanted to not come
off to strong though I was so excited to think about how this guy that I was
attracted to that was attracted to me wanted to talk to me. Our conversations
then turned into phone conversations. We would talk about a lot of different
things mostly music and things we were into. At the time since he was majoring
in graphic design, I think he was with a lot of art people and would smoke pot
and drink. Then again I wasn’t dorming away so I wouldn’t know what exactly
went on. He is the one that got me into Broken Social Scene, and he told me his
favorite song of theirs was “Passport Radio”. It was around this time that he
was telling me about a friend of his named Renee and how they would have such
great times together. I know that I automatically thought of my cousin and
wondered if it was possible that she knew him. I remember one Christmas she
came with my aunt and we were talking about Broken Social Scene and how our
friend Matt got us into them. Wait… we both looked at each other saying you
have a friend named Matt that introduced you to Broken Social Scene? Matt what…
But no, it wasn’t the same Matt.
There were nights we would call
each other and just talk for a bit, maybe an hour or two and it was awesome. I
remember there was a day I had to call him and wake him up and he was surprised
that I did that. He asked me to and I guess he just wasn’t expecting me to do
that. I remember how he was busy stretching his ear lobes up and got up to an
inch, he had posted a few pictures at that time of himself with them large.
Thing were progressing and we were
still talking. I remember that when I first met Joseph for the first time Matt
came up in conversation. I don’t remember if it was a period of time where I
was happy with Matt or not. There was a holiday coming up where Matt was
planning to come to NY and I hoped that I would get to see him. He said that he
would stay with friends on his visits so I had the idea of him staying over.
And through luck at the time, my aunt was going away for the weekend so if I
wanted Matt to stay over he could. What a great idea, but I would hope this
idea would fly by my mother, so I slowly started to mention him. Work him into
the conversations and it seemed to work. I mentioned that he would be visiting
and it was fine with her that he would stay over up at my aunt’s. He said that
that worked for him and I remember I was online the day he was coming down. I
kept my laptop on almost all day just to see what was going on. His screenname
was on but he wasn’t there. I didn’t want to be up his ass but eventually did
call or text him since it was getting late. He didn’t have the money for the
trip and so he didn’t go. Yeah big let down. I was hoping things would have
worked out.
We continued to talk despite that
set back. The summer rolled around and I use to see him going on old screen
names of his. I don’t exactly remember how this happened but I found out he was
going into gay chats. Really wasn’t comforting, though we weren’t really in any
committed anything so he could do whatever. The summer ended, and his major
changed to Sociology since the whole graphic design thing wasn’t working out.
He had a professor that pretty much was a huge negative influence on him. He
told me some story about how there was an assignment due and how the professor
wanted something done a specific way, well more like he didn’t tell them how he
wanted it done and since it wasn’t how he wanted it he was pretty much overly
critical. Shortly after this I believe he then had surgery on his ear lobes to
repair the damage he did going up to an inch. Calling him to find out after his
surgery he was a little out of it due ot the pain killers he was given, and he
took a little over the recommended dose. I remember talking to him about how I
felt about him again and I know there are times is till feel that there are
feelings there that were never truly extinguished. But as he put it, he isn’t
into the whole long distance thing. I think if I were able to hang out with him
and if I didn't like what he presented it would change how I felt or make
things worse. For example when I met Jackie, the attraction I had to him was
thrown out the window. He did make a comment that if he was in NY in the future
that if we were both single we would see where things would go. Is it weird
that imagined him coming to NY and being homeless?
We stopped talking for a while, a
few months. I was talking to someone else at the time, Jim which was a mistake.
It caused Matt to talk to me on occasion, out of him wondering what I was up
to. Curious who this guy was writing on my IAM page. I just remember not being
happy with Matt and knew he was talking ot me since I was talking to someone
else. After that things get hazy strangely enough. I think we just weren’t
really speaking for a while and if we were it wasn’t often enough. When I was
starting to go out with Mike we spoke here and there. He said Mike was cute and
we kinda left things at that. I added him on facebook and found his move to
California interesting. It made me think that the only way he could be happy
with himself was if he were to start over. Clean slate away from everyone that
knew him and reinvent himself while away. He must have gotten his act together while
he moved to take on a serious major of Nursing. Honestly, I didn't think he was
that smart, he presented himself as a burn out. So based off of this, I guess
you can induce that people can change, if they want to. While he was living in
California before his move to Colorado, he saw that porn star that I mentioned.
I remember when he was posting on Matts wall about how he spent the day with
him and comment on a picture e of Matt wearing some hat with bunny ears.
He has been to NY and I still have
yet to meet him though I know if the opportunity arose I would be there and
trying to not come off as a creeper. When he was here last he was here with his
boyfriend and then again for Halloween. It would have been nuts to bump into
him while he was here since we were both out that night in the city. Me seeing
Ween and him enjoying the parade. I am happy he has kept some form of contact
with me, though I wish we spoke more. And him giving me his new updated cell
number really was nice and showed me that he still wants to be friends. Even if
I we never met… I’ll just have to try and not hit the facetime button on my iphone...
And this is everything I have to
say about Matt.
(I listened to Broken Social Scene
as I wrote this by the way.)
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