"Safe Place" by Staind

This past weekend I went to Brian to get my "Lion's Share" tattoo. I was afraid of running late, and Mike wasn't close to being by my house so I ended up leaving the shop myself. When I got there, I found out that Brian wasn't in. Turns out Brian was running late, really really late... He didn't get to the studio until 1pm and our appointment was at noon. On top of that, he had an appointment after me and someone after that appointment. When he got in I asked him to please tell the person after me he was running late. I was doing that hoping that he would be able to finish this tattoo for me. We would have started sooner, but I wanted the banner fixed and some other small things that needed to be evened and fixed. Brian looked exhausted and it worried me. I was telling Jessica since we were talking on the phone while I was waiting for him to get there, and I was texting her while I could since reception there is horrible. She told me if Brian looked out of it that I should be concerned. I found out why he looked the way he did as he got ready to start working on me. He had an impacted wisdom tooth and was in pain. I could tell from what he was telling me it is something that keeps him up at night. As he was working on me we were talking about it, and I told him how I had two removed. The first one wasn't fun and he didn't really want to hear that, but it is something you can get over. He was having surgery on Tuesday, so by now he should be better or somewhat better. I am sure it will help especially since the shop is having their Friday the 13th tattoo event. Sadly Brian was not able to finish the design but majority of it is complete. For some reason, don't ask why, I have this idea or view in my head that the tattoo looks like crap. I don't know why, I wish I had a reason. Well I kinda do. The design that Brian did initially had the lion's face a little different and I liked it. The second design I did not like at all so i told him that and he fixed it for the last design and cleaned things up. I just keep feeling like something is off, maybe because it isn't finished I feel that way. Those that i do show the tattoo tell me that it looks really good, but I continue to have this negative view in my head. Maybe I'll feel differently after it's completed. I would hope so...

After my tattoo session I went with Mike out to dinner and to exchange gifts after. He was excited to give me what he got me since he said that this year it was really difficult to shop for me. It wasn't intentional, but that is how it was this year. I told him when he was shopping for me to get me practical things that he knows I would use. His idea of this was to get me things to use in the office, but I quickly put an end to that. I really didn't want things for my office because it's not like this is going to be my office for another 8 years. What will I do with the items after that? I was anxious to see what he got me. I wasn't expecting him to get me anything elaborate since he really isn't working. The part time job he has isn't giving him tons of money but it helps him pay his bills. I am working so I went nuts, cause I would. This is probably the most I have ever spent on him, his past birthday came close though with all the stuff I got him from Art of Shaving. For Christmas I bought him a Kindle touch 3g, leather lighted case, two year insurance, and an actual hard cover book of some of H.P. Lovecraft's writings about Cthulhu. When we finally exchanged, I knew of one item he bought me since we were discussing it as he got it for me from the store, which was a hoody. He bought me 2 long sleeve shirts which I initially didn't like but after wearing one I like them, a really difficult puzzle, a card game for us to play when we are out, and a remote control rat that he thought I would play with with my cats. Well out of all the things he got me only the shirt, and the hoody that was on it's way were the only practical things. I am sure I will play with the puzzle at times as for the rat, I really don't know. Oh and yeah I was a dick, and made a comment about the amount of money we spent on each other. Apparently he was under the idea that I bought him some discounted Kindle touch, but when he realized I didn't he was upset. I told him it wasn't about money, but really couldn't you have gotten me things I could use and not play with once and then put somewhere to never look at again? It just upset me that he did that. This of course I know makes me seem like a dick and I would have preferred one thing that I would use over and over than 10 things that I will look at once. The things I did after that I feel were all to make him feel like he didn't waste his money and I was appreciative. I took a picture of one of the two shirts he got me, made a small video of the cats running from the remote controlled rat, and a picture of the puzzle he gave me after "solving" it. I am sure he was happy to see that I was using what he gave me as I was happy to hear about all the things he was doing with the Kindle. But sadly it doesn't change how I feel about what I got completely...

