"Ever (Foreign Flag)" by Team Sleep

Tuesday: I went to sleep horribly late this morning around 8am. My mother was trying to get me to go to my dentist to check out my throat but I just told her she was nuts and how I wasn’t getting out of bed to go to see him. I got myself together in the afternoon to see him before I went to my last session with Randi. I walked in and he asked what was wrong and I told him my throat is bothering me. When he checked he asked me “What the fuck did you do?! You were just here and everything was fine!” and honestly I have no idea what he fuck it was that I did but I know that my throat was killing me. He told me I have a massive infection in my throat and put me on some antibiotics to get rid of them. When I got home I took the first dose immediately. Mike called me and reminded me that I still have yet to make plans for my birthday and said “well if you don’t know what you’re doing then I guess you won’t want these 2 tickets to meet Ian Someralder” normally I think I would have screamed, being my throat was inflamed yeah that wasn’t happening. I think I probably won’t realize what is happening until he is in front of me and then I pass out. I need to finalize my plans for my birthday, send out the messages again on facebook since half the people didn’t answer me or do anything, and then enjoy the day. Hopefully I’m 100% by then.

I will admit, my last session was a bit sadder than I thought. A lot of the things we discussed in those 45 minutes could have been topics of discussion over the past remaining weeks I was there. Why they weren’t I’m not sure. I sometimes wonder if therapists do things like that on purpose, make it so that you never really have things resolved and need to keep coming back for more discussions. She discussed how I need to work on my anger issues, she said that I seem to carry a chip on my shoulder. I never was taking it out on her, she said, but I seemed to be angry with the world which maybe due to me thinking things should work out a certain way. I told her how there were certain topics that I didn’t really discuss with her in detail, that I minutely discussed it. And she said that now isn’t really the time to talk about it since we only have 45 minutes and we wouldn’t be able to cover everything. She said that I have grown since I first met her when I was 16 and that I am continuing to mature. She said that in therapy if I continue, that I should spend more time speaking about myself instead of others. “Its easier for us to talk about other people, than talking about our selves. It brings up things that are difficult to deal with.” she said. I know that if I go to someone else, which I know I will, I hope that I can get some sort of closeness in the way where I can feel that I am able to open up to them, like how Mike is with his therapist, unlike how things were between Randi and I. She found it interesting, what Jessica said about how I possibly viewed her as a friend and that is why I discussed things a certain way with her. She didn’t really agree with it, she said maybe with someone else they will give another point of view. I told her how Dr. Lewis at school and Aaron both have this very detached way of handling discussions. If I make a joke they don’t laugh, they look almost as if they are afraid they are going to crack and shatter into pieces. She said that she definitely wasn’t like that, and that depending on the methods they use they may have a different style. She said she was definitely not afraid to laugh at my jokes and said that my sense of humor is how I handle things and its “charming”. I told her I wanted to use constructive criticism, I didn’t want to point out to her how she seemed to be money hungry at times, and about the few occasions she decided to use our session as nap time. She said that I would grow mentally more if I were to spend more time out of the house. “Some people like to be indoors but since you don’t live alone I think that might be a problem. You will take in the problems of your parents.” She pointed out which is true. Taking the information she gave me, she wished me the best of luck with my school career and told me to keep her updated from time to time. I then shook her hand, and thanked her. She wished me a happy birthday and I was then on my way to new things in life.