The end of last week and beginning of this week I had to deal with running around to get health insurance. While I was getting my tattoo I kept thinking about how I didn't have any health insurance and what would I do incase something happens. The insurance I had, Health Plus, dropped me due to me making to much money. What started all of that is the insurance company failing to receive my renewal. When I went down to the office to submit things in person the woman that was helping me failed to take the proper pay stubs from me and was being a bitch when I offered her more. So the insurance said I made to much money. When I went down to the office by me, I was told the same thing yet again. This is because I am only allowed to receive a certain amount of money per month. They don't go by year. If they were to they would see that I do not work an entire year. I just work 8 months out of the year. So I needed to find a new insurance, which my mother was helping me with. I was getting disgusted with the whole thing, I would have to pay now unlike before. My mother offered to pay half which was great but at what cost. She was telling me that because of this she might have to keep the dipshit tenants on the third floor. Not something I wanted to hear since I want them gone in the worst way. I was so miserable over the whole thing. For some reason I wanted to discuss this whole thing with Mobruka, who told me that I should get insurance through the school since I work there. "It wouldn't hurt to ask" she told me, and she was right it didn't hurt because when I spoke to this woman in human resources I found out that since I work over twenty hours a week that I am eligible. So I set everything up and was able to keep all my appointments with doctors and I was set. Funny thing is I dropped the paper work off this Monday at 1:30pm and by the time i got home which was 3pm I was all set up and had an i.d. and everything.

The good thing about having the insurance kick in so quickly is I can resume sessions with Felicia. When I saw her and told her everything that was on my mind, I felt that I had gotten all of the pressing matters off my mind and now I could take some time to work on my flaws. I told her this, and how I now want to work on things. And the first thing I am working on is this problem I have where I create stories. Not stories in the sense of I'm a compulsive liar, it's not even remotely close to that. When I am presented with a situation, I tend to just try to predict what will happen next and how I can resolve the problem. My reasoning for this, as I told Felicia, may be due to the fact that I do this with friends and I am able to help them with what to anticipate when they are dealing with something. It is something I have done for a while, and my mother does the same thing. Though I don't know if she lets it stress her or not, it is something that I possibly just picked up from her. What sucks is that since I have been doing this for years it's going to take me a while to get over it. When I left and walked home, I found myself questioning things I was thinking so that I wouldn't make myself try to predict what will happen next. As I explained to Felicia there were situations that I felt that I had to do that. For example when shit would go on with Shelain. I had to keep my guard up with her, as soon as I let it drop she would act like a huge cunt and make me feel like shit. With her, what would often happen is she would be a bitch, my guard would go up and then next time I would see her she was quiet and not say anything. As soon as I calmed down, she would be a bitch. I know that Shelain isn't returning but while I was telling Felicia this I was thinking about things and saying that maybe Shelain would go to the SEEK dept and try to work there and how she would return. Felicia said that I really need to talk myself out of doing that. It's going to take some time...

I know that the next time I go see her I am going to spend some time talking about Jessica. If I were seeing Randi I already could hear her in my head saying that I should just let Jessica be. How she isn't a good friend, and how I shouldn't be concerned with what she is doing and focus on myself. All good, but it's difficult when you are close with someone and they are just waiting to get hit by that bus. You want to warn them to move, or push them, but they insist on standing there waiting. What she is doing with herself, Jessica that is, is dating a few people and instead of leaving at that she threw someone else into the mix. That fucking guy Rob, and by saying that alone I think I did a good job of describing him. All he wants to do is fuck. She said that it takes her mind off of things, not the fucking just him in general. She said she gets crazy when she talks to guys and it's due to her ex. She wants to constantly hear from them, and with the Bird he would always be texting her non stop. So she expects them to do that with her. This one guy she is dating that seems really nice, she is just going slow with. That is perfectly fine, but Rob shouldn't be part of it. I had to point out how it was bothering her that he was sleeping with others when he was with her and she said that when that comes up again she will deal with it then. I tried to advise her minutely, since I know whatever efforts/attempts I make doesn't result in her doing anything positive anyway. Her answer to this was "I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions." Ugh I am so mad at myself for not responding with "and you're proving to do such a great job of that." I know that isn't something she would want to hear but I feel it's what she needs to hear. Her decisions suck and I think that when she finally realizes that, the bus would have already hit her and 16 more are heading straight for her before she can even pick her head up.


